Funniest Comedian Quotes & Sayings

Only black people in the whole neighborhood, so let's break it down: Me, I'm a decent comedian, I'm a'ight. Mary J. Blige, one of the greatest R&B singers to ever walk the Earth. Jay-Z, one of the greatest rappers to ever live. Eddie Murphy, one of the funniest actors to ever, ever do it. Do you know what the white man that lives next door to me does for a living? He's a f*****g dentist. — Chris Rock

Generally, there are three rules when it comes to borrowing money: You need to have good credit, proof of income and cash for a down payment. Most people have the first two, but it's the third that trips them up. And nowhere does that come into play more than the mortgage market. — Jean Chatzky

I think, as a comedian, the funniest you can be is with people you know, and [whom] you've known for years, in a pub. That's as funny as you get, and so the aim [while stand-up] is to get that funny on stage with 5,000 strangers, to get that funny in a room where people shouldn't be listening but they are. — Ricky Gervais

The planet where the Borg originated," she answered. — Kirsten Beyer

It sounds trite to go after men who are nice but when you've been hurt a lot it becomes appealing. — Salma Hayek

I believed that I could go to the Super Bowl and win multiple Super Bowls and do all of those things. I believe in that every day. — Russell Wilson

I thought she was the funniest woman, and I believed being a comedian was the most exciting thing you could be. — Maya Rudolph

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it. — W.C. Fields

As far as stand-ups go, I always loved Richard Pryor, Chris Rock, and Sinbad. Basically, I love black comedians because they're the funniest. I wish I were a black comedian, actually. — Adam DeVine

I never want to be called the funniest Indian female comedian that exists. I feel like I can go head-to-head with the best white, male comedy writers that are out there. Why would I want to self-categorize myself into a smaller group than I'm able to compete in? — Mindy Kaling

You and I are the same. What I have done is surely possible for all. You are the Self now and can never be anything else. Throw your worries to the wind, turn within and find Peace. — Ramana Maharshi

I knew I wanted to be a performer and do comedy at 5 years old. My dad's wife, Marlene Rosenbaum, was boiling water and she goes, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I said, "A comedian." And she laughed and laughed because she thought that was the cutest, funniest thing ... — Sandra Bernhard

Because you need me," he said, drawing in his breath as she squirmed against him. "Just as I need you." He crushed his mouth to hers. "I've needed you for years." Another kiss, this one deep and drugging, his tongue searching her intimately — Lisa Kleypas

Camus felt defenseless against these "deep forces rising within me that said 'no.' " No, in a word, to plans for the future, to talk about tomorrow, to things not yet done. Instead, Camus demands the weight of the present, of the earth, of a world shorn of its myths and faith in anything other than what we can see and touch and feel. — Robert Zaretsky

Eah, you don't get a lot of meatheads doing improvised theater to begin with, and that's always been my thing. I talk about the nerd/meathead dichotomy on my podcast a lot, but there was a time when I was doing UCB full-time and playing men's league rugby in New York City, and I was like the funniest, artsiest rugby player, and the bro-iest improv comedian. I've always managed to sort of be in both sides. — Jon Gabrus

We do know that we are cheated from birth to the overcharge on our coffins. — John Steinbeck