Friends Humor Quotes & Sayings

You remember having friends who used to lampoon the world so effortlessly, crouching at the verge of every joke and waiting to pounce on it, and you remember how they changed as they grew older and the joy of questioning everything slowly became transformed into the pain of questioning everything, like a star consuming its own core. — Kevin Brockmeier

You know, just sit in the corner and glare at him the whole time. See if he crumbles."
"I've seen your hard-ass face, Tuck," Charlie said. "Mostly, you just look constipated. Ford, you'd better do the glaring. — Julie James

The youngest one," she interrupted. "The youngest son, I mean. The one who is unmarried."
"I know who he is."
"Very well, then. What is wrong with him?" At that she cocked her head to the side and waited expectantly.
He thought for a moment. "Nothing."
"You - wait." She blinked. "Nothing?"
He shook his head, then shifted his weight a little; his good foot was beginning to fall asleep. "Nothing comes immediately to mind." It was true. She could do a good deal worse than Gregory Bridgerton.
"Really?" she asked suspiciously. "You find nothing at all objectionable about him."
Marcus pretended to think about this a bit longer. Clearly he was supposed to be playing a role here, probably that of the villain. Or if not that, then the grumpy old man. "I suppose he's a bit young," he said. — Julia Quinn

One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don't seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship. An abuser's friends may think the world of him. He may have a successful work life and have no problems with drugs or alcohol. He may simply not fit anyone's image of a cruel or intimidating person. So when a woman feels her relationship spinning out of control, it is unlikely to occur to her that her partner is an abuser. — Lundy Bancroft

My darling, patient friends tell me that I'm still single only because I'm picky, and because I haven't met the right person yet. This would feel truer if I hadn't been shut down by quite so many wrong people that I, despite my allegedly high standards, chased after. — Katie Heaney

You'll enjoy it. There is much you can learn from books and scrolls," said Jeod. He gestured at the walls. "These books are my friends, my companions. They make me laugh and cry and find meaning in life."
"It sounds intriguing," admitted Eragon.
"Always the scholar, aren't you?" asked Brom.
Jeod shrugged. "Not anymore. I'm afraid I've degenerated into a bibliophile. — Christopher Paolini

Look, I've got nothing against brains. Some of my best friends have them. — Stephen Colbert

Jason: Evelyn's not going to like it if you're rude to her friends.
Blake: They're her friends, not mine. — Rachel Hera

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced. — David Cross

My Family and Other Saints echoes Gerald Durrell's classic memoir, My Family and Other Animals, not only in its title, but in its wonderful humor and lyrical prose. Like Durrell, Kirin Narayan takes the reader to a fascinating world far from our own, and brings to life its myriad sights, sounds and smells, while revealing the profound cultural beliefs of its people. India is just the most complex character among a cast of characters-family members, gurus, hippies, and neighbors-all of whom I now count as old friends. — Judith Barrington

How delightful! Dunford had just come into an unexpected inheritance. She rather hoped it was something good. One of her friends had just unwillingly inherited thirty-seven cats. — Julia Quinn

Senses of humor define people, as factions, deeper rooted than religious or political opinions. When carrying out everyday tasks, opinions are rather easy to set aside, but those whom a person shares a sense of humor with are his closest friends. They are always there to make the biggest influence. — Criss Jami

God gives us relatives; thank God, we can choose our friends. — Addison Mizner

Alanna: All I know is that I'm to jump when I'm told and I have no free time. — Tamora Pierce

And Daniel?" She asked.
"Daniel was a player-"
"Hey!"
"That's what they called the actors." Bill rolled his eyes. — Lauren Kate

You know it's a small world when you bump into friends you haven't seen since grade school on the, It's A Small World Ride, at Disney World. — Kilburn Hall

Inside the pub, Richard's friends continued to celebrate his forthcoming departure with an enthusiasm that, to Richard, was beginning to border on the sinister. — Neil Gaiman

Never use naughtiness in mixed company, unless your witticism is so funny that your audience will shoot tears of happiness out of their eyes with a velocity sufficient to powerwash a small bus. Any joke that falls short of that standard will make you lose respect in the eyes of everyone except your best friends, who, as you know, lost respect for you long ago. — Scott Adams

You know what truth is? [ ... ] It's some crazy thing my neighbor believes. If I want to make friends with him, I ask him what he believes. He tells me, and I say, Yeah, yeah - ain't it the truth? — Kurt Vonnegut

Kelsier: "You've got to have some idea what I could try, Fuzz."
God: "What did you just call me?"
Kelsier: "Fuzz, I've got to try something."
Fuzz/God: "You could try 'My Lord,'" Fuzz said with a huff."
Kelsier: "That's a terrible nickname for a crew member."
...
"So," Fuzz said. "You are not only the first person to punch me, you're also the first to try and recruit me. You are a distinctively strange man."
Kelsier: " You don't know my friends... — Brandon Sanderson

I'm forever hopeful," he said. "That's what friends do. They hope. They have faith in each other."

"Well, I have faith that she'll forget," I said, hiking my backpack up onto my shoulders. "You have to be a realist with Caro."

"I'm a hopeful realist," Drew said. "I'm a healist! Like those guys on TV late at night that cure people of cancer." He grinned down at me. — Robin Benway

Luckily for us, I've never met a bad idea I did not immediately embrace like the dearest of friends. — Jennifer Lynn Barnes

There is such malice, treachery, and dissimulation, even among professed friends and intimate companions, as cannot fail to strike a virtuous mind with horror; and when Vice quits the stage for a moment, her place is immediately occupied by Folly... — Tobias Smollett

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. — Groucho Marx

We've all got trashy friends, but we should choose our trashy friends with more care. — Dominick Dunne

I started to think of friends I could lean on for some help, but, as always happened when I attempted this kind of social audit, I realised that far too many of them were abroad, dead, married to people who disapproved of me, or weren't really my friends, now that I came to think of it. — Hugh Laurie

Friends of yours, eh?" I think one of them's about to faint." Oh, my god. "That's Chloe Dale," I said without turning arouind. "She suffers from high oestrogen levels. I can introduce you if you like."
Gideon's smile grew wilder. "Maybe I'll take you up on that some other time. Now, come on. We still have a lot to do today." He took my arm (a loud squel could be heard from the steps and guided me towards the limousine. — Kerstin Gier

Friends don't menace friends with giant terrifying swords, okay? — Sarah Rees Brennan

Everybody I know fails the acid test of friendship. — Bill Watterson

I know every single street in this town. And I love strolling these streets in the mornings, in the evenings, and then at night when I am merry and tipsy. I love to have breakfasts with my friends along the Bosphorus on Sundays, I love to walk alone amid the crowds. I am in love with the chaotic beauty of this city, the ferries, the music, the tales, the sadness, the colors, and the black humor ... — Elif Shafak

Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment. — Grenville Kleiser

I'm just saying, 'Hey, throw me a bone. How about a smile, cute t-shirt? Look at me.' Nothing - unless it's a turn to their friends to go, 'Hey, why is that weird guy looking at us?' — Marc Maron

I'm sure I've all but lost friends by maintaining that, despite their love for it, I always saw Stanley Kramer's 'It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World' as more of an exercise in anti-comedy than humor. — Dick Cavett

Hold on to your friends.
Resist - or move on
Be mad, be rash
Smoke and explode
Sell all of your clothes
Just bear in mind:
There just might come a time
When you need some friends — Morrissey

Since I don't smoke, I decided to grow a mustache - it is better for the health.
However, I always carried a jewel-studded cigarette case in which, instead of tobacco, were carefully placed several mustaches, Adolphe Menjou style. I offered them politely to my friends: "Mustache? Mustache? Mustache?"
Nobody dared to touch them. This was my test regarding the sacred aspect of mustaches. — Salvador Dali

Mutual good humor is a dress we ought to appear in wherever we meet, and we should make no mention of what concerns ourselves, without it be of matters wherein our friends ought to rejoice. — Richard Steele

I want us to be ... what is your word? Friends."
"Psychotic rapists don't have friends."
"I was unaware you were a psychotic rapists or I would not have offered."
(Mac & V'lane) — Karen Marie Moning

Tiger resists. "WAIT. We're ALL friends HERE. What is it you wanna talk about? SEX? The new DILDO my mom bought me? Or the HAIR on my sister's ASS- — Giorge Leedy

To date, we've arrested or otherwise dealt with many key commanders of al Qaeda ... All told, more than 3,000 suspected terrorists have been arrested in many countries. Many others have met a different fate. Let's put it this way - they are no longer a problem to the United States and our friends and allies. — George W. Bush

Chloe Carlson: But don't think I'm all alone without Lennon. Oh, no. I'll be perfectly fine. I still have my friends, Ben and Jerry.
Riley Carlson: They're my friends too! — Megan Stine

She, too, is one of Regin's friends. They're poker buddies, sisters of the Wii, and Mari is a vaunted member of the karaoke contingent. Regin has long acted as the witches' designated driver." "BFF?" Lachlain asked, brows drawn. "Sisters of the what?"
Emma supplied, "Best friend forever and a video game."
Lachlain muttered to Emma, "Your relatives are just no' right. — Kresley Cole

So why did you want to kiss me?"
"We're friends aren't we?" Callum shrugged.
I relaxed into a smile. "Of course we are."
"And if you can't kiss your friends who can you kiss?" Callum smiled. — Malorie Blackman

Get out of my chair, dillhole! — A.A. Milne

Long hair will make thee look dreafully to thine enemies, and manly to thy
friends: it is, in peace, an ornament; in war, a strong helmet; it ...
deadens the leaden thump of a bullet: in winter, it is a warm nightcap; in summer,
a cooling fan of feathers. — Thomas Dekker

Don't forget, I didn't choose to come to here. I was kidnapped and forced to live here by your marvelous Pemdas warriors, who are interested in Earth only as it serves to keep 'your beautiful Pemdas' safe. Believe me when I say I would far rather be home with my friends." -Reece Bryant, The Legacy of The Key. — S.L. Morgan

I'm never going to live this down. I will forever be known as the pastor's kid who got arrested, made friends in jail, and threw up on the singles camping trip. That will look great on a resume. — A.C. Williams

You don't know many friends you have till you buy a big-ass house on the beach. — Lois Greiman

[Garry Essendine]: That is no prostitute, but the wife of one of my best friends! — Noel Coward

Don't discuss your relationship problems with friends. Your zombie problems are another story entirely. — Jesse Petersen

'Aeric!' Grayson exclaimed, with genuine delight. 'You're not dead yet?'

'Not yet,' Aeric replied, looking pleased with his continued viability. 'But I keep trying. And so do you, I hear!' — L.S. Baird

Never mind that. What's going on with you and Heath?"
Annabelle pulled a little wide-eyed innocence out of her rusty bag of college acting skills.
"What do you mean? Business."
"Don't give me that. We've been friends too long."
She switched to a furrowed brow. "He's my most important client. You know how much this means to me."
Molly wasn't buying it. "I've seen the way you look at him. Like he was a slot machine with triple sevens tattooed on his forehead. If you fall in love with him, I swear I'll never speak to
you again."
Annabelle nearly choked. She'd known Molly would be suspicious, but she hadn't expected an outright confrontation. "Are you nuts? Setting aside the fact that he treats me like a flunky, I'd never fall for a workaholic after what I've had to go through with my family." Falling in lust, however, was an entirely different matter.
"He has a calculator for a heart," Molly said.
"I thought you liked him. — Susan Elizabeth Phillips

People go to church for the same reasons they go to a tavern: to stupefy themselves, to forget their misery, to imagine themselves, for a few minutes anyway, free and happy.
Circular Letter to My Friends in Italy — Mikhail Bakunin

I wish I was friends with things," he said at last, "but I'm not. I never had anything to be friends with, and I can't bear people. — Frances Hodgson Burnett

I'm friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I'm 1 degree away from 212 degrees. — Ryan Lilly

And I thought
when you're a half-hour late, and your friends think you're in jail, it's probably a sign you steal too much. — CrimethInc.

Unfriending me when I didn't even know we were friends? It's like breaking wind when you're home alone. If I can't smell you, knock yourself out. — George Takei

He kissed the corner of her lips before whispering by her ear, And that was just my hand, love. — Michelle M. Pillow

When you're content, blame your friends. When you're angry, blame your enemies. When you're insane, blame yourself. — Allia Loops

But Piglet is so small that he slips into a pocket, where it is very comfortable to feel him when you are not quite sure whether twice seven is twelve or twenty-two. — A.A. Milne

Why don't we do the whole friends with benefits thing?" he asks seriously.
"Because I don't think I'd enjoy having the benefits you give me removed" I answer back not missing a beat.
"Just friends it is then" he says not perturbed and starts eating his lunch. — R.S. Burnett

Crap. I thought that picture was you.' He pointed.
'That's not me. That's my mother,' Mal said with a sigh.
'Woah, you really do look like her, you know,' Jay said.
'You two could be twins,' Evie agreed.
'That, my friends, is called genetics,' Carlos said with a smile. — Melissa De La Cruz

Sex is not a wizard, whatever magical-seeming properties it might possess in its better forms. If your friend says to you, "You're being mean, you need to get laid," your problem is not sex. Your problems are that you might be acting like an asshole, and your friends are definitely idiots. — Katie Heaney

When friends become overfriendly - smell fish! — Adhish Mazumder

Do you like flora and fauna? How about plants and animals? Because we have more of that beautiful crap than we know what to do with. Charmingly domesticated troops of monkeys swing freely throughout our orchid-laden property. You're probably thinking that a lot of all-inclusive resorts have monkeys. True, but only one resort packs a monkey for each of their guests to take home. You'll be showing off more than a tan to your friends, you'll be showing off a gibbon. — Colin Nissan

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. — Phyllis Diller

The worst thing was that her school-friends began to copy her. They thought it was dead cool to be a little monster like Lucretia Crum! — Babette Cole

Watch over Honoria, will you? See that she doesn't marry an idiot. — Julia Quinn

Depression gave me more then just a brooding introspection. It gave me humor, it gave me a certain what-a-fuck-up-I-am shtick to play with when the worst was over..the side effects, the by products of depression, seems to keep me going. I had developed a persona that could be extremely melodramatic and entertaining. It had, at times, all the selling points of madness, all the aspects of performance art. I was always able to reduce whatever craziness I'd experienced into the perfect antidote, the ideal cocktail party monologue...I thought this ability, to tell away my personal life as if it didn't belong to me, to be queerly chatty and energetic at moments that most people found inappropriate, was what my friends liked about me. — Elizabeth Wurtzel

'Didn't realize Matty was so scary,' Chris said.
'She's maybe five two and can't make it up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. But if I really pissed her off, she might poison my coffee.'
'Sounds like someone I'd like to meet.' — Kim Fielding

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'. — Groucho Marx

A man who looks like Frodo just spent $150 on erotica books and asked for my phone number. I considered giving him yours just to spite you. — Syrie James

I paused in the act of opening the door and looked at him with what were probably cartoon-wide eyes. "Wait a second," I said. "So, you're best friends with a hot vampire chick who likes leather."
"Yeah."
"And together, you fight crime?" I couldn't help it. I cracked up. — Rachel Caine

Among my friends, I'm not a little Boy Scout, and they love my humor, thank God. — Don Rickles

We weren't really friends yet, just knowers of each other's secret stuff. — M. Beth Bloom

But we were just picnicking friends — Douglas Preston

The boy she'd once loved was gone, and she'd accept it. But even if she didn't want Eric back, he'd hurt her. He was the enemy, and the Universal Girl Code stipulated friends should band together in hating the ****** till death. — Melissa Landers

Authors of light pieces have, nobody knows why, a genius for getting into minor difficulties: they walk into the wrong apartments, they drink furniture polish for stomach bitters, they drive their cars into the prize tulip beds of haughty neighbors, they playfully slap gangsters, mistaking them for old school friends. — James Thurber

In life we have our trophy people. These are the ones we work hard for, we are proud of. We want to show them off to our family, our friends, we want them on our arm at company functions. We take pictures with them to let everyone know we feel like a winner and we are happy.

Then you have your participation ribbons, the ribbons you get just for simply showing up. You didn't have to earn it, it was just given to you. These things usually end up in a drawer somewhere, maybe you pick them up again when you are bored and say "that was a fun night, I wonder if they are still handing out these things?" but you don't tell people about it, nothing to be proud of. — Brittany Williams

MARIE ,THE MADAM-She has the looks of Liz Taylor and the brains of a Wall Street broker. " We were lovers for a hot five minutes when I first hit the TL. Marie always liked a lot of diamonds,and I've always liked alot of girls. With that combination,we're better off as friends. — Jeri Estes

Friends?"
"Aye. We're friends now."
"Are we?"
"Of course we are!" he replied cheerfully - just like his name. "Why wouldn't we be friends?"
"Because you threw me into a tree?"
"To help you. You keep forgetting that part. — G.A. Aiken

Part of being friends with someone is knowing when to speak your mind and when to shut the hell up. — Christine Pope

Life ain't easy. Terrible things happen to everyone. You have to keep your sense of humor, give something of yourself to others, make friends who are younger than you, learn new things, and have fun. — George Vaillant

The only reason I'm friends with any of you is because I outgrew the von Trapps, one annoying Austrian at a time. — Lisa Mantchev

We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers. — George W. Bush

when the end came and there was initial chaos and rampant starvation, people learned all too well that you could not rely on stuff. You needed friends. A dead phone provided no companionship; an empty house no comfort. The latest fashions provided no food, but you could always eat a close friend. — Benjamin Wallace

Rock 'n' roll is not red carpets and MySpace friends, rock'n'roll is dangerous and should piss people off — Gerard Way

After an awkward pause, Bast extended his hand. Chronicler hesitated for a bare moment before reaching out quickly, as if he were sticking his hand into a fire.
Nothing happened, both of them seemed moderately surprised.
"Amazing, isn't it?" Kvothe addressed them bitingly. "Five fingers and flesh with blood beneath. One could almost believe that on the other end of that hand lay a person of some sort. — Patrick Rothfuss

What exactly does that expression mean, 'friends with benefits'? Does he provide her with health insurance? — Chuck Lorre

Once upon a time, I had two close friends. Shocking, I know, given my natural charm, but there are those who just don't appreciate my brilliance. — Julie Kagawa

It is easier for an ambitious friend to become an enemy than for an enemy to become a friend. It is even easier to make friends than you can find people to trust as friends. — Janvier Chouteu-Chando

As we reached the wooded hill that led to the pipe, Cheater said, "Uh-oh."
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Is anyone here thinking about kicking the crap out of me?" he asked.
"Not me," I said.
"Me either," Lucky said.
"Maybe tomorrow," Flinch told him. "But not at the moment." hidden talents — David Lubar

Why, you mean you didn't get abducted and dragged across country purely to make us a story for us to chew over endlessly?" asked Pip, tossing his shock of tow-colored hair indignantly. "The nerve! — Mercedes Lackey

Friends come and go like the waves of the ocean but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face — Anonymous

And since I'm marrying into the Quartet, I have certain privileges and duties. If you're sleeping with Laurel - "
"I'm not sleeping with Laurel. We're dating."
"Right, and the two of you are just going to hold hands, admire the moon, and sing camp songs."
"For a while. Minus the singing. — Nora Roberts

Around eighth grade Margot started getting really sensitive about her weight, even though she wasn't remotely fat - just a little round-faced. So Margot did what any normal fourteen-year-old girl would do. She started puking on purpose, every day after fifth period. Of course now, she does more than puke. But we don't talk about that. Because real friends don't judge each other for what they do to survive in hell. — Isobel Irons

Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends. — Adam Ferrara

Okay, that's just bull." Aurelia snorted. "You can't be friends with someone you have the fuzzies for. Oh sure you can try, but sooner or later the fuzzy will get to you and before you know it, out with the self control and you both will be going at it like bunnies. — Delia Winters

Well, the only reason we're friends is because you can rock a tweed suit," she informed, tone mock serious. "So if you want to keep me around, I expect more tweed. — Laura Kreitzer

It's my new best friend, Claudius Templesmith, and as I expected it, he's inviting us to a feast. — Suzanne Collins

Trust me-that toilet and me were best friends for the first few days I was here. — Alexander Gordon Smith