Farted Quotes & Sayings

There are too many people writing about whether they just farted or not. — Mick Hucknall

There are moments when my kid can be the most compassionate person I've ever met. He's always
worried about hurting the feelings of those he loves. I hope he never loses that.
"I accidently farted in class today."
"Aaaand we're back to being twelve, — Kristen Proby

My dad was proud of himself when he farted. He sounds like he's strangling a chicken when he farts. — Carl Barron

We had a teacher, named Mr. Brown, and he was writing something on the board once - he was writing something on the board, and he farted. And you would have thought kids had seen the face of God. Kids weren't even laughing; they were just sitting there screaming, just screaming. Kids had to get carted out; kids were screaming. Kids had to get carted out, and they were going to the nurses' office. Kids are crying in the hallway. 'Oh, this is our 9/11.' And it was. It was their 9/11 'cause they never thought anything like that could ever happen. — Donald Glover

And we took off-whoosh-into the night. Through the clouds, we hurtled up into the sky. And this man farted. I will never forget it as long as I live. Not only was it the worst fart, it was the longest. Maybe, it was the position he was in, he had squeezed his ass all up. But he was kinda leanin over and pointing his ass up toward me. And it made the strangest noise. It was like cloth tearing. — Billy Connolly

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted. — Demetri Martin

My brain has farted so hard it might've pooped a little. — Belle Aurora

The Gems did not nag or complain, did not get periods or PMT, did not get pregnant, did not get body odour or hair, did not have discharge or bad breath, no shit or urine, did not get spots, did not suffer from diseases or headaches, did not have annoying bad habits, never farted, belched, vomited or picked their noses, did not need drugs or alcohol, did not need gifts such as jewellery, flowers, chocolate and money, did not need to shop, did not have piercings or tattoos, had no capacity to willingly lie or be fake, were never disloyal, were always eager to do any task required by their owner, sexual or non-sexual, did all the housework and cooking without complaint, were produced in the form of the perfect woman in the eyes of each client, did not constantly require their man to tell them they loved them, but most of all they did not age. — Robert Black

A girl was riding the elevator down to the lobby. The elevator stopped on the tenth floor and a totally cute boy walked in. She farted. Thinking fast on her feet she said, "Cool ringtone, isn't it? Want me to send it to you? — Scott McNeely

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered? — Bill Engvall

Bolts of energy swirled in the air and streamed into Dave's butt. Dave sneezed ... No. He farted through his nose. — Fred Barnett

Our camels plodded along. Katrina tried to kiss, or possibly spit on Hindenburg, and Hindenburg farted in response. I found this a depressing commentary on boy-girl relationships. — Rick Riordan

Humbledrum farted mournfully, three distinct notes. — Lev Grossman

Those ever more frequent nights when his loneliness became unbearable and he took solace in wine he would sometimes stand outside his tent holding his cup toward the great mass as if it lived and was then only slumbering beneath the stars. Drunk and bemused at its enormous dimensions he would mumble words at it, reaching out as if he could touch it. "Hail, you sleeping elephant - what would happen if you farted? Roll over, mighty carbuncle on the face of the earth, and dump the Jews in the sea of salt. I will live to crown you, Masada, with a wreath of my urine. — Ernest K. Gann

Your mother didn't give birth to you," I told hint, "but farted you out of her shrivelled arsehole."
"Frightened or not," Asser said, "you've taken Peredur's silver, so you must fight them now."
"Say one more word, monk," I said, "and I'll cut off your scrawny balls. — Bernard Cornwell

I tried so hard, I farted! Mrs. — Sharon M. Draper

I trusted providence to prevent a sneeze, refused to worry, declined to dwell on negative possibilities, and I did not sneeze, did not sneeze, still did not sneeze, but then I farted. — Dean Koontz

Mom stopped reading, closed the book, and started laughing her ass off. Behind her a bunch of old dudes reading newspapers looked up at her, all disapproving, like she'd just farted or something. — Walter Sorrells

I bet in the All-Time History of Dating no girl has ever told a boy who has just asked her out that she has fleas-and then farted! — Zoe Sugg

She was dry. She was lying on something soft. She was wrapped in quilts. There was a star of light drifting above her, and a smell like a herb garden. Taggle was a long warmth stretched out at one side, his chin in her hand, his tail curled over her neck. She thought they might be in heaven.
Taggle farted.
Plain Kate coughed and sneezed. And then she really was awake. — Erin Bow

Some of my cousins are so rich and stuck up. I fear they will one day have a heart attack when they realize that nasty smell was them as they farted. — Mark A. Cooper

What did you do?" "Blew up a fuel depot, stole twelve rockets and made off with them in a stolen van, got kidnapped by a maniac, and had dinner with a guy who farted fire." "That would be funny, but I'm worried it's all true." "It's been a long couple days." "Did he really fart fire?" Morelli asked. — Janet Evanovich

I don't feel so good." Lula said. And she farted.
She squeezed her eyes shut tight and did a full minute-long fart. "Excuse me." she said.
I was horrified and impressed all at the same time. It was a record breaking fart. On my best day, I couldn't come near to farting like that. — Janet Evanovich

With a bassy thump and a smell like burnt sulfur, Shitload farted himself far into the air. — David Wong

I thought, What a miserable life he's had, having to hide his religion, his name, just to get a job
as a driver - and he is a good driver, no question of it, a far better one than I will ever be.Part of
me wanted to get up and apologize to him right there and say, You go and be a driver in Delhi.
You never did anything to hurt me. Forgive me, brother.
I turned to the other side, farted, and went back to sleep. — Aravind Adiga

That moment, the music screeched to a halt. There was an ungodly collision of brass, reed, and percussion - trombones and piccolos skidded into cacophony, a tuba farted, and the hollow clang of a cymbal wavered out of the big top, over our heads and into oblivion. — Sara Gruen

My job had nothing to do with Irish mobsters. I didn't need the Feds crawling up my ass every time someone farted in my direction and certainly had no interest in the framework of gang leaders and soldiers. I was a lone wolf, — L.J. Shen

When the bishop farted we were amused to hear about it. Should the ploughboy find treasure we must be told. But when the ploughboy farts ... er ... keep it to yourself. — Kingsley Amis

Soon she cried and farted herself to sleep. — Louise Erdrich

We've got DNA tests; we can convict someone by his saliva. Hell, if the killer had farted in that house the forensic team would probably have some gadget that could pick it up. How can the crime scenes be so clean? — Chris Carter

[Dessie's] shop was a unique institution in Salinas. It was a woman's world. Here all the rules, and the fears that created the iron rules, went down. The door was closed to men. It was a sanctuary where women could be themselves- smelly, wanton, mystic, conceited, truthful, and interested. The whalebone corsets came off at Dessie's, the sacred corsets that moulded and warped woman-flesh into goddess-flesh. At Dessie's they were women who went to the toilet and overate and scratched and farted. And from this freedom came laughter, roars of laughter. — John Steinbeck

He levered himself upright and swung his legs out of bed, put both of his warm feet, into the strategically placed slippers, stood up, yawned, stretched and farted. — Keller Yeats

Half an hour into the movie, Margot started giggling, but it wasn't a funny part or anything. When Quinn looked over at her, she was covering her mouth and nose with one hand while waving the other in front of her. He couldn't hide his shock. No fucking way!
"Margot! You did not just fart!" Quinn exclaimed. He was absolutely dumbfounded. No woman has ever farted in front of him, not even his mom.
"I am sorry!" She laughed. "You would have never known if it did not smell!"
Quinn burst out laughing. He caught a whiff and laughed harder as he clapped a hand over his nose. It wasn't that bad, but he decided to play along. He was laughing so hard that he had tears running down his face. He couldn't remember the last time he laughed until he cried. Margot too was laughing so hard that she had tears running down her face. She gave him a playful shove, which only made it harder for him to breathe. — Andria Large

The masters thought they were loved until one day one of their favorites farted loudly while serving dinner and the next day was gone. The very first manifestation of the classless society is the disappearance of the servant class. — John Kenneth Galbraith

Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language. — Caroline Rhea

He doesn't seem that nervous to me," Parker said.
Oreo farted audibly.
Zoe fanned the air. "See? Nervous."
Parker laughed. "My guess would be he's eaten some of your cookies. — Jill Shalvis

Two pages of the passive voice - just about any business document ever written, in other words, not to mention reams of bad fiction - make me want to scream. It's weak, it's circuitous, and it's frequently tortuous, as well. How about this: My first kiss will always be recalled by me as how my romance with Shayna was begun. Oh, man - who farted, right? A simpler way to express this idea - sweeter and more forceful, as well - might be this: My romance with Shayna began with our first kiss. I'll never forget it. I'm not in love with this because it uses with twice in four words, but at least we're out of that awful passive voice. — Stephen King

She tried discreetly to squint and instead came off looking as if she had discreetly farted. — Alessandra Torre

I have never farted in front of a guy I fancied before - I was so embarrassed!. — Rebecca Loos

He wished Heath would have burped or farted. Anything to break the spell he had cast over Theo. — Scotty Cade

I panicked.
I farted.
I shrieked in humiliation. — Elle Casey

Someone has farted; no one knows just who, but this isn't like a normal adult place where everybody coolly pretends a fart didn't happen; here everybody has to make their little comment. — David Foster Wallace

Yes, an actual full-sized camel. If you find that confusing, just think how the criosphinx must have felt.
Where did the camel come from, you ask? I may have mentioned Walt's collection of amulets. Two of them summoned disgusting camels. I'd
met them before, so I was less than excited when a ton of dromedary flesh flew across my line of sight, plowed into the sphinx, and collapsed on top
of it. The sphinx growled in outrage as it tried to free itself. The camel grunted and farted.
"Hindenburg," I said. Only one camel could possibly fart that badly. "Walt, why in the world - ?"
"Sorry!" he yelled. "Wrong amulet!"
The technique worked, at any rate. The camel wasn't much of a fighter, but it was quite heavy and clumsy. The criosphinx snarled and clawed
at the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push the camel off; but Hindenburg just splayed his legs, made alarmed honking sounds, and let loose gas.
I moved to Walt's side and tried to get my bearings. — Rick Riordan

The chairs and tables, decorated with runners of Italian silk, were Disney-movie themed, because Kelly ate, breathed and farted Disney. — Heidi Cullinan

Alec huffed and leaned to the right and lifted his hand to his face, pointed two fingers at his eyes then pointed the same two fingers at Storm. "I'm watching you, big man."

Storm farted in response.

I burst out laughing then fled the room before the death like smell filled my nose. — L.A. Casey

Remember when only a few people had mobile phones. Generally regarded as an object of derision, you would occasionally see business types clutching those ridiculous grey bricks to their faces and mutter to yourself 'what a prick.' Nowadays, an eyebrow hardly even flutters when we see a ten-year-old child happily texting away. You probably wouldn't notice anyway; you'd be too busy downloading an app that could definitively pinpoint who it was that had just farted in your tube carriage. — Simon Pegg

But it was no ordinary fart. It was the Rainbow Fart Of Power. Who farted? Hoof Hearted did, that's who. All the colors of the rainbow shot from his butt and propelled him forward in the Cosmos. — Daniel Mega

I had two beady brown eyes that, no matter how hard I tried to look mysterious and cool, always seemed to say "It wasn't just me who farted. — Brian Katcher

The old man was in agony because of gas. He farted tremendously, and then he belched. — Kurt Vonnegut

She arched and farted like Mona Lisa if you really looked at her and for good fruitarian measure. — Joseph McElroy

like a bunch of mimes trapped in an invisible box within which one of the occupants has farted. — Jonny Nexus

The girdle went from just under my breasts to the top of my knees. It cinched me in pretty tight. In fact, it was so tight that when I sat in it and farted, the farts would slide up my back, shoot out the top of the girdle, and make my hair fly off the back of my beck. — Mollie Gross

I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted. — David Cross

She was so cold, she probably farted ice cubes. — Cara Lynn Shultz

However, neither occasion quite matched the levels of hilarity that ensued on the day Mr Miller sat on the corner of his desk and farted it to pieces. — Simon Pegg

That's how real men settle their differences, through reasoned discussion and a dispassionate analysis. He farted as I reached the inner door, a sign, I decided, of his respect. Alexander — Ben Aaronovitch

He had followed the calendar, the years, time-
Bird farted.
And it came to me, as though it were riding one moment of the gusting wind, as though bird had had it in him all the time and had passed it to me in that one moment of instant corruption. — James Welch

But then Denny, who was standing in front of her, did the sweetest thing. He farted at her. — Suzanne Wright

Just imagine what it was like growing up here," he replied. "Every time I farted, the maid sprayed air freshener. — Nick Wilgus