Fart Quotes & Sayings

I want to do it too!" said Gazzy, sitting very, very quietly, completely motionless.
"Nope," said Nudge, shaking her head. "You stand out like a fart in church. — James Patterson

When I tell you you'll fart and pee in your pants with terror. — Luo Guanzhong

Farting, don't think, just fart. — John Cage

Life without risks is like a burrito without Tabasco. Bland, but you'll still fart. — Martyn V. Halm

In the movies, every crazy old fart needs a cool old car. Jack Nicholson drove a spiffy yellow 1970 Dodge Challenger two-door in 'The Bucket List.' In 'Gran Torino,' the cranky pensioner played by Clint Eastwood not only owned a 1972 GT Sport, he also used to build cars like that at the Ford plant. — Richard Corliss

Walked around and hugged April so tight she let out a small fart. The both of us cracked up and I fell on the floor in hysterics. — Dannika Dark

This is bigger than a fart in a bathtub, you know. — John Marsden

And nostalgia is a cancer. Nostalgia will fill your heart up with tumors. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what you are. You're just an old fart dying of terminal nostalgia. — Sherman Alexie

Beans, beans, they're good for your heart," I said cheerily, seizing the opening. "The more you eat, the more you fart. The more you fart, the better you feel - so let's have beans for every meal! — Diana Gabaldon

My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away. — Jenny McCarthy

A hundred brilliant witticisms died suffocating on the captain's heavy glove. Thus muted, I pumped my codpiece at the duke and tried to force a fart, but my bum tumpet could find no note. — Christopher Moore

And we took off-whoosh-into the night. Through the clouds, we hurtled up into the sky. And this man farted. I will never forget it as long as I live. Not only was it the worst fart, it was the longest. Maybe, it was the position he was in, he had squeezed his ass all up. But he was kinda leanin over and pointing his ass up toward me. And it made the strangest noise. It was like cloth tearing. — Billy Connolly

Everybody has opinions: I have them, you have them. And we are all told from the moment we open our eyes, that everyone is entitled to his or her opinion. Well, that's horsepuckey, of course. We are not entitled to our opinions; we are entitled to our informed opinions. Without research, without background, without understanding, it's nothing. It's just bibble-babble. It's like a fart in a wind tunnel, folks. — Harlan Ellison

Bathroom humor, fart, and poo poo humor in movies gets a laugh. It's a pretty easy audience, and that's been around for ages. — Selma Blair

Narzel fart," I swore. — N.E. Conneely

Never, ever try to impress somebody.
Be exactly the person you would be if you were alone or with somebody it was safe to fart around.
Be that person. Be the person you are right now, alone, reading this book.
And then meet people.
Then hold out until you meet somebody who is utterly impressed.
Because then? You will not have impressed them. They will have been impressed by you. — Augusten Burroughs

I'm into paradoxes. I wanted to make an album about them, but the group told me I was a pretentious fart. They were right. — Brian May

Love? Dude. It's like a fart. You don't even know it's happening, but all of a sudden,it crawls up the crack of your ass and then the stink hits you. — Ann Everett

In Ghana, many issues start with the vim of boiling beans and end with the dignity of a fart. — Nana Awere Damoah

Naked Mr. America, burning frantic with self bone love, screams out: My asshole confounds the Louvre! I fart ambrosia and shit pure gold turds! My cock spurts soft diamonds in the morning sunlight! — William S. Burroughs

He wondered how many lives had been snuffed out by that fart. — George R R Martin

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward. — Bob Saget

It's become absolutely horrible the way the people with the money decide they can fart in the kitchen. — Steven Soderbergh

You Know the Most Dangerous Thing In the Water? A Shark Fart. — Gary Busey

Isn't he gorgeous? With those rolls, the wet-sounding grunts, bulbous wiggly tail, and smashed face - not to mention the fart the dog let out once he situated himself - he was gorgeous in a way that only a parent could appreciate. — Jeaniene Frost

I have a playlist of farts on my phone. — Lena Headey

Every particle being connected with every other; you can't fart without changing the balance in the universe. It makes living a funny joke with nobody around to laugh. — Philip K. Dick

I play around with my Japanese Garden. Since Im half way to 70 today I need to start pruning trees and sharpening plants like an old fart. — Jason Bateman

Save Gas, Fart in a Jar. — Gillian Flynn

[A]ll I want to do is sit on my ass and fart and think of Dante. — Samuel Beckett

And in winter, under my greatcoat, I wrapped myself in swathes of newspaper, and did not shed them until the earth awoke, for good, in April. The Times Literary Supplement was admirably adapted to this purpose, of a neverfailing toughness and impermeability. Even farts made no impression on it. I can't help it, gas escapes from my fundament on the least pretext, it's hard not to mention it now and then, however great my distaste. One day I counted them. Three hundred and fifteen farts in nineteen hours, or an average of over sixteen farts an hour. After all it's not excessive. Four farts every fifteen minutes. It's nothing. Not even one fart every four minutes. It's unbelievable. Damn it, I hardly fart at all, I should never have mentioned it. — Samuel Beckett

A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke. — Jenny Eclair

In real life people fart, in the movies, people don't. Why not? Farts are a repressed minority. The mouth gets to say all kinds of things, but the other place is supposed to keep quiet. But maybe our lower colons have something interesting to say. Maybe we should listen to them. Farts are human, more human than a lot of people I know. I think we should bring them out of the water closet and into the parlor. — Mel Brooks

His strength, his speed, his valor, all his hard-won skill . . . it was worth less than a mummer's fart, because he flinched from killing. — George R R Martin

Yes, an actual full-sized camel. If you find that confusing, just think how the criosphinx must have felt.
Where did the camel come from, you ask? I may have mentioned Walt's collection of amulets. Two of them summoned disgusting camels. I'd
met them before, so I was less than excited when a ton of dromedary flesh flew across my line of sight, plowed into the sphinx, and collapsed on top
of it. The sphinx growled in outrage as it tried to free itself. The camel grunted and farted.
"Hindenburg," I said. Only one camel could possibly fart that badly. "Walt, why in the world - ?"
"Sorry!" he yelled. "Wrong amulet!"
The technique worked, at any rate. The camel wasn't much of a fighter, but it was quite heavy and clumsy. The criosphinx snarled and clawed
at the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push the camel off; but Hindenburg just splayed his legs, made alarmed honking sounds, and let loose gas.
I moved to Walt's side and tried to get my bearings. — Rick Riordan

Wait!" said Erbrechen, suddenly feeling jovial. "I change my mind. Never shite again. Ever. Anywhere."
It was a small thing, but of such small things were life's joys truly made. The thought, he knew, would keep him smiling for days.
"The world is a comedy, intoned Erbrechen, tittering, "and each must play his fart. — Michael R. Fletcher

What?" he whispered.
"Nothing."
Cooper stood behind me and wrapped his arms around my chest, pulling me to him. "You work at that job. You never miss school. You deserve a little fun and we're going to have fun. Soon, my pop will grill and you'll pig out and I'll lick barbeque sauce off your lips. Then, I'll take you home, safe and sound. Do you understand?"
I nodded again, but Cooper sighed. "Why do you look ready to cry?"
"I'm nervous."
"Don't be. My family's a mess. We're sloppy. We eat too much. Talk too loud. Fart constantly. Next to us, you're a princess. — Bijou Hunter

Robert Plant asked me to marry him, but I said 'no.' I mean, you just don't want to marry someone you've wanted to do it with since you were thirteen, because, well, if he farts, I would, like, die! — Tori Amos

I'm a fart in a gale of wind, a humble violet under a cow pat. — Djuna Barnes

Skinners guts were in turmoil from the beer and curry at the weekend and a viscous, silent eye-stinging killer of a fart slipped out of him, as poignantly weeping as a lover's last farewell, just as the lift stopped at the next floor to let in two men wearing overalls. Everybody suffered in silence. As the workmen got off at the following level, Skinner seized the opportunity, announcing, - That is minging, looking towards the departing workers. He knew that when it came to farting everybody turned into Old Etonian High Court Judges. Men would always be suspected before women and men in working clothes would always be blamed before men in suits. Those were the rules.

From "The Bedroom Secrets Of The Master Chefs — Irvine Welsh

It's a dungeon, Leila. They're Supposed to smell.
Mission accomplished. The stench might have actually killed my new appetite. If hell could fart, it would smell like this. — Jeaniene Frost

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else ... — Demetri Martin

Comedy is there to basically show us we fart, we laugh, to make us realize we still are part animal. — Robin Williams

Farts and poop are still funny and will always be funny. — Mark Hoppus

Do you want to know why I don't like the so-called connoisseurs of arts? I hate hypocrisy. I'll give you an example: if the movie is colored and tells us about two friends who sit in the pool, fart into the water, get out of the pool and fart into each other's face it will be thrash, a lack of a culture and a third-rate comedy. But if the movie is black-and-white and tells us about two friends who cross the desert and peeing on each other, shit on the sand, and then they eat each other's shit, and on top of that they fucking each other's ass it will be a brilliant art house movie. — Ilze Falb

And now to sleep, to dream...perchance to fart. — Anthony Bourdain

You could make friends with a possessed unicorn, couldn't you?"
"Probably so. We both fart rainbows. — Jamie Farrell

The next morning I woke up with a furry lump pressed against my chest, its butt right under my chin. Before I could move, a toxic cloud of dog fart floated into my face. Barbeque sauce scented dog — Susan Lash

If I want to keep working as an actor, I'm going to become a comedian who does fart jokes. — Peter Sarsgaard

We're naked under our clothes; we both know what it's like to need to fart and hold it in, or not be able to get a hard-on, or worry that a bloke across the room might be looking at your bird and you might have to fight him but he looks well hard. — Russell Brand

Cumberbatch - it sounds like a fart in a bath, doesn't it? What a fluffy old name. I can never say it on a Monday morning. When I became an actor, Mum wasn't keen on me keeping it. — Benedict Cumberbatch

This Nicholas anon leet fle a fart
As greet as it had been a thonder-dent,
That with the strook he was almoost yblent;
And he was redy with his iren hoot,
And Nicholas amydde the ers he smoot.
Of gooth the skyn an hande-brede aboute,
The hoote kultour brende so his toute,
And for the smert he wende for to dye. — Geoffrey Chaucer

Lydia shook her head. "This is my life. Getting yelled at in a Walmart parking lot on a Friday night by somebody doing a bad impression of PG-13 fart-joke-movie comedian. — Jeff Zentner

I know that when ye think o' love you're supposed to think o' kissy faces and scented soap and hummin' happy songs together, but there's another vital part to it that people rarely admit to themselves: We want somebody to rescue us from other people. From talking to them, I mean, or from the burden of giving a damn about what they say. We don't want to be polite and stifle our farts, now, do we? We want to let 'em rip and we want to be with someone who won't care if we do, who will love us regardless and fart right back besides. — Kevin Hearne

There is Harlan Ellison the human being, who takes a crap a couple of times a day, and who farts, and who eats chicken croquettes, if I can find them. And then there is the writer, this writer-person, who is a much finer person than I. Much more orderly, much more meaningful. Worthier, than I [am]. — Harlan Ellison

A fart is not only a political statement; it is also a weapon. — Bridget Christie

The moral of the story is we're here on Earth to fart around. And, of course, the computers will do us out of that. And, what the computer people don't realize, or they don't care, is we're dancing animals. You know, we love to move around. — Kurt Vonnegut

Coinman lets out another legendary explosive from his hindquarters! — Pawan Mishra

These young folks, with that twerking, I thought, just like an old fart. — R.K. Lilley

Some well-meaning folks think if we stop talking about racism, it'll magically disappear, like the smell of an errant fart. But like a fart, people might try to be polite and ignore it, but everyone knows it's there. Avoidance has never been a great tactic in solving any problem. For most situations in life, not addressing what's going wrong only makes matters worse. It's like someone breaks your arm, and the person who slammed the baseball bat into it is saying, 'The only reason it won't heal is because you keep complaining that it hurts.' How about you get me a cast so the bone can set straight again? America does not want to put the effort into providing this cast. This is why we must talk about race, and we must do it openly. — Luvvie Ajayi

In the cosmos of time, there's not a cocksucker in this room who is more than a fart in the wind! — Daniel S. Pena

Damn! Blazing Hades! That filth-eating son of a pig-fart! — Diana Gabaldon

Buster was queer as a cat fart. — John Irving

Your friends are at the house.'
I sit up, straight. 'Who'?
'I don't know. Weird people. The Sullivan girl, whose father got the Gosford police to pick you up.'
'Siobhan?'
'And another one who's making cups of tea for everyone, and keeping the boy who's telling Luca fart jokes away from the girl who says he's "the last bastion of patriarchal poor taste".'
'Justine, Thomas and Tara.'
And the drug fiend, Jimmy, is keeping Mia calm and the Trombal boy's rung about ten times. I don't like his manner on the phone.'
'You won't like any guy's manner on the phone. — Melina Marchetta

The biggest milestone in a relationship is when you can fart in front of each other freely and loudly. Without judgements — Himmilicious

A sneeze travels at a peak velocity of two hundred miles per hour. A burp, more slowly; a fart, slower yet. But a kiss thrown by fingers- its departure is sudden, its arrival ambiguous, and there is no source that can state with authority what speeds are reached in its flight. — Tom Robbins

The man knows he's a target. He's very careful. The'll find the guns.'
Kolya responded with a mournful fart, low and solemn as a single note of a baritone horn. — David Benioff

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class. — Demetri Martin

Using blasphemy as entertainment is as cheap as a comedian telling a fart joke. — Katy Perry

Even farts made no impression on it. I can't help it, gas escapes from my fundament on the least pretext, it's hard not to mention it now and then, however great my distaste. One day I counted them. Three hundred and fifteen farts in nineteen hours, or an average of over sixteen farts an hour. After all it's not excessive. Four farts every fifteen minutes. It's nothing. Not even one fart every four minutes. It's unbelievable. Damn it, I hardly fart at all, I should never have mentioned it. Extraordinary how mathematics help you to know yourself. — Samuel Beckett

If it doesn't fart or eat hay, she isn't interested. — Prince Philip

If 'tis a sin, I don't give a Fiddler's fart! — Frank McCourt

This Earle of Oxford, making of his low obeisance to Queen Elizabeth, happened to let a Fart, at which he was so abashed and ashamed that he went to Travell, 7 yeares. On his returne the Queen welcomed him home, and sayd, My Lord, I had forgott the Fart. — John Aubrey

He that lives upon hope will die farting. — Benjamin Franklin

When the all-father in eagle form had almost reached the vats, with Suttung immediately behind him, Odin blew some of the mead out of his behind, a splattery wet fart of foul-smelling mead right in Suttung's face, blinding the giant and throwing him off Odin's trail.
No one, then or now, wanted to drink the mead that came out of Odin's ass. — Neil Gaiman

I intended to make it sound guileless and rather sweet but you will see in it the little blades of social criticism without which no book is worth a fart in hell. — John Steinbeck

Nope, you stick out like a fart in a church. — James Patterson

Half an hour into the movie, Margot started giggling, but it wasn't a funny part or anything. When Quinn looked over at her, she was covering her mouth and nose with one hand while waving the other in front of her. He couldn't hide his shock. No fucking way!
"Margot! You did not just fart!" Quinn exclaimed. He was absolutely dumbfounded. No woman has ever farted in front of him, not even his mom.
"I am sorry!" She laughed. "You would have never known if it did not smell!"
Quinn burst out laughing. He caught a whiff and laughed harder as he clapped a hand over his nose. It wasn't that bad, but he decided to play along. He was laughing so hard that he had tears running down his face. He couldn't remember the last time he laughed until he cried. Margot too was laughing so hard that she had tears running down her face. She gave him a playful shove, which only made it harder for him to breathe. — Andria Large

I wrote the book based on a blog that I keep. I also tweet. I don't think that for an incredibly old fart I'm totally behind the power curve. I really believe that the essentials of human relationships remain the same. — Tom Peters

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can't fart and chew gum at the same time. — Lyndon B. Johnson

Confucius once said that a bear could not fart at the North Pole without causing a big wind in Chicago. — Philip Jose Farmer

I'm only interested in heavy metal when it's me who's playing it. I suppose it's a bit like smelling your own farts. — John Entwistle

I realized that you don't try on a pair of pants, fart in them, and then put them back on the shelf, and the same rough politeness applied here, too. Plain and simple, I bled on it, I bought it. — Laurie Notaro

Someone has farted; no one knows just who, but this isn't like a normal adult place where everybody coolly pretends a fart didn't happen; here everybody has to make their little comment. — David Foster Wallace

Behind the cool mask of bravado, past the one-way mirror of his mind, underneath the rock-solid layers of self-control, in the Zen garden that was Master Sewer's soul, a high-pitched anxiety fart rustled through the still leaves. If farts could talk, this one would have said, Damn coppers! — Sorin Suciu

I desperately wanted a chance to prove myself. Not because I cared a fart for druids. No. I had instead conceived a new plan for escape. — Stephen R. Lawhead

The plant and animal kingdoms (excluding humans) offered some pleasant surprises. Organisms from these realms are much simpler to figure out. Their behaviours are not muddied by personality factors or flawed belief systems. If an insect smells like a fart, you can be sure that the stench has a genetic basis. It is neither trying to make a lofty point, nor is it suffering from an inferiority complex. — Taona Dumisani Chiveneko

They didn't trademark everything back then. Now someone farts and they put a TM after it. Even Miller Lite says 'A Fine Pilsner Beer' on the label. It is a crime. — Michael Jackson

We need grandchildren here," Pete's mother said to me
when we visited. "You don't get married just to eat and fart. — Abigal Muchecheti

The tension between her lack of control and her attempt to suppress it is horrible. It's like a fart in church. — Margaret Atwood

So the Trustees of Ohio State were right in 1956 when they canned the English instructor for assigning Catcher in the Rye to his freshman class. They knew there is no qualitative difference between the kid who thinks it's funny to fart in chapel, and Che Guevara. They knew then Holden Caulfield would found SDS. — E.L. Doctorow

I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body. — Walter Matthau

What kind of power was it if everybody knew that it would never be used? Better to say that it was not there, that it was no more than the power in the anus of the proud dog who tried to put out a furnace with his puny fart ... He turned the yam with a stick. — Chinua Achebe

That dragon queen's got the real item, the kind that don't break and run when you fart in their general direction. — George R R Martin

We go in dark, quiet, and at a crawl. We do not gravitate, transmit, or even fart in the general direction of that thing. — Evan Currie

Come athwart my hawse and I shall ride you down, you half-baked son of an Egyptian fart,' to a wool-gathering jolly-boat; and art echoed from either shore. — Patrick O'Brian

A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death. — Michael Bassey Johnson

It goes on top and breaks down,
It can emit a high or low sound.
Each atom of such noisy chute
Exhale the aroma of a ripe fruit. — Ana Claudia Antunes

If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus. — Robin Williams

When the silence gets warmer, the fart has been released — T. Haque