F.b Funny Quotes & Sayings

It does not mean you are not awesome, if no one ever appreciates your beauty. But I can see that, in your juicy eyes, funny smiles and innocent face. And I am telling you now; you are exceptionally beautiful and awesome. — M.F. Moonzajer

I can eat you at breakfast, not because I am a monster; it is only because you are too cute and yummy. — M.F. Moonzajer

The notion originated with Daisy's suggestion that we hire five bath-rooms and take cold baths, and then assumed more tangible form as "a place to have a mint julep." Each of us said over and over that it was a "crazy idea." - we all talked at once to a baffled clerk and thought, or pretended to think, that we were being very funny ... — F Scott Fitzgerald

Their vaginas were just ships passing in the night, stopping to pick up every dirty sailor. — K.F. Germaine

Grabbing a scarf off the chair, I threw it at him.
He caught it, clutching it to his chest as he flew into the air. "You gave Tink a scarf. Tink is free!" He flew out into the hallway like a little cracked-out fairy, screeching, "Tink is freeeeee!"
Ren looked at me. "What the actual f**k?"
I sighed. "He's obsessed with Harry Potter. I'm sorry."
Tink darted back into the room, holding the scarf to his bare chest. "There is no reason to apologize when it comes to Harry Potter."
"You do remember what happened to Dobby, right?" I said.
"S**t." Tink's eyes widened and he dropped the scarf. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

I love New York on summer afternoons when everyone's away. There's something very sensuous about it - overripe, as if all sorts of funny fruits were going to fall into your hands. — F Scott Fitzgerald

God (mentally on my knees), if I can just get through this night, I'll come to church. On Christmas. Every fifteen years. For the next fifteen years. So once. — K.F. Germaine

The reason why a man cannot stop staring at a woman ass is only because God has spent 80 percent of his time and efforts on woman ass and 20 percent on her entire body. — M.F. Moonzajer

Medicine's a funny business. After all, dispensing chemicals is considered mainstream and diet and nutrition is considered alternative. — Charles F. Glassman

I suppose the latest thing is to sit back and let Mr. Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife. — F Scott Fitzgerald

And I do not have a weird thing with Simon Snow,' Cath said. 'I'm just really active in the fandom.'
'What the f**ck is a fandom'
'You wouldn't understand,' Cath sighed — Rainbow Rowell

I am a pacifist, but be aware that I also carry a gun. — M.F. Moonzajer

I have a copy of you in my brain; when you make me angry I do very bad things to you. — M.F. Moonzajer

I look at things logically. The humor I do is to go from A to B to C to D, and F is the funny. — Ron Shock

Literary dementia seems dated now, but there was a time when a month in the funny farm was as de rigueur for budding writers as an M.F.A. is now. To be sent away was a badge of honor; to undergo electroshock, a glorious martyrdom. — Walter Kirn

She is so funny, stubborn and selfish; and that makes her so special. — M.F. Moonzajer

We all men want a bad girl friend, but a good wife. — M.F. Moonzajer

What most readers do not realize is that it takes a particular genius to write funny, to satirize. — F. Sionil Jose

You know, bullying," her mother began. "I see it every day. Kids get bullied at school, they get cyber bullied, text bullied, Myface bullied."
"Oh, God!" Arista groaned. "It's My Space or Facebook. Not Myface. — Dianne F. Gray

The strongest should come first in comedy because once a character is really established as funny everything he does is funny. — F Scott Fitzgerald

I want you to lie to me just as sweetly as you know how for the rest of my life. — F Scott Fitzgerald

Every band should study Queen at Live Aid. If you really feel like that barrier is gone, you become Freddie Mercury. I consider him the greatest frontman of all time. Like, it's funny? you'd imagine that Freddie was more than human, but ... You know how he controlled Wembley Stadium at Live Aid in 1985? He stood up there and did his vocal warm ups with the audience. Something that intimate, where they realize, 'Oh yeah, he's just a f***ing dude. — Dave Grohl

It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people. — F Scott Fitzgerald

If you have a problem with me, it is OK, because Mullah Omar does too. — M.F. Moonzajer

There is a lot to learn about love and positions. — M.F. Moonzajer

She was so funny, stubborn and courageous and I loved her. But all turned to be fake — M.F. Moonzajer

Women are like shower faucets, you must treat them carefully, because if you do not, it will either burn your balls or freeze your ass. — M.F. Moonzajer

A woman who is praying and a woman who is having fun, they both say " Oh My God", the only difference is how they pronounce it. — M.F. Moonzajer

Funny thing, time, how it all fit together despite such arbitrary beginnings and endings, the whole of it played out and calculated down to the very second, each breath, every sunset, dream and waking moment designed, the beat of every heart accounted for, each life a preordained piece of a much larger puzzle, a precisely measured unit in the infinite vacuum of space and time. — Greg F. Gifune

No one cares how long you kept yourself virgin and how loyal you are, everyone is looking for a hole to play with. — M.F. Moonzajer

I probably would have gone the M.F.A. route except I was a dad at 19, and it made more sense to go to work for a newspaper and support a kid that way. But the funny thing is, that detour became the most important step in my developing as a novelist. — Jess Walter

God might have been either drunk or naughty when he was creating women. — M.F. Moonzajer

I agree," Skyler replied. "There's nothing funny about it." He pointed to
the cottage. "The house is unoccupied; we have permanent residents
looking for a place to stay." He held up both hands. "What's the problem?"

"The problem?" Ella asked, with a raised eyebrow. "I think the problem
is six-foot tall, has black hair, green eyes and the ability to kick your ass
across Salvador. — S.F. Mazhar

Fear does funny things to people. Shit, Dahmer was cooking and eating people in the middle of an apartment building. Imagine what you can get away with in a no man's land. — Greg F. Gifune

Not everyone who stares likes us; we may look weird enough to get everyone's attention. — M.F. Moonzajer

"I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that. She tried to tell him: "That was a joke!" But he just didn't get it. Mick Jagger said, "F- 'em if they don't get the joke." And I love him. That comes with age: Knowing it's their problem, not mine." — Joan Rivers

Funny how different life could be, so many things that make you take one route instead of another. If only we could live them all. — Peter F. Hamilton

Sex before love is like a bandage before a wound. — M.F. Moonzajer

It's a funny thing about comin' home. Looks the same, smells the same, feels the same. You'll realize what's changed is you. — F Scott Fitzgerald

Sydney did not believe in life after death, but in her experience, admitting this could lead to long and complicated discussions in which people seemed to think that since she did not believe in God or the afterlife, there was nothing to stop her from becoming an ax murderer. — Maureen F. McHugh

You know, Lincoln was funny. I don't think F.D.R. was very funny. But Lincoln was funny. Lincoln was really funny. But I think you should get elected first, and then show that you're funny. — Al Franken

Love is a funny thing, isn't it? It likes to f*** with you by making you fall in love with the wrong person."- Master Rex from my upcoming book "Whispers of Change — Justus Roux

A woman is always better in everything with the mouth; she talks a lot. — M.F. Moonzajer

His was a great sin who first invented consciousness. Let us lose it for a few hours. — F Scott Fitzgerald

Never miss a party ... good for the nerves
like celery. — F Scott Fitzgerald

Do not complain about two things; your job and your position, because you can always change them. — M.F. Moonzajer

I'll drink your champagne. I'll drink every drop of it, I don't care if it kills me. — F Scott Fitzgerald

What the fuck?" That was me. Pete's not an f-word kinda guy. Me? My current record is eighty-two F-bombs in under a minute. — Adrienne Wilder

August in Kansas City is hotter than two rats f**king in a sock. — Ichiro Suzuki

You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!! — Bill Watterson

Isn't it funny? You forgive people before they ask forgiveness. Later they expect your apologize. — M.F. Moonzajer

Darling Daddy,
Poor Saffy. She had a big fight in the boys toilets on Monday, did you know? A very big fight and Sarah helped and it was terrifying. Said a boy in my class who has a brother who was there.
Saffy washed her hands and said Never Ever Never Dare You Touch My Brother. (Indigo). And the plug holes were blocked with hair.
Love from Rose.
-Sarah's mother has given us soup. Soup soup soup and then it was all gone.
L.F.R. — Hilary McKay

I can't see that it's wrong to give him a little legal experience before he goes out to practice law. — John F. Kennedy

Before I could say anything, Jamie began writing giant letters over the words with his index finger.
F-U-C-K Y-O-U.
My sentiments exactly. — Michelle Hodkin

I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-f**ked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right. — Greg Behrendt

Dad shakes his head. "Nope. His name start with an F." He snaps his fingers. "Floyd. That's it. When I picked you up from school, I overheard you say how much you like him, and miss him, and . . ." Then my brother and I start laughing so hard we practically hyperventilate. Dad shrugs. "What? I know I'm clueless, but you've got to tell me what's so funny." "Floyd is Karma's phone," says Toby, who's clutching his stomach because he's laughing so hard. My — Hillary Homzie

The funny part about Islam is; even if you rape a woman, it would be considered as her fault. — M.F. Moonzajer

The world is in trouble because of a few funny sympathetic philosophers — M.F. Moonzajer

If ever an error had "F" written on it, that grounder did. — Jerry Coleman

R.F. JACKABY
INVESTIGATIVE SERVICES
ASSISTANT WANTED
-$8 PER WEEK-
Must be literate and possess a keen intellect and open mind.
Strong stomach preferred.
Inquire at 926 Augur Lane.
Do not stare at the frog. — William Ritter

Dayum! You know Charley's pissed when the f-bomb is flying out her mouth like it's her job to drop them. — Jacquelyn Ayres

If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked. — Chelsea Handler

Let her go in with him."
( ... )
"Actually, I feel quite endangered by her presence. Dont you, Lila?"
"Absolutely," said Lila. "She terrifies me. Right Sean?"
"Shit." Sean wiped a hand over his face. ( ... ) Lila raised her eyebrows and the Viking groaned in defeat. "Never been so scared in my life. She's so small and ... wounded."
"Please, Finn," said Ali, her eyes full of warmth and good humor. "Save us. You're our last hope."
"F***ing ridiculous." Finn pulled a set of keys out of his pocket and shoved one into the lock. — Kylie Scott

Probably more than any concrete vice or failing Amory despised his own personality - he loathed knowing that to-morrow and the thousand days after he would sell pompously at a compliment and sulk at an ill word like a third-rate musician or a first-class actor. — F Scott Fitzgerald

You are funny like a kid and awesome like a princess
Unseen like an angel, like the morning sunshine ...
Kindness like a river and highness like a mountain,
In the middle of the Rheine, the cute face and sweet lips ...
(La la la la, La la , mmmm , mm ... )
Keep the lovely smile, in your juicy icy eyes
Open the heaven for my eyes, forever angel voice
Never angry never harsh, never mad never marsh
Dear or darling, either diamond or dime,
Overall the dream of the world — M.F. Moonzajer

It's crazy. Since there have been men and women, there have been funny women ... f**king idiot-ass men keep saying that women aren't funny. It makes me crazy. I find it disgusting and offensive every time. — Andy Samberg

Not that I don't think irreverent humor and someone being filthy is funny, I just do what I do. Any comedian would admit throwing an f-bomb in there would help get a reaction ... I'm not on a Puritanical pursuit, but when I would curse in a joke, I believe I'm not done writing it. — Jim Gaffigan

Slim Shady is just the evil thoughts that come into my head. Things I shouldn't be thinking about. Not to be gimmicky, but people should be able to determine when I'm serious and when I'm f ... around. That's why a lot of my songs are funny. I got a warped sense of humor I guess. — Eminem

Nessa held her arm up. She was staring at it, trying to gauge how big that was. "Dude, that's as big as my arm. That's like being f****d by a limb dude!" She wiggled her arm back and forth. "That's not normal. — Erin Jamison

I am like a dead begonia hanging upside down because like a dead begonia I don't give a f**k. — David Levithan

You cannot expect a man to love you, but not because of your body or physical construction. It is like giving a man the option between choosing you and a monkey. — M.F. Moonzajer

It's funny how all the fussing and fighting turns into us f-king and flying. — Wiz Khalifa

[He] carefully put a funky-looking pair of reading glasses on her. "There we go. How are they?"
She blinked experimentally, peering around the room. "Good, I think. Thank you."
"Wear them the next time we f***. That would be thanking me."
"Aww. You say the sweetest things."
"Don't I? — Kylie Scott

Sadness is like growing of hairs around our ass; we may not like it or want it, but it is surprisingly always there. — M.F. Moonzajer

When I go to the bathrooms, I cannot take off my pants as before; because there is a light continuously blinking like a camera, everyone says it is just an environmental friendly lighting. Well, I cannot really trust it and I am not taking the risk of circulating my naked photos around. — M.F. Moonzajer

Just like an angel, the lovely one and the cute
All the beauty together in your funny sulky looks
Innocent, like the kids, like the pigeons in my garden
Magnetic attraction, awesome, amazing and the super astute
Immortal charming, like the moon and the stars
Elegant, stylish, you must be very tasty, fruit — M.F. Moonzajer

Some lucky people can be funny without half trying because they actually look funny, because acting funny is in their bones - fun as funny, not funny as crude slapstick. — F. Sionil Jose