Everyday Humor Quotes & Sayings

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign,' just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. — Mitch Hedberg

I rummaged through the drawers in search of a strong poison. I thought of nothing as I looked; I had to get it over with as quickly as possible. It was as if it were an everyday task I needed to do.
All I could find were things of no use to me: buttons, string, thread of various colors, notebooks - all strongly redolent of naphthalene and none capable of causing a man's death. Buttons, thread, and string - that is what the world contained at this most tragic of moments. — Max Blecher

Julian tried to keep a pleasant smile on his face, though already it felt strained. He was uncomfortable with people who used the word blessed as a part of their everyday speech. The implication was that God was intervening in the minutiae of their lives, hanging around and helping them with their jobs or children or household chores as though He had nothing better to do.
Maybe it was true, Julian thought wryly. Maybe that was why there were wars and murders and earthquakes and hurricanes. God was too busy helping real estate agents find new listings to deal with those other issues. — Bentley Little

I love new clothes. If everyone could just wear new clothes everyday, I reckon depression wouldn't exist anymore. — Sophie Kinsella

Senses of humor define people, as factions, deeper rooted than religious or political opinions. When carrying out everyday tasks, opinions are rather easy to set aside, but those whom a person shares a sense of humor with are his closest friends. They are always there to make the biggest influence. — Criss Jami

I'm just an everyday kind of hero. If the everyday kind saves babies from burning buildings and looks hotter than hell in bunker gear. — Lois Greiman

Anyone who says forty is the new twenty can suck it - if they can bend over enough to reach it. It's more like the new ninety, because you're now seriously pondering when Death will ring your doorbell in the form of those everyday pains and aches that now torture your once hot, tight body. — Christine Zolendz

What would your shoes say about the things you do everyday? — Sherley Mondesir-Prescott

What I think we need to do is infuse everyday and every action with the kind of values we hope will be in the future, with kindness, with nurturing, with dreams, ambition, using your talents, not resorting to violence, other forms of conflict resolution, with humor, with poetry, with music. — Gloria Steinem

Now the Gang of McCrook was a miserable mob,
for whom robbing you blind was an everyday job.

They were known for their violence and criminal feats,
for a seedy selection of sinful deceits
from robbery, arson, and pyramid schemes,
to snatching the mascots from basketball teams.

They had once robbed a pet shop of all of its cash,
and they never - not ever - recycled their trash! — Robert Paul Weston

I laugh almost everyday. I have a good sense of humor, so I'm always finding something funny. — Condoleezza Rice

Holy Goshness! She gasped mentally, quickly averting her eyes.

For Being such a private and antisocial guy in normal everyday life, zonked out Harley sure didn't have a problem with wandering around in the buff. — Amy Cook

I'm quite sure more people fake an awful lot of everyday human contact. I just fake all of it.
Dexter — Jeff Lindsay

Potluck Supper with Meeting to Follow is a marvel, deftly examining the connections between art and everyday life. Andy Sturdevant's lively, unique inquiries into trust fund kids, co-opted flags, gubernatorial portraits, art in second-tier cities, and Upper Midwestern esoterica, brim with both wit and humor. — Joe Meno

Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs. — Christopher Morley

Monty Python: A documentary series on everyday life in Great Britain. — Frank Portman

They'll torture you for months before killing you if you run Otis shrugged, as if this was an everyday occurrence. — Heather Brewer

Dealing with jackasses on every front today. Good thing I have tiger blood and Adonis DNA. (Charlie Sheen Reference) — Greg Campbell

You can find heroism everyday, like guys working terrible jobs because they've got to support their families. Or as far as humor, the things I see on the job, on the street, are far funnier than anything you'll ever see on TV. — Harvey Pekar

Walking back across the St-Esprit bridge, to the ghetto I'd instinctively gravitated toward, I mentally erected a more appropriate statue on the square. It would depict an unknown Sephardic Jew, kneeling over a stone tripod covered with crushed cacao beans destined for a cup of chocolate for one of the gentiles of Bayonne.
It would be a symbolic piece, executed in smooth, chocolate-hued marble, and dedicated to all the other forgotten heroes--coffee-drinking Sufi dervishes, peyote-eating Native Americans, Mexican hemp-smokers--who, throughout history, have faced the wrath of all the sultans, drug czars, and Vatican clerics who have resorted to any spurious pretext to squelch one of the most venerable and misunderstood of human drives: the desire to escape, however briefly, everyday consciousness. — Taras Grescoe

Everyday is an adventure to write about----- — Mschell

He wanted to be in the world and take what came with it, endings local and universal, full stops, periods, looks of injured disappointment and the everyday war. He liked the everyday war. He was taking that with fries. To go. — Zadie Smith

Seinfeld has his way of telling jokes - and I'm not comparing myself to Seinfeld, his genius is observing the small details of everyday life and finding humor in it. — Nick Kroll

I would love to be on a Real Housewives from somewhere reality show. Then I could show all those women how the rest of our society gets to do it. — Heather Chapple

Honestly, I'm one of the ones who is least like my character, just because I like to make people laugh and have a good time-and be kind of fun and silly. Jake is very composed, has his guard up, and is a bit damaged. [But] Cory Monteith is pretty much like Finn. I think they both kind of have that goofy sense of humor. Cory is so hilarious in his everyday life, just like Finn is. — Jacob Artist

There's no need for fiction when we have everyday life. — Latasha Wakefield

Hey,hey,hey. Smoke weed everyday — Dave Chappelle

People at shows have told me that they've shown my videos to their parents and families to help them come out of the closet. It's very inspiring that comedy can do that and can help people cope with everyday life and challenges through humor. — Margaret Cho

I discovered that there was just as much humor to be found in the minutiae of everyday life as there was in a tale of crazy capers. — Nancy The Cat

Like journalists. The police have an extremely sick sense of humor, very guarded, very private, very male, which they need to survive on an everyday level. I don't think anyone has ever managed to tap that on the screen - it would actually be too shocking. — Helen Mirren

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more? — Chris Rock

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. — Steven Wright

The boy scout struggled after her with the bundle that was too heavy for him. Studs watched them, and thought unprintable things about old lady Gorman. — James Farrell

I'm assuming you didn't just call me to come out of the closet to a blind woman'

'Oh, it's something I do everyday,' Kate said, enjoying Faith's sense of humor. 'I open up a phone book, randomly select a name, dial it, and when they answer, I proclaim I'm a lesbian and then hang up. — Laurie Salzler

It's your outlook on life that counts. If you take yourself lightly and don't take yourself too seriously, pretty soon you can find the humor in our everyday lives. And sometimes it can be a lifesaver. — Betty White

The best everyday example of relativity, the finest symptom of human intelligence, is humor. ( ... ) Design without humor is not human. The word 'beautiful' does not mean anything. Only coherence counts. An object, design or not, is primarily an object that meets the parameters of human intelligence, which reconciles opposites. The lack of humor is the definition of vulgarity. — Philippe Starck

With my adventurous, can-do attitude, I walked into a world where crap is an everyday event. — Cindy Keiger