Esar Evan Quotes & Sayings

A creature that never cries over spilt milk: a cat. — Evan Esar

Some people would never get any exercise at all if they didn't have to walk to their cars. — Evan Esar

An expert is someone who takes something you already know and makes it sound confusing. — Evan Esar

A dictator's chief problem is keeping the stomachs of his subjects full while keeping their heads empty. — Evan Esar

Divorce has become so easy nowadays that women have stopped crying at weddings. — Evan Esar

The most uncommon form of intelligence is common sense. — Evan Esar

The man who doctors himself with the aid of medical books, runs the risk of dying of a typographical error. — Evan Esar

The saddest thing in life is to marry a woman who looks like a cook
and isn't. — Evan Esar

Some couples divorce because of a misunderstandin g; others, because they understand each other too well. — Evan Esar

You can always tell the golfer who's winning: he's the one who keeps telling his opponent that it's only a game. — Evan Esar

The first requisite for a good cup of coffee in the morning is to get your wife out of bed. — Evan Esar

Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind. — Evan Esar

Good teachers cost a lot; but, poor teachers cost a lot more. — Evan Esar

Hope is tomorrow's veneer over today's disappointment. — Evan Esar

Lecturers should remember that the capacity of the mind to absorb is limited to what the seat can endure. — Evan Esar

A lazy man's wife is generally the power behind the drone. — Evan Esar

The lecturer who is full of his subject is usually very slow in emptying himself. — Evan Esar

About the only time Congress conforms to the will of the people is when it decides to adjourn. — Evan Esar

Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does. — Evan Esar

A woman is always ready to describe another woman as charming, but only if the other woman is not charming. — Evan Esar

Many a man works himself to death by burying himself in his work. — Evan Esar

A compromise is a settlement by which each side gets what neither side wanted. — Evan Esar

If it required some effort to go from today to tomorrow, some people would always remain in yesterday. — Evan Esar

It takes far more courage to violate a custom than a law. — Evan Esar

Compare what you want with what you have, and you'll be unhappy; compare what you deserve with what you have, and you'll be happy. — Evan Esar

Some women get divorces on the grounds of incompatibility; others, on just the first two syllables. — Evan Esar

Common sense is usually lack of imagination, and imagination is usually lack of common sense. — Evan Esar

Many a husband lives to regret the extravagant fee he bestowed upon the minister who sentenced him. — Evan Esar

All men are created equal and endowed by their Creator with a mighty urge to become otherwise. — Evan Esar

A lecturer often makes you feel dumb at one end and numb at the other. — Evan Esar

Every bride and groom would do well to remember that in wedding, the we comes before the I. — Evan Esar

A man doesn't have vacation problems: his boss tells him when to take them, and his wife tells him where. — Evan Esar

The trouble with dieting is that a pound of will power takes off only an ounce of weight. — Evan Esar

The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about. — Evan Esar

More diets start in dress shops than in doctors' offices. — Evan Esar

An epigram is the marriage of wit and wisdom; a wisecrack, their divorce. — Evan Esar

After paying for the wedding, about the only thing a father has left to give away is the bride. — Evan Esar

Many an actor does the stage more ham than good. — Evan Esar

Consistency is a jewel, but too much jewelry is vulgar. — Evan Esar

Next time a man tells you talk is cheap, ask him if he knows how much a session of Congress costs. — Evan Esar

The most popular form of altruism is giving to others the advice you cannot use yourself. — Evan Esar

You can always make a loan at a bank if you can show sufficient evidence that you don't need it. — Evan Esar

The three chief causes of divorce are men, women, and marriage. — Evan Esar

A hamburger by any other name costs twice as much. — Evan Esar

Definition of Statistics: The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures. — Evan Esar

A bureaucrat is an official who is clothed with power and whom it doesn't fit. — Evan Esar

Conscience gets a lot of credit that really belongs to cowardice. — Evan Esar

Only one man has the right to boast, and that's the man who never does. — Evan Esar

A wedding is the formality a man has to go through before going to work for a new boss. — Evan Esar

Definition of a Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits than under analysis some of them won't stand up either. — Evan Esar

The difference between us and other people is that their money looks bigger and their troubles smaller. — Evan Esar

In elections, the undecided vote is usually the deciding factor. — Evan Esar

The best way to spoil a good story is by sticking to the facts. — Evan Esar

Canada's climate is nine months winter and three months late in the fall. — Evan Esar

Egocentric: A person who has his I's too close together. — Evan Esar

Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions. — Evan Esar

The only place where you can find equality is in the cemetery. — Evan Esar

A bore finds it easy to start talking, and even easier to get others to stop listening. — Evan Esar

Experience is a great teacher, and sometimes a pretty teacher is a great experience. — Evan Esar

The word impossible is peculiar because if you examine it closely, you'll find that most of it is possible. — Evan Esar

Hindsight is good, foresight is better; but second sight is best of all. — Evan Esar

If you can't bear to have your face stepped on, don't try to climb the ladder of success. — Evan Esar

The man who has a girl in every port is not a sailor but a wholesaler. — Evan Esar

The honeymoon is the only period when a woman isn't trying to reform her husband. — Evan Esar

There are two kinds of leaders: those who are interested in the flock, and those who are interested in the fleece. — Evan Esar

The girl with a future avoids a man with a past. — Evan Esar

An actor is a man with an infinite capacity for taking praise. — Evan Esar

Some men are so eager for success that they are even willing to work for it. — Evan Esar

Las Vegas is a resort whose two chief sources of income are seven and eleven. — Evan Esar

Ego: The only thing that can keep growing without nourishment. — Evan Esar

There's only one thing worse than to live without working, and that is to work without living. — Evan Esar

A credit card is a convenient device that saves you the trouble of counting your change. — Evan Esar

It's surprising how much wisdom every man possesses
if not for his own affairs, then for the affairs of others. — Evan Esar

Many a girl who can't dance well makes up for it during intermission. — Evan Esar

A bright eye indicates curiosity; a black eye, too much. — Evan Esar

The only way to cure an egotist from bragging is by surgery
amputation at the neck. — Evan Esar

Formerly when a man worked ten hours a day, it was called economic slavery; nowadays it is called moonlighting. — Evan Esar

Some men take good care of a car; others treat it like one of the family. — Evan Esar

In a democracy, you believe it or not; in a dictatorship, you believe it or else. — Evan Esar

A good loser is all right, but it isn't so much fun to beat him. — Evan Esar

Man is the control experiment of heredity and environment; and since his heredity controls him, he tries to control his environment. — Evan Esar

Some people blow their top, but all people blow their bottom. — Evan Esar

Zoo: An excellent lace to study the habits of human beings — Evan Esar

Somebody is always doing something that somebody else said couldn't be done. — Evan Esar

The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening. — Evan Esar

A word to the wise is
unnecessary. — Evan Esar

The chief ability of an executive should be his ability to recognize ability. — Evan Esar

Women diet to retain their girlish figures or their boyish husbands. — Evan Esar

A smart mother suggests that her child bring an apple to his teacher; a smarter mother suggests that he bring a couple of aspirins. — Evan Esar

The disadvantage of becoming wise is that you realize how foolish you've been. — Evan Esar

A bacteriologist is a man whose conversation always start with the germ of an idea. — Evan Esar

Divorce is the price people play for playing with matches. — Evan Esar

Congress would give the people what they wanted if the people knew what they wanted, and if Congress could give it to them. — Evan Esar

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week. — Evan Esar

A husband may forget where he went on his honeymoon, but he never forgets why. — Evan Esar

Egocentricity: The vanity that makes you wonder what people are thinking about you when they are really wondering what you are thinking about them. — Evan Esar

The little boy who goes to the store and forgets what his mother sent him for, will probably grow up to be a congressman. — Evan Esar

Many a man who falls in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl. — Evan Esar

Let those who want to, arrive
Let those who want to, leave
Let those who want to, stay
With out harm to me or mine — Evan Esar

Reactionary: One who wants the rules enforced so nobody can take his pile away from him the way he got it from others. — Evan Esar