Eoin Quotes & Sayings

As a child, Zaphod had been diagnosed with ADHDDAAADHD (ntm) ABT which stood for Always Dreaming His Dopey Days Away, Also Attention Deficit Hyperflactulance Disorder (not to mention) A Bit Thick. — Eoin Colfer

Butler snapped his fingers. "Focus, Artemis! Time enough for your Atlantis Complex later. We have the Atlantis Trench outside that door and six miles of water above it. If you want to stay alive, you need to stay alert." He turned to Holly. "This is ridiculous. I'm pulling the plug."
Holly's mouth was a tight line as she shook her head. "Navy rules, Butler. You're on my boat, you follow my orders."
"As I remember, I brought the boat."
"Yes, thanks for bringing my boat. — Eoin Colfer

You know, Miss Holly, you look very dramatic like that, backlit by the fire. Very attractive, if I may say so. I know you shared a moment passionne with Artemis which he subsequently fouled up with his typical boorish behavior. Let me just throw something out there for you to consider while we're chasing the probe: I share Artemis's passion but not his boorishness. No pressure; just think about it.
This was enough to elicit a deafening moment of silence even in the middle of a crisis, which Orion seemed to be blissfully unaffected by. — Eoin Colfer

The gremlin mob turned on Root, and when they saw the triple-barreled blaster on his hip, they kept right on turning. Root grabbed the microphone from behind the desk, and hauled it out to the extent of its cable. "Now hear this," he growled, his gravelly tones echoing around the terminal. "This is Commander Root of the LEP. We have a serious situation above ground, and I would appreciate cooperation from all you civilians. First, I would like you all to stop your yapping so I can hear myself think!" Root paused to make certain his wishes were being respected. They were. "Secondly, I would like every single one of you, including those squawling infants, to sit down on the courtesy benches until I have gone on my way. Then you can get back to griping or stuffing your faces. Or whatever else it is civilians do." No one had ever accused Root of political correctness. No one was ever likely to either. — Eoin Colfer

When the moment comes, will you take your chance to be a hero? — Eoin Colfer

Artemis simple-toon — Eoin Colfer

Trust me. I haven't been wrong yet. — Eoin Colfer

This is the only way. I will not allow humans or fairies to die when I might have prevented it." Butler would not give up. "Listen to yourself. You sound like a ... like a good guy! There's nothing in this for you. — Eoin Colfer

This might hurt a little is universal code for this will definitely hurt a lot — Eoin Colfer

I feel like Alice falling into Wonderland.
A line came to him: It would be so nice if something made sense for a change. — Eoin Colfer

Ignorance, as they say, is usually fatal, but sometimes it can be bliss. — Eoin Colfer

Artemis: "Right, brothers. Onward. Imagine yourself seated at a cafe in Montmartre."
Myles: "In Paris."
Artemis: "Yes, Paris. And try as you will, you cannot attract the waiter's attention. What do you do?"
Beckett: "Umm ... tell Butler to jump-jump-jump on his head?"
Myles: "I agree with simple-toon."
Artemis: "No! You simply raise one finger and say clearly 'ici, garcon.'"
Beckett: "Itchy what? — Eoin Colfer

To be injured on this tundra would lead to a quick and painful death - or at the very least abject humiliation before the popping flashes of the tourist season's tail end, which was slightly less painful than a painful death, but lasted longer. — Eoin Colfer

Look!" said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, "Someone who cares! — Eoin Colfer

He was the point dog, sent in to check for hostiles. His orders were simple. Bite everything. If it screamed, it was hostile. — Eoin Colfer

I do remember, Holly. I remember it all. Especially you. It's a real comfort to have you here. — Eoin Colfer

The sun was already long past the spire when Garrick purchased a mug of coffee from his regular man on the tip of Oxford Street. But his palate had been educated by 21st century coffee, and he judged this mug as bilge water not fit for the Irish. — Eoin Colfer

Now I can do the bolts," she slurred. "I've been trying to focus enough magic all week."
The magic shifted and swirled, finally etching a picture in the air. It was a rough picture of Foaly, and he was laughing.
I hate you, centaur!" screamed Opal, lunging toward, and then through, the insubstantial image. Her eyes rolled back into her head, and then she collapsed, snoring, on the floor.
Artemis straightened his tie.
Freud, he was certain, would have a field day with that. — Eoin Colfer

It was no time for mercy, it was time to terminate with extreme prejudice. — Eoin Colfer

...Hardly. A ragged apron does not a waiter make. — Eoin Colfer

Do I look like a mainstream girl?" She always marched to the beat of her own drum. (Angie)
He traced the short strands along her hairline. "You look beautiful." (Eoin) — Annie Nicholas

These headsets could pick up a spider scratching in Madagascar." "And is there a spider scratching in Madagascar?" "Well ... I don't know. They can't really - — Eoin Colfer

Certain battles were won by retreating. — Eoin Colfer

Scientists are the enemies of tradition , and tradition own all the prisons. - Victor Vigny — Eoin Colfer

People like me, LB, the truly great ones ... we are always alone. — Eoin Colfer

You know you're in trouble when your own imagination starts punishing you. — Eoin Colfer

There were only two men on the planet better educated in the various martial arts than Butler, and he was related to one of them. The other lived on an island in the South China Sea, and spent his days meditating and beating up palm trees. You had to feel sorry for the B'wa Kell. — Eoin Colfer

The thought of revenge always gave her a warm fuzzy feeling. — Eoin Colfer

A fifeteen-year old, of to save the world, with faries. - Angeline Fowl — Eoin Colfer

Are you an angel or a devil, sir? I need to know. Are you taking me up or down? — Eoin Colfer

Artemis remembered a few lines from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland: "But I don't want to go among mad people," said Alice. "Oh, you can't help that," said the cat. "We're all mad here. — Eoin Colfer

There will be consequences for this, he thought. You can't alter time and not be affected. But whatever the consequences are, I will bear them, because the alternative is too terrible. -Artemis Fowl, The Lost Colony — Eoin Colfer

Tonight, history was going to be made. And it wasn't the discovery-of-radium, first-man-on-the-moon happy kind of history. It was the Spanish-Inquisition, here-comes-the-Hindenburg bad kind of history. — Eoin Colfer

Waitress: "And to drink?"
Artemis: "Spring water. Irish, if you have it. And no ice, please. As your ice is no doubt made from tap water, which rather defeats the purpose of spring water. — Eoin Colfer

I am not qualified to deal with this. Why does everyone I meet seem to have mental problems?
Ah ... but did they have mental problems before meeting you? Who's the common denominator here, Dan?
I do not have mental problems! I say to the voice in my head, perfectly aware how damning it would sound were I to say it aloud. — Eoin Colfer

Now before we get into anything, ladies, no scratching, no spitting and no tattling to mummy. — Eoin Colfer

That's the last order I'll ever give you Captain. Don't you dare ignore it. — Eoin Colfer

This is working out pretty well, all things considered. My giddy side wants to giggle, but I choke it down. Later for the girlishness. — Eoin Colfer

The Hitchhiker's Guide is a hundred percent accurate. Reality, however, is not as reliable. — Eoin Colfer

I can grow cameras!" she had shrieked at the Brill brothers during one briefing. "Who's to say that despicable centaur Foaly hasn't succeded in splicing surveillance equiptment to plants? So get rid of all the flowers. Rocks, too. I don't trust them. Sullen little blebers. — Eoin Colfer

Today he became a killer, or else a corpse. — Eoin Colfer

And one more thing. About my name - Artemis - you were right. In London, it is generally a female name, after the Greek goddess of archery. But every now and then a male comes along with such a talent for hunting that he earns the right to use the name. I am that male. Artemis the hunter. I hunted you. — Eoin Colfer

The thing about reading is that if you are hooked, you're not going to stop just because one series is over; you're going to go and find something else. — Eoin Colfer

Nobody ever got rich by wearing a heart on their sleeve, unless it was someone else's heart. — Eoin Colfer

Butler," he called, his voice thin and childlike in the wind.
"Yes, Artemis, what?"
"If something goes wrong, wait for me. No matter how it looks, I will return. I will bring them all back. — Eoin Colfer

And I will not be beaten by that jackass."
"Jackass?" said Foaly, wounded. "My favorite uncle is a jackass. — Eoin Colfer

As the clinic's janitors, it had been a simple matter for Merv and Scant to plant the acid balloons the previous evening. Of — Eoin Colfer

Artemis: I am not buoyed by that.
Foaly: You are not supposed to be buoyed by that. You are supposed to be equalized.
Mulch: I'm pretty sure that both of you just made really horrible jokes. But I'm not sure because I think you broke my funny bone. — Eoin Colfer

Commander: What's that?
Foaly: It's a finger, what does look like? — Eoin Colfer

Of course. Opal is toying with our emotions for her own gratification. Nothing more. She wishes to place herself in a position of power, emotionally. — Eoin Colfer

In spite of what youngsters think, parents do not get a sneaky thrill out of punishing their children. — Eoin Colfer

Artemis: Holly, how did you find me?
Holly: Oh, I saw a huge explosion and wondered: now, who could that be? — Eoin Colfer

HOLLY: Are you suggesting I occasionally stray from the rule book?
FOALY: No. I'm suggesting you do not own a copy of the rule book, and if you do, you have certainly never opened it. — Eoin Colfer

Thankfully the rest of the world assumed that the Irish were crazy, a theory that the Irish themselves did nothing to debunk. They had somehow got it into their heads that each fairy lugged around a pot of gold with him wherever he went. While it was true that LEP had a ransom fund, because of its officers' high-risk occupation, no human had ever taken a chunk of it yet. This didn't stop the Irish population in general from skulking around rainbows, hoping to win the supernatural lottery. — Eoin Colfer

Hit that back-stabber where it hurts, right in the ambition. — Eoin Colfer

It'll be messy, but after a day you'll be zipping around as though you were a thousand years old again. — Eoin Colfer

Victor Vigny: It is like the old fairy tale. The boy saves the princess; they fall in love. He invents a flying machine - along with his dashing teacher, of course. They get married and name thier firstborn after the aforementioned dashing teacher.
Conor: I don't recall that fairy tale from the nursery.
Victor Vigny: Trust me, It's a classic. — Eoin Colfer

Evolution is a theory with more holes than a Dutch dam of swiss cheese. — Eoin Colfer

Sig Sauer. Nine millimetres. Thirteen in the magazine. Big bullets. One of these hits you and it could blow your head off; something even the magic can't fix. Other than that you should be all right, presuming you remembered to wear the regulation above-ground micro-fibre jumpsuit recently patented by me. Then again, being a Recon jock, you probably didn't. — Eoin Colfer

We lost the crickets," she said. "Even you can't make that sound tough."
... "I am Butler," he said with a straight-face. "Everything I say sounds tough. Now, get out of the lake, fairy. — Eoin Colfer

I did what all good Iriah dads do when faced with a worthy adversary..I said Ask your mother!! — Eoin Colfer

If it looks like a Dwarf, and it smells like a Dwarf, then it's probably a Dwarf or a latrine wearing dungerees. — Eoin Colfer

So, what did you get for me?"
Angeline paused for a beat. "Jeans."
"What?" croaked Artemis.
"And a T-shirt. — Eoin Colfer

Hey, bodyguard. You better get down to the gymnasium. This jumbo pixie guy is killing your sister." "Really?" said Butler, unconvinced. "Really. Juliet just does not seem to be herself. She can't put two moves together. It's pathetic, really. Everybody is betting against her." "I see," said Butler, straightening. Mulch held the door. "It's going to make things really interesting when you show up to help." Butler grinned. "I'm not coming to help. I just want to be there when she stops faking." "Ah," said Mulch, comprehension dawning on his face. "So I should switch my bet to Juliet?" "You certainly should" said Butler. — Eoin Colfer

Remember the pain?' thought Artemis. I hate myself. I really do. — Eoin Colfer

Card five hundred and thirty-four," repeated Artemis. "Of a series of six hundred standard inkblot cards. I memorized them during our sessions. You don't even shuffle."
Argon checked the number on the back of the card: 534. Of course. "Knowing the number doesn't answer the question. What do you see?"
Artemis allowed his lip to wobble. "I see an ax dripping with blood. Also a scared child, and an elf clothed in the skin of a troll."
"Really?" Argon was interested now.
"No. Not really. I see a secure building, perhaps a family home, with four windows. A trustworthy pet, and a pathway leading from the door into the distance. I think, if you check your manual, you will find that these answers fall inside healthy parameters."
Argon did not need to check. The Mud Boy was right, as usual. — Eoin Colfer

It's like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget. — Eoin Colfer

A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old. — Eoin Colfer

Orion sniffed. "Good. Then, worthy centaur, perhaps you could give me a ride to the village on your way back. Then I can make a few pennies wth my verses while you build us a shack and perform circus tricks for passersby."
This was such a surprising statement that Foaly briefly considered jumping into the hole to get away. — Eoin Colfer

Careful with that," said the Doctor. "No need to get carried away."

Aldridge spun the scalpel like a baton. "Yessir. Careful is my middle name. Actually Clumsy is my middle name, but that doesn't encourage clients and it makes me sound like one of those dwarfs that are going to be so popular when moving pictures a get going. — Eoin Colfer

Anybody see you come in here?"
Holly thought about it.
"The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, M16. Oh, and the EIB."
Foaly frowned. "EIB?"
"Everyone in the building. — Eoin Colfer

I'm LEP. A captain. No rent-a-cop gnome is going to stand in the way of my orders. — Eoin Colfer

Chief of security : They have a tank! How did they get a tank up here? — Eoin Colfer

Orion:"Oh, how I pray that dragon will turn 'round so that I may smite it."
Foaly: "Smite it with what? Your secret birthmark?"
Orion: "Don't you mock my birthmark, which I may or may not have. — Eoin Colfer

The next minute or so was spent howling on the ceiling . Imp No.1 joined in, but he wasn't really feeling it. It shouldn't be "Who do we hate?", he thought, it really should be "whom", but this probably wasn't a good time to bring that up. — Eoin Colfer

That was horrible. Horrible. That poor little guy."
Pex was unrepentant. "Yeah, well, he asked for it. Calling us ... all those things."
But
buried alive! That's like in that horror movie. Y'know
the one with all the horror."
I think I saw that one. With all the words going up on the screen at the end?"
Yeah, that was it. Tell you the truth, those words kinda ruined it for me. — Eoin Colfer

He knew that Dr. Argon would advise him against bottling up his emotions as it would lead to psychological scarring in the long term. — Eoin Colfer

It felt like my teeth were sweating. Eoin Colfer's The Legend of Spud Murphy — Eoin Colfer

No, I don't think you understand just how stupid goblins are. Let me give you an example. One of the B'wa Kell generals, and this is their top fairy, was caught caught trying to pass off forged credit slips by signing his own name. — Eoin Colfer

What many people don't know about 'Peter Pan' is that it's a very violent book and Hook is one of the most finely observed villains ever. — Eoin Colfer

Ah, yes, the trusty time paradox. If I go back in time and kill my grandfather, then shall I cease to exist? I believe, as Gorben and Berndt did, that any repercussions are already being felt. We can only change the future, not the past or present. If I go back, then I have already been back.
- Artemis Fowl — Eoin Colfer

A pity to survive night flights over St. Georges Channel only to crack my skull falling from a ladder. — Eoin Colfer

Artemis grabbed her shoulders, for once abandoning his shell of icy composure. "Holly, Holly, speak to me. Your finger is it okay?"
Holly wiggled her fingers, then curled them into a fist.
"I think so," she said, and whacked Artemis right between the eyes. The surprised boy landed in a snowdrift for the third time that day.
Holly winked at an amazed butler.
"Now we're even," she said.
Commander Root didn't have many treasured memories. But in future days, when things were at their grimmest, he would conjure up this moment and have a quiet chuckle. — Eoin Colfer

Artemis looked at Holly and felt a tremendous affection for her ... he could properly appreciate how fierce and beautiful his best friend was ...
She is truly magical, thought Artemis. Perhaps her qualities are more obvious to me now that I have decided to sacrifice myself. — Eoin Colfer

How does she know it's the right room?' wondered Descant.
Oh, I don't know; mabye it's the magical red glow coming from the doorway, or perhaps it's the deafening howl of the temporal winds.' said Mervall.
Descant nodded.'You could be right, brother. And don't think I don't know sarcasm when I hear it. — Eoin Colfer

Onscreen, Foaly rubbed his eyelids with his index fingers.
Yeah, yeah. Here we go. Captain Short goes rogue once more. Hands up who's surprised. Anyone? — Eoin Colfer

I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. — Eoin Colfer

If we make it through this, we will be friends. Bonded by trauma. — Eoin Colfer

You don't understand!' Foaly objected.
Trouble cut him off with a chop of his hand through the air. 'I never understand. That's why we pay you and your dork posse.
Foaly objected again. 'They are not dorks!'
Trouble found space for yet another holster. 'Really? That guy brings a Beanie Baby to work every day. And your nephew, Mayne, speaks fluent Unicorn.'
'They're not all dorks,' said Foaly, correcting himself. — Eoin Colfer

All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket. — Eoin Colfer

I am older and have more control over my empathy,' said Qwan. 'That's why I didn't throw up.' And having said that, he threw up. — Eoin Colfer

And it's amazing how much noise people ignoring each other can make. — Eoin Colfer

Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know. — Eoin Colfer

Gold is power-artemis fowl I liked the artemis fowl series because its about a boy genius — Eoin Colfer

I'm right there with you, darlin'. Unless you step on a landmine, in which case I'm way back in the Operations Room. — Eoin Colfer

No alcohol, Riley." She nodded at the screen. "How are you liking the twenty-first century?"
Riley burped. "The Take That are most melodic. And God bless Harry Potter is all I can say. If not for him, all of London would have been consumed by the dark arts. — Eoin Colfer

Mona was half ninja, half gunslinger, popping off charge after charge into the blue creatures. — Eoin Colfer

I have no time for babbling foolishness."
"Don't be so hasty," said Victor. "There's always time for babbling. — Eoin Colfer

Holly frowned at her. "Glad to see you've forgiven yourself so quickly."
"Harboring feelings of guilt can have a negative affect on mental health."
"Child geniuses," growled Holly.
"Genii," said Minerva. — Eoin Colfer

Foaly twitched his tail contentedly. Genius. No point in being humble about it. — Eoin Colfer