Engvall Bill Quotes & Sayings

It's funny: people who meet me say, 'I thought you'd be different.' But I'm still the same guy. — Bill Engvall

I don't have big time celebrity friends - I'm just a guy. — Bill Engvall

When 'Blue Collar TV' was on the 'WB,' we were their second-highest rated show, but they didn't know what to do with us. They had 'Reba,' which was number one, and we were number two, and they didn't want to be known as the hayseed network, so they kind of dropped us, even though we were pulling great numbers. — Bill Engvall

I dream of acting with Kevin Costner. I would love to do a movie with him. Not something funny, but a dramatic role. — Bill Engvall

Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person. — Bill Engvall

I've never said I was the best dancer, and I never said I was a good dancer. — Bill Engvall

I like to hang on to cars. I'm not one of these guys that goes flipping cars all the time. If I find a car I like, I stick with it. — Bill Engvall

So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me. — Bill Engvall

I hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that just say, 'I'm stupid.' — Bill Engvall

Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign. — Bill Engvall

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute. — Bill Engvall

I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake. — Bill Engvall

My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says It looks and tastes like real bacon! No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like! — Bill Engvall

I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down. — Bill Engvall

I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree. — Bill Engvall

I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.' — Bill Engvall

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison. — Bill Engvall

I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny. — Bill Engvall

I was doing a bit that stupid people should be slapped. But the more I did it, the more I didn't like that connotation, the violence and all that. The more I thought about it, I thought they should just wear signs. And, man, it just took off. — Bill Engvall

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign. — Bill Engvall

If you lived next door to me and didn't know what I did, you wouldn't know I was a celebrity. I don't have that lifestyle, nor do I want that lifestyle. I want to know that I can have a separate life with my wife and my kids and just be normal and go camping and fishing and outdoor stuff. — Bill Engvall

You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day. — Bill Engvall

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered? — Bill Engvall

I think my wife puts up with me 'cause I try. I think that's all any guy can do is just try. That's right! 'Cause we ain't never gunna get it. 'Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It's like this memo goes out, 'they're getting close, change it, change it!' — Bill Engvall

When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door? — Bill Engvall

I haven't been really nervous about a gig in a long time. — Bill Engvall

My goal is for 'The Bill Engvall Show' to be a show the networks look at and say, 'Ooh, maybe we should get back to the family sitcom.' — Bill Engvall

As my wife says, I'll never fully retire, but it'll start to slow down. I'll continue to do the local gigs or go to Las Vegas. But I won't be going out to Ohio to play an Indian casino anymore. Those will probably go by the wayside. — Bill Engvall

I love to laugh, and laughter is one of my favorite things. When you have a really good laugh, you feel great afterwards. — Bill Engvall

I have fun on stage, so people think maybe they should, too. — Bill Engvall

If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up! — Bill Engvall

I always wanted to be an actor. I always wanted to be John Wayne. — Bill Engvall

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties ... welcome to my world. — Bill Engvall

Just when I think the human race has been lost to the what about me people. I see the best we have to offer helping others. — Bill Engvall

I used to hunt and fish. — Bill Engvall

In syndication, the biggest buyers are car dealerships. — Bill Engvall

I've really got no complaints. — Bill Engvall

'The Bill Engvall Show' is a comedy about a middle-class family in the Midwest. It's a great family show to watch if you want to laugh and unwind. — Nancy Travis

I love playing the bitter guy. — Bill Engvall

America loves to watch people growing and getting better. — Bill Engvall

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, Got stuck, huh? The truck driver says, No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas. — Bill Engvall

As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!" — Bill Engvall

I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies. — Bill Engvall

I don't do politics, I don't do religion, I don't do ethnic jokes. — Bill Engvall

Jay Leno told me once, 'Don't do jokes about things you don't know about.' — Bill Engvall

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign. — Bill Engvall

Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket. — Bill Engvall

I've learned in my older age that sexy gets you further than brains. — Bill Engvall

I love stand up, but every year, the road takes a little more out of you. — Bill Engvall

I'm here to kill the deer, She wants to take it shoppin. — Bill Engvall

My favorite road trip ever is when my wife and I took an RV around the country. We just had the best time. — Bill Engvall

I don't pick on people. — Bill Engvall

He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going "there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot." — Bill Engvall

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads. — Bill Engvall

I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up ... " WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right dude, you're up." — Bill Engvall

I eat fish, chicken, vegetables and other healthier foods. I do love a great steak. — Bill Engvall

You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter! — Bill Engvall

And isn't that weird? Think about this, when you're born, you nurse on your mama. And then you get a little older, you go to applesauce. And then you see these toddlers walking around with these Ziploc baggies full of Cheerios. Then you get to be my age, and the doctor wants you to start eating Cheerios to watch your cholesterol. Then you lose your teeth, you go to applesauce. I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello. — Bill Engvall

To be honest with you, I still eat whatever I want. It's all about portion control. I still love pizza, but instead of eating half, I eat a slice. — Bill Engvall

Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list. — Bill Engvall

To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop. — Bill Engvall

I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that. — Bill Engvall

You know as well as I do that the family sitcom was the stalwart of TV for God knows how many decades. — Bill Engvall

Now people live into their 90s and beyond. As long as I have quality of life, I'm good. — Bill Engvall

I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south. — Bill Engvall

People all over are finding themselves in jobs they never thought they'd be in. — Bill Engvall

Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges. — Bill Engvall

I told my wife I'm afraid to go back to the doctor because I'm afraid they're going to look at you and say: 'ma'am, just sell him for parts. It's like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it. — Bill Engvall

I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos. — Bill Engvall

Europe has such an expansive history. — Bill Engvall

No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum. — Bill Engvall

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men — Bill Engvall

I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me you think he's been hunting? Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here's your sign! — Bill Engvall

I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well ... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it! — Bill Engvall

I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life ... God ... I would be drunk with power. — Bill Engvall

There's a reason God didn't give me this success in my 20s, because I'd have blown it. — Bill Engvall

My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that ... discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was ... gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!" — Bill Engvall

When I drove up on the set one day, and they'd put up a sign that says 'The Bill Engvall Show,' I stood there for 20 minutes just staring at it. The director, James Widdoes, came up and said, 'What are you doing?' And I said, 'Look at this! There's my name on a stage door in Hollywood!' — Bill Engvall

I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid. — Bill Engvall

I'm a blue collar guy. — Bill Engvall

I come from a time when people like Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby told stories that were devastatingly funny without being off-color. — Bill Engvall

I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.' — Bill Engvall

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good ... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you. Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it. — Bill Engvall

And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim! — Bill Engvall

The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you. — Bill Engvall

I learned that you don't take dishes from the table to the dishwasher; you have to rinse them first. I think that's stupid because I don't go out in the back yard and hose off before taking a shower. — Bill Engvall

I think you can ban guns if you can just pull the trigger and 60 bullets fire out. — Bill Engvall

I'm from Texas. You would think my biggest draw would be in that state. But my biggest draw is Pennsylvania. — Bill Engvall

This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left. — Bill Engvall

God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work. — Bill Engvall

I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked. I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn't help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here's your sign! — Bill Engvall

A lot of times you go to a concert, and when you leave, you don't know anything more about the act then when you got there. — Bill Engvall

I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I'm superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here's your sign! — Bill Engvall

You can't climb a tile wall. — Bill Engvall

Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome. — Bill Engvall

I'm a big animal fanatic. — Bill Engvall

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign. — Bill Engvall

No sooner my kids leave their friends than they start texting them. And it's all in code in a language I totally don't understand. — Bill Engvall

A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums. — Bill Engvall

If you watch the 'Blue Collar Tour,' I was probably the least redneck of everybody. — Bill Engvall