Drinking Humor Quotes & Sayings

If we'd done this my way,' Garrett went on, 'We'd have been here much earlier.'
'And drunk, most likely,' said Maiev.
'You say "drunk," I say "happy",' Garrett shrugged. — Grant Smuts

And in my mind, this settles the issue. I would never drink cologne, and am therefore not an alcoholic. — Augusten Burroughs

Sweat, scalded meat, puke, blood, smoke and a dozen kinds of bad ale and wine: the bouquet of civilized nightlife — Scott Lynch

To alcohol! The cause of ... and solution to ... all of life's problems — Matt Groening

It's super cloudy right now but I think I can see the northern lights from my room. Another observation: Every light is a strobe light, if you just blink fast enough, and drink enough vodka.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz — Karen Quan

He wanted one drink, and understood precisely why he wasn't going to have one. One drink ended up arriving in a dozen glasses. — Terry Pratchett

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home. — Chelsea Handler

This book has the best quote describing the feeling of getting drunk. "I was starting to get drunk now, and I was clinging with my fingertips to the last vestige of decorum. Soon, however, I knew there would come that moment when, without anyone's bidding, I would slip through a crack in the floorboards and find myself rowing across the River Styx with my demon entourage, and not until morning would I fully be able to assess the consequences". Perfect. — Rex Pickett

Let's just say that once the party was over, the Tribe had the decency to put most of the things back into place with the possible, and otherwise notable, exception of the platypus and a moronic drinking game that later evolved into the imperial measurement system. — Sorin Suciu

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name
and you've never been to that bar before. — Zach Galifianakis

I guess I forgot we were going out tonight."
"We always go out on Fridays."
"It's Thursday, Alvis."
"You are so tied to routine. — Jess Walter

Life isn't about drinking cool aide. Sometimes you have to take the castor oil too. — Jennifer Donohoe

Warning: Contains old friends, old enemies, a dramatic cat rescue, soft drink references and a lot of teasing before the steamy sex. Readers are cautioned against drinking any beverage while reading to avoid accidental snorting or spraying of said beverages. — K.A. Mitchell

But had I accepted the pickle juice, I would be drinking pickle juice right now. — Nicki Minaj

You know you're officially an adult when you finally understand WHY Miss Hannigan was drinking bath water. — Christy Hall

New Rule: The Napa Valley is Disneyland for alcoholics. Be honest, you're not visiting wineries in four days because you're an oenophile, you're doing it because you're a drunk. It's the only place in America where you can pass out in a stranger's house and it's okay, because it's a B&B and you paid for it. — Bill Maher

While Owen and Miles talk sports, I people watch. And this is what I see: teenagers trying to act like adults. Or how they think adults act. But mostly they look ridiculous, and I wonder what they don't want to do something that's more fun than drinking, smoking, flirting, and making out. Why are those activities considered to be fun? — Melody Carlson

She was thinking of doing a little Cuervo therapy. — Kelly Moran

Oh" She seems relieved. "So you weren't - "
"Don't worry, Ms.Grey. I wasn't drinking, smoking, toking or snorting in school. I keep the recreational drug use at home where it belongs. — Courtney Summers

Apparently these new rulers of the world did not indulge in any drinking or smoking to soften their moods when they met, which Menelaus knew to be a big mistake. The Congress of the United States, back before the Disunion, always met sober, and look at what had come of that. — John C. Wright

Professor Lyall looked modestly proud. "I am considered a bit of an expert on the procreative practices of Ovis orientalis aries."
"Sheep?"
"Sheep."
"Sheep!" Madame Lefoux's voice came over suddenly high, as though she were suppressing an inclination to giggle.
"Yes, as in baaaa." Professor Lyall frowned. Sheep were a serious business, and he failed to see the source of Madame Lefoux's amusement.
"Let me understand this correctly. You are a werewolf with a keen interest in sheep breeding?" A little bit of French accent trickled into Madame Lefoux's speech in her glee.
Professor Lyall continued bravely on, ignoring her flippancy. "I preserve the nonviable embryo in formaldehyde for future study. Lord Maccon has been drinking my samples. When confronted, he admitted to enjoying both the refreshing beverage and the 'crunchy picked snack' as well. I was not pleased. — Gail Carriger

Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk. — Eugene Mirman

Willy, one of the guys at the distillery, comes up with what Oliver and I agree is the best definition of what a 'dram' actually is: 'A measure of whisky that is pleasing to both guest and host. — Iain Banks

I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant ... if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption? — Chelsea Handler

Don't be drinking the Haterade. — Holly Black

The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy also mentions alcohol. It says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick. — Douglas Adams

I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host. — Dorothy Parker

Walking back across the St-Esprit bridge, to the ghetto I'd instinctively gravitated toward, I mentally erected a more appropriate statue on the square. It would depict an unknown Sephardic Jew, kneeling over a stone tripod covered with crushed cacao beans destined for a cup of chocolate for one of the gentiles of Bayonne.
It would be a symbolic piece, executed in smooth, chocolate-hued marble, and dedicated to all the other forgotten heroes--coffee-drinking Sufi dervishes, peyote-eating Native Americans, Mexican hemp-smokers--who, throughout history, have faced the wrath of all the sultans, drug czars, and Vatican clerics who have resorted to any spurious pretext to squelch one of the most venerable and misunderstood of human drives: the desire to escape, however briefly, everyday consciousness. — Taras Grescoe

Blood is really warm,
it's like drinking hot chocolate
but with more screaming. — Ryan Mecum

Drinking is fun! It makes me feel horrible and sexy! — Warren Ellis

I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep. — George Best

The past twelve weeks had been a blur, and now she was about to meet her baby via ultrasound, go home with a picture of an alien baby that people would pretend was beautiful, and here she sat after drinking a liter of fluid, her panties moist from a bladder that gave up control right around the time her shoes stopped fitting. A light breeze could make her pee at this point. A sneeze would unleash a tsunami. — Julia Kent

Do you even know what hammerd means?" I asked.
"Something to do with drinking your American beer out of a hole in the side of a can?"
Dave reached over and slapped him on the shin. "Close enough. — Jennifer Rardin

No, I went to the bar to ask for a mojito and that guy Johnny said he didn't make mojitos. Then he offered to make me a mint julep, in one of those silver cups and everything."
"Did you know say the true cause of the Civil War was some Northerner adding nutmeg to a mint julep?" Lucy asked. — Mary Jane Hathaway

It's 4:58 on Friday afternoon. Do you know where your margarita is? — Amy Neftzger

When reality and your dreams collide, typically it's just your alarm clock going off. — Crystal Woods

What are you doing, Avery?"
I held up my bottle. "Drinking. What are you doing?"
His icy blue eyes narrowed. "That's not what I'm getting at and you know that. What are you doing?"
Damn. Hello attitude. I tried to give Cam the bitch look Steph had mastered, screwing my face up until I'm sure I looked like I was having a seizure. I sighed and gave up. — J. Lynn

Were I to prescribe a rule for drinking, it should be formed upon a saying quoted by Sir William Temple: the first glass for myself, the second for my friends, the third for good humor, and the fourth for mine enemies. — Joseph Addison

Johnny was one for taking notions. He'd take a notion that life was too much for him and start drinking heavier to forget it. — Betty Smith

Kid, I've only known you two days and I've seen you plastered three times." He shook his head. "A bar would not be a good career move for you. — Jennifer Crusie

"Do you have any money?" he asked.
"What?"
He rubbed his fingers together. "Dinero? Cash? Do you have any on you?"
Unsure where this was headed, I shook my head. He reached over the counter and grabbed a knife. He cut the burger in half and slid the plate between us. "Here. Don't bogart the fries."
"Are you serious?"
Noah took another bite of his half. "Yeah. Don't want my tutor to starve to death."
I smacked my lips like a cartoon character and bit into the succulent burger. When the juicy meat touched my tongue, I closed my eyes and moaned.
"I thought girls only looked like that when they orgasmed."
The burger caught in my throat and I choked. Noah stifled a laugh while sliding my water toward me. If only drinking it would erase the annoying blush on my cheeks. — Katie McGarry

These days he smoked and drank largely to solace himself for what drinking and smoking had done to him, so he drank and smoked a lot. He experimented, furthermore, with pretty well any other drug he could get his hands on, — Martin Amis

Tea? Good God, no. It's mud. How the British ever built an empire drinking the filthy stuff is beyond me. And if we carry on drinking it, I've no doubt that the empire won't last much longer. No, a civilized person drinks coffee. — Charlie Higson

Free drinks have no carbs. — Nicki Elson

Really, I want you to finish this book feeling like we could become friends, if the timing was right. That's it. Oh, and by the way, you should drink while you're reading this book. If you want to play a drinking game, I suggest you take a shot when you feel like I am abusing commas. — Alida Nugent

Guests stay where you've put them, and carry on doing whatever you suggested they do, until you suggest they stop and do something else. If you leave them drinking a cup of tea and looking through your holiday slides, they're supposed to sit tight till you ask them to come string and beans in your kitchen. — Anne Fine

Detective Virgil and Barlow [bomb-technician] arranged to meet at the Starbucks. Virgil got a grande hot chocolate, no-fat milk, no foam, no whipped cream, and Barlow got a venti latte with an extra shot. As they took a corner table, Virgil said, "Remind me not to stand next to you if you're handling a bomb. That much caffeine, you gotta be shakin' like a hundred-dollar belly dancer."
"At least I'm not drinking like a little girl," Barlow said. — John Sandford

You never know what the vodka will bring," I laughed.
"Oh, like the time you caught my hair on fire at the candlelight party in Mel's basement! That was the craziest thing that I ever had happen to me. If you hadn't switched to water, I would have been bald!"
-Cora, Nessa — Andrea Heltsley

I also drink Scotch. But I'm not picky. I'll take the victory Scotch, or the Scotch of defeat. Or the rotgut swill. — Rob Thomas

Husbands, too,
bore the loss of their wives with the most heroic calmness. Wives,
again, put on weeds for their husbands, as if, so far from grieving
in the garb of sorrow, they had made up their minds to render it as
becoming and attractive as possible. It was observable, too, that
ladies and gentlemen who were in passions of anguish during the
ceremony of interment, recovered almost as soon as they reached
home, and became quite composed before the tea-drinking was over. — Charles Dickens

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. — W.C. Fields

It became sort of a snowball effect, with guys trying to deal in their own way with 9/11, whether it was drinking or whatever, — Denis Leary

I've never understood people who just go out for one drink. Once I have one drink, I want all the drinks. — Vicki Lesage

There's something to be said about drinking a carafe of wine by yourself ... I just can't remember at the moment what it is! (said after drinking a carafe of wine by himself) — Gerard De Marigny

Therapies administered included but were not limited to: turning things off, then on again; picking them up a couple of inches and then dropping them; turning off nonessential appliances in this and other rooms; removing lids and wiggling circuit boards; extracting small contaminants, such as insects and their egg cases, with nonconducting chopsticks; cable-wiggling; incense-burning; putting folded-up pieces of paper beneath table legs; drinking tea and sulking; invoking unseen powers; sending runners to other rooms, buildings, or precincts with exquisitely calligraphed notes and waiting for them to come back carrying spare parts in dusty, yellowed cardboard boxes; and a similarly diverse suite of troubleshooting techniques in the realm of software. — Neal Stephenson

I'd often slip and fall on the ice after last call, which explained the ever-present welts. If I were with a woman, I'd usually execute a precautionary vomit in the men's room in an effort avoid any ugly incidents once I got her back to her place. And they say chivalry is dead. — Dan Dunn

More wine," Lightsong said, raising his cup.
"You can't get drunk, Your Grace," Llarimar noted. "Your body is immune to all toxins."
"I know," Lightsong said as a lesser servant filled his cup. "But trust me - I'm quite good at pretending. — Brandon Sanderson

D'Artagnan: Why is Athos sitting by himself?
Aramis: He takes his drinking very seriously. Not to worry, he'll be his usual charming self by morning. — Alexandre Dumas

She sipped the tonic. Her face puckered again. She gagged, covered her mouth and mumbled in disgust, "Oh my God!"
"I said it tasted better, not great."
Abby continued to force the sour tonic down in sips. She could taste a hint of vanilla but the potion left a bitter aftertaste that was similar to vinegar. Her stomach gurgled and burned.
"Water," she coughed after her last sip of tonic.
"No. You'll dilute it," Noel said firmly, relieving her of the glass.
Smartly, she rebutted, "Isn't that what you're supposed to do after drinking poison? Or is it throw up? — Devon Ashley

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers. — Chelsea Handler

This is no time for drinking a mug of water - which you would do nowhere else in the world. A mug of water! You just don't drink water from mugs, do ya? Except on the telly. Water out of a mug! Should be a hot drink ... mug of water. — Russell Brand

When a man is on the road to power he buys everyone a drink. Once elected he tries to close the saloons. — Robert Lautner

I don't like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned. — Chelsea Handler

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. — Henny Youngman

Could I have a Sloe Gin Fizz, without the gin?"
"What's the point of that, Miss?" the waiter said.
"Tomorrow morning," Mabel said. — Libba Bray

Christy said. "It's just weird, your seeing him like that. What are you going to do?"
"Nothing. What can I do?"
"Maybe he'll call you to see if you're okay," Katie said.
"No," Christy said, "in the movies he would have told his friend to stop the car, and he would have run back to you with an umbrella and walked you the rest of the way hoe, and you would have made him a pot of tea."
Sierra laughed. "I am drinking tea right now," she said. "Maybe my life is a low budget 'B' movie, and all I get is the tea. No hero. No umbrella."
"Yeah, well then my life is a class 'Z' movie," Katie said. "No tea. No hero. No umbrella. No plot
"
"Yours is more of a mystery," Christy interrupted cheerfully. "The ending will surprise all of us. — Robin Jones Gunn

Meanwhile we'll drink your health - queen Alice's health!' she screamed at the top of her voice, and all the guests began drinking it directly ... — Lewis Carroll

We drink to those who love us, we drink to those who don't. We drink to those who fuck us, and fuck those who don't! — Tamsyn Bester

I really hate that I need my glasses while using my laptop. What I hate even more is that I need those glasses to be full of vodka at all times.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz — Karen Quan

Yes, you'd make a great partner for him. What with the embezzling and the adultery and the drinking. That's what every man wants in a wife - a vaguely alcoholic, fornicating thief. — Eleanor Brown

For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it's funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I'd squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I'm now told that this is not called "going to sleep" but rather "passing out," a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment. — David Sedaris

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. — Drew Carey

The only drinking problem I've ever had, is figuring out why I'm still stuck in this salad spinner — Josh Stern

The three cardinal tenets of rum drinking in Newfoundland. The first of these is that as soon as a bottle is placed on a table it must be opened. This is done to "let the air get at it and carry off the black vapors." The second tenet is that a bottle, once opened, must never be restoppered, because of the belief that it will then go bad. No bottle of rum has ever gone bad in Newfoundland, but none has ever been restoppered, so there is no way of knowing whether this belief is reasonable. The final tenet is that an open bottle must be drunk as rapidly as possible "before all to-good goes out of it. — Farley Mowat

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria. — Benjamin Franklin

In Ireland, you go to someone's house, and she asks you if you want a cup of tea. You say no, thank you, you're really just fine. She asks if you're sure. You say of course you're sure, really, you don't need a thing. Except they pronounce it ting. You don't need a ting. Well, she says then, I was going to get myself some anyway, so it would be no trouble. Ah, you say, well, if you were going to get yourself some, I wouldn't mind a spot of tea, at that, so long as it's no trouble and I can give you a hand in the kitchen. Then you go through the whole thing all over again until you both end up in the kitchen drinking tea and chatting.
In America, someone asks you if you want a cup of tea, you say no, and then you don't get any damned tea.
I liked the Irish way better. — C.E. Murphy

People are always doing studies. Now there's one that says drinking coffee can lead to the prevention of memory loss in old age. This is terrible news. Drinking coffee is my greatest pleasure in life. That, and forgetting. — Ariel Leve

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking. — Chelsea Handler

Do I have to get diapers?" he asked.
"Why, did Kade shit himself?" she laughed.
Dylan huffed loudly. Eyebrows knitted together, "DO I NEED TO GET BOTTLES?"
Jen rolled her eyes and shook her head as if he were crazy, "Don't you think it's too early to start drinking? You just got up ... "
"IS THERE ANYTHING IN YOUR OVEN?"
"I'M NOT BAKING ANYTHING, YOU MORON! WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?"
My God, you have surrounded me with idiots. — Christine Zolendz

I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels. — Darynda Jones

Hey, I am thinking of it myself, in this part of world (East), we all do endeavors in praying and are sweating (white liquid) and this is our situation, frustrated , but on the other part of world (West) ,they are enjoying in party and drinking liquor (white liquid) but their situation is that, successful, I do not know that the problem relates to the type of liquid or the way of drinking!! — Ali Shariati

The Americans called theirs the Officers Club but the Canadians called ours the Officers Mess. The American term was the more honest; ours the more accurate. Drunken officers at play are messy. — R.J. Childerhose

We were still twirling around the tiny parking lot when the neighbors
screamed 'Happy New Year'. Unfortunately we weren't sober enough to
realize that was our cue to call it a night. Josh had a new beer in his hands,
Danny was eating the last hot dog and Darren and I were still dancing
when the cops showed up. — Kaitlin Scott

These days, "getting lucky" means drinking an entire cup of COFFEE while it's still HOT! — Tanya Masse

That would work in a court of law. But we're not in a court of law. We're in the court of tequila. And in the court of tequila, you and I both know you were lying. — Melanie Shawn

I talk better when I'm drinking coffee." "Me, too. If by coffee you mean beer, and by better you mean louder. — D.D. Barant

She reaches down into her bulging tote bag and pulls out a small plastic box with a hinged lid. It contains a round pill box with a threaded lid from which she tips out a vitamin pill, a fish-oil pill, and the enzyme tablet that lets her stomach digest milk. Inside the hinged plastic box she also carries packets of salt, pepper, horseradish, and hand-wipes, a doll size bottle of Tabasco sauce, chlorine pills for treating drinking water, Pepto-Bismol chews, and God knows what else. If you go to a concert, Bina has opera glasses. If you need to sit on the grass, she whips out a towel. Ant traps, a corkscrew, candles and matches, a dog muzzle, a penknife, a tiny aerosol can of freon, a magnifying glass - Landsman has seen everything come out of that overstuffed cowhide at one time or another. — Michael Chabon

What are you doing here, anyway? You don't strike me as the speed dating type.'
'I lost a bet with Alfie,' he says. 'You met him at The Cow that day . . .?' Waistcoat Guy, I think, nodding. 'I said to him that if you didn't text me back then I'd try speed dating, because I'm officially the worst single man in London.'
'You're not!' I say. 'I mean, it wasn't a bad date. I was just . . .'
'Don't say you were drunk! It's the biggest post-sex insult ever.'
'. . . drunk, I mean drinking, a bit more than I ought, and I was, uh, cringing at the thought that I'd been a nightmare date.'
'No. You were great,' says Mark/Skinny Jeans.
'Actually, the biggest post-sex insult is "we did?"' says Robert. 'But that's another story. — Gemma Burgess

Most people whom you may view as wine experts are usually just good at one thing: winemakers are good at making wine, sommeliers at talking about it, and wine journalists at drinking it for free. — Olivier Magny

Everyone says it's wrong, 'drinking and driving', don't they.
I can tell you two things that are far more dangerous than 'drinking and driving': 1. 'drinking'; 2. 'driving'.
Do you know how many people were killed last year in Britain as a direct result of alcohol abuse?--thirty-five-thousand!
Do you know how many people were killed as a direct result of driving a car?--twenty-two-thousand!
Do you know how many people were killed as a direct result of drinking _and_ driving?--five-hundred!
::pauses::
I'm not taking any fuckin' chances!
::swigs his beer:: — Lee Mack

If you want to keep your dignity intact, stay away from tequila. — Alida Nugent

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it. — Lewis Grizzard

I'm going out for a bottle of champagne. We're going to get bombed. — Stephen King

I will never, ever drink whiskey again. From now on, it's strictly sherry. — Libba Bray

Reggie, you wrapped your sports car around a telephone pole after drinking a bar."
"Yeah... But I was wearing my seatbelt. — Daniel Younger

Ptah held up his mug. "Do you realize, we've fought together, starved together, bled together, endured slavery, and looked into the jaws of death..."
"But we never drank together!" Marcus finished, clanking his mug to Ptah's.
"Exactly! The drink flows freely, and we must make up for lost time, ha ha ha! — Jennifer McKeithen

Do you guys ever reach the point of drunkenness where you're so drunk you're like "I better keep drinking to sober up" and then you're like "you know, I recognise that that is not how it works. But ... — Hannah Hart

If you were smart, you'd probably spend more time stretching, he said & I said, If I were really smart, I'd probably spend more time just sitting in the shade drinking lemonade. — Brian Andreas

I admit I get the occasional headache," I said. "I admit some of my hangovers are epic. But usually all it takes for me to bounce back is a sauna, cold-plunge pool, steam bath, massage, and wasabi to clear the sinuses". — George Gurley

Sparhawk grinned. "If Martel finds out that he's drinking again, he'll reach down his throat and pull his heart out." "Can you actually do that to a man?" "You can if your arm's long enough, and if you know what you're looking for.[ ... ] — David Eddings