Drinking Alcohol Funny Quotes & Sayings

You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order — Josh Stern

Shared laughter creates a bond of friendship. — Lee Grant

I'd just run into my gynecologist at Starbucks and she totally looked right past me like she didn't even know me. And so I stood there wondering whether that's something she does on purpose to make her clients feel less uncomfortable, or whether she just genuinely didn't recognize me without my vagina. Either way, it's very disconcerting when people who've been inside your vagina don't acknowledge your existence. Also, I just want to clarify that I don't mean "without my vagina" like I didn't have it with me at the time. — Jenny Lawson

What career? A man's got a body of film of about four movies in about 10 years or something. I do it because I think I can do a good job of something and I'll enjoy it, do it, and sort of vanish. I don't want to be an actor for hire. — Paul Hogan

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. — Dave Moulton

Unreasonable force is illegal. The force used has to be reasonable under the circumstances to protect the police officers and the public — Kenneth Eade

One's Use of Life', if turns into worldly selfishness is called adharma (irreligion), and if it turns into spiritual selfishness (towards true self) is called dharma (religion). — Dada Bhagwan

Love is blind, they say
but isn't it more that love makes us see too much? Isn't it more that love floods our brain with sights and sounds, so that everything looks bigger, brighter, more lovely than ever before? — Susan Fletcher

A Frenchman, Alexis de Tocqueville, came to America more than a century ago and made some astute observations about the American way. He said that we have a misleading idea at the very head of our Constitution: the pursuit of happiness. One can not pursue happiness; if he does he obscures it. If he will proceed with the human task of life, the relocation of the center of gravity of the personality to something greater outside itself, happiness will be the outcome. — Karl Marlantes

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know. — W.C. Fields

Death arrives among all that sound
like a shoe with no foot in it,
like a suit with no man in it,
comes and knocks,
using a ring with no stone in it,
with no finger in it,
comes and shouts with no mouth,
with no tongue,with no throat.
Nevertheless its steps can be heard and its clothing makes a hushed sound, like a tree. — Pablo Neruda

I like liquor - its taste and its effects - and that is just the reason why I never drink it. — Stonewall Jackson

Drunken men give some of the best pep talks. — Criss Jami

As the magistrate has no power to impose by his laws the use of any rites and ceremonies in any church, so neither has he any power to forbid the use of such rites and ceremonies as are already received, approved, and practised by any church; because if he did so, he would destroy the church itself; the end of whose institution is only to worship God with freedom, after its own manner. — John Locke

I felt empty and sad for years, and for a long, long time, alcohol worked. I'd drink, and all the sadness would go away. Not only did the sadness go away, but I was fantastic. I was beautiful, funny, I had a great figure, and I could do math. But at some point, the booze stopped working. That's when drinking started sucking. Every time I drank, I could feel pieces of me leaving. I continued to drink until there was nothing left. Just emptiness. — Dina Kucera

The great challenge which faces us is to assure that, in our society of big-ness, we do not strangle the voice of creativity, that the rules of the game do not come to overshadow its purpose, that the grand orchestration of society leaves ample room for the man who marches to the music of another drummer. — Hubert H. Humphrey

So what are you planning to do with the rest of your life?
Develop a drinking problem. More Scotch, please. — Daniel Silva

Teachers are more than any other group the guardians of civilization. — Bertrand Russell

It's not a question of happiness, it's a requirement. Consider the alternative. — Douglas Horton

For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it's funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I'd squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I'm now told that this is not called "going to sleep" but rather "passing out," a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment. — David Sedaris