Quotes & Sayings About Douche

My dad can be such a douche sometimes when he makes complete and total sense; I so freaking hate him. — L.M. Roberts

I processed his words, my lips searching for his clumsily in the dark. I felt his fingers squeeze my neck. And that douche choked me out. — Camilla Monk

Method rules his training, which blends the physical with the mental. How many chess masters put in, prior to an important match, an allotted time daily to bicycling and shadow-boxing, followed by a cold douche and a brisk rub down? — Hans Kmoch

I'm your personal jock-blocker, baby." Tori reached into her jeans pocket and handed over a half-eaten Snickers bar. "Happy Douche Liberation Day. — Melissa Landers

You're smart, pretty, and you aren't a douche purse. — Gena Showalter

I think the world would be a simpler place if 'douche' and 'touche' were pronounced the same. — Travis J. Dahnke

My car has wyvern giblets on the inside and fairy douche on the outside, I deserve the big shower! — S.L.J. Shortt

My mouth dropped open, because even if it wasn't my best friend, I knew the guy who was presently rubbing the short stubble on his chin. The only new thing about him was the little scar on his left eyebrow. It was Gabriel Green, known to me as Gabe the douche bag. Great! — Stephanie Witter

That dude is a class-A douche nozzle."

-Braeden — Cambria Hebert

You are a side effect," Van Houten continued, "of an evolutionary process that cares little for individual lives. You are a failed experiment in mutation. — John Green

How much to make her go to her room and stop talking to me?" Cal asked.
While I gaped at his rudeness, Gigi coughed a rather obvious "douchebag!" into her fist. I caught her eye and shook my head emphatically. Douche-coughing someone with superhearing was not a responsible choice. — Molly Harper

It's definitely fun to play something you're not, which is always a good time. Who doesn't want to get to act like a jerk or a douche, every now and then? — Rob Riggle

Romance is the douche of the bourgeoisie, — David Berman

And oh my God, who brought that goddamn guitar? I want to kill them. Do you know how you can tell who the douche bag is at the party? It's the guy who starts playing the acoustic guitar. — Robin Benway

Dad always told me that you can judge people by the way they treat waiters and assistants. By this measure, Peter Van Houten was possibly the world's douchiest douche. — John Green

I GOT A LONG ROAD AHEAD OF ME TO MAKE PEOPLE BELIEVE I'M NOT ACTUALLY A HUGE DOUCHE. — Kanye West

Gryffindor is the courageous one right? I mean, I'm here because I have the balls to tell adults when they're douche bags, so yeah, Gryffindor. — Trish Cook, Brendan Halpin

Joshua was everything I expected him to be - handsome, charming, stylish, and a complete douche. — S.L. Jennings

Well, the flannel-coated pussy stealer won't be taking care of her for much longer," I said, unbuckling my seatbelt. She looked at me blankly. Perhaps she didn't appreciate her sister being referred to as "pussy". I cleared my throat. "I meant flannel-coated ... ginger douche."
She dipped her chin and said dryly, "Dude, the term is douchecanoe. — Karina Halle

And that goddamned bald guy from The Weather Channel was in New Orleans. Everyone knew that the guy only went to the place that was going to get hit the worst. Like a bald, douche-bag weather angel of death. — S.E. Jakes

That guy," Lindsey said, "is a douche. Asterisk, I hate him. Footnote, he can suck it. — Chloe Neill

And he paddled away in his douche canoe. — Joe Hill

I fight the urge to call him a mother-fucking douche canoe and glare down at his shoes, my lip curling. — Belle Aurora

You're worse than a douche bag. You're a douche puddle, the excrement of a douching. — L.D. Davis

It takes the right guy to show you how wrong the last douche bag was. — Srinivas Shenoy

No," he assured her. "The old Alex would've had plenty to say." She lifted an amused eyebrow as he continued. "Old Alex would've instantly hated that douche. — Elizabeth Reyes

I tried to push down my anger. One thing I hated more than Daemon's douche-nozzle side was him telling me what to do. "You don't own me, Daemon."
"It's not about ownership, you little nut."
"Nut?" I glared at him. "I wouldn't call me names when I have a knife in my hand. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

Phenex gently took the biscuit from her, examined it for a moment, and then, in a blur of movement, pelted Gadreel with it. It hit him squarely in the forehead before landing in his bisque, making it splatter.
Gadreel bared his teeth. "I was playing."
"So am I. It's a game called Whack-a-Douche. I just set the all-time high score. — Kendra Leigh Castle

Justin Bieber is a douche bag. Now that I have your attention, let's talk about cars. — Corey Taylor

I love that, for Kanye [West], there's no difference between the epic and the personal. That makes him sound like a really grandiose douche - which, I don't think anyone, himself included, could contest - but at the same time, it's really amazing. I love the scope of his perfectionism. — David Longstreth

She'd had sex with a demon. Tayla swallowed bile and tried to keep her stomach from heaving. She needed to shower. And douche. — Larissa Ione

Yeah Jesus could turn water in to wine, but he didn't share. Douche. — Anthony Langston

What do you want, douche-whore? Haven't you ruined my night enough by interrupting my mouth fucking session with your fuckhot teammate? Now you have to disturb my masturbation session, too? — Helena Hunting

This Jacob dude sounds like a real Bilbo Douche-Baggins. — Jess Rothenberg

God damn, I wish I could fast-forward time and be old and wrinkly. How awesome would that be? No more worrying about getting ogled by douche bags like Trent Gibson, or getting all hormonal and bothered against my will over hotties like Grant Blue, who wouldn't touch me with a ten-foot pole. — Isobel Irons

Granuaile:"So why don't cult leaders achieve godhood?"
Atticus:" Because they're megalomaniacs drenched in douche juice. — Kevin Hearne

The customer is always right, Brook Lynn often said. And Jessie Kay agreed ... unless the customer was a douche bag, and then he was just a douche bag. — Gena Showalter

Gentlemen, a depression is for capitalism like a good, cold douche. — Joseph A. Schumpeter

When do you stop to de-douche? — Anthony Bourdain

What do you want me to say, Elli, I'm sorry? I'm sorry for feeling the way I do? Sorry for wanting to be with you every fucking moment of the day, for wanting only you? I mean what would you want? For me to be a fucking douche, cheating on you, not telling you I actually feel something for you? I mean for the love of God, Elli, what do you want from this? Is this relationship actually going somewhere? -Shea Adler — Toni Aleo

Abs - all the assholes had them. Four to six muscles were like a graph chart to show just how big of a douche bag the guy was. — Jamie McGuire

If a man tells you he's an asshole & that you deserve better, believe him...it's a warning. It's best you listen before he proves it to you. — April Mae Monterrosa

I want to leave a mark.

But Van Houten: The marks humans leave are too often scars. — John Green

Most people lie and let life play upon them like the tepid discharges of a douche-bag. — Lawrence Durrell

By the time we reached town, I was still utterly resolved to keep my hands off her ... but Taz was at her place, and I didn't trust that asshole for shit. That's why I took her back to my apartment instead ... and you can shut right the fuck up about that.
I already know I'm a douche. — Joanna Wylde

What kind of a dork uses a lame stage name anyway? And why Shade? Because he wears sunglasses all the time?"
"Yeah, he has to wear them. He has vision problems.."
Melanie's stomach dropped and she covered her big, blabbering mouth with one hand. "He does? Shit. Now I feel bad."
The guy chuckled. "I'm just fucking with you. He wears them because he enjoys looking like a douche twenty-four seven. — Olivia Cunning

You don't have to tell him anything, Asher,' Lily said, obviously renewing her loyalty in spite of his douche wafflosity. — Christopher Moore

A douche of spray blinded my brother for a moment. — H.G.Wells

Yeah, okay, I might've overreacted, but it's just because I care about you. You're my sister and I'm supposed to act like a douche when it comes to guys you're with."
"You got that part down to a science," Jase muttered.
Cam flipped him off. — J. Lynn

And now?" I touched Baltic's cheek, drawing his attention away from tragic memories. "Is he being coldly mad now?"
"No. I thought at first he was, but I see now that the act of being raised as a shade has changed him, leached the madness out of him."
Behind us, present-day Constantine yelled, "You call me a douche canoe? I am not the douche canoe
you are. No, you are more than that
you are a douche speed-boat!"
"Most of the madness," Baltic qualified. — Katie MacAlister

Because all little girls deserve to be protected. Even the daughters of douche bags. — Kimberly Wollenburg

Hipsterdom's a tightrope strung across the canyon of douche-baggery. He clung by a finger. — Anthony Marra

You pussy-whipped douche waffle. — Jamie McGuire

Forget all of our past bullshit, okay? I've got less than a handful of days to convince you that I'm not a complete douche bag, and I want a fair shot. Give it to me. — Liz Reinhardt

I thought about my goal of having a beer at a bar with an age-appropriate friend and decided a pub was even better, because I really didn't want to be near douche bags trying to copulate. — Matthew Quick

Wait. Don't we even get a say in this?" James is supposed to be a macho, baseball player. Why is he such a whiny douche? "What? You want us to take a vote?" That — Roxas James

April is tax month. If you are having trouble filing your taxes, then you should hire an accountant. They'll give you the same advice that they've given hundreds of corporations - taxes are for douche bags. — Ed Helms

I'm talking about anyone who hates on people who are gay. Who loves someone of the same sex. Those people might not be quite as unstable as Zach, but they're just as dangerous. Anyone who uses the fact that a person loves another person as some kind of weapon or reason to be a douche bag isn't right in the head. — Cambria Hebert

This guy is an epic douche. Kick his shiny ass, Atticus, Oberon said.
I compartmentalized his comment and resolved to enjoy it later. I glared at this would be usurper and said in my most authoritative voice, "Aenghus Og, you have broken Druidic law by killing the land around us and opening a gate to hell, unleashing demons on this plane. I judge you guilty and sentence you to death."
Amen, Atticus! Testify! — Kevin Hearne

When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love on like the same day - even Karen the douche bag falls in love! Even retarded people in your neighborhood are getting married on their front lawn as you drive by, "What? The 'tards just got married on their lawn. That's great! I have nobody, and the 'tards just committed to each other for a lifetime of 'tardiness". — Dane Cook

It was a very imaginative, bitey possum and also a total douche-canoe. — Jenny Lawson

How can we be so utterly perfect, and you chose the douche who doesn't have the first clue what he has? — Melissa A. Craven

Father' is such an arbitary word. Douche bag, on the other hand ... — Becca Fitzpatrick

Douche. You are a fucking douche shovel. — Kandi Steiner

He owns Douchedome. All assholes compete in the douche form of the Olympics at Douchedome. — Calia Read

Quick! What aisle are the douches in? I've got three bitches at the beach cottage and they all stick to high heaven."...
"You do carry Massengill, don't you? That's the best brand, according to my research."
"Ah..." What kind of man researches douches? A man who goes to bed with three women...
"Would you mind checking your inventory in the back? I'll need more."
"I'm not allowed to leave the register, but I'll be happy to page our stock boy."
Douche-man grunted and flipped the package around. "It's gonna take at least two boxes for Loa. She's big. Got wide hips. Skinny legs, though. Kinda like a twenty-gallon tank on toothpicks. — Vonnie Davis

I may be a douche to some people, but I actually do run companies. — Scott Disick

Six hours later, when I returned, I was greeted at the door- and this before it was even opened -by the overpowering smell of vinegar. What were my neighbors thinking? That a douche-obsessed woman with a gigantic, three-foot vagina lived next door? — Augusten Burroughs

I know Matt is your friend, but I think he's a douche bag. — Rebekkah Ford

The guy just stood there. Hello. There're zombies everywhere. Try looking behind you, douche canoe. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

I'll rip the fucking asshole's dick off and stuff it down his douche-bag throat. Take my whip and cornhole the bastard peckerheaded fuckwad till his ass whistles "The Star Spangled Banner." Then I'll break the dried-up piece of jackwad's leg off and shove it up his ass. — Cherise Sinclair

What every girl should know: Your vagina is disgusting. It smells like the underside of a kangaroo pouch and he doesn't want to touch you because of the grossness. But thankfully, NEW brand douche, perfected by a leading gynecologist, gently cleanses and refreshes, making you feel feminine and special. Because what's more special than a vage filled with vinegar and chemical daisies? Also available in SPICY CINNAMON TACO, for the girl adventurer. — Kelly Sue DeConnick

There are five levels of the douche hierarchy: douche, douche bag, douche canoe, douche nozzle and right at the top, the king of it all, when the douche is displaying phenomenal amounts of doucheness, is a douche rocket. It's when someone is such a douche, like the KING of douches, they can no longer be described as a douche nozzle, they are ALL the levels of douchery put together, and douche rocked is used. — Christine Zolendz

Grinning again, Hayes walks back to his office. "I'll visit your douche-in-law after I get a few other things done." "Thank you." "Remember these heartwarming moments when I forget your birthday or name down the road. Oh, and I'm not giving you shit for Secretaries Day." "I'll steal some of your emergency cash from the sugar container and buy myself something for Secretaries Day." I hear Hayes laugh quietly. — Bijou Hunter

Young people are swaddled in delusion. You think you are more awesome than you are, the world more interested in you than it is, your countenance more dazzling, your ideas more captivating, and that LeBron James was just a natural talent recruited from a neighborhood pickup game. You don't want to practice, you don't see the value in sacrifice, and you are convinced there is some vast comedy conspiracy to keep you from buying your first Bentley and dating a model by the time you are twenty-five. Wow. You are a douche. — Aisha Tyler

Granuaile looked terminally depressed when she emerged from the bathroom with raven hair and, as a result rather Goth by accident. She didn't want to get her picture taken.
"Aughh!" she said miserably, looking in the vanity mirror in the truck of the cab and fingering a wavy curl near her temple. "This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before. You know what we look like? A couple of emo douche bags."
"Well, look at the bright side, Granuaile. Emo Douche Bags would be a great band name."
[That's brilliant! It's already the unofficial name of more bands than I can count.] — Kevin Hearne

It's the Law of Douche Bags. Douche bags walk away with enough holes in them to look like a colander, while good guys go down for the count with one random punch to the head. Sheri - one — Marcia Clark

What a douche," Reagan muttered. "I'm pretty sure my mom has that scarf. — Rainbow Rowell

Your attempt at GQ has, tragically, ended in douche-bag. - Anna, Seers of Light — Jennifer DeLucy

No one gives out Congratulations on Not Being a Douche-Canoe medals, because good behavior is part of the social contract. — Jen Lancaster

You three don't like any of the men I introduce you to. You didn't even like the Hot OB."
"The HOT OB was a douche," Charlie said.
"This mystery man better not be another douche, Brooke," Ford warned. "I can't spend six innings trapped in a skybox with a douche. — Julie James

If I was a cynic I would be wondering if sooner or later some charismatic douche-bag might stomp all over this Little House on the Prairie dream of yours. — Stephen Baxter

The Top Ten Reasons Why Virgin Val Sucks
10. She called me a one-hit-wonder.
9. She doesn't appreciate the endearing nickname I gave her.
8. She makes me write stupid blogs about her at four in the morning.
7. She's encouraging people not to have sex.
6. She blew me off when I asked her out.
5. She has a crush on a douche bag.
4. She won't answer any of my calls.
3. She's such a tease with her look-but-don't-touch policy.
2. I played a whole effing concert just for her and she didn't come even though she told me she would. (You're such a liar!)
And the #1 reason why Virgin Val sucks?
I still want her anyway. — Kelly Oram

It wasn't until that moment I knew three things. One, I was definitely going to work tomorrow. Two, I was a total douche bag for what I was about to do. Three, the plan would be placed into action as soon as possible. — Sadie Grubor

He sprayed on a bit of this man's body-spray thing his mom had gotten for free at Walmart, feeling like a douche, but thinking it was better to feel like a douche than to smell like an asshole. — Lauren Oliver

Don't demean what I know is one of your favorite body parts. — Gil A. Waters

Listen douche pants. You're not going to tell me anything about disease I don't already know. — John Green

Lily liked the fog, and didn't even mind the cold wind. She reckoned that Ocean Beach, the dunes there, and the Sunset were the closest San Francisco was going to come to the foreboding, wind-swept moors of England, where she had aspired to suffer romance and heartache when she was a kid. The foghorn, however, rather than a lonesome lament that conjured images of Heathcliff's dark figure, waiting with clenched jaw on the moor for her to bring light and warmth into his life, sounded like a distressed moose tied up in her neighbor's garage, having his nut sack singed with jumper cables at a precise interval calculated to keep her from falling asleep. Which, in turn, made her think of what complete douche bags people could be when all you wanted to do was borrow a defibrillator. Then she was awake and angry. — Christopher Moore

And Rusty is a douche! And the wind in my hair smells like whoosh!"
Cade laughed, "Don't you mean sounds?"
"What sounds?"
"Nevermind," he chuckled — Cora Carmack

Thank you," I said in relief. "Fuck you, douche," he replied before hanging up. — Kelli Jean

Now that 'Scrubs' is over, people seem to feel more comfortable telling me that I was a total douche to them for the past 8 years. And the whole time I'm thinking, 'Who ARE you?' — Zach Braff

And get some self-esteem. What the fuck is that? It's so annoying to see a pretty girl see herself as not worthy. You know what it makes us guys think you aren't worthy? We see you how you see you. You're pretty and funny and smart. Stop being such a douche-canoe. — Tara Brown

Hell, even I'm a little surprised by Nine
between this and our little heart-to-heart in the doorway earlier, I might have to upgrade him from total douche bag to minor tool. — Pittacus Lore

People are mad a Donald Trump for allegedly making a joke about Megyn Kelly having her period. Trump said, 'Trust me, I know what goes on down there, because I'm a huge douche.' — Conan O'Brien

It's extremely improper for me to call a young teenaged boy a douche," I stated and everyone looked at me. "That said, Taylor is right. He was definitely a douche. — Kristen Ashley

Why hadn't she said anything? It wouldn't have been weird for her to tell me, Pierce, back when I was in high school and had terribly poor judgment, I used to go out with an extreme douche. — Meg Cabot

I may have at some point referred to him as a douche nozzle. — Hannah Harrington

I was just telling Steve how much you appreciate motorcycles and it just so happens that he has one"
Whoopee. Like I fucking cared.
"Oh yeah?" I said, glancing at Steve. "What kind of ride?"
The douche canoe grinned at me, revealing two perfectly straight and glaringly white rows of teeth.
"A BMW," he said. "R12 - "
"A sports bike?" I interrupted, wrinkling up my nose. "How super gay for you."
...
"Sports bikes are for pussies. True fucking story. — Madeline Sheehan

Roller Boogie is a relic from - when else? - the '70s. This is a tape I made for the eight-grade dance. The tape still plays, even if the cogs are a little creaky and the sound quality is dismal. It's a ninety-minute TDK Compact Cassette, and like everything else made in the '70s, it's beige. It takes me back to the fall of 1979, when I was a shy, spastic, corduroy-clad Catholic kid from the suburbs of Boston, grief-stricken over the '78 Red Sox. The words "douche" and "bag" have never coupled as passionately as they did in the person of my thirteen-yer-old self. My body, my brain, my elbows that stuck out like switchblades, my feet that got tangled in my bike spokes, but most of all my soul - these formed the waterbed where douchitude and bagness made love sweet love with all the feral intensity of Burt Reynolds and Rachel Ward in Sharkey's Machine. — Rob Sheffield

People are douche bags. Many people. Not all. But you know, most.
Which is why we destroyed the world. — Christopher Moore