Quotes & Sayings About Doctors Funny

Not married. Mostly because no one has ever asked me," Leah said lightly.
Izzy pulled a disbelieving face. "Are the men in Melbourne blind?" she said. "You're hot. If all doctors looked like you, my boyfriend would be at the local clinic every second day, begging for a prostate exam or something equally perverted."
"Well, thanks. I think," Leah said. — Sarah Mayberry

A few years ago he had a big heart transplant in Chicago, a five-hour operation. It took the doctors four hours to get him on the operating table. — Bob Hope

Medicine's a funny business. After all, dispensing chemicals is considered mainstream and diet and nutrition is considered alternative. — Charles F. Glassman

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes. — Mitch Hedberg

Are you having fun playing with those plastic 3-D models of ears, noses and throats? That's kind of like what I do, except instead of cute little plastic models, it's living human tissue, and instead of playing, I'm fucking working, and instead of fun, it's fucking not fun, it's serious. — Colin Nissan

Some people are funny, and some people are not funny. Many people who are not funny can make a living at it. You don't have to be great to make a living at it. Just like a doctor who doesn't have to be great can still make a living out of it. — Woody Allen

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee! — Rodney Dangerfield

We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that. — Karl Pilkington

I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl. — Sarah Silverman

For, medicine being a compendium of the successive and contradictory mistakes of medical practitioners, when we summon the wisest of them to our aid, the chances are that we may be relying on a scientific truth the error of which will be recognized in a few years' time. So that to believe in medicine would be the height of folly, if not to believe in it were not greater folly still, for from this mass of errors there have emerged in the course of time many truths. — Marcel Proust

I can't go to Amsterdam. One of my doctors thinks it's a bad idea."
He was quiet for a second. "God," he said. "I should've just paid for it myself. Should've just taken you straight from the Funky Bones to Amsterdam."
"But then I would've had a probably fatal episode of deoxygenation in Amsterdam, and my body would have been shipped home in the cargo hold of an airplane," I said.
"Well, yeah," he said. "But before that, my grand romantic gesture would have totally gotten me laid."
I laughed pretty hard, hard enought that I felt where the chest tube had been.
"You laugh because it's true," he said.
I laughed again.
"It's true, isn't it!"
"Probably not," I said, and then after a moment added, "although you never know. — John Green

I walk into the clubhouse today and it's like walking into the Mayo Clinic. We have four doctors, three therapists and five trainers. Back when I broke in, we had one trainer who carried a bottle of rubbing alcohol, and by the 7th inning he'd already drunk it. — Tommy Lasorda

If you are not your own doctor, you are a fool. — Hippocrates

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" — Henny Youngman

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse. — Spike Milligan

I've tried really hard to care about things that were very different from my parents. I was curious if I could care about [money] on some fundamental level, and I couldn't. That wasn't the metric of success I wanted in my life. I've talked about this to my friends who are doctors and whose parents are doctors, or who are lawyers and their parents are lawyers. It's a funny thing to realize I feel called to this work both as a daughter and also as someone who believes I have contributions to make. — Chelsea Clinton

HUMOR IS POWER." ~ Karyn Buxman, RN, neurohumorist Chapter 1 What's NOT So Funny About Nursing? 12 hour shifts . . . Doctors with attitude . . . Cranky co-workers . . . Frequent flyers . . . Non-compliant patients . . . Frustrated administrators . . . Antibiotic-resistant superbugs . . . Healthcare reform . . . Disorganized supply closets . . . Dwindling budgets . . . Increasing workloads . . . Bad hospital coffee. — Karyn Buxman

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!" — Henny Youngman

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.' — George Burns

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? — Dustin Hoffman

The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!" — Dave Barry

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera." — Tim Vine

I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV! — Milton Jones

So I watched the Pink Panther last night, and so I'm trying desperately to be funny, and then it's just not working out so good ... I wonder if maybe I could've been a comedian or something like that, or maybe I could've been a doctor, then I wouldn't have to make anyone laugh. — Dave Matthews

Two-thirds of all preachers, doctors and lawyers are hanging on to the coat tails of progress, shouting, whoa! while a good many of the rest are busy strewing banana peels along the line of march. — Elbert Hubbard

Behind every good decathlete, there's a good doctor. — Bill Toomey

Felicity Shaw," she says and sticks out a hand. Her suit is paler today but no less severe. "You look like you're feeling a little bit better, Detective." "Thank you," I say. "Fresh air and exercise. Drugs and doctors. All that." She doesn't smile. I think Swann would have smiled at that. Which I hope makes me funny and not Swann a woman with a terrible sense of humor. Could go either way on that one, though. — Jonathan Wood

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?" — Henny Youngman

Unhealthy behavior is actually common among doctors, who tend to know a lot about medicine but very little about health. — Sol Luckman