Divorce Humor Quotes & Sayings

In the middle of a grocery store, two children were horsing around (one holding the other in a headlock) when the mother turned abruptly to give them a stern reprimand.
'You two are old enough to know better than to behave this way in public! Could you - at least for the time we're in this store - mind your manners enough to act like an adult?'
The children took less than a moment to consider their mother's question before facing each other and engaging in the following conversation:
'I hate you.'
'I hate you too.'
'Let's get a divorce.'
'Okay.'
Perhaps 'act like an adult' isn't such good advice anymore. — Richelle E. Goodrich

Lauren realizes right then that the prospect of being single - of recent events leading to a divorce and her being a single mother with child support checks and the like - scares her to death. Dating itself is such a frightening, vulnerable time period, no matter what the circumstances. It sucks, really. She doesn't want to go through all that again. — Patrick Anderson Jr.

Wow," Sussman said, "you look hot even with the slight disfigurement."
I stopped and turned toward him.
"What did you say?"
"Um, you look hot?"
"Let me ask you something," I said, easing closer. He took a wary step back. "When you were alive, like, five minutes ago, would you have told some chick you'd just met that she looked hot?"
He thought about that a moment, then answered, "No. My wife would divorce me."
"Then why is it the moment you guys die, you think you can say whatever you want to whomever you want?"
He thought about that a moment, too. "Because my wife can't hear me?" he offered. — Darynda Jones

Divorce is success. Failure is staying married to a person you no longer love. — Ben Tolosa

For those who have true love, have no limits of expressing their love to one another yet it is a sad fact that those who are searching for love, fear expressing their love to even those who love them. — Auliq Ice

It turns out there is something worse than attending a wedding where you don't know anyone: attending a wedding where you know six people, and they are all your ex-husband's best friends. — Lauren F. Winner

Cats, I decided, had certain advantages over men. There were loyal without being sycophantic, independent without being absent, and affectionate without being rapacious. That they choke up balls of fur and leave dead rodents at my feet is unfortunate. But it is not grounds for divorce. — Betsy Tobin

Daisy doesn't even go to his funeral, Nick and Jordan part ways, and Daisy ends up sticking with racist Tom ... you can tell Fitzgerald never took the time to look up at clouds during sunset, because there's no silver lining at the end of that book, let me tell you.
I do see why Nikki likes the novel, as it's written so well. But her liking it makes me worry now that Nikki really doesn't believe in silver linings, because she says The Great Gatsby is the greatest novel ever written by an American, and yet it ends so sadly. One thing's for sure, Nikki is going to be very proud of me when I tell her I finally read her favorite book. -Silver Linings Playbook, p. 9 — Matthew Quick

I divorce myself from listeners who aren't tolerant of humor. I did notice universally that, especially when it comes to weight, people look in the mirror and get the angle just right, tell themselves it's all right, and then they go out. — Ben Folds

Hey lady." Sandy wrapped her arms around Darcy's neck and kissed her cheek quickly. "So, are we burning anything of his in some occult ritual that will curse him and all his unborn children till the end of their days, or are we just going to key his car? — D.A. Rhine

It was true. After our divorce, I'd ended up in a slight relationship with my last research assistant, Aurelia Feinstein, age 34-though let me state for the record it was not as hot as it sounded. Making love to Aurelia was like rummaging through a card catalog in a deserted library, searching for one very obscure little red entry on Hungarian poetry. It was dead silent, no one gave me any dierection, and nothing was where it was supposed to be. — Marisha Pessl

Go out, get wasted, bang a bimbo. — Natasha Anders

Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don't drag down my country's statistics just because you ran off and got hitched before you ever saw each other in a bad mood. — Stephen Colbert

The human brain comprises 70% water, which means it's a similar consistency to tofu. Picture that for a second - a blob of tofu the size and shape of a brain. Now imagine taking that piece of tofu, and forcing your thumbs into it hard. It would burst wouldn't it?
Okay, now imagine those thumbs weren't thumbs but thumb-shaped pieces of bad news. And there weren't two of them, they were about half a dozen. Imagine you were forcing all six pieces of bad news - a divorce, multiple career snubs, accusations from the family of a dead celebrity, estranged kids, borderline homelessness, that kind of thing - into a piece of tofu.
With me? Good. Now imagine it's not tofu, but a human brain. And they're not pieces of bad news but six human thumbs. That's what happened to me. In 2001, my brain had half a dozen thumbs pushed into it. — Alan Partridge

If a tree falls in the forest and kills your ex-wife, what do you do with the lumber? — Neil S. Plakcy

Marriage is a blast. Like a bomb. — Julieanne O'Connor

When you're corked...you're corked! — Cheryl Nielsen

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much." — Frank Carson

Divorce runs high these days, but I'm an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular. — Bauvard

If she'd kept up her AAA membership, she would have called them, but after the divorce, she'd had to cut some things out. Roadside assistance was one of them. Aargh. — Melody Snow Monroe

Life - with or without softener- is hard — Kate Papas

He's half my ex-husband's age, but twice as energetic when we have sex. And twice as grateful afterwards. — Barbara Taylor Bradford

Disagreements over money are the biggest cause of divorce."
She waved her hand. "Absolutely no problem. Your money is our money. My money is my money." She wrote away.
"I should make you negotiate with Phoebe. — Susan Elizabeth Phillips

It won't be whiskey, won't be meth
It'll be your name on my last breath
If divorce or death ever do us part
The coroner will call it a broken heart — The Band Perry

You and I both know that love is for children,' he said. 'We're adults. Compatibility is for adults.'
'Compatibility is for my Bluetooth and my car,' Teresa replied. 'Only they get along just fine, and my car never makes my bluetooth feel like shit. — Maggie Stiefvater

Divorce is not always a doorway to happiness. The same can be said about marriage. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife — Shelley Winters

It's hard to imagine, seeing all of us breathing yet one day each of us shall be gone, leaving memories. — Auliq Ice

For five years I didn't think it was possible to be this happy.
But then he forgot all those promises he made. He forgot why he loved me. He simply stopped loving me.

And this is how he did it:
He stopped talking to me unless I spoke to him.
He stopped holding my hand.
He stopped kissing me good night.
He stopped kissing me good morning.
He stopped kissing me.
He stopped smiling at me.
He stopped laughing.
He stopped bathing and showering with me.
He stopped wanting me.
He started swearing at me.
He started lying to me.
He started cheating on me.
He hurt me.
And then he told me he was in love with another woman and wanted a divorce.
Oh, I forgot. He said he was sorry.

I wanted to blow his fucking brains out. — Terry McMillan

There's life after divorce, Sarah,' my father proclaimed, not that he'd ever been divorced. — Claire Cook

Does speed dating necessarily end up in a quickie divorce ... ? — Josh Stern

Love is not a landmine but a sinkhole. — Auliq Ice

Why does every flight attendant seem like they are going through a divorce? — Natasha Leggero

Bernard: ... By the way, Valentina, do you want credit? - 'the game book recently discovered by.'?
Valentine: It was never lost, Bernard.
Bernard: 'As recently pointed out by.' I don't normally like giving credit where it's due, but with scholarly articles as with divorce, there is a certain cachet in citing a member of the aristocracy. I'll pop it in ad lib for the lecture, and give you a mention in the press release. How's that?
Valentine: Very kind. — Tom Stoppard

Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that 'You' are not worth him/her. — Honeya

you're not dead-you're dormant. — Cheryl Nielsen

The groom should not see you in the dress just before the wedding, that's bad luck. You know what's worst luck? Is getting married, itself. I've read studies. It's like 2 out of 3 of those end in divorce, sometimes more. 3 out of 2, some. — Hank Moody

Until-as often happened during those first months travel, whenever I would feel such happiness-my guilt alarm went off. I heard my ex-husband's voice speaking disdainfully in my ear: So this is what you gave up everything for? This is why you gutted our entire life together? For a few stalks of asparagus and an Italian newspaper?
I replied aloud to him: "First of all," I said, "I'm very sorry, but this isn't your business anymore. And secondly, to answer you question ... yes. — Elizabeth Gilbert

I tilt my head and ask "What firsts have we
already passed?"
"The easy ones," he says. "First hug, first date, first fight, first time we slept together,
although I wasn't the one sleeping. Now we barely have any left. First kiss. First time to
sleep together when we're both actually awake. First marriage. First kid. We're done
after that. Our lives will become mundane and boring and I'll have to divorce you and
marry a wife who's twenty years younger than me so I can have a lot more firsts and
you'll be stuck raising the kids." He bring his hand to my cheek and smile at me. "So you
see, babe? I'm only doing this for your benefit. The longer I wait to kiss you, the longer
it'll be before I'm forced to leave you high and dry. — Colleen Hoover

The main causes for divorce
are marriages. — A.J. Beirens

Hold the bottle up to the light; you will see your dreams are always at the bottom. — Rob Hutchison

His Grace called Virginius in and said: "Do you think a priest of the Anglican Communion should be a divorced man with two wives living?" That's the way he talks. And do you know what Virginius said? He said: "Your Grace, if it weren't for divorce, there wouldn't be an Anglican Communion. — Florence King

Colby better not bring me home Bambi, or I just might want to divorce him — Jody Morse

I became one of those annoying people who always say Ciao! Only I was extra annoying, since I would always explain where the word ciao comes from. (If you must know, it's an abbreviation of a phrase used by medieval Venetians as an intimate salutation: Sono il suo schiavo! Meaning: "I am your slave!") Just speaking these words made me feel sexy and happy. My divorce lawyer told me not to worry; she said she had one client (Korean by heritage) who, after a yucky divorce, legally changed her name to something Italian, just to feel sexy and happy again. — Elizabeth Gilbert

Daddy is jive talking
and showering the stripper
Mommy is sleepwalking
while changing baby's diaper — Casey Renee Kiser

Maybe part of find what you wanted was recognizing what you didn't want. Maybe there was hope for me yet. — Claire Cook

WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING?! Oh, right.$1500."
From "Clown Porn" in "Broken Headbone — Ginny McMath

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. — Groucho Marx