Diller Phyllis Quotes & Sayings

I was always a fan of the old-style comics. I loved vaudeville. I loved Milton Berle, Dick Shawn, Phyllis Diller, Don Rickles, Charlie Callas, all those guys. Hilarious. I love the Bing Crosby and Bob Hope movies, and Abbott & Costello. My television influences were 'Monty Python's Flying Circus,' 'Benny Hill,' and 'Hee Haw.' — Larry The Cable Guy

If they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year. — Phyllis Diller

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. — Phyllis Diller

The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours. We were not created by a deity. We created the deity in OUR image. Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE. — Phyllis Diller

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream
I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one. — Phyllis Diller

Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus. — Phyllis Diller

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake. — Phyllis Diller

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age. — Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. — Phyllis Diller

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish. — Phyllis Diller

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo. — Phyllis Diller

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy. — Phyllis Diller

Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it. — Phyllis Diller

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are. — Phyllis Diller

This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball. — Phyllis Diller

Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink. — Phyllis Diller

I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on. — Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. — Phyllis Diller

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan. — Phyllis Diller

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door. — Phyllis Diller

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it. — Phyllis Diller

Comedy is tragedy revisited. — Phyllis Diller

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. — Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all. — Phyllis Diller

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing. — Phyllis Diller

My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car. — Phyllis Diller

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest. — Phyllis Diller

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors! — Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. — Phyllis Diller

I've buried a lot of my laundry in the back yard. — Phyllis Diller

It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister. — Phyllis Diller

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do. — Phyllis Diller

My timing is so precise a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in. — Phyllis Diller

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush. — Phyllis Diller

Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth. — Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. — Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. — Phyllis Diller

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on. — Phyllis Diller

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right. — Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. — Phyllis Diller

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head. — Phyllis Diller

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have! — Phyllis Diller

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour. — Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. — Phyllis Diller

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. — Phyllis Diller

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows. — Phyllis Diller

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do. — Phyllis Diller

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown. — Phyllis Diller

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop ... and that was for the estimate. — Phyllis Diller

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls. — Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. — Phyllis Diller

Get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one. — Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets things right. — Phyllis Diller

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best. — Phyllis Diller

There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money. — Phyllis Diller

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren. — Phyllis Diller

I don't want to sound like I'm on dope, but that hour is a high; it's as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power. — Phyllis Diller

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles. — Phyllis Diller

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor ... I was committed! — Phyllis Diller

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in. — Phyllis Diller

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers. — Phyllis Diller

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet. — Phyllis Diller

E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, You look weird. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss. — Phyllis Diller

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped. — Phyllis Diller

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him. — Phyllis Diller

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband. — Phyllis Diller

I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed." — Phyllis Diller

My father used to call me the laughing hyena. — Phyllis Diller

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to. — Phyllis Diller

Growing up, my two favorite books were Woody Allen's 'Side Effects' and Phyllis Diller's 'Housekeeping Hints.' I carried that Phyllis Diller book with me everywhere when I was in fifth or sixth grade. Eventually, it just fell apart. — Jill Davis

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. — Phyllis Diller

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing. — Phyllis Diller

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs. — Phyllis Diller

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture. — Phyllis Diller

I don't know how you feel about old age ... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear. — Phyllis Diller

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along. — Phyllis Diller

I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio. — Phyllis Diller

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit. — Phyllis Diller

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody. — Phyllis Diller

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions. — Phyllis Diller

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day. — Phyllis Diller

I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one. — Phyllis Diller

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch. — Phyllis Diller

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce. — Phyllis Diller

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home. — Phyllis Diller

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit! — Phyllis Diller

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. — Phyllis Diller

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight. — Phyllis Diller

When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests. — Phyllis Diller

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves. — Phyllis Diller

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down. — Phyllis Diller

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in. — Phyllis Diller

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him. — Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? — Phyllis Diller

If I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular. — Phyllis Diller

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes. — Phyllis Diller

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought. — Phyllis Diller

I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it. — Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. — Phyllis Diller