Detective Funny Quotes & Sayings

I was so high, I needed a stepladder to scratch my own ass. — Kinky Friedman

Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?" — Bill Bailey

This is Tez Jones," I said. "He's a police detective from Tampa."
"Oh, my," said Martha, blinking up at him. "Is something wrong?"
"Nope," said Tez, grinning at her and offering a saucy wink. "I'm just the boyfriend."
"Well, then." She sized him up, and nodded."It's about time Elizabeth found someone who deserved her."
"I worship at her dainty feet. — Michele Bardsley

Then this," Grimm said, "is what I believe professional inquisitors refer to as a clue."
"In my considered judgment as an occasional inquisitor for the Spirearch," Benedict said, "I believe you may be correct. — Jim Butcher

Grace shivered even though it was hot out, because that's what detectives do in detective books. — Ella Minster

Jail's are a spooky place," remarked Bill, trying to match the pace of detective Adam.

"Oh that is nothing in front of the ultimate fear" replied detective Adam.

"Ultimate fear?"

"Funny thing that, the ultimate fear is also the ultimate relief."

"Which is?"

"Death — Rao Umar Javed

Val had a horrific image of Lisa peering through a magnifying glass like a grotesquely teenybopper version of Nancy Drew - in jeggings. — Nenia Campbell

Honey, what's the Detective doing here?"

"Tag, you never told me Wayne was so funny!"

"Wayne?"

"That's me. Most detectives also have first names. — Jules Cassard

I didn't do anything," Scott protested. "Breaking and entering is nothing?" Detective Basso echoed. "Funny, the law disagrees. — Becca Fitzpatrick

This is really good," Donovan Caine said, attacking his third strawberry pancake. "You sound surprised," I said. He shrugged. "I just didn't think an assassin would be able to cook like this." "Well, I do get lots of practice with knives. You could say I'm multitasking." The detective froze, his fork halfway to his mouth. "I'm kidding. I enjoy cooking. It relaxes me. — Jennifer Estep

I'm gonna ask ye ladies a question, and I bloody expect to be answered," he growled. "Who's the scoundrel been doin' some unwanted rootin' of yer cunts for pay? — Bey Deckard

Follow my lead, Miss Rook," Jackaby said, rapping on the ornately trimmed door to 1206 Campbell Street. Were my employer a standard private investigator, those might have been simple instructions, but in the time I've been his assistant, I've found very little about Jackaby to be standard. Following his lead tends to call for a somewhat flexible relationship with reality. — William Ritter

You be sure to throw the book at him, you hear me? I feel violated, Detective. Violated."
"I'll throw this table at you if you don't give us the names we're looking for. — Derek Landy

It is ridiculous to set a detective story in New York City. New York City is itself a detective story. — Agatha Christie

I came across a man in Belgium once, a very famous detective, and he quite inflamed me. He was a marvellous little fellow. He used to say that all good detective work was a mere matter of method. My system is based on his - though of course I have progressed rather further. He was a funny little man, a great dandy, but wonderfully clever. — Agatha Christie

Lou, honey, I'll buy you a new pair of shoes if you'll stop flashing your panties at everyone sitting across the room from us. You are wearing panties, right?
I glance up and across at Stefan. His words register a moment later and my head swivels toward the other side of the room. There are a number of people staring at me. One of them is Detective Terry Shay. Or I think it is. He's not looking directly at me. He's looking up my skirt — Ronda Thompson

I remember watching 'Colombo' a lot with my dad. That was one of the first detective shows I remember watching. And I remember my dad turning to me - my dad loves to turn to me and explain why things are funny. He used to do that with 'Seinfeld' all the time. He did it with 'Colombo', too, set the scene. — Stephanie Beatriz

I am Detective Inspector Me. This is my partner, Detective Her."
The traffic warden frowned. "Her?"
"Me," said Stephanie.
"Him?"
"Not me," said Skulduggery. "Her."
"Me," said Stephanie.
"You?" said the traffic warden.
"Yes," said Stephanie.
"I'm sorry, who are you?"
Stephanie looked at him. "I'm Her, he's Me. Got it? — Derek Landy

Felicity Shaw," she says and sticks out a hand. Her suit is paler today but no less severe. "You look like you're feeling a little bit better, Detective." "Thank you," I say. "Fresh air and exercise. Drugs and doctors. All that." She doesn't smile. I think Swann would have smiled at that. Which I hope makes me funny and not Swann a woman with a terrible sense of humor. Could go either way on that one, though. — Jonathan Wood

Dana was what Steve called a "silent partner" in the Brixton Brothers Detective Agency. Being a silent partner meant that Dana didn't carry a business card, that his name didn't appear on the company letterhead, and he wanted nothing to do with the Brixton Brothers Detective Agency. — Mac Barnett

You think batting your lashes is going to get you out of this?"

"Of course not. You're a married man, detective. — M. Kane