Dessert Humor Quotes & Sayings

If God had wanted me to lose weight he would have made sure there was creamed spinach for dessert. — Janet Evanovich

Dessert doesn't count if you're sharing someone else's. — Elizabeth Jane Howard

Then I am a cancer-fighting machine," I told him. "That you are, Hazel. — John Green

08/14/1025h. Dessert Competitions.
08/14/1315h. Illinois State Fair Infirmary; then motel; then Springfield Memorial Medical Center Emergency Room for distention and possible rupture of transverse colon (false alarm); then motel; incapacitated till well after sunset; whole day a washout; incredibly embarrassing, unprofessional; indescribable. Delete entire day. — David Foster Wallace

That night, when SanJuanna had cleared the main course and brought dessert in, my mother called for quiet and said,
"Boys, I have an announcement to make. Your sister made the apple pies tonight. I'm sure we will all enjoy them very much."
"Can I learn how, ma'am?" said Jim Bowie.
"No, J.B. Boys don't bake pies," Mother said.
"Why not?" he said.
"They have wives who make pies for them."
"But I don't have a wife."
"Darling, I'm sure you will have a very nice one someday when you're older, and she'll make you many pies. Calpurnia, would you care to serve?"
Was there any way I could have a wife, too? I wondered as I cut through the browned C and promptly shattered the entire crust. — Jacqueline Kelly

We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie. — David Mamet

Life is short. Eat dessert first
-Wendy Mass, Jeremy Fink And The Meaning Of Life — Wendy Mass

If you've got a guitar and a lot of soul, just bang something out and mean it. You're the superstar. — Krist Novoselic

So, you just have to keep pushing yourself with regards to the choices you make, to make sure they're very different from one another, I suppose. I don't know. I don't have any answer for any of that. I can't help but just say yes to lots of work that comes my way because I'm so relieved and so desperately excited and pleased that anyone could possibly offer me any work anyway. — Dominic Cooper

There is no bottom to the cake. I'm digging through the kind of soil that supports rhododendrons: it's that dark. — Joanna Walsh

The press, the pulpit, and the stage, Conspire to censure and expose our age. — Wentworth Dillon, 4th Earl Of Roscommon

Sure I eat my feelings, but I save the emotional roller coaster for dessert — Josh Stern

Like this book, the dictionary shows you that the word "nervous" means "worried about something"
you might feel nervous, for instance, if you were served prune ice cream for dessert, because you would be worried that it would taste awful
whereas the word "anxious" means "troubled by disturbing suspense," which you might feel if you were served a live alligator for dessert, because you would be troubled by the disturbing suspense about whether you would eat your dessert or it would eat you. — Lemony Snicket

If you don't believe that the world has a heart, then you won't hear it beating, you won't think it's alive and you won't consider what you're doing to it. — Charles De Lint

If the second date seems to be going well, it's pretty much a given that by dessert I'll renounce my faith — Josh Stern

If that's the case, waiter, please bring me another piece of cake," Gramps said as lunch was brought to the table, "I'm all for fighting tyranny and oppression. — E.A. Bucchianeri

I know one thing about the place I came from,' I say. 'We didn't eat dessert.'

'Then you came from a horrible and backward place and must stay here out of self-preservation. — Josin L. McQuein

Sally and Chava eat only raw vegetables for lunch because they are trying to lose weight. Then they split a pack of Entenmann's doughnuts for dessert. — Leila Sales

Darn kids! That's it, no dessert after dinner! And if you eat my flowers again it will be an early bed time! — K.M. Shea

You need a place just a click over middle range. Don't want to go all-out first time, but you don't want to run on the cheap either. You want atmosphere, but not stuffy. A nice established place."
"Bob, you're going to give me an ulcer."
"This is all ammunition, Cart. All ammo. You want to be able to order a nice bottle of wine. Oh, and after dinner, if she says how she doesn't want dessert, you suggest she pick one and you'll split it. Women love that. Sharing dessert's sexy. Do not go on and on about your job over dinner. Certain death. Get her to talk about hers, and what she likes to do. Then - "
"Should I be writing this down? — Nora Roberts

Maybe now and then if it's absolutely necessary to cushion someone from a world gone too harsh and bitter. — Robert James Waller

That dress ... was a very, very good decision. I could write an entire poem on the virtues of your legs alone. You are a feast for the senses." I laughed. "I don't know about a feast. Maybe just an hors d'oeuvre." He took my hand and wrapped it around his arm. "Not an hors d'oeuvre. The dessert. And I plan to spoil my appetite. — Colleen Houck

Three's a crowd, babe," he responded.
Warren leaned his mouth close to the microphone. "I heard that. You're not allowed to call her babe, Nate."
"Hi, Warren," Nathan said. "Sloan, let me know how it goes." He raised his voice. "Maybe you can come over when you get back and tell me about it over dinner and a bottle of wine!"
"I'll bring the dessert!" Warren replied.
I rolled my eyes. — Elicia Hyder

I even get inspired by movies that aren't very good, because there's always something good in movies that are collectively thought of as a failure. There's good in everything, I find. — Steven Spielberg

I have never lost a total passion for my work. — Jack Lemmon

Eventually, mercifully, the waitress prised the spoons out of our hands and took the dessert stuff away, and we were able to stumble zombielike out into the night. — Bill Bryson

You climb only because the mountain allows it. If it says wait, then you must wait, and when it allows you to go, then you must struggle and strain in the thin air with all your might. Listening to the mountain and having patience on it are the keys to survival. — Bear Grylls

If I am not making music, I have no reason for existing. — Claude Debussy

When oranges came in, a curious proceeding was gone through. Miss Jenkyns did not like to cut the fruit, for, as she observed, the juice all ran out nobody knew where, sucking [only I think she used some more recondite word] was in fact the only way of enjoying oranges; but then there was the unpleasant association with a ceremony frequently gone through by little babies; and so, after dessert, in orange season, Miss Jenkyns and Miss Matty used to rise up, possess themselves each of an orange in silence, and withdraw to the privacy of their own rooms to indulge in sucking oranges. — Elizabeth Gaskell

What I'd truly been avoiding was love, the strongest binding there is, and the pain that scrapes at your insides when the bond is forcefully broken. — Kevin Hearne

For a beverage, you asked for some "cherry-assed Kool Aid." Okay, now you're just adding "assed" in places where it doesn't even make sense. Regardless, we will fulfill your request for Cherry Kool-Aid. However, Halle Berry will not be pouring it from her mouth into yours.
For dessert, you asked for your mother's homemade peach cobbler. It is highly unorthodox for someone other than the prison kitchen staff to prepare a final meal. Also, you killed her about eight years ago, remember? So you'll have to settle for Hostess. — Colin Nissan

It could have been worse. He could have said he wasn't a 'dessert person' and then I would have been forced to jump out of a moving car. — Saba Kapur

Consider this argument another wedge served from the malodorous pie known as "My way is Right," the dessert of choice for politicians, religious leaders, and warring pastry chefs. — Jeff Deck

A society that forgets about art risks loslng its soul. — Camille Paglia

She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian! — Bill Watterson