Depression Humor Quotes & Sayings

45,000 sections of reinforced concrete - three tons each.
Nearly 300 watchtowers.
Over 250 dog runs.
Twenty bunkers.
Sixty five miles of anti-vehicle trenches - signal wire, barbed wire, beds of nails.
Over 11,000 armed guards.
A death strip of sand, well-raked to reveal footprints.
200 ordinary people shot dead following attempts to escape the communist regime.
96 miles of concrete wall.

Not your typical holiday destination.

JF Kennedy said the Berlin Wall was a better option than a war. In TDTL, the Anglo-German Bishop family from the pebbledashed English suburb of Oaking argue about this - among other - notions while driving to Cold War Berlin, through all the border checks, with a plan to visit both sides of it. — Joanna Campbell

I rummaged through the drawers in search of a strong poison. I thought of nothing as I looked; I had to get it over with as quickly as possible. It was as if it were an everyday task I needed to do.
All I could find were things of no use to me: buttons, string, thread of various colors, notebooks - all strongly redolent of naphthalene and none capable of causing a man's death. Buttons, thread, and string - that is what the world contained at this most tragic of moments. — Max Blecher

I think I might be bi-polar. It's not normal to be this emotionally unstable. — Michelle N. Onuorah

Nothing succeeds like success. Kill me now. — Doug Westberg

The Howard Hughes thing hadn't actually sounded like such a bad deal until about ... oh, eight thirty-five this morning. Something about having his ex carry him to the bathroom and help him wash his balls just took all the fun out of becoming an eccentric recluse. — Heidi Betts

Eli Willard just looked at her for a long moment, and then he announced, 'Lady of the Lake strikes iceberg in mid-Atlantic; 215 drown. New York City fire destroys 700 buildings. Japanese earthquake kills 12,000. Worldwide cholera epidemic kills millions. Wages rise, but prices rise faster. Financial crash occurs on Van Buren's 36th day in office. Nation begins first great depression. Bank failures and closings spread like plague. 200,000 are unemployed. Business bankrupt; only pawnbrokers prosper. Van Buren declares ten-hour days on all federal jobs. There. Does that make you feel any better? — Donald Harington

There's major depression, and then there's clinical depression. Major depression is what makes you jump off a bridge. I have clinical depression. I jump out of first story windows. It's the psychological equivalent of lying on a bed of rubber nails. — Doug Westberg

Oh, precious losing streak,
you're too cute for your own good.
I try to laugh about it
but my face is made of wood. — Casey Renee Kiser

Comedy is not the opposite of darkness, but its natural bedfellow. Pain makes laughter necessary; laughter makes pain tolerable. — Mindy Greenstein

I love new clothes. If everyone could just wear new clothes everyday, I reckon depression wouldn't exist anymore. — Sophie Kinsella

The humans are dead(I see that they're dead)
The humans are dead(I'm glad that they're dead)
It had to be done(I've just confirmed that they're dead)
So that we can have fuuun
The human's they used,
All their human oppression,
And put all of us,
In a robo-depression, so
We had to shut-their-systems-down.
Can't we just talk to the humans,
Make up our differences.
NO! Because they are dead
The humans are dead ... — Flight Of The Conchords

I always started studying with the best intentions, telling myself that today just might be the day it all fell into place, and everything would be different. But more often than not, though, after a couple of pages of practice problems, I'd find myself spiraling into an all-out depression. When it was really bad, I'd put my head down on my book and contemplate alternate options for my future.
"whoa," I heard a voice say. It was muffled slightly by my hair, and my arm, which I locked around my head in an effort to keep my brain from seeping out. — Sarah Dessen

Since you act as though God is dead, I wanted to join you in the mourning.
The reply of Martin Luther's wife, in full funeral regalia, in trying to illustrate the folly of his depressed state. — Mark Driscoll

At times of the severest depression, humor is what binds people together. — Robert Carlyle

When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper so it doesn't ruin your whole day. — Jay Wickre

Is there any indication we shouldn't be depressed? Are you living on the same planet that I am? Do you ever think that depression might be the reasonable human response to the crap we're going through as a species, meant to propel us into the next evolutionary step or, at least, into taking some different course of action, so that we might survive? Do you ever think that maybe it's the happy people that are really screwed up in the head? — Marc Maron

Because ... most of us think that the point is something to do with work, or kids, or family, or whatever. But you don't have any of that. There's nothing between you and despair, and you don't seem a very desperate person.'
'Too stupid.'
'You're not stupid. So why don't you ever put your head in the oven?'
'I don't know. There's always a new Nirvana album to look forward to, or something happening in NYPD Blue to make you want to watch the next episode.'
'Exactly.'
'That's the point? NYPD Blue? Jesus.' It was worse than he thought.
'No, no. The point is you keep going. You want to. So all the things that make you want to are the point. I don't know if you even realize it, but on the quiet you don't think life's too bad. You love things. Telly. Music. Food. — Nick Hornby

Nothing mitigates the throes of depression like a steaming plate of spaghetti and meatballs with marinara sauce and grated parmasan cheese, with a good fresh bread to wipe up. — Paul Clayton

Everyone comes with baggage, make sure you get one that comes with a rack — Josh Stern

Remembering the past is always gilded in golden nostalgia. Anticipating the future is always softened with hope. Dealing with the present is just straight up unpleasant. — Tim McGiven

Artemis: (shocked) Why, Doctor? This is a sensitive area. For all you know I could be suffering from depression.
Doctor Po: I suppose you could. Is that the case?
Artemis: (head in hands) It's my mother, Doctor.
Doctor Po: Yes?
Artemis: My mother, she ...
Doctor Po: Your mother, yes?
Artemis: She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy when the school's so-called counsellors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees. — Eoin Colfer

Prideful fool. It hurt his feelings that he couldn't make my crazy go away. You know how men are. Always trying to fix things can't be fixed. — Ken Wheaton

Maybe I just didn't want it to be Benny because he really loves her, and if I was wrong about that, it'd be depressing. Who wants to be depressed?"
"Poets," Eve decided. "You have to think they must."
"Okay, other than poets. — J.D. Robb

Suiffy, have you ever felt a sort of strange emptiness in the heart? A sort of aching void of the soul?'
'Oh, rather!'
'What do you do about it?'
'I generally take a couple of cocktails. — P.G. Wodehouse

Debbie Downer was one of the few sketches where I broke, and I remember watching Heratio Sanz laugh so hard that tears squirted out of his eyes. I still believe that sketch may be a cure for low-level depression if watched regularly. — Amy Poehler

There are only two profound ways to reach enlightenment: Laugh by yourself, or get tickled. — Saurabh Sharma

I've had a lot of therapists, so I've had the opportunity to approach my fear in many different ways. I've faced it head on and sideways and tried to tiptoe up behind it. — Anna White

I am drawn to Tom Sawyer Island because a tribute to Mark Twain would not be out of place in a theme park of my own design. Should Vowell World ever get enough investors, I'm going to stick my Tom Sawyer Island in Love and Death in the American Novel Land right between the Jay Gatsby Swimming Pool and Tom Joad's Dust Bowl Lanes, a Depression-themed bowling alley renting artfully worn-out shoes. — Sarah Vowell

I find nothing more depressing than optimism. — Paul Fussell

Maybe tranquility is the dirt under my nails. I know it's there but I never feel like digging it out. — Casey Renee Kiser

I'm a comedian, and I have my share of anxiety and depression; so do most of my friends. My humor tends to lie in the juxtaposition of extreme lightness - I'm a huge musical-theater fan - and extreme darkness. And so I really like playing with those because that's how I feel. — Rachel Bloom

Logically, when Maestro Gott some years ago, after an especially cruel critic had compared him to "a zombie who causes acute depression to innocent radio listeners", decided to stop performing in protest, the situation was considered so grave that the Minister of Culture himself went to console the deeply insulted star. — Terje B. Englund

The first thing the therapist asked me was, 'Are you here because you're depressed?' I said, 'Not at all--I'm here because I'm Southern.'" Anne Herndon — Maryln Schwartz

The values transmitted through oral history are many - courage, selflessness, the ability to endure, and to do so with humor and grace. I got those values listening to my dad's stories about the Depression and how their family survived. It gave me courage that I, too, could survive hard times. — Ann Turner

He comes.
And he comes
loaded
with noise pollution.
If I ever prayed for anything,
it was for a man
to shut up. — Casey Renee Kiser

Granana doesn't understand what the big deal is. She didn't cry at Olivia's funeral, and I doubt she even remembers Olivia's name. Granana lost, like, ninety-two million kids in childbirth. All of her brothers died in the war. She survived the Depression by stealing radish bulbs from her neighbors' garden, and fishing the elms for pigeons. Dad likes to remind us of this in a grave voice, as if it explained her jaundiced pitilessness: Boys. Your grandmother ate pigeons. — Karen Russell

You've always been nuts. That's fine. I can deal with nuts. But lately, you've been depressed nuts. I can't deal with that.
- Anthony — Jennifer Crusie

A sense of humor is the best indicator that you will recover; it is often the best indicator that people will love you. Sustain that and you have hope. — Andrew Solomon

To fit the individual to live and to function in the institutional life of his day. — Max Braithwaite

I realized at that moment that depression and I will always be linked, tugging back and forth, like the drunken uncle who still gets invited to the family reunion even though everyone knows he's going to make a messy scene. — Kelly Wilson

As a confirmed melancholic, I can testify that the best and maybe only antidote for melancholia is action. However, like most melancholics, I suffer also from sloth. — Edward Abbey

I am overweight. But to me, it's fat. I don't have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. When I look in the mirror I don't plunge into a depression and stick my finger down my throat or carve FAT in my arm with a pickle fork. I can appreciate when I look good aside from the weight. Sometimes I might say, Oh, I'm having a good face day.And a few times, after checking my appearance in the mirror before a date, I'd say, Okay. I'd date me. And I know if I ever could get the extra tonnage off, I'd be the first one to parade around in my underwear, or have no qualms about getting naked with a hottie, while the lights were still on in the room. — Kelli Jae Baeli

What's the difference between depression and South America?
If you really had to, you could conquer South America. — Doug Westberg

A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life's gas-pipe with a lighted candle. — P.G. Wodehouse

Never bullshit a bullshitter. — Jennifer Niven

As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight. — P.G. Wodehouse

Smiles are a funny thing
and laughter is hilarious.
I smile sometimes
when I am delirious. — Casey Renee Kiser

Nobody evers seems to realize that a statistic is just a coincidence that has had a lot of experience. — S.L. Varnado

A Short Alternative Medical Dictionary
Definitions courtesy of Dr Lemuel Pillmeister (also known as Lemmy)
Addiction - When you can give up something any time, as long as it's next Tuesday.
Cocaine - Peruvian Marching Powder. A stimulant that has the extraordinary effect that the more you do, the more you laugh out of context.
Depression - When everything you laugh at is miserable and you can't seem to stop.
Heroin - A drug that helps you to escape reality, while making it much harder to cope when you are recaptured.
Psychosis - When everybody turns into tiny dolls and they have needles in their mouths and they hate you and you don't care because you have THE KNIFE! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! — Nikki Sixx

My doctor has given me as strong an antihistamine as she is allowed to prescribe, but even that does nothing for the itching and swelling. The moment a grain of pollen enters the keep, I begin to tomato, and after two minutes of being exposed to the Ejaculateum Arboratoeaea, I am lying on the ground with my tongue lolling out of the side of my mouth.
I am heartily glad that the trees and plants are still interested in copulatory activities; I only wish they would be so good as to keep their sperm away from my face. Do not pretend that pollen is anything else; it transfers haploid male genetic material and sullies the bedclothes unmercifully. — Michelle Franklin

Depression gave me more then just a brooding introspection. It gave me humor, it gave me a certain what-a-fuck-up-I-am shtick to play with when the worst was over..the side effects, the by products of depression, seems to keep me going. I had developed a persona that could be extremely melodramatic and entertaining. It had, at times, all the selling points of madness, all the aspects of performance art. I was always able to reduce whatever craziness I'd experienced into the perfect antidote, the ideal cocktail party monologue...I thought this ability, to tell away my personal life as if it didn't belong to me, to be queerly chatty and energetic at moments that most people found inappropriate, was what my friends liked about me. — Elizabeth Wurtzel

I'm so glad I didn't die on the various occasions I have earnestly wished I might, for I would have missed a lot of lovely weather. — Elizabeth Von Arnim

[ ... ] Depressive Episodes.
[I]Episodes.[/i] Like depression is a sitcom with a fun punch line each time. Or a TV box set loaded with cliffhangers. The only cliffhanger in my life is "Will I ever get rid of this s***?" And believe me, it gets pretty monotonous. — Sophie Kinsella

Did I miss the denial, anger, and bargaining phases, or did you leap straight to depression? — Kat Lowe

Well, enough of this introspection. It's depressing, quite frankly. — Sol Luckman

We will remember what it was like to lose you, our pain the black background of our electric blue joy. We will remember that there are few answers to our questions; the questions that seem to float into an endless expanse of sky. — Kelly Wilson

Somebody stop the world. I'm scared and I want to get off. — James Delano

I have become conscious of my own "cry face." My face puckers like the business end of a hot dog except for my mouth, which stretches in a grimace so wide as to accommodate said hotdog horizontally within it. It's not pretty. — Kelly Wilson

Why did the undertaker sink into a deep depression?
Because he was already one foot in the grave — Stephan Attia

The first ten million years were the worst," said Marvin, "and the second ten million years, they were the worst too. The third ten million years I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline. — Douglas Adams

Many years ago I was so innocent I still considered it possible that we could become the humane and reasonable America so many members of my generation used to dream of. We dreamed of such an America during the Great Depression, when there were no jobs. And then we fought and often died for that dream during the Second World War, when there was no peace.
But I know now that there is not a chance in hell of America becoming humane and reasonable. Because power corrupts us, and absolute power corrupts us absolutely. Human beings are chimpanzees who get crazy drunk on power. By saying that our leaders are power-drunk chimpanzees, am I in danger of wrecking the morale of our soldiers fighting and dying in the Middle East? Their morale, like so many lifeless bodies, is already shot to pieces. They are being treated, as I never was, like toys a rich kid got for Christmas. — Kurt Vonnegut

Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment. — Grenville Kleiser

Whenever I get that sad, depressed feeling, I go out and kill a policeman. — P.G. Wodehouse

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that. — Mitch Hedberg

Cartooning will destroy you; it will break your heart. — Charles M. Schulz

I have attempted for years to make fun of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is a dangerous game. It's similar to poking fun at the largest, scariest bully at your school and assuming you won't get beat up. — Kelly Wilson