Demetri Quotes & Sayings

I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that. — Demetri Martin

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.' — Demetri Martin

My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued. — Demetri Martin

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket. — Demetri Martin

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples. — Demetri Martin

It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun ... ladies. — Demetri Martin

Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake. — Demetri Martin

curiosity in this place was as dangerous as it was essential."- A Mirror Among Shattered Glass. — Romarin Demetri

After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term 'happily ever after' lived reasonably well for a while. — Demetri Martin

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know. — Demetri Martin

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable. — Demetri Martin

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny. — Demetri Martin

Conclusions are based in time. We live in time. So any definition of success is bound up with time. With other things you can say, "Can I yo-yo? Can I juggle?" Usually you have a pretty small window in which to get your answer. Stand-up is different. You can't do stand-up for one night and say, "Am I a funny stand-up comedian?" In two months or two years you'll start to realize it. — Demetri Martin

When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here. — Demetri Martin

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out. — Demetri Martin

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.' — Demetri Martin

I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front. — Demetri Martin

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus. — Demetri Martin

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!" — Demetri Martin

I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny ... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things. — Demetri Martin

I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.' — Demetri Martin

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home. — Demetri Martin

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. — Demetri Martin

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something. — Demetri Martin

Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information. — Demetri Martin

You need an audience to help you figure out what's working and what's worth putting on your album or your special - or even just what's worth touring with. — Demetri Martin

If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are. — Demetri Martin

To be creative, first I need to be really organized. If my apartment's messy I need to clean it. It's like before you start doing your homework or studying for a test, you have to have a clean room. — Demetri Martin

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please. — Demetri Martin

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. — Demetri Martin

If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher. — Demetri Martin

Love is, and I hope it never isn't. — Demetri Martin

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says, 'go outside'. — Demetri Martin

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably. — Demetri Martin

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital. — Demetri Martin

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.' — Demetri Martin

I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay. — Demetri Martin

It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt. — Demetri Martin

I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad. — Demetri Martin

I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation. — Demetri Martin

I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I'm not doing song parodies or funny songs, I'm just adding some music to my words. So it's limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable. — Demetri Martin

The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy. — Demetri Martin

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association. — Demetri Martin

Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time. — Demetri Martin

Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say ... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of ... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like ... after "I love you" ... or "You're going to live" ... or "It's a boy! — Demetri Martin

I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear? — Demetri Martin

Clowns have no respect for pie. — Demetri Martin

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them. — Demetri Martin

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins. — Demetri Martin

Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname. — Demetri Martin

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying. — Demetri Martin

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often. — Demetri Martin

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's. — Demetri Martin

It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single. — Demetri Martin

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you. — Demetri Martin

Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle. — Demetri Martin

Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries ... They Die. — Demetri Martin

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them. — Demetri Martin

Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!" She got all mad at me. I was like, "I'm on your side here." — Demetri Martin

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. — Demetri Martin

A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets. — Demetri Martin

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. — Demetri Martin

Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean? — Demetri Martin

At the battle of the bands the loser's always the audience. — Demetri Martin

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'. — Demetri Martin

I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world. — Demetri Martin

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion. — Demetri Martin

If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.' — Demetri Martin

The sofa is the enemy of productivity. — Demetri Martin

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home. — Demetri Martin

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. — Demetri Martin

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it ... so I just added "ish" to every number. — Demetri Martin

Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets. — Demetri Martin

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep. — Demetri Martin

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes. — Demetri Martin

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy. — Demetri Martin

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry. — Demetri Martin

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby. — Demetri Martin

Demetri: I won't abandon you. I'm sure as hell not going to listen to you, and you can damn well know that I'm going to fight for you. — Rachel Van Dyken

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed. — Demetri Martin

I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know. — Demetri Martin

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar. — Demetri Martin

I finally understand what love is. It isn't rainbows and butterflies. It isn't always pretty. Sometimes it's jagged like broken glass, and sometimes it hurts. But love, the type of love that's real - the love Demetri has shown me - it's selfless, it's persistent. Real love pushes your boundaries, it pulls until you snap, and then when you think you can't take anymore, it's — Rachel Van Dyken

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.' — Demetri Martin

Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up. — Demetri Martin

I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone. — Demetri Martin

In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard. — Demetri Martin

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey. — Demetri Martin

When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval? — Demetri Martin

A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you — Demetri Martin

I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust. — Demetri Martin

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro. — Demetri Martin

I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin. — Demetri Martin

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. — Demetri Martin

I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles. — Demetri Martin

Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore. — Demetri Martin

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class. — Demetri Martin

Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks. — Demetri Martin

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered. — Demetri Martin