David Walliams Best Quotes & Sayings

Run to the local bookshop and buy a copy of How to Learn Mind Control in Ten Minutes by Professor Stephen Haste and very quickly hypnotise Miss Spite into thinking he had already given her his homework. Disguise himself as a plate of spaghetti Bolognese. Bribe the school nurse into telling Miss Spite he had died. — David Walliams

I know some of my parents' friends think 'Little Britain' is in incredibly poor taste. But swimming the Channel? You can't really say anything negative about that, can you? There's nothing better than making your parents happy. The glee on my father's face that day was amazing. — David Walliams

Smelly cheese, blue cheese, runny cheese, MOULDY CHEESE, cheesy cheese. — David Walliams

Zoe also knew her stepmother did not love her. Or even like her very much. In truth, Zoe was pretty sure her stepmother hated her. Sheila treated her at worst as an irritant, at best as if she were invisible. — David Walliams

There's something about being a comedian that means you have to not be scared of failing because failing is part of the process. — David Walliams

Zoe had to do something or she would be roadkill. — David Walliams

I don't have a lot to share with other men. My heart sinks when I get into a taxi and someone starts talking to me about football. — David Walliams

Impossible. It was as if she had been buried in sand from the neck down. — David Walliams

TV has lost a lot of its self-confidence as its power has been eroded by the internet. — David Walliams

Reality always outstrips fiction. Whatever you make up, something more incredible always pops up in real life. — David Walliams

I love telling stories. I love the intimacy between the writer and reader. When you write sketches it's over in two minutes. When you write a book the characters have to have a bit of emotional depth. — David Walliams

We sort of expect to see men in women's clothes. It's part of our culture. The key thing is, it has to be done quite badly. — David Walliams

Nathaniel Septimus Ernest Bertram Lysander Tybalt Zacharias Edmund Alexander Humphrey Percy Quentin Tristan Augustus Bartholomew Tarquin Imogen Sebastian Theodore Clarence Smythe. — David Walliams

I think all those rules are boring. About what people can and can't wear. Surely everyone should be able to wear whatever they like? — David Walliams

Show, Trisha. Dennis had seen a Trisha episode about people with depression, and thought maybe his dad had that. Dennis loved Trisha. It was a daytime talk show where ordinary people were given the opportunity to talk about their problems, or yell abuse at their relatives, and it was all presided over by a kindly looking but judgemental woman conveniently called ... Trisha. For a while Dennis thought life without his mum would be some kind of adventure. He'd stay up late, eat take-aways and watch rude comedy shows. However, as the days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months, and the months turned into years, he realised that it wasn't an adventure at all. — David Walliams

You have to go into rehab after doing a David Walliams book. David is such an important man; publishers rate him very, very highly, His books usually go straight to the bestseller number one spot on the day of publication. He is a hugely important writer as far as HarperCollins, his publishers, are concerned. — Tony Ross

I have a pathological fear of being on my own. When I'm with my own thoughts, I start to unravel myself, and I start to think really dark thoughts, self-destructive thoughts. — David Walliams

But children nowadays don't believe in magic. They are forever watching TV and playing computer games. They never look to the skies any more. — David Walliams

All you can do in this life is follow your dreams. Otherwise you're just wasting your time. — David Walliams

When you are doing endurance swimming you just need to take in as many carbs as possible to put on as much weight as you can. Basically you can eat whatever you want, which can be quite fun. Everything is guilt-free. — David Walliams

As a teenager I was both prurient and prudish. I was so full of self-loathing that in my mind it was unthinkable that any girl would ever want me. I hated everything about myself.
The way I looked.
How I spoke.
Even how I thought.
In my head I believed myself to be completely and utterly unworthy of love.
My life had only just begun but I felt that I had already ruined it. — David Walliams

Adults always ask kids how they are doing at school. The one subject kids absolutely hate talking about. You don't even want to talk about school when you are at school. — David Walliams

I thrive off the company of others, I love being sociable. — David Walliams

Speeding around his own private racetrack in his own Formula One racing car. Some — David Walliams

Spending so much time alone had turned Chloe's imagination into a deep dark forest. It was a magical place to escape to, and so much more thrilling than real life. — David Walliams

Perhaps Mother was trying to shame her into losing weight. In truth, it only made Chloe more miserable, and being miserable only made her eat more. Filling herself up with chocolate, crisps and cake felt like being given a much-needed hug. — David Walliams

I haven't traditionally been a family entertainer. — David Walliams

The Duchess looked at Chloe with a look that said, You had the chance to tell him, but you chose to carry on the lie.
How do I know that the Duchess's look said this? Because there is an excellent book in my local library entitled One Thousand Doggy Expressions Explained by Professor L. Stone.
I digress. — David Walliams

It can be difficult to be subtle and not cartoony in prosthetics. But when you see characters like Bubbles and Desiree from 'Little Britain' on screen, it makes all the hard work worth it. It's such fun watching those transformations. — David Walliams

GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM YOU VILE LITTLE GIRL! AND TAKE THAT DISGUSTING CREATURE WITH YOU!" snarled the teacher. — David Walliams

Oh it's just my breakfast, Lisa. A couple of bags of Maltesers, a Toblerone, a Bounty, Jelly Tots, some Skips, seven bags of Monster Munch, Raj was doing a special offer on those, a box of Creme Eggs, and a can of Diet Coke. — David Walliams

He seemed lonely too, not just alone, but lonely in his soul. That made Chloe sad. She knew full well what it was like to feel lonely. Chloe didn't like school very much. Mother had insisted on sending her to a posh all-girls secondary school, and she hadn't made any friends there. Chloe didn't like being at home much either. Wherever she was she had the feeling that she didn't quite fit in. — David Walliams