Quotes & Sayings About Dark Humour

Skul-man!' he exclaimed as he rushed forward to shake his hand. 'Last I heard you were trapped on a dead world overrun by evil trans-dimensional superfiends!'
Skulduggery nodded. 'Just got back. — Derek Landy

No one believes that the world can come to an end, therefore no one believes it can be saved. — Peter Zilahy

It would be best to stride in with a cheer "hello!", but she wasn't the cheery sort; she was the "lurking in dark corners" sort. She found a dark corner, behind the Stalker-cases, and lurked. — Philip Reeve

I like someone with a really good and dark sense of humour. — Paloma Faith

Whenever dark things happen in my life, there is always some dark humour. — Ken Bruen

So, what's behind door number one?" Mary commented, bringing him out of his thoughts as the second air lock door opened.
"Pardon?"
"Oh, nothing. Game show reference, I make silly comments when I get nervous."
He led the way in to the corridor, on either side glass windows looked over the flanking rooms but it was too dark to see anything. Valdagerion suddenly stopped, listening. Abruptly he pressed her flat against the wall, almost crushing her just as four armed Unseeile appeared around the curve in the corner, rifles aiming. Blue bursts of light and heat flew past them.
"Shit." Mary squeaked. "I would have settled for the cuddly toy. — D.M. Alexandra

The Parisian is of all men the most sophisticated. Paris is a city of realists, unaffected by sentimentality; a city of industry and thrift; a city of irony, but rarely of laughter, of wit but never or humour, of superficial intolerance and yet of people who regard the rest of the world with more or less amiable contempt. — Sidney Dark

I don't think I like that boy." He growled, glaring for effect, just in case I hadn't figured out his oh-so-subtle interpersonal cues.
"He's a sweet kid," I insisted, folding the gray blazer over my arm.
"He's a teenage boy," Cal said, his dark eyes narrowed. "They're all sexual deviants under the surface. I should know. I was a teenage boy once."
"Thousands of years ago," I countered.
"Times may change, but testosterone does not. — Molly Harper

Holy shit," somebody muttered in the dark.
"A virgin," sputtered another.
"I didn't know they still made them."
"He just did. — Larry Kramer

Thank God you're poor, Mom. — Mario Puzo

The concrete floor beneath the airbed was hard and uncompromising, digging into her back and making it difficult to breathe. The stale air reeked of disinfectant and shit. And something else that she couldn't quite place. Death, perhaps? — Mark Tilbury

To speak of them out loud, to speak of their hunger and pain and loneliness and humour, to make them visible so that can not be ravaged in the dark without great consequence. — Eve Ensler

My wife was saying to me just the other day how she's noticed a spring in my step lately. That was because I thought you were gone forever.'
'I missed you too, Thurid. — Derek Landy

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore. — James Hetfield

He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger. — Derek Landy

Luca knows we're following him." His voice, soft and deep, seemed to roll right through to my bones. "We don't have time for you to shimmy up and down drainpipes like you usually do."
My coat dropped in a heap on the floor, and I suddenly felt able to breathe without the hot, sticky weight of the leather clinging to me. Maybe we didn't have time to ...
"Did you say shimmy?"
He nodded.
"I never shimmy. I climb."
"Then you and I have different views on what climbing is. — Elizabeth Morgan

Sam, Sam, quite contrary,
bought a budgie,
wanted a canary.
Sam, Sam, quite contrary,
kissed Suzannah,
meant to kiss Marry.
Sam, Sam, quite contrary,
dressed as a pirate,
playing a fairy.
Sam Sam quite contrary,
ate dark chocolate,
says he likes diary.
Sam, Sam, quite contarary,
shaved his head,
to make it hairy. — Chrissie Gittins

I get very confused about being called a comedian, because when you say 'I'm a comedian,' people expect you to crack a joke. Maybe I use laughter and humour to make people think. I don't know what you call that - a humourist? A satirist? A pessimistic comedian? I don't know. Satirists can be very dark. — Bassem Youssef

Oh, come on Em." He stopped walking and looked me in the eyes. His own were dark and shiny. "You know how I feel about you," he muttered.
"I do?"
He stepped closer and whispered, "When you're around, music plays in my head."
My eyes welled. "Music," I repeated softly.
"Well, you know." He grinned. "It's the Jaws theme. Da dum. Da dum. — Jennifer Jabaley

Suddenly he caught his reflection in the mirror behind her. His face was twisted into a dark scowl, and he was standing there naked, with a boner, and another man's business card in his hand.
He looked like a dick. — Sarah Mayberry

Where's Kraven? Is he stalking me too?"
His mouth went tight. "I'm not stalking you. — Michelle Rowen

Mum just laughed gleefully at his mounting frustration, like the villainous matriarch in a Roald Dahl story. I suspect a TV guide would describe her idea of comedy as 'dark', or, at very best, 'alternative'. — Matthew Crow

Are you following me?" He asked.
"Us?" I was the first to speak. "Um, maybe. Hi there. How are you tonight?"
He looked at me like I might be a bit crazy. — Michelle Rowen

What's a Dullahan?'
'He's a headless horseman, in the service of the banshee.'
'Headless?'
'Yes.'
'Seriously?'
'Yes.'
'So he has no head?'
'That's usually what headless means.'
'No head at all?'
'You're really getting hung up on this headless thing, aren't you?'
'It's just kind of silly, even for us.'
'Yet you spend your days with a living skeleton.'
'But at least he has a head.'
'True.'
'He even has a spare. — Derek Landy

How long are you planning on us sitting up here, kid?" Brendan asked.
I looked over at him. He sat still, with his head leant back against the rooftop wall, his eyes closed, his hands resting on his lap.
"Sorry, is being here getting in the way of your beauty sleep?"
"I don't need beauty sleep, kid. I'm naturally this good-looking."
I snorted.
"Whatever makes you feel good, Shifter." No point boosting his ego. — Elizabeth Morgan

Moreover, man carries in his heart the desire always to wield his scientific knowledge in service of the greater good. He would of course never use it for destructive purposes. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! ... — Jacques Tardi

Wouldn't it be grand,' Fitzgerald was looking down at a bunch of dead flowers, 'if people actually said what they meant on these bloody tombs.'
'What do you mean, Johnny?' asked Powerscourt.
'Delighted he's gone,' said Fitzgerald cheerfully, 'Thank you, God, for taking the old bastard away. Gone but not remembered. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, not a moment too soon. May her life be as miserable where she's gone as she made mine here on earth, that sort of thing.'
'You're a bad person, Johnny,' Powerscourt laughed. — David Dickinson

Knives are sharp, but are equally confusing. — Nathan Hassall

She was damned if she was going to let a little thing like decapitation stand in the way of keeping him. — Jane Timm Baxter

She's kind of like a Mary Poppins just before she turns to the dark side of the Force," Oberon said. He was still behind the counter, but he had a good lok at her as she exited. "Let go of your anger, Malina! There's still good in you! The Emperor hasn't driven it from you fully! — Kevin Hearne

Look,' said Cyrus, raising his knife again and pointing it at her. 'Give me one reason why we shouldn't kill your boyfriend over there. Come on. The dark scowling face is reason enough in my book.'
She could have sworn she heard the sound of Lucas's eyes narrowing to slits.
'Come on, just one reason,' Cyrus repeated, 'and it better not include the words love, eternal or soul. — Sarah Alderson

You're not very nice," I say, grinning.
"You're one to talk."
"Hey, I could be nice if I tried."
"Hmm." He taps his chin. "Say something nice, then."
"You're very good-looking."
He smiles, his teeth a flash in this dark. "I like this 'nice' thing. — Veronica Roth

I've always been a monster,' Scapegrace told her, 'but now, finally, my physical for reflects my inner darkness.'
'You smell terrible.'
'That's the smell of evil.'
'It's like rancid meat and bad eggs.'
'Evil, Scapegrace insisted. — Derek Landy

My sister has mistaken me for a mushroom. She keeps me in the dark and feeds me shit. — George R R Martin

Great book stands the test of time unlike my good self ... — Douglas Adams

Madmen, criminals, and rapists! Isn't it fantastic? All the romantic proposals I've ever got from anybody. Somebody up there has an extremely dark sense of humour. — Olga Nunez Miret

Doyle: "What is it now, then?"
Cordelia: "Isn't java supposed to be a coffee?"
Doyle: "Ready to abandon the the Web project?"
Cordelia: "No way. We have a chance here to make contact with the millions of people out there who are glued to their computers."
Doyle: "All those millions, shunning human contact. I'll never understand it. Call me old-fashioned, if you like, but I want to interface with a face, not a hunk of plastic and glass."
Cordelia: "Climb out of the Dark Ages, Munchkin man."
Doyle: "It's leprechaun, and either way, I don't appreciate the insult. — John Passarella

Can you stop calling me kid?" I snapped. "It may have escaped your attention, but I am not actually a child."
The left corner of his mouth crept upward. "It hasn't escaped my attention. — Elizabeth Morgan

However, for all his affection and loyalty towards the animal, the dog would soon be leaving him - they would both be present at a celebratory dinner when they reached the roof, he reflected with a touch of gallows-humour, but the poodle would be in the pot. — J.G. Ballard

What happened to the days of the hero rescuing the damsel in distress?" Not that I could envisage Heather as a damsel in distress.
"Those days are long gone, Brendan. Nowadays, the damsel takes care of herself, and on occasion she might even rescue the hero, if she feels he deserves it."
"I'm screwed, then. — Elizabeth Morgan

For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher) — Frankie Boyle

I'm only saying what you won't. He's a hunk, admit it. A tall, dark, exotic hunk who wants to bed you, and you must be a fucking nun, because it's been three weeks since you met him and you're going to have to remove the cobwebs from your vagina with forceps soon, they're growing into intelligent life form - — Dianna Hardy

My favourite writer is Beckett and I keep going back to wallow in his work like a deep pool of dark humour or like an oxygen tank when you can't breath in a world consumed by piety, hypocrisy and self-satisfaction. — Simon Critchley

If the US is a human melting pot, then Eastern Europe is a scrap yard. — Peter Zilahy

The corners of his lips picked up. "You really didn't know I've been following you for the last five weeks?"
Yeah, please feel free to make me feel stupid for that, Ken doll. I shook my head.
"Well, of course not, because if you knew someone was watching you, you probably wouldn't have given yourself a spanking on the roof."
And just like that, the man turned the humour back on. Weird.
- Chapter 3: Heather and Brendan — Elizabeth Morgan

How was your afternoon?"
"No one died, so it was a big improvement on my morning. — Will Kostakis

Everyone gets tortured these days. Skulduggery by Serpine, who then turned around and did that red right hand thing at you. Then Skulduggery was tortured again by the Faceless Ones. I figured it was my turn, you know? You're not part of the team if you haven't been tortured- that's what I always say. Well, I'll be saying that from now on anyway. — Derek Landy

Huh."
"Huh what?"
"Would you look at this?" he asked, examining a small box. "It says it glows in the dark."
"So?"
"So, what use is that to anybody? I mean, what am I supposed to do? Write her name in
the air with it? — Karen Chance

Hunter could only groan. "What are you doing, Kristen?"

"Bringing breakfast." She replied innocently. "Think of it as thanks for saving my life."

Hunter sat up in bed, looking his usual ruffled morning mess, with extra dark circles under the eyes today. "Technically, I didn't save your life, Mel did."

"Ok, then think of it as punishment for putting my life at risk." Kristen shrugged, and helped herself to a piece of toast. "It's all a ruse, anyway. — K.S. Marsden

Now is it time to burn the house? — Louise Erdrich

It's not easy to be God. — Peter Zilahy

Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke. — Joss Whedon

Her hair was matted to her head, glistening dark red, like wine through a murky bottle. Her torn shirt hung loose, a breast carelessly exposed, and her breeches were taut against the lean muscles of her legs. She treaded through the waves, never swaying in the current, until she stood before him, face concealed in shadow. "You swim faster with one arm than I with two," she said.
Nathan laughed. "You frightened me. — Matt Tomerlin

In fact,' said Poirot, 'she stabbed him in the dark, not realising that he was dead already, but somehow deduced that he had a watch in his pyjama pocket, took it out, put back the hands blindly and gave it the requisite dent. — Agatha Christie

One day,' was the dark reply, 'I will find the Ripper, and you will prove it with your life.'
'I hope that is not a threat against my person, sir, verily I do.' The auctioneer was all of a quiver. 'I shall not endure that sort of talk in my wife's very own auction house, sir. Judith would never have allowed such wanton verbal abuse, sir.'
'Where's you wife's spirit?' a medium shouted. 'Shall we auction her off, too?'
Didion purpled like a bruise. You knew things were getting serious when Didion Waite ran out of sirs. — Samantha Shannon

Don't mourn me", he said. Because it was a joke, a sick joke and because - at the end - he needed a little dark humour to sustain him. — Stephen Lloyd Jones

Village life gently swirled around them, with the perpetual ebb and flow of people, scurrying in every direction. The village was a living, organic entity, with blood flowing through its veins, and with a definite pulse and heartbeat. It had its own distinct personality and its own dark caustic humour, and was constantly processing and regurgitating information through its winding, meandering streets. — Leonardo Donofrio

You will suffer, son of Hades!'
What else is new? Nico thought. — Rick Riordan

If you want to know the Correct term for me, I'm a Dark-Hunter."
Nick digested that word slowly. "Which means what? You hunt darkness?"
"Yes, Nick. That's exactly what I do. There's just not enough of it." Now, there was some sarcasm you could cut with a knife. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

The light and the stars guide my way. — Lailah Gifty Akita

Hey! Give that back!" Panic started to set in. Ignoring the fact that I was only in my panties, I jumped up out of bed and grabbed at the sweatshirt, trying to pull it back to me. I couldn't lose it, I just couldn't.
But then his jaw dropped. "You're not wearing pants!" He slapped his hand over his eyes and let me pull the shirt out of his grip. "Damn it, put some clothes on."
That gave me pause, and might have made me laugh if I wasn't so freaked out. The demon from hell was unnerved by me being half-dressed? — Erin McCarthy

Some guys step on a rake in the dark, and get mad and go punch somebody. Others step on a rake in the dark and fall down laughing at themselves. I know which kind of guy I'd rather be. So do my friends. — Spider Robinson

It's the strangest thing about this church - it is obsessed with sex, absolutely obsessed. Now, they will say we, with our permissive society and rude jokes, are obsessed. No. We have a healthy attitude. We like it, it's fun, it's jolly; because it's a primary impulse it can be dangerous and dark and difficult.
It's a bit like food in that respect, only even more exciting. The only people who are obsessed with food are anorexics and the morbidly obese, and that in erotic terms is the Catholic Church in a nutshell. — Stephen Fry

Do you ever think you might be a different species of human, knitted out of raw DNA in a laboratory like in The Island of Doctor Moreau, and then turned loose to see if you can pass yourself off as normal or not? — David Mitchell

Mars is not Earth. It doesn't have a thick atmosphere to bend light and carry particles that reflect light around corners. It's damn near a vacuum here. Once the sun isn't visible, I'm in the dark. Phobos gives me some moonlight, but not enough to work with. Deimos is a little piece of crap that's no good to anyone. — Andy Weir

Two minutes worth of signal analysis told me all I needed to know. This station "talks" to the dark matter universe about what goes on inside."
"How did you cobble together a jammer so quickly?"
"I had one on me. — Howard Tayler

All I said was that I thought it was a judgement from God that Blyth had first lost his leg and then had the replacement become the instrument of his downfall. All because of the rabbits. Eric, who was going through a religious phase at the time which I suppose I was to some extent copying, thought this was a terrible thing to say; God wasn't like that. I said the one I believed in was. — Iain Banks

Its deadpan and her sarcasm sailed straight on past each other, strangers passing on a dark road in the night. — Nicole Kornher-Stace

Do you know what two centimeters is?
Yeah. It's a measurement.
It's about three quarters of an inch.
All right.
That's the distance that round missed your liver by.
Is that what the doctor told you?
Yes. You know what the liver does?
No.
It keeps you alive. Do you know who the man is who shot you?
Maybe he didnt shoot me. Maybe it was one of the Mexicans.
Do you know who the man is?
No. Am I supposed to?
Becase he's not somebody you really want to know. The people he meets tend to have very short futures. Nonexistent, in fact.
Well good for him. — Cormac McCarthy

The young woman's perfect breast didn't yield beneath the gentle pressure of two latexed fingers.
"What're you doing?" Professor Robert 'Lithium Bob' Beck frowned at me.
"I don't know. It's what I did when I first saw her ... "
"Why?" asked Doc Donald, about to assist with the post mortem.
"She seemed so ... pink. Maybe to see if she was alive ... " I saw the Prof and the Doc exchange a look. It was an unconventional - no, plain weird - place to touch her. — Morana Blue

He had followed the calendar, the years, time-
Bird farted.
And it came to me, as though it were riding one moment of the gusting wind, as though bird had had it in him all the time and had passed it to me in that one moment of instant corruption. — James Welch

Killing me still on the agenda, tough girl?"
I walked over to the desk. "Yup, right here next to buy Brendan a leash."
"Glad to know you have a sense of humour."
"I wasn't joking." I mumbled, knowing he would be able to hear me. — Elizabeth Morgan

Enjolras caught glimpses of a luminous uprising under the dark skirts of the future. — Victor Hugo

As if reading her mind, he leaned into her again, pupils dark, irises glowing like a forest caught in the last rays of sun before dusk ... "Do you want me to make you come?"
"Is that a trick question? — Dianna Hardy

The French expression 'cul-de-sac' describes what the Baudelaire orphans found when they reached the end of the dark hallway, and like all French expressions, it is most easily understood when you translate each French word into English. The word 'de,' for instance is a very common French world, I would be certain that 'de' means 'of.' The word 'sac' is less common, but I can fairly certain that it means something like 'mysterious circumstances.' And the word 'cul' is such a rare French word that I am forced to guess at its translation, and my guess is that in this case it would mean 'At the end of the dark hallway, the Baudelaire children found an assortment,' so that the expression 'cul-de-sac' here means 'At the end of the dark hallway, the Baudelaire children found an assortment of mysterious circumstances. — Lemony Snicket

Come on,"he said, gesturing toward the exit. "let's take a walk."
"Where?"
"It doesn't matter. We just need you calmed down or you'll be in no shape to fight."
"Yeah? Are you afraid of my possibly insane dark side coming out?"
"No, I'm afraid of your normal Rose Hathaway side coming out, the one that isn't afraid to jump in without thinking when she believes something is right."
I gave him a dry look. "Is there are a difference?"
"Yes. The second one scares me. — Richelle Mead

There can be only one — Christopher Brookmyre

My condolences, you're still alive. — Fakeer Ishavardas

They both looked younger than him, as well as taller, better built and undoubtedly more schooled in the noble art of punching fuck out of people. Nonetheless, younger doesn't necessarily mean faster or fitter, and Parlabane was highly schooled in the arguably less noble art of running away. — Christopher Brookmyre

For the moment we might very well can them DUNNOS (for Dark Unknown Nonreflective Nondetectable Objects Somewhere). — Bill Bryson

People always say humour helps to avoid the dark things in life. I think it's the opposite. Humour helps us understand and partner with the sadness and beauty of life. And sometimes, because we're bathed in laughter, we are protected. Or at least, humour can help us see the world differently. — Bruce McCulloch

I knew today was gonna be bad, but I never got close to this — Ian Ayris

What I Found in My Desk
A ripe peach with an ugly bruise,
a pair of stinky tennis shoes,
a day-old ham-and-cheese on rye,
a swimsuit that I left to dry,
a pencil that glows in the dark,
some bubble gum found in the park,
a paper bag with cookie crumbs,
an old kazoo that barely hums,
a spelling test I almost failed,
a letter that I should have mailed,
and one more thing, I must confess,
a note from teacher: Clean This Mess!!!! — Bruce Lansky

The witch's hair was too short and too dark for blond. She wasn't sure if that relieved her or disturbed her.
Riley had immediately begun his interrogation, and it had gone something like this:
Riley: Where is the meeting between your kind and Aden Stone supposed to take place?
Witch: Go suck yourself.
Riley: Maybe later. Meeting?
Witch: Enjoy death.
Riley: I have once already. Now, decide to talk or lose a body part.
Witch: May I recommend a finger?
Riley: Sure. After I take one of your very necessary hands. — Gena Showalter

A sly smirk curled at the corner of his mouth as he peered into the trunk. "Why do you have Robin Hood's toy chest?"
- Brendan Daniels — Elizabeth Morgan

Light and dark ain't supposed to mix. They're like broccoli and chocolate - just nasty when you put them together - but that appears to be what's happening with you — H.M. Ward

Drink a bottle of cheap champagne. Mix with orange juice. A large Glenmorangie. Milk and blackish toast. Half a bottle of Blue Nun. Budweiser. Budweiser. Go to church. Say I do etc. Budweiser. Murphy's. Jameson. Budweiser. Stella. Stella. Cake. Stella. Jameson. Stella. Vodka and orange. Vodka and black. Speech, speech. Vodka. Vodka. Double Jameson. Double vodka. Double vodka. Get carry-outs of barley wine. Say goodbye to aunties. Uncles. Mothers etc. Stop car on M18. Vomit. Sleep. Dream of dim-lit hallways and a black door. Wake up between Scarborough and Robin Hood's Bay. Her not saying much. Driving. — Dean Lilleyman

If you have seen darkness, you will appreciate the dawn of light. — Lailah Gifty Akita