Dangerfield Quotes & Sayings

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. — Rodney Dangerfield

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. — Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round. — Rodney Dangerfield

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York. — Rodney Dangerfield

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. — Rodney Dangerfield

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave. — Rodney Dangerfield

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me. — Rodney Dangerfield

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows. — Rodney Dangerfield

They'd tried to diagnose him but there was no apparent medical explanation for his behaviour. He was just what his mum called 'away with the fairies' and Max called 'a bit of a lost cunt. — Eve Dangerfield

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred. — Rodney Dangerfield

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport. — Rodney Dangerfield

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper. — Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing. — Rodney Dangerfield

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too? — Rodney Dangerfield

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place. — Rodney Dangerfield

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two. — Rodney Dangerfield

I went to see my doctor ... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah ... I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect." — Rodney Dangerfield

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach. — Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to. — Rodney Dangerfield

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?' — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit — Rodney Dangerfield

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control. — Rodney Dangerfield

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book. — Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself. — Rodney Dangerfield

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. — Rodney Dangerfield

What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I
found out Alpo was dog food. — Rodney Dangerfield

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me. — Rodney Dangerfield

You're my dream girl, Ash. No one even comes close. — Eve Dangerfield

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. — Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me. — Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. — Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. — Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer." — Rodney Dangerfield

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate. — Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. — Rodney Dangerfield

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years. — Rodney Dangerfield

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch — Rodney Dangerfield

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave. — Rodney Dangerfield

Hey, did somebody step on a duck? — Rodney Dangerfield

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. — Rodney Dangerfield

I don't get no respect, no respect at all! — Rodney Dangerfield

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died. — Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece. — Rodney Dangerfield

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed. — Rodney Dangerfield

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already. — Rodney Dangerfield

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window. — Rodney Dangerfield

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again. — Rodney Dangerfield

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh! — Rodney Dangerfield

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something. — Rodney Dangerfield

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights. — Rodney Dangerfield

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. — Rodney Dangerfield

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies. — Rodney Dangerfield

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving. — Rodney Dangerfield

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house ... so he moved. — Rodney Dangerfield

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came
back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes. — Rodney Dangerfield

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money. — Rodney Dangerfield

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right. — Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. — Rodney Dangerfield

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch. — Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. — Rodney Dangerfield

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead. — Rodney Dangerfield

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me. — Rodney Dangerfield

Went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife. — Rodney Dangerfield

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. — Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started! — Rodney Dangerfield

They change the sheets every day ... from one bed to another. — Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks. — Rodney Dangerfield

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back — Rodney Dangerfield

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill. — Rodney Dangerfield

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. — Rodney Dangerfield

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke. — Rodney Dangerfield

You're stunning,' he said, eyeing her up and down. His irises weren't watery blue like most redheads, but a warm caramel brown. Ash's lady areas tingled, as though they too craved a cigarette. — Eve Dangerfield

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone! — Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar. — Rodney Dangerfield

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction. — Rodney Dangerfield

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles — Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun! — Rodney Dangerfield

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution. — Rodney Dangerfield

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. — Rodney Dangerfield

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'. — Rodney Dangerfield

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy. — Rodney Dangerfield

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive ... The refrigerator. — Rodney Dangerfield

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it. — Rodney Dangerfield

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages. — Rodney Dangerfield

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes. — Rodney Dangerfield

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial. — Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab! — Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks. — Rodney Dangerfield

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance. — Rodney Dangerfield

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it". — Rodney Dangerfield

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury. — Rodney Dangerfield