Crime Humour Quotes & Sayings

The bar was crowded with theorizing Sherlockians, who in the absence of any actual evidence had created grand machinations to explain the crime. Minor points of canonical disagreement became reasons for brutal murder. Some tried to piece together their theories in small groups, hoping that with enough brainpower and expertise they might arrive at a solution. Others jumped straight over the "investigation" phase and landed square at the end of the story they were creating, instantly accusing the man across the table of some vile treachery. And, moreover, actually employing phrases like "vile treachery" in doing so. Everyone was a suspect. But at the world's largest Sherlockian gathering, everyone was a detective as well. — Graham Moore

And Hopkins, seeing that Tisdall was unaware of Grant's identity, rushed in with glad maliciousness. "That is Scotland Yard," he said. "Inspector Grant. Never had an unsolved crime to his name." "I hope you write my obituary," Grant said. "I hope I do!" the journalist said, with fervor. — Josephine Tey

Well, you may abuse me, be angry with me if you like," Porfiry Petrovitch began again, "but I can't resist. Allow me one little question (I know I am troubling you). There is just one little notion I want to express, simply that I may not forget it. — Fyodor Dostoyevsky

One blow in anger [would] kill, probably, a child from aged two to eight. Those over eight would take two blows to kill. — Patricia Highsmith

So what are you thinking?" I asked.
I meant about the case, obviously, but Cassie was in a giddy mood
she generates more energy than most people, and she'd been sitting indoors most of the day.
"Will you listen to him? A woman asking a guy what he's thinking is the ultimate crime, she's clingy and needy and he runs a mile, but when it's the other
"
"Behave yourself," I said, pulling her hood over her face.
"Help! I'm being oppressed!" she yelled through it. "Call the Equality Commission." The stroller girl gave us a sour look.
"You're overexcited," I told Cassie. "Calm down or I'll take you home with no ice cream. — Tana French

My grandma leaned out the backseat window, pointing at the cops. "Just so you know, I had no part in this! Ask anyone. They'll all tell you: I hate crime."
"Well, we won't mention to them how you 'forgot' to pay for those slippers at Wal-Mart, now, will we?" my mom hissed. — Emily Cassel

Detective Inspector Eccles sighed. He may ordinarily have met his sigh with the question of why the newly appointed Superintendent Dickinson was turning up to this late hour crime scene, he may also ordinarily question why his superior officer was dressed as Julius Caesar, in full tunic and green leafy wreath, yet ever since the new and youngest-ever-appointed superintendent had arrived at the Met it had been all too clear he was an officer who didn't quite do things by the eBook. — Tom Conrad

Last time I was on the welcome Wagon, I was holding some guy by the balls for 15 minutes while the inspector explained why should leave (Birmingham) and go home... It were really painful.

I bet it was.

'Yeah I got terrible cramp in me fingers, but he were very attentive. — Jim McGrath

Ennesby, get the Serial Peacemaker to the beach for dustoff."
"Dustoff? You're going to run away from three guys?"
"No, I'm going to kill or capture those three guys, and then run away from the Police. — Howard Tayler

No, he didn't come to me for a gun. I only said that because of you, thought maybe you'd want one, with being shot and everything.'
'Why the fuck would I want a gun? Would you ask a man who's just been bitten by a shark if he wants to buy a shark? — Jay Stringer

It's all very well to talk like that," said Mr. Rafiel. "We, you say? What do you think I can do about it? I can't even walk without help. How can you and I set about preventing a murder? You're about a hundred and I'm a broken-up old crock. — Agatha Christie

I tried starting a crime gang once. It turned into a book club. — Gina Amos

The Professor is coming... — M.K. Hopkins

She had a face that had had lived a thousand stories and none with a happy ending. — Jim McGrath

Crime writers, I've noticed, can be jumpy. They live in a world where there are murderers on the loose and they haven't been caught yet! — Sara Sheridan

Where are you from?'

'Studland.'

Suddenly, all the girls started giggling. Why did I feel like I was in the middle of a crime scene?

'Wait a second,' Isabelle said, eyes shining. 'Studland?'

'Yeah?' I asked, wondering what was so funny.

'As in "studs"?' she chuckled. — Deepika Kumaaraguru

In the middle section of the book Mirabelle breaks into not one, but two houses near Belgravia Books. I had fun scoping these out - checking which windows looked least secure and figuring out how to scale the mews houses to the rear to get her inside. A man came out at one point, 'What are you doing?' he questioned me. 'The thing is, I'm writing a book,' I started with a smile. He waved me off, his hand as wide as a tennis racket. 'Everyone is writing a book, my dear,' he said. Between you and I, it's his house that MIrabelle ends up breaking into. — Sara Sheridan

With him big Phil from Notting Hill an old "face" from the sixties a pin up gangster with a "mars bar" weal scraping his left cheek and of course two "wag" slags in tow trussed up like French Poodles with "Bratz babe" stares and Gucci Handbags — Saira Viola

I don't need to travel back in time to cause trouble. Seeing back through time finds me trouble enough! — A.A. Bell

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. — Rodney Dangerfield

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it. — Rodney Dangerfield

Whenever Elliot Norther's wife was nervous she baked. With the murder of Harriet Mason, her husband's close colleague at the Faculty, she had been unable to resist a couple of Victoria sponges. During the frenzied press speculation about the identity of the murderer, a Dundee cake had appeared, followed swiftly by a Battenberg and a Lemon Drizzle. Since news of the Wildencrust murder broke, the kitchen, dining room and study had come to resemble the storerooms of an industrial bakery, every surface heaving with the weight of sponge and cream. Yesterday, having at last been overwhelmed by the fear and rumour that swept the town, she had taken herself off to her mother's house in Hampstead, leaving her husband to soldier on alone. When he had last seen his wife, Elliot Norther noticed that she had been putting the finishing touches to an impressive, triple-tiered wedding cake, beating a batch of royal icing into a sickly paste. — Robert Clear

I knew today was gonna be bad, but I never got close to this — Ian Ayris

A chap's impending death has a way of focusing the mind. — Sara Sheridan

You Englishmen,' said Herr Wurter. 'You are all the same. Wherever you are you behave as if you were at home and your word was law. — Derek Raymond

My philosophy in life is to eat, drink and investigate - in that order. — Mel Healy

Oh sod me, Sir, not another bloody Paddy. Even a Brummie is better than another Paddy. — Jim McGrath

I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid I'll never get a chance to live! — A.A. Bell

If you were going to be successful in the world of crime, you needed a reputation for honesty. — Terry Pratchett

Could I please amend that suggestion? Could you not be there in the second darkest shadow one hour before midnight, to see who steps into the darkest shadow? — Terry Pratchett

The young woman's perfect breast didn't yield beneath the gentle pressure of two latexed fingers.
"What're you doing?" Professor Robert 'Lithium Bob' Beck frowned at me.
"I don't know. It's what I did when I first saw her ... "
"Why?" asked Doc Donald, about to assist with the post mortem.
"She seemed so ... pink. Maybe to see if she was alive ... " I saw the Prof and the Doc exchange a look. It was an unconventional - no, plain weird - place to touch her. — Morana Blue

The pleasant fact is that the British are not much good at violent crime except in fiction, which is of course as it should be. — Bill Bryson

She didn't want the medi-techs. She wanted a fucking candy bar. [ ... ] She reached down [ ... ] and chose a Galaxy bar [ ... ] "I'm going home." "You didn't pay for that," Francois shouted after her. "Fuck you, Frank," she shouted back and kept going. — J.D. Robb