Crazy Humor Quotes & Sayings

He usually gets what he wants. And what he wants is to keep you safe. He really cares about you, you know."

Her chest constricted with a strange combination of pleasure and pain. She tried to cover her emotions with a playful shrug. "Well, of course he does - I mean, what's not to like? I make incredibly bad, impulsive decisions. Plus, I'm lame, scarred, and crazy - the whole package. — Kathryn Knight

Kenzie took two staggering steps backward, staring at the feeline as if in a daze. "O-kay," she breathed, shaking her head slightly. "A cat. A cat that talks. I'm going crazy." she glanced at me. " Or you slipped something into my drink at the tournament. One or the other. — Julie Kagawa

Jace shook his blond head in exasperation.
You had to make a crazy jail friend, didn't you? You couldn't just count ceiling tiles or tame a pet mouse like normal prisoners do? — Cassandra Clare

He lost the great big outward thing, the good- looking package, and the real parts endured. They shine through like crazy, the brillian mind and humor, the depth of generosity, the intense blue yes, those beautiful hands. — Anne Lamott

Am I going crazy? Am I supposed to believe that God is a big black woman with a questionable sense of humor? — William Paul Young

I think we should find some kind of shelter; a cave or something."
"I don't want to do that! What if there's like, a creature living in the cave?" Tiara said. "Seriously, I saw this show once where these people were stranded on an island and there were these other people who were sort of crazy-slash-bad and there was this polar bear creature running around."
"What happened?" Miss Ohio asked.
"I don't know. My parents got divorced in the middle of season two and we lost our TiVo. — Libba Bray

You make me smile like the sun, fall out bed, sing like a bird, dizzy in my head. Spin like a record crazy on a sunday night. You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breath, shine like the sun buzz like a bee, just the thought of you can drive me wild. Oh you make me smile. -Uncle Kracker- — Uncle Kracker

Eventually, Krysomallos would be skinned for his fleece, which became known as the Golden Fleece, which means I am related to a sheepskin rug.
This is why you don't want to think too hard about who you're related to in the Greek myths. It'll drive you crazy. — Rick Riordan

I've got a black-belt in crazy, and I know where you live. — Marjorie M. Liu

I had a dream about you. You were you, but you were many - a multitude of mannequins, each named Manny. And I was me, but I was Dark Jar Tin Zoo, and as such I made love to you - all of you. Then I woke up alone, naked, cuddling a mannequin I named after you who smells like you, because I spray it with the same fragrance you used to wear. Is that crazy? No, I didn't think so either. — Dora J. Arod

Just because I'm insane doesn't mean I have to act all crazy. — Diana Rowland

Zach shoveled another spoonful of Fruit Loops cereal with milk into his mouth. "It is not possible!"
"How do you know? Just because there's no proof to prove it, there's no proof to disprove it either."
"You're trying to make me crazy, aren't you?"
"Not at all." Sara put her bowl down. "I'm just saying there could be bunny shifters."
"There are no bunny shifters!"
Shaking her head she accused, "You're a bunny bigot."
Zach threw his spoon back in the near-empty bowl. "And there is no such thing as bunny bigots. — Shelly Laurenston

Me? Crazy? I should get down off this unicorn and slap you — Unknown

No, dude. I told you, we're not crazy. — Natasha Larry

I'm not crazy, but several of my other personalities are. — Allen Parker

Now go to bed, you crazy night owl! You have to be at NASA early in the morning. So they can look for your penis with the Hubble telescope. — Tina Fey

Human females, they're kind of crazy during this time aren't they?
If you chose to believe the stories written by male writers.
They heard a bang and thump from the kitchen. Followed by Meg yelling at something.
That many males can't be wrong. — Anne Bishop

I'm a big fan of gallows humor. When my aunt passed away, she was in a coma for a day before my cousins pulled the plug. And the amount of joking and base humor that went on that day around her bed was so insane. It's crazy how people talk when something horrible is happening. — Amanda Peet

You don't scare me, Cadence Jones. I've lived with crazy, I've ridden with crazy, I've vacationed with crazy, I've visited crazy in various hospitals, I've sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think women who don't have major emotional disorders are really very dull. — MaryJanice Davidson

I was moving briskly. Well, until I realized I had a crazy lady chasing after me. Then I started to run. — Jen Turano

First of all I express sincerity. There's also that sense of humor, by which people sometimes learn to laugh about themselves. I mean, the situation is so serious that the people could go crazy because of it. They need to smile and realize how ridiculous everything is. A race without a sense of humor is in bad shape. A race needs clowns. In earlier days people knew that. Kings always had a court jester around. In that way he was always reminded how ridiculous things are. I believe that nations too should have jesters, in the congress, near the president, everywhere ... You could call me the jester of the Creator. The whole world, all the disease and misery, it's all ridiculous. — Sun Ra

I pride myself on being able to read whole chapters into a single syllable, you know? What girl doesn't? So when Lennon said "Hi", I ran through a whole list of possibilities. Was it, "Hi, I wish you were Chloe instead of Riley so I could make up with you"? Or did he mean, "You look exactly like the girl I'm totally over, so get out of my sight"? Or was it just, "Hi, I hope you're not as down on me as your sister is and, by the way, could you be careful not to spill anything, either"? But none of those sounded right. Finally I had to admit that he might have just been trying to say hello. Call me crazy, but it could be true! — Megan Stine

Shame, child, is for those who fail to live up to the ideal of what they believe they should be." She waved her hand. "It was shame that drove me to my queen, to beseech her aid." Her long, delicate fingers idly moved to the streaks of white in her otherwise flawless red tresses. "But she showed me the way back to myself, through exquisite pain, and now I am here to watch over my dear godson
and the rest of you, as long as it is quite convenient."
Spooky death Sidhe lady," Molly said. "Now upgraded to spooky, crazy death Sidhe lady. — Jim Butcher

Dagmar, really. Annwyl has always been crazy. All you've been doing the last few years is muffling it. You've never shut it off. Not completely."
"And did Annwyl just threaten me? Me?"
"She threatens me and Briec all the time. I wouldn't take it too personally."
"That, in no way, makes me feel better!" She stopped in front of him, stamping her foot. "Why are you being so bloody calm about this? Annwyl took out that woman's eyes."
"I'm sure she took them only after she took her head. You know Annwyl does her dismembering in a very orderly way. — G.A. Aiken

Fang swerved closer to me, big and supremely graceful, like a black panther with wings.
Oh, God. I'm so stupid. Forget I just said that.
"He needs a Band-Aid," I said. A look passed between me and Fang, full of suppressed humor, relief, understanding,love - Forget I said that too. I don't know what's wrong with me. — James Patterson

Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. - Holden Caulfield — J.D. Salinger

If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried — Josh Stern

If you don't do crazy things when you're twenty, then you do them when you're sixty and then, it looks pathetic. — Tionne Rogers

Would Crazy Horse have spent this much to remodel a kitchen? — Ian Frazier

I write humor as it's pretty much the only thing keeping me out of an asylum. — Bonnie Daly

[Stephanie] That's not the point. I can't just let monkeys loose in Trenton.
[Lula] Why not? There's all kinds of crazy shit loose in Trenton. — Janet Evanovich

I turned on Fox News and jumped when I saw that they had one of those things in their studio. "Are you people crazy?" I screamed at the television. "Get out of there. Somebody shoot it!" Then I realized I was watching Special Report and had mistaken Charles Krauthammer for a zombie. — Ian McClellan

It's always best to avoid strangling the person you're on a date with. No matter how crazy he makes you. — Lisa Papademetriou

The difference between your crazy and my crazy is that you don't think you're crazy. — Steve Maraboli

I may be crazy, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong. I'm mad but not ill. — Gregory Hill

I don't ask writers about their work habits. I really don't care. Joyce Carol Oates says somewhere that when writers ask each other what time they start working and when they finish and how much time they take for lunch, they're actually trying to find out, "Is he as crazy as I am?" I don't need that question answered. — Philip Roth

Hunter was bipolar, for crying out loud. He had checked into the nut house on more than one occasion and, honestly, I was already starting to feel the anxiety of living together. I would need to get my martial arts skills up to par to deal with this lunatic. I knew that I would also need to pick up a copy of Kill Bill at my next convenience and take notes as I watched, just in case a fight happened to break out in the kitchen. Also, at night, I had decided that I would need to sleep with either a small pistol or a flamboyant hunting knife under my pillow for a quick grab, in case he skipped his meds one night and decided to kill me. I needed to be prepared for the unthinkable. — Chase Brooks

God doesn't seem to talk to people like he used to. Who's he talking to now? I don't know. Then I'm walking down the street in Manhattan one day, and I realize maybe it's those guys you see walking down the street talking to themselves. You know, those guys that are like, 'I can't! No, I can't!' Maybe the other side of that conversation is God going, 'You're the new leader.' 'No I can't!' They're not crazy - they're reluctant prophets. — Marc Maron

Don't run I never liked fast food — Rachel Caine

Have you ever been at a point that you don't know what to say? But yet you came up with this crazy idea to type this. — Eric Mayes

He [Vronsky] himself felt that, except that crazy fellow married to Kitty Shcherbatsky, who, quite irrelevantly had with rabid virulence told him a lot of pointless nonsense, every nobleman whose acquaintance he had made had become his partisan. — Leo Tolstoy

Why is it that the Alpha females are crazy?"
Meryn shrugged. "She made sense to me."
Colton turned to Meryn. "You also set Aiden's car on fire when he ignored you."
Amelia looked at Meryn. "Sounds reasonable."
Meryn grinned. "I know, right? — Alanea Alder

He's crazy," Bruno said, twirling a finger in circles around the side of his head and whistling to indicate just how crazy he thought he was. "He went up to a cat on the street the other day and invited her over for afternoon tea." "What did the cat say?" asked Gretel, who was making a sandwich in the corner of the kitchen. "Nothing." explained Bruno. "It was a cat. — John Boyne

Maintain a sense of humor. People who take themselves too seriously are power-crazy. If they win it will be haircuts for all. Beware of power freaks. — Abbie Hoffman

I think you're crazy good at this survival stuff, Cary."
His shoulders sag. He gives me a small, relieved smile and we start walking again, his step a little lighter than it was before. It feels strange to have that kind of power over someone.
"I mean, you're crazy good at it for a stoner who couldn't seem to get his shit together academically at all," I add. — Courtney Summers

The smell was like chocolate and cookies and biscuits and gravy and everything else that was delicious. It damn near drove me crazy every time I had to touch one. I'd been fighting the cravings the way I'd never fought the urge to take drugs or get drunk. — Diana Rowland

I don't understand how people can
stand next to you one year,and next year, they cannot. They're going crazy, screaming. They can't take it that you're there. But last year I was in the same club,walking around,lonely like a motherfucker. Couldn't get a date or a dance. I was too skinny, too something,
and now, He's just adorable. He's just, oh! — Tupac Shakur

Had there been a lunatic asylum in the suburbs of Jerusalem, Jesus Christ would infallibly have been shut up in it at the outset of his public career. That interview with Satan on the pinnacle of the Temple would alone have damned him, and everything that happened after could but have confirmed the diagnosis. — Havelock Ellis

It didn't feel sporting to shoot at a crazy person, even if that person was a vampire who'd agreed to the job. — Gail Carriger

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead. — Charles Bukowski

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more? — Chris Rock

Cam shook his head. 'Do you ever listen to how much crazy shit comes out of your mouth?'
'Nope.' I hooked my fingers into his waistband and pulled him closer. 'Nobody does. That's why I remain undiagnosed.' — Lisa Henry

Take it easy, Norman. When the psychiatrist goes crazy, it's a bad sign. — Michael Crichton

This day had officially punched every hole in her crazy ticket. — Kimberly Kincaid

Cyclones cannot see you if you don't move"
"That's dinosaurs you crazy fruit bat! — G. Norman Lippert

Help me out here, Jeremy," she said pleadingly.
He gave her a look. "Why should I do that?"
"Because once, nineteen years ago, you were wrong about him, too."
Jeremy stared at her stoically. After a long pause, his face broke into a smile.
"Aw, hell, you crazy kid, you knew I was gonna let you in - I'm a sucker for this stuff. — Julie James

In love? You're crazy, and even if you weren't, you're too young to get married. — Stacey Jay

Waldo, I say-that is-aren't you tired, my boy?" Professor Buckley, suppressing a yawn, was unaccustomed to others matching his wakefulness wink for wink, as it were, and seemed jealous of the competition Waldo presented in that regard.
"Who can sleep?" Waldo replied. "We're on another of these crazy roads, we can't find the interstate...."
"Yes, I suppose you're right." The Professor interrupted, taking off his thick spectacles and polishing them on his bright tie. "I, on the other hand, never sleep, as I'm sure you're aware."
Waldo smiled. The Professor had little in life to be vain about, and he wasn't going to stop him from expressing a little pride now and then. — Donald Jeffries

No wonder kids grow up crazy. A cat's cradle is nothing but a bunch of X's between somebody's hands, and little kids look and look and look at all those X's ... "
"And?"
"No damn cat, and no damn cradle. — Kurt Vonnegut

I eat out of stress, she told Robbie, and now, between work and her nephews driving her crazy, she was just on the verge of having to switch from her MEDIUM to her FAT AS A HOG wardrobe again, which meant she was going to have to switch shoe sizes as well. Robbie said she was the only perwon in America who gained weight in her feet. — Fannie Flagg

You're thinking that if the North Pole has little elves and shape-shifting reindeer that maybe werewolves aren't quite so farfetched. Am I right? Well, you're wrong. There's no such thing as werewolves. That would just be crazy. — Candi Kay

As far as I'm concerned, I'm a middle-of-the-road moderate and the rest of you are crazy. — Ann Coulter

Frankenswine:

Like an old crazy quilt, I'm pieces and parts from nine different bodies and five different hearts. My brain is a poet's, my snout's from a thief, my hooves all belonged to the old fire chief, I'm slogging thru swamps and mist covered bogs, hunted by farmers with torches and dogs. Thru mountains and towns, over oceans and snow, I've landed here on this arctic ice floe. So I sit here alone at the world frozen end, just looking for someone whom I can call friend. — Doug Cushman

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything ... .but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco — Josh Stern

You can't pull a gun just because a crazy person wants to talk to you. If I did that I'd never get through a family Christmas. — Marc MacYoung

And I like his conceit. He's so conceited he's actually humble, the crazy bastard. — J.D. Salinger

This was a few weeks ago," Annabeth said. "Percy told me a crazy story about meeting a boy our near Moriches Bay. Apparently this kid used hieroglyphs to cast spells. He helped Percy battle a crocodile monsters."
"The Sob of Sobek!" Sadie blurted. "But my brother battled that monster. He didn't say anything about-"
"Is your brother's name Carter?" Annabeth asked.
An angry golden aura flickered around Sadie's head-a halo of hieroglyphs that resembled frowns, fists, and dead stick men.
"As of this moment," Sadie growled, "My brother's name is Punching Bag. — Rick Riordan

By no means was crazy unique to the South,but it sure did love to parade it around on the front porch, give it a drink and welcome the world to stare. — Robert Reeves

I'm not really crazy about all this tit-for-tat stuff. I'm always asked to be the one to first give up the tit. — Karen E. Quinones Miller

You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy." — Mitch Hedberg

See what I mean? You gotta be crazy. Ain't no time to be sane. — Robin McLaurin Williams

You are one crazy bitch. You pushed me out of the fucking plane! — Steph Nuss

A demonic reaper asked to be my valentine and then killed his crazy ex-girlfriend to save my life. Tomorrow I was starting up antipsychotic meds. — Courtney Allison Moulton

Saphira waved her tail, the tip whistling loudly. "I'm not asking you to. However, if we attack first, we may gain the advantage."
"Have you gone crazy? They'll ... " Eragon's voice trailed off as he thought about it. "They won't be able to do a thing."
"Exactly," said Saphira. "We can inflict lots of damage from a safe height."
"Let's drop rocks on them! — Christopher Paolini

I looked at the hit man who was watching us closely and told him, "Don't think in the crazy-ass soap opera that is my life that I've forgotten about you. Or you," I said to Rosie. — Kristen Ashley

I cannot believe that you're still a girl. Your kisses don't seem that innocent. They are driving me crazy. — Olga Goa

I point at Drew, as I turn to Dawn. See? My sister finds her soulmate, and not only does she get rewarded with love and happiness, she gets free champagne flutes, and dutch ovens, and fifty-dollar checks. And what do I get? What do I get on a day when I still haven't found anyone to love? When I'm waiting by the phone for some jerk to call me, and acting like a crazy woman, e-mailing him at three a.m., clutching at straws that I might ever find anyone? Do I get gifts? No! I get condemnation from my grandmother, and I get to wear a dress that makes me look like a baked potato. — Kim Gruenenfelder

The au pair was bug-eyed. "What happened back there?"
"It's not our fault!" Dan babbled. "Those guys are crazy! They're like mini-Darth Vaders without the mask!"
"They're Benedictine monks!" Nellie exclaimed. "They're men of peace! Most of them are under vows of silence!"
"Yeah, well, not anymore," Dan told her. "They cursed us out pretty good. I don't know the language, but some things you don't have to translate. — Gordon Korman

Oh, Lord, she thought. This was crazy. She was being haunted by one ghost and guarded by another. — Heather Graham

Do I have to get diapers?" he asked.
"Why, did Kade shit himself?" she laughed.
Dylan huffed loudly. Eyebrows knitted together, "DO I NEED TO GET BOTTLES?"
Jen rolled her eyes and shook her head as if he were crazy, "Don't you think it's too early to start drinking? You just got up ... "
"IS THERE ANYTHING IN YOUR OVEN?"
"I'M NOT BAKING ANYTHING, YOU MORON! WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?"
My God, you have surrounded me with idiots. — Christine Zolendz

This was sharing office space with wacko and bordering on ludicrous. — Kelly Moran

Years of insanity have made this guy crazy! — Woody Allen

I stared blankly at Rhys for what felt like about three days.
"Me?" I finally sputtered.
He nodded.
"You're kidding, right?"
"Not kidding."
I laughed then, and it sounded slightly hysterical. "I'm not
going to marry you."
"I'm not asking you to."
"Good."
He eyed me. "And you can wipe that horrified look off your
face because it's obviously not true."
"Do I look horrified?"
"Yes, you do."
I grimaced. "Nothing personal, Rhys, but - "
He held up a hand. "Say nothing else. I shouldn't have even
mentioned it to you. I'll find another dragon to help me."
"Second opinions are really important," I said.
He just glowered at that.
We rode the rest of the way back to Erin Heights in silence.
Now I had even more information crowding my already full brain.
Maybe that Irena chick should go see a shrink, herself. She was
one crazy dragon lady. — Michelle Rowen

Hapi?" I asked.
"Why, yes, I am happy!" Hapi beamed. "I'm always happy because I'm Hapi! Are you happy?"
Zia frowned up at the giant. "Does he have to be so big?"
The god laughed. Immediately he shrank down to human size, though the crazy cheerful look on his face was still pretty unnerving.
"Oh, Setne!" Hapi chuckled and pushed the ghost playfully. "I hate this guy. Absolutely despise him!"
Hapi's smile became painfully wide. "I'd love to rip off your arms and legs, Setne. That would be amazing!"
Setne ... drifted a little farther away from the smiling god.
"Oh!" Hapi clapped excitedly. "The world is going to end tomorrow. I forgot!"
"You'd never get to Memphis without my help. You'd get torn into a million pieces!"
He seemed genuinely pleased to share that news. — Rick Riordan

Well what are you looking at me for? If this is a democratic process, I've been outvoted," he said in exasperation. "This is why democracy doesn't work. The crazy people always outnumber the sane people. — Joseph R. Lallo

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. — Dave Barry

I don't know what she's thinking, but I'm thinking how fluid the border is between crazy and interesting, and how hard it is to decide who belongs where. — Melissa DeCarlo

Come Hell or High Water usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub — Josh Stern

Everyone is a little crazy. The only difference between us and them is that they hide it better. — Michelle Hodkin

Things are rarely just crazy enough to work, but they're frequently just crazy enough to fail hilariously. — Randall Munroe

Once I had her clean, I wrapped her in a towel and carried her back to the bed. A small red bloodstain was on the sheets, and again the possessive monster inside me threw back his head and roared his pleasure. I stood there holding her and letting the proof I was the only man to be inside her wash over me.
Blythe turned her head, and I felt her stiffen in my arms. "Oh, I can clean that up," she said, starting to wiggle.
I pulled her tighter to my chest. "No. I'm going to dry you off and hold you some more. I like seeing that blood. I did that," The pleasure in my voice made Blythe smile. — Abbi Glines

Greetings, cybernuts! This is I.B. Nosey, your official unofficial reporter! — I.B. Nosey

This is no time for drinking a mug of water - which you would do nowhere else in the world. A mug of water! You just don't drink water from mugs, do ya? Except on the telly. Water out of a mug! Should be a hot drink ... mug of water. — Russell Brand

Most women beg me to lick them, and I give it to you for free and you push me away," he said with a fake pout on his face.
"You're crazy." I giggled
"I'm the good kind of crazy, though. — Abbi Glines

Like he cared about a lot of stupid settlers and Indians and soldiers who hung around out here before he was even born. Hell, before his prehistoric grandparents had been born.
Who gave a shit about Crazy Horse and Sitting Bullshit. He cared about X-Men and the box scores. — Nora Roberts

I also found it particularly encouraging that the decent people in his life were now outnumbering the crazy bitches — R.K. Lilley

The go-to is your parents. You know they are not serial killers. They want to see their grandchild, and you don't want to pay anyone. The perfect situation! The problem is, when you are not paying someone to do a favor for you, they don't really need to listen to you ... Also your mom and dad are crazy. They raised you, and you are a disaster! By letting them watch your kids, you are giving them free rein to replicate their mistakes. — Jim Gaffigan

A peace washed over me when I knew God had marked me as HIS crazy person. — Jana Riess

You're driving me fucking crazy!"
"There's a short trip! — Abigail Roux

The good part about having a mental disorder is having a valid reason for all the stupid things we do because of a damaged prefrontal cortex. However, the best part is seeing someone completely sane do the exact same things, without a valid excuse. This is the great equalizer of God and his little gift for all us crazy people to enjoy. — Shannon L. Alder