Contemporary Comedy Quotes & Sayings

Arrr, shiver me timbers," he said in an exaggerated pirate twang. He winked his uncovered eye and hooked his thumbs in his pants. "This is the nicest your mom's been to a poor old bloke like me-self in days."
Sandra poked a finger in his chest, but grinned. "Don't make me regret it, or you'll walk the plank."
He grinned back and, with that eye patch, turned knee-meltingly rakish in under ten seconds flat. "Aye, I won't be asking you to make me Roger jolly, if that's what has you worrying. — Jennifer Shirk

With his blond hair, broad shoulders, and perpetual tan,
Bryce looked like a California underwear model. Not that I'd thought about him in his underwear.
Much. — Chris Cannon

He shifts awkwardly, and I realize a few things:
First, I'm still clinging to a stranger I fell into like an idiot.
Second, before he moved, I think I felt something hard. Down there. Maybe.
Third, I have cupcake all over my face. — Helena Rac

He stopped to rest at a cart selling nuts and candy, bought himself some Jelly Belly's, flirted just enought with the Mexican cutie working there to convince her pull out the banana-flavored one. Although he liked his Jelly Belly's mixed up, he didn't like banana, but, since it took too much effort to pull them out himself, he generally tried to talk someone else into doing it. If that didn't work, he just ate 'em.
- Kenny Traveler — Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Stop," he murmured, or at least that's what he meant to say. It came out sounding more like "Yes," which probably wasn't the same thing at all. — Tawna Fenske

Since he didn't seem to understand the situation, I felt it my duty to enlighten him. "Wrong. You started this stupid rumor and half the school probably believes it's true. Now you have to stick around and pretend to be my boyfriend to convince everyone I don't have sex with random guys. Not to mention the fact that if you'd kept your mouth shut about getting laid, you wouldn't be in this situation."
He raised a brow. "So you're my punishment? — Chris Cannon

I wondered if this was how it felt to sell your soul to the devil. I bet there were awesome cookies in hell, too. — Lisa Brown Roberts

My God, Mace was all man, the kind of man every warm-blooded woman would love to take home for the night, tie to her bed and let loose on. Sitting this close to him, my mind conjured up a long list of things I could do, just with my mouth. — Lola Stark

This was my love, her love
torn, damaged, broken, ripped apart and put back together. This was our tattered love. — Lola Stark

Wait until you meet my family. At Thanksgiving, we kill everything we can find, put it into a pot, and call it 'holiday gumbo'. — Molly Harper

I always wanted to be a journeyman actor. I wanted to be able to do comedy and drama, classical and contemporary. I like to do film and theater. And I pride myself on that diversity of being a journeyman actor. — Wendell Pierce

While I had no intention of hooking up with him, I still wanted him to want to hook up with me.
It was the principle of the thing, after all. — Kimberly Raye

The parasail's winch turned, winding up the line, pulling Ally and Serena lower and closer to him in a steady pull. A funny feeling seized him as he watched her. Logically, he knew she kept getting closer, but he suddenly knew she'd never arrive. She'd be suspended out on the end of that line for eternity, seemingly within reach, yet somehow distant. His breath stopped. — Linda Morris

Leave before I have to rip your eyes out with my dull Lady Bic razor. — Rose Pressey

Cooper! Help!'
The coward turned and walked into the kitchen as if he hadn't seen me getting frogmarched by the estrogen squad. — Molly Harper

The rest of the morning would consist of checking on a pothole in the parking lot of the village clinic and writing up a schedule for the community centre that might finally settle the ongoing feud between the local quilting group and the bridge club.
It was good to be queen. — Molly Harper

You are you because you love the way the world looks through your camera. You are you because of the way you love your friends and family. Not because some scar is on your body. That's a part of your history and what helps form what you believe in. not what defines you. — A.M. Willard

Scarlett Garcia fell at the feet of no gloriously delicious man! — Lola Stark

I supplied in a tone so saccharine that it should have tipped him off that his testicular health was in serious peril. — Molly Harper

I'm twenty-nine, happily single and getting it on a regular basis' I said, enjoying the way their thin lips hung open in an impressive O.
'Well I've never,' Jane gasped.
'Clearly. You should try it some time. I understand Mr Smith is so vision impaired you might have a shot there.'
Their appalled shrieks were music to my ears and I quickly made my escape. — Robyn Peterman

When I make love to you, Lanie, I want you to feel every inch of me buried deep inside of you, loving you, worshiping your body ... — Flora Roberts

A boot up the ass could be considered a 'nudge' right? — Molly Harper

That's because those pages got torn to shreds when you left, now you both are in different chapters. He wants you - like always, and you want the hot guy down the street. Typical Frankie and Brody style. You guys dance one wild tango, if you ask me. — A.M. Willard

I grabbed a beer out of the fridge and slammed it shut. I shouldn't have come. I should have waited outside for Jack, told him my family had leprosy, and sent him on his merry way. After I boinked him in my new car. — Robyn Peterman

I'm going to make love to you, Lanie. I'm not your first, but I will be the last. — Flora Roberts

She threw up her hands. "All right. Why not?"
Why not?"
Sure."
His arms fell to his sides. "That's it? I pour my heart out. I love you so much I've got freakin' tears in my eyes. And all I get in return is 'Why not'?"
What did you expect? Am I supposed to fall all over you just because you've finally come to your senses?"
Would it be too much to ask?" ... He'd begun to glare at her again, his eyes growing stormier by the minute."When do you think you might be ready? To fall all over me, that is. — Susan Elizabeth Phillips

He's been a bit grumpy since Potato Day.'
She heard Gethin choke back a laugh.
'He set up an all-day workshop on all things potato after reading up about successful winter events at other nurseries,' she went on, unable to hide her own amusement. 'It was a terrible failure. Hardly anyone turned up apart from our poet, Wilfie, who wrote a Potat-Ode to celebrate the occasion. — Christine Stovell

It takes a while for the heat to work in this piece of shit, but when it kicks in, you'll sweat like a fat whore at confession. — Robyn Peterman

He delivered the mail, ran our modest recycling program, and maintained our handful of public buildings. He also occasionally fell asleep while driving a snowplough, but he was such a cheerful guy it was hard to stay pissed at him. Besides every village needs an idiot. — Molly Harper

I started to respect older actors when I was young and then contemporary actors later on. Then I learned respect for comedy. When I was first doing theatre, I thought of it as just a means to become Sarah Bernhardt or someone like that. But acting with young people has been a great learning experience. — Anne Meara

Some people say Earth is the bottom level of Purgatory.' She pointed toward the floor and frowned.
'I call it the top floor of Hell. — Tara West

She had offered to drive, not least because it would have given her some control over the evening, but Gethin had raised an eyebrow and told her he liked a more comfortable ride. She assumed it was a reference to her van rather than some frank over-sharing. — Christine Stovell

My mouth went dry as I tried to remember all of Poppie's tips for kissing over the years. She told me no guy wanted a girl with a mouth as wide as a guppy, who sucked his tongue with the force of a Dyson vacuum cleaner first time, or licked him to death like an overeager puppy. She'd told me to just purse my lips and let him lead and take control. Don't slobber, don't slobber, don't slobber, I chanted to myself as he got closer and closer — Charlotte Fallowfield

Normally I didn't attend my father's funerals unless I was scheduled to sing, but it wasn't every day Dad buried a rock star. — Linda Budzinski

I could run, too, but my feet hurt. It's tough being a fashion vixen. — Kimberly Raye

He wanted to break up with me in the cafeteria? Fat chance. I leaned toward him and touched his arm in a girlfriend sort of way. "If you planned to stage a public breakup with me, you can forget it."
Amusement showed in his hazel eyes. "Think you can stop me? — Chris Cannon

I sighed. 'Ah spite, the stuff of fairy tales. — Molly Harper

You know, typically a nickname is shorter than the given name."
"Is it?" he asked in mock seriousness. "Oh. Well, tell you what, you can call me ... "
She waited several beats, thinking of more than a few unkind examples. "I can call you what?" she finally asked.
"That's it." He shot her his bone-melting smile. "You can just call me. Anytime."
She rolled her eyes, refusing to give in to the smile that threatened. "That sounds like a line from one of your movies."
He shot her a triumphant look. "Ah, ha! I knew you were a fan. — Jennifer Shirk

It's the contemporary woman that movies don't know what to do with, other than bathe her in a bridal glow in romantic comedies where both the romance and the comedy are artificial sweeteners. — James Wolcott

He said they've literally set up a camp across the street from the hotel and they have signs and bullhorns and the kind of Christian attitude that makes God puke. — Robyn Peterman

Yes, Trina. Really, I'll show up to help you. Really, I'll bring a friend. Really, I'm not a total dick. I just play one on TV. — Lisa Brown Roberts

Outside, the sunlight had turned pale lemon, but the studio remained cool. The white walls and white-tiled splashback behind the sink were made more clinical by the metal tables which looked as if they'd originally been intended for use in an operating theatre. Even though they were laid out with brushes and paints rather than forceps and retractors, the effect was equally daunting; both sets of tools could open you up in strange and unexpected ways. — Christine Stovell

What are you thinking?" I ask.
"That I wish this was my home, too."
I have nothing to say to this, so I kiss him instead. — Anna Bloom

She came out of nowhere like a two-by-four against the skull, knocking all common sense out of him and turning him into a walking woody. — Marissa Clarke

You wish for what's called wooing. This customary game, where the man shows the woman that resistance is impractical, strikes me as quite pointless. — Tara West

I listen to very little music, particularly contemporary. If I listen to it, it's going to be my own music, some arrangement or something. I spend so much time listening that the way I relax is by watching things, a comedy; that's my way to wind down. — Kate Bush

Is your name even David?' I asked as I yanked my panties back on.
'Is yours Melanie?' he inquired, buttoning his jeans.
'I asked first,' I countered, wondering for the umpteenth time why being an idiot came so easily to me. — Robyn Peterman

If one is going to spend her afternoon singing hymns to the great porcelain goddess, she might as well do it in a really plush ladies room. Stupid fear of public speaking. — Molly Harper

I thank God every day for bringing you into my life. I know I don't deserve you, but I'm a better man because of you. — Danielle Jamie

Coralie Casey was the kind of woman calories were made for; that dewy peaches-and-cream complexion, glossy cherry lips, the succulence of her body beneath that orange, silky dress. A cornucopia of curves, you could say, except it was probably better not to think about horns of plenty. — Christine Stovell

A few moments ago, he'd had her up against a wall, skirt shoved up to her belly button, hands in her panties, his fingers driving her straight to oblivion, and now ... now he was this intense, cool, calm, and collected man.
With a gun.
"Breanne. Are you ok?"
She stared at him. He had his shirt loose and draped over the bulge of his gun. He looked rough-and-tumble. Baddass.
Damn it, she had a serious weakness for badass. — Jill Shalvis

[while dancing] The man who was supposed to be her new partner had taken the caller's final instruction to extremes. From the way Adam's mouth was locked against Kitty's he seemed to be anticipating not a temporary split but a lengthy separation. More of a French Fancy than a farmer's fancy, thought Coralie. — Christine Stovell

This look said I was uncomfortably near some line. Nikos had a lot of lines, all hidden. If you shot a marble in on one side of his personality, instead of coming out the other it would bounce on secret internal walls and shoot out in some unpredictable way. I suspected some of those ways were deadly. — Mary Hughes

He was always 'checking in' to see if I needed any help with my campaign, which on the surface seemed nice enough, but it was done in a condescending tone that made me want to staple his lip to his tie. — Molly Harper

You have got to do the shiatsu. I had one back home a month ago. Fantastic."
Marisa Finley frowned under her carrot-ginger-turmeric facial mask.
"What's a shiatsu?" It sounded like an unusual breed of dog.
"I'm taking my shiatsu to the groomers this week to have it shampooed and blow-dried.
And possibly beribboned. — Linda Morris

Kitty waved her free hand to show that she was ok, although she was very tempted to stand over one of Adam's window-washing puddles and pretend her waters had broken just to see what he would do. — Christine Stovell

Maybe younger than the thirty he looked, still caught in style over substance. — Mary Hughes

Whatever you say, sweetheart." He sent her a wink, a devilish one, the same one he no doubt used to sear the panties off his dates. — Jessica Lemmon

Bryce looked like a California underwear model. Not that I'd thought about him in his underwear.
Much.
He was talking with his friend Nathan. Where Bryce had the whole tan, blond, hazel-eyed thing going on, Nathan was fair with dark hair and dark eyes. They looked like opposite sides of the same coin. A really hot, totally unreachable coin that a collector would keep in a special locked case, which normal girls like myself were not allowed to touch. — Chris Cannon

Lea was on the floor of a stall hugging a toilet. When she heard the door close, she lifted her head and gave me a half smile of embarrassment.
'Gracie, I've been chemically inconvenienced and I don't think I can ever leave this toilet. Take a picture of this so I'll never do it again. — Christine Zoldenz

Social Media has transformed contemporary life at work, home and play. You don't have to love me as long as you LIKE ME. Following is good, though cyber-stalking is bad. Selfies are addictive unless they're too dicktive. And going viral is no longer a health risk but, rather, the holy grail of communication. It only makes you sick if you have a brain. (WELCOME TO PLANET JORDO, I COMEDY IN PEACE) — J. Lee Margolis

I really don't take any interest at all in contemporary comedy. — Paul Merton

This stupid infatuation had to stop. I was Trina Clemons, future valedictorian of Sky Ridge High. I had plans. Plans that didn't involve any detours with slacker party boys who wore shoelaces in their hair. — Lisa Brown Roberts

Annabelle was practically standing on my back. It was like wearing an Annabelle backpack. — Rose Pressey

There are no guarantees with love,' her father said, reading her mind. 'You can't hold some of it back, like a deposit, so you can get your money back if something goes wrong. You have to give yourself wholeheartedly, whatever the cost. — Christine Stovell

He shook his head. The next time I hear a women going on about how neurotic men are, I'm going to remember this. You tell me you like my body, and what do I say? I say, thank you. Then I tell you I like yours and what do I hear? A long lists of grievances. — Susan Elizabeth Phillips

In an unexpected move, Bryce reached for my hand and pulled me to his side. "Play along. We'll straighten this out later."
Good Lord, the school hottie was touching me. It felt like I'd won some sort of geek-girl lottery. And depending on how this played out, Bryce could be the answer to my boyfriend problems. If he wanted me to cover for him, then he needed to help me with my overprotective brothers. — Chris Cannon

So, how'd you get the tattoo?" she said.
"Drunken frat boys don't say no to things their drunken frat brothers are telling them to do."
"That almost sounds like an admission of weakness from the invulnerable Andrew Sheffield."
"Not weakness. Stupidity, maybe. That, I'll cop to."
"I can't believe the man behind such a successful business is stupid."
"You'd be surprised. Just as there are different kinds of intelligence, there are different kinds of stupid. — Linda Morris

She wasn't the type. Her idea of exercise was lifting a fork. — Rose Pressey

I held it together for the rest of the drive home but as soon as Kelsey dropped me off I flopped face down on the couch and sobbed like a reality TV star on confessional day. — Molly Harper

Do you mind if we leave here so I can chain smoke 'til I throw up so it will be easier to quit? — Robyn Peterman

CJ's peace was restored.
Momentarily.
"Oh shit shit shit," a woman said. Her voice rippled with the kind of panic CJ expected from the bride today, but her husky undertones were too low for her to be any of his female relatives.
Perhaps the confessional hadn't been a gift from God after all.
"If that's what you need to do, but not right now, please," CJ said.
Her shriek splintered his last hopes for peace. "Ohmigod!" his intruder gasped.
"Not generally, but hey, if that's what you want to call me, I'm game. — Jamie Farrell

The male tax?"
"Yeah. The tax that men have to pay for not having to menstruate every month. Or risk getting pregnant. Or deal with the physically stronger sex in a macho world ... Women have to put up with all that stuff, so the least we men can do is pay the male tax and get the tab. — Zack Love

He was just drifting off when he heard her soft whisper. "Cooper?"
"Still here." Maybe she'd changed her mind about the sheet. The thought made his body twitch. Yeah, she was going to toss that damn thing aside and roll toward him. She'd wrap that hot little bod tight to his, and he'd
"Thank you." Breanne said very quietly.
He blinked. "Thank you? He slid his hand down to cup himself. Still hard. Nope, he hadn't missed anything ... — Jill Shalvis

You make my vagina all melty,
wait no!
You make my belly all melty. My vaginas hot! — Lola Stark

Some people just don't find their Prince Charming straight away, they have to search for him. — Charlotte Fallowfield

In the future, I would like to do more films with contemporary themes. Perhaps comedy, which is something I have done in theater but not in cinema. — Luke Evans

I'd rather drink my dinner out of a martini glass and follow it up with a cosmopolitan chaser. — Kimberly Raye

I always thought the point of life was something richer than that. Something full of great tragedy or comedy, reversal of fortune, ecstasy, that kind of thing. But no, contemporary urban theorists seem satisfied with the merely livable, which always sounds to me like the merely survivable, the not so bad. — Jonathan Raymond

I believe in making my potential models comfortable,' he explained when she shot a surprised look at him. 'I'm considerate, unlike some artists who bend their sitters into difficult positions and expect them to stay there for hours. My demands are entirely reasonable.'
For a moment, her libido got interested in his demands. What would it be like to listen to the soft caress of his voice as he told her how he wanted her? To have those midnight-blue eyes roam over every inch of her body? To be passive, helpless, whilst he did whatever he pleased? — Christine Stovell

Just in front of her lay the Congaree Swamp National Forest. To prove it, a mosquito the size of a kitten landed on her arm and prepared to drill. — Sela Carsen

I don't know why Kate was trying to impress him, as far as I could see the guy had all the allure and social grace of a psychotic slug with halitosis and a bad head cold. — Sharon Sant

Hubert's wife, Mindy, was a tiny powerhouse of a woman with a halo of wild blond hair and eye makeup so complex it took me a while to locate her pupils. She was clearly the brains of the operation, such as she was. — Molly Harper

I've also been known to cry during MasterCard commercials. — Kimberly Raye

In fact, I don't watch a lot of contemporary comedy for fear of being influenced by it. — Paul Merton

Holy shit, he was harder that a rod of steel, and as his leg ground out a torturous rhythm between my thighs, I realized I was hotter than spring in Seattle.
This was not a dream, this was real, and I had just fondled the boner of the Grim Reaper. — Tara West

Hi Maggie, it's nice to see you again,' he said, smiling so sweetly I thought I might need insulin. — Molly Harper

I was just wondering how long we were going to pretend like we annoyed each other before we started sleeping together. — Beck Anderson

Claire, if you don't move, I will have served two tours of duty only to die in this bed. — Marissa Clarke

Now, this is where I draw the line! It's bad enough everybody in town's going to be thinkin' I'm sleeping with a depressed, lice-ridden, hemorrhoidal foreigner who likes to be tied up and might be pregnant, although-since she's just about cornered the market on condoms-I don't know how that could have happened. But I will not-you listen to me, Emma!-I absolutely will not have anybody thinkin' a woman of mine needs a vaginal moisturizer, do you hear me? — Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Ophelia was beating some poor underling for not knowing her arse from the sparse collection of cells between her ears. — Molly Harper

I would praise the Lord above for a ticket to that ride. — Lola Stark

It was sweet he was checking on me. He didn't have to, but he knew that Blair and I were friends. Sisters, even. And he wanted to protect her friends like he'd protect her.

Well, maybe not the same way. If there was a gun fight he'd probably use me as a shield to protect her. But still, he cared. — Barbara C. Doyle

Did the Ancient Greeks ever write anything funny - like slapstick? I mean, I think I speak for everyone when I say that there's nothing wrong with a little bit of well-written physical comedy. — Elle Lothlorien

The blues are intent and watchful. "You're trying to get me to change my mind, aren't you?"
"Lilah, I constantly hope that you are going to change your mind, but I know you well enough to know that you won't."
I just nod at him. — Anna Bloom

Bryce Colton is telling everyone you hooked up after the bonfire Friday night."
"What?" Everyone in the parking lot turned and stared. Okay, maybe I said that a little loud. I hooked my arm through Jane's and steered her toward the sidewalk.
"I went to the bonfire with you. Do you remember seeing me naked with Bryce Colton?"
She pouted and kicked a rock off the sidewalk. "I thought maybe you went back after you dropped me off."
"Why do you sound disappointed?"
"It would be nice if one of us had a sex life."
I laughed so hard I snorted. That's one of the reasons I'm best friends with Jane. I never know what she's going to say. — Chris Cannon