Comedy Humor Quotes & Sayings

I do love comedy, but I'm not brave enough to tackle a script whose goal is to make you laugh. That's tough. The ones that can do it, I tip my hat off to them, but I don't have that kind of humor or mind. — William H. Macy

You can't keep bitch-slapping your creativity, or it'll run away and find a new pimp. — George Meyer

Sure, I'll just run out to the Piggly Wiggly and ask the butcher for a properly aged finger bone. — E.V. Iverson

BOTTOM
There are things in this comedy of Pyramus and Thisby that will never please. First, Pyramus must draw a sword to kill himself; which the ladies
cannot abide. How answer you that?

SNOUT
By'r lakin, a parlous fear.

STARVELING
I believe we must leave the killing out, when all is done.

BOTTOM
Not a whit: I have a device to make all well.
Write me a prologue; and let the prologue seem to
say, we will do no harm with our swords, and that
Pyramus is not killed indeed; and, for the more
better assurance, tell them that I, Pyramus, am not
Pyramus, but Bottom the weaver: this will put them
out of fear.

QUINCE
Well, we will have such a prologue; and it shall be
written in eight and six.

BOTTOM
No, make it two more; let it be written in eight and eight. — William Shakespeare

Nobody touches my ding dongs! — Ray S. Jones

The verdict of this court is that the accused are guilty of witchcraft. The maximum penalty the law allows is to be burned to death.However, in view of your previous good background I am disposed to be lenient. I therefore sentence you to be burned alive. — Richard Curtis

I smiled, reached into my pockets and pulled out a pair of ultrapowerful earplugs, the kind that are standard issue for skyway construction workers, artillery soldiers, and roadies for the thirty-five most popular teen boy bands. — John Zakour

It's not technically gossip if you start your sentence with "I'm really concerned about ," (fill in the name of the person you're not gossiping about). — Brian P. Cleary

I felt bad for the girls in my school, who flocked to prom like it was the second coming of Christ, complete with double-rainbows and unicorns. — G.G. Silverman

At the last moment, she remembered that her Master might be watching her and, knowing that good girls bend at the knees while bad girls bend at the waist, she picked up the cigar butt, as it were, in style. — Sorin Suciu

Since he didn't seem to understand the situation, I felt it my duty to enlighten him. "Wrong. You started this stupid rumor and half the school probably believes it's true. Now you have to stick around and pretend to be my boyfriend to convince everyone I don't have sex with random guys. Not to mention the fact that if you'd kept your mouth shut about getting laid, you wouldn't be in this situation."
He raised a brow. "So you're my punishment? — Chris Cannon

HECKLER: Say something funny!
COMEDIAN: I don't do requests. — J. Ross Clara

I like doing comedy, I like doing drama. Naturally I like to do, I like doing dramas, I like conflict, and when I do a comedy, you know, I've found that, like, romantic comedy is the trickiest one, because often it's neither: it's not romantic and it's not funny. So, like, I like a comedy that's biting. It's biting humor or really quirky humor. — Matt Dillon

The parasail's winch turned, winding up the line, pulling Ally and Serena lower and closer to him in a steady pull. A funny feeling seized him as he watched her. Logically, he knew she kept getting closer, but he suddenly knew she'd never arrive. She'd be suspended out on the end of that line for eternity, seemingly within reach, yet somehow distant. His breath stopped. — Linda Morris

Them Frenchies!'
'Unchristian, that's what I call 'em,' responded Mr. Stubbs severely. 'I fair compassionate that wench. — Georgette Heyer

Comedy is a necessity to get through life with the fewest scars. Humor is the best antidote to help relieve all struggles. — Suzy Kassem

Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I'm not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we're doing here. — Alan Rickman

Comedy has ceased to be a challenge to the mental processes. It has become a therapy of relaxation, a kind of tranquilizing drug. — James Thurber

It's not great when your husband thinks the only guy who can talk to you, is some other guy. — Jonas Eriksson

Manners without sincerity, is called polite society — Josh Stern

She looks me dead in the face and says, "The safe word is going to be 'immigration,' because you know I'll stop it. — Kayti McGee

The only thing which really seemed to pay off in life, if you went by Mary Pedersen's example, was sleeping with your superiors. — Jonas Eriksson

I like gross generalizations ... I also like disgusting specifics! — Josh Stern

Don't worry, boss," HARV said. "I get the feeling that this is only the tip of the iceberg of complications."
"HARV, you're a machine. You don't get feelings."
"Would it make you feel better if I said I've done a numerical analysis on the probabilities and the results are skewed toward you having more problems with this case? — John Zakour

Mars is not Earth. It doesn't have a thick atmosphere to bend light and carry particles that reflect light around corners. It's damn near a vacuum here. Once the sun isn't visible, I'm in the dark. Phobos gives me some moonlight, but not enough to work with. Deimos is a little piece of crap that's no good to anyone. — Andy Weir

The spirit was willing but the flesh was weak. — David Mitchell

Beaumont wanted Esmond very badly. Esmond wanted Beaumont's wife. And she didn't want anybody. — Loretta Chase

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. — Demetri Martin

DEATH
...
And now you are here to fight for this woman.
You know her promise is given.
She has to die or her husband won't go free.
APOLLO
Relax, I'm not breaking any laws.
DEATH
Why the bow, if you're breaking no laws?
APOLLO
I always carry a bow, it's my trademark. — Anne Carson

You bastard, stop that whistling and fight me like a man! — John Zakour

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. — Mel Brooks

WARD: I'll be home in time for dinner, honey.
JUNE: Alright - I'm pregnant - Have a fine day at work, dear.
WARD exits ... WARD reenters.
JUNE: Did you forget something, dear?
WARD: What did you say?
JUNE: I asked if you'd forgotten anything - — Benjamin R. Smith

The most I can hope for is to die in a pose that confuses future archaeologists. — Yahtzee Croshaw

Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. "I have to go."

"You just got here."

"Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress."

"You're making that up."

"I'm not."

"So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis? — Rick Riordan

Take care of your husband and do your "homework." For every headache you have there will be a women out there with an aspirin in her purse. — Jane Jenkins Herlong

Unhealthy behavior is actually common among doctors, who tend to know a lot about medicine but very little about health. — Sol Luckman

Ever notice that phrenologists have funny-shaped heads? — The Covert Comic

I think the main thing about comedy and humor is that it's impossible and always was impossible to define. — Mike Nichols

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords. — George Carlin

Today I feel like I did tomorrow. — Carroll Bryant

Are you all right?" he asked Olivia. His heart was still racing with terror that she'd been hurt. "I heard a woman scream."
"Ah, that would have been me," Sebastian said.
Harry looked down on his cousin, face frozen in disbelief. "You made that noise?"
"It hurt," Sebastian bit off.
Harry fought not to laugh. "You scream like a leettle girl. — Julia Quinn

So, how'd you get the tattoo?" she said.
"Drunken frat boys don't say no to things their drunken frat brothers are telling them to do."
"That almost sounds like an admission of weakness from the invulnerable Andrew Sheffield."
"Not weakness. Stupidity, maybe. That, I'll cop to."
"I can't believe the man behind such a successful business is stupid."
"You'd be surprised. Just as there are different kinds of intelligence, there are different kinds of stupid. — Linda Morris

An old mind is a thing to fear
The truth, in its purest form is boring
Through comedy, a person can hide his/her shortcomings and reach high ground. — Alberto A. Arcia

So, what you're basically telling me is death is boring but no worse than hanging out with family. — John Zakour

No,' the professor replied. 'Her Majesty s alive and well - at least I assume so if she hasn't met a certain van driver from Yeovil.' ~Professor Hamilton — Bryan Davis

Life is tragic comedy, in a way. There is humor. — Tcheky Karyo

Sleepwalking is the perfect exorcise for lazy people — Benny Bellamacina

Comedy Born When Tragedy Happens :( — Navin M. Karmarkar

How do you keep a mattress on the roof of your car from flying?"
"Yeah, well, I don't know how many people know it, but a lot of people have learned that putting your arm up there to hold the mattress is not going to work. — Tom Magliozzi

The only way I could get comfortable around people was to make them laugh. I was an obedient girl, and humor was my one form of rebellion. I used comedy to deflect. Like, 'Hey, check out my zit!' - you know, making fun of yourself before someone else has a chance to. — Tina Fey

The coding was anachronistic, kind of like bokeh in a renaissance painting. — Sorin Suciu

Stand-up is an art but since it's humor and it's funny - a lot of guys that don't think it's art are probably coming from the angle that they don't want to take it so seriously. I've always looked at it as an art but I don't look at it as a pretentious art. I understand it has to be taken lightly because it is just comedy in the end, but the good stand-up comics are someone with something to say. — Mitch Hedberg

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent. — Steve Martin

Comedy breaks down walls. It frees us for just a moment from the ugliness of this world. — Goldie Hawn

The old Janey only drank cheap wine and light beer. The new Janey is classy, prefers cocktails, and even drinks alone. — J.C. Patrick

[The cats] scamper in front of my legs, causing me to fall and face plant into whatever furniture is closest. They especially like to play this game when I'm carrying piping hot coffee. — Wes Locher

When I did 'Sex and the City,' it was like, 'Let's do a comedy where the humor is not coming from innuendo but from the a truthful place. This is a show where we're going to be able to say and do what we want.' — Darren Star

'Foo Kyu' is just a very unfortunate cultural coincidence."
"Just think about his poor son, 'Foo Kyu Two.' — John Zakour

Sebastian," Katarina said, turning to her nephew. "You've grown."
"It happens," Sebastian quipped, flashing her his usual lopsided grin.
"Goodness," she said with smile, "you'll be a danger to the ladies soon."
Harry very nearly rolled his eyes. Sebastian had already made conquests of nearly all the girls in the village near Hesslewhite. He must give off some sort of scent, because the females positively fell at his feet.
It would have been appalling, except that the girls couldn't all dance with Sebastian. And Harry was more than happy to be the nearest man standing when the smoke cleared. — Julia Quinn

When my mother passed away several years ago - well, wait a minute. Actually, she didn't 'pass away.' She died. Something about that verb, 'to pass away' always sounds to me as if someone just drifted through the wallpaper. No, my mother did not pass away. She definitely died. — Steve Allen

Eventually, you're gonna have to let someone in. — Cassia Leo

Hello and welcome to this collection of calls put together specifically to embarrass the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Now you'll hear us tackle the very pillars of science: physics, chemistry, fluid dynamics and, of course, cream rinse. — Tom Magliozzi

You're sure he's not a vampire?' Claire said.'I've seen movies. They're sneaky.' She was kidding. Eve didn't smile. — Rachel Caine

I'm happy that I have brought laughter because I have been shown by many the value of it in so many lives, in so many ways. — Lucille Ball

Optimist: someone who isn't sure whether life is a tragedy or a comedy but is tickled silly just to be in the play. — Robert Breault

It's early on a beautiful winter morning. The house is quiet. The sun is shining. I'm thankful. I'm happy. My cup runneth over. Now there's coffee everywhere. — Mindy Levy

Keep still!" Tria was parsistantly kicking back and it seemed to be working "Ow!"
"You three are a resistant bunch aren't you..." The man said angrily "No really how long did it take you to work that out." Agres replied sarcastically — Charon Lloyd-Roberts

HARV, can you help at all here?" I asked, spinning downward.
"I am writing your obituary. Well, not so much writing it as updating it," HARV told me.
If I lived, I was going to kill HARV. — John Zakour

I do find things funny. When you see life through the eyes of someone with a good sense of humor, which my grandmother did, life is a human comedy. — George Takei

But it is infamous that they have not told you!' declared Eustacie. 'Je n'en reviendrai jamais!'
'If it's all the same to you, miss, I'd just as soon you'd talk in a Christian language,' said Mr. Stubbs. — Georgette Heyer

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up. — George Carlin

Not enough info makes for a lot of dead cats."
"Dead cats?"
"You know, 'Curiosity killed the cat.' And I have enough curiosity to start a feline genocide."
"Feline genocide?"
"Yeah. If you don't explain Apollo, the cat kingdom will crumble. Cats all over the world will suddenly plop down in unmoving masses of fur, their food will dry up in smelly chunks of fish, and when people call, 'Here, kitty kitty kitty,' no cats will come running; they'll just-" Walter suddenly stopped.
"What's wrong?" Ashley asked.
Walter stared straight ahead. "I just realized . . . if all those things happened, no one would notice the difference." ~Walter~ — Bryan Davis

There is some humor in Monsieur Lazhar and in all my other films, but this one I'll try to make a real comedy from start to finish. It's called Prescott Etc. because the name of the constituency is so long that everybody in the constituency just says Prescott Etc. I don't know if that's what it will be. It's a working title. — Philippe Falardeau

Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can break hearts. — Tim Minchin

I loved Monty Python for the wordplay
this sense that you didn't have to squash your intelligence to be funny. In fact, you could walk right into your intelligence and nerdiness and self-doubt, and that could be funny. — George Saunders

Women are aroused by the strangest things, like a rock going through their bedroom window — Josh Stern

Gentlemen do not carry a cane or a hat? No gloves?"
"Gentleman may still wear them, but I'm afraid the problem is that there aren't many left. — Camilla Isley

I can tell you that she's not breathing," he said. "She has no heartbeat and all organ function and brain activity have stopped. Also her body temperature is now at seventy-three degrees."
"So you're saying that she's dead," I said.
"Well, I can't prove it, but, yes, I am leaning that way. — John Zakour

My own inclination is to skew towards humor. They say that some people view life as a comedy, others as a tragedy. Me? Comedy all the way. — Lauren Willig

I like very dry humor. I don't like things that are over the top. I like subtlety. I like things that are nonchalant. I like characters that are sort of monotone and based in dark comedy. — Emily Rios

One of my favorite things about 'Star Trek' wasn't just the overt banter but the humor in that show about the relationships between the main characters and their reactions to the situations they would face; there was a lot of comedy in that show without ever breaking its reality. — J.J. Abrams

I came into the 'Comedy Bang! Bang!' TV show with a level of confidence that I don't think I would've had if I hadn't been doing the podcast for three years already. I certainly had to figure out in those three years the sense of humor I wanted to do and the way to talk to celebrities without being incredibly intimidated by them. — Scott Aukerman

To call that writing, madam, is an insult to quills and ink across the world. — Julia Quinn

Ah! good Sir! no Whores before Dinner, I beseech you.
[Love's Last Shift] — Colley Cibber

There is a moment of sheer panic when I realize that Paul's apartment overlooks the park ... and is obviously more expensive than mine. — Patrick Bateman

Play the age as comedy if you want to get away with murder. — James Agee

Nahum bobbed again. 'My crest is cropped by croaking cranes. I go to drown in doleful dumps, dead-drunk with drearihead. — John Bellairs

In comedy, you have to do all of the same stuff you do in drama and then put the comedy on top of it. You, the actor, are aware of the comedy but the character is oblivious. And you have to have a sense of humor. — Jon Lovitz

I've always been a big fan of comedy and sketch comedy, and I like to laugh, but you can't just be funny. You do have to work at it, and you have to try to know what your role is and when you can insert humor, or when it's best not to. — Colin Hanks

It's a very important skill set for an actor to be able to bring the humor into any moment, whether you're doing drama or comedy. — Nathaniel Buzolic

...Mrs. Percy understood that staying beautiful all day long is the most important aspect of being married... — Tevin Hansen

Are you going to give her gonorrhea too, or was that gift just for me? — Cassia Leo

I just think it's fortunate that Sir Isaac Newton didn't share the sense of humor of a member of the public, because had he done so, he would of been so amused by the simple effects of gravity, that he would of never gotten round making a comprehensive study of it's causes.
That's the punchline! 'a comprehensive study of it's courses'! I worked for that! Will you be telling this joke at work? I don't think so!
And yes, I am aware that I say this to you while hanging precariously of this art-deco balcony. And I do so deliberately in the hope that I will fall to my death, and that you will learn about the thin line between slap-stick and tragedy. — Stewart Lee

I think great humor lies in playing the truth of a situation. I see myself as a performer and that applies to a Greek drama or a modern comedy. — Brendan Coyle

Comedy is still alive, and there are still funny people. Jews are still overrepresented in comedy and psychiatry and underrepresented in the priesthood. That immigrant Jewish humor is still with us. — Robert Klein

It always pisses me off when I'm calling in to some Morning Zoo radio show to promote God-only-knows what - probably this book, so get ready, I'm comin' - when the DJ actually tries to convince me that there are as many female comics as male ones. Cue hypermasculine Morning Zoo Hacky McGee voice: "So Kath, I don't know what you chicks are always complaining about." To which I respond: "Really? Why don't you call your local comedy club and ask for the Saturday night lineup? I guarantee you the male to female ratio is going to be about nine to one. You dick-wad. — Kathy Griffin

When I was in eighth grade, I used a self-timing camera to take nude pictures of myself in various stages of erection. I then exchanged my biology teacher's slides with the images. The teacher, in a state of panic, kept rapidly pressing the 'next' button. It was like a pornographic flip-book. That was the last straw in a very heavy pile of straws. I was expelled, and I ended up transferring mid-year from boarding school to a public school near home. — Dani Alexander

Nothing gives you confidence like being a member of a small, weirdly specific, hard-to-find demographic. — Mindy Kaling

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke. — Steve Martin

Never second guess yourself. Or do, maybe. Whatever you feel good about. — Dan Florence