Comedian Quotes & Sayings

I wasn't planning on being a comedian; I just liked to laugh. Somebody said I should do it and that's how I started. — Jamie Kennedy

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people. — Dane Cook

I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me. — Steven Wright

When I approach villains, unless it's a drama, I'm a comedian, so I approach most things from a comedic point of view. — Rob Riggle

[Comedian Jerry Seinfeld was nominated for a Grammy for his spoken-word children's album] Halloween ... Don't Give Up on Me. — Jamie Lee Curtis

I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian. — Larry David

Only black people in the whole neighborhood, so let's break it down: Me, I'm a decent comedian, I'm a'ight. Mary J. Blige, one of the greatest R&B singers to ever walk the Earth. Jay-Z, one of the greatest rappers to ever live. Eddie Murphy, one of the funniest actors to ever, ever do it. Do you know what the white man that lives next door to me does for a living? He's a f*****g dentist. — Chris Rock

There really is no Johnny Carson anymore. There is no one place a comedian can appear and explode. — Tom Leykis

There's something about being a comedian that means you have to not be scared of failing because failing is part of the process. — David Walliams

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. — Steven Wright

HECKLER: Say something funny!
COMEDIAN: I don't do requests. — J. Ross Clara

I'm funny. I'm a comedian. I'm not a clown. — Bernie Mac

I pushed against doing a podcast for so long. I'm a very late comer to the podcast game. But you're responsibility as a comedian is to get your viewpoints out into the world, and we have a lot more avenues to do that. So it's a lot more opportunity, but really have to work all the time. — Kurt Braunohler

Because you make me laugh don't make you a comic. A comedian is a person who, that's how they make their living. — Dick Gregory

Outsiders develop humor as a defense; why do you think most comedians are gay or Jewish? — Paul Lynde

Male comics are always coming up to me and they're like 'Hey Natasha. Don't you think you're a little attractive to be a comedian?' and I'm like 'Don't you think you're a little ugly to be talking to me?' — Natasha Leggero

The role of the comedian is to say 'Wait a minute' when a consensus starts to form. — Bill Hicks

You never have a comedian who hasn't got a very deep strain of sadness within him or her. Every great clown has been very near to tragedy. — Margaret Rutherford

I talked about everything, man. I've always written material that everyone can laugh at. I talked about growing up. I did a lot of physical comedy. That was my thing. I was a physical comedian. I did anything and everything from running on a treadmill, I can paint a picture on stage of anything. — J. B. Smoove

It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me. — Anthony Jeselnik

To be a comedian, you have to have some darkness behind it. I certainly draw on my past, and it helps. — Matthew Perry

I think, first of all, you need to love what you're doing, and then this helps in the comedian for its part in everything-but the moment you enjoy what you're doing, you try to express yourself, to find your way, and every time is different, of course. — Cecilia Bartoli

Every comedian comes to a fork in the road where they have to decide if they're going to make jokes about other people or make jokes about themselves. I chose myself. — Mike Birbiglia

Comedians and impressionists used to be two different showbiz animals entirely, but now there's no such thing as a comedian who doesn't do impressions. — John Podhoretz

You say you're a comedian, you always have to be on guard. — Anthony Anderson

The key to comedy is commitment - if you're afraid, you shouldn't be a comedian. — Nick Swardson

I never wanted to churn it out. Comedians tend to work all the time. They never put it down like musicians who might make an album then take three or four years off to recharge their batteries. Comedians tend to work straight through and they get stale because of that. Even when I didn't have a lot of money I never ever did it unless I had something new to say. — Chris Rock

If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious. — Norm MacDonald

A year later, Ayatollah Bennett declared, "I find no merit in the [drug] legalizers' case. The simple fact is that drug use is wrong. And the moral argument, in the end, is the most compelling argument." Of course, what this dangerous comedian thinks is moral James Madison and the Virginia statesman and Rights-man George Mason would have thought dangerous nonsense, particularly when his "morality" abolishes their gift to all of us, the Bill of Rights. — Gore Vidal

I don't have any delusions. I'm not a novelist - I'm a comedian who writes. I love doing the stand-up and the touring and the albums and all that, but it's pretty amazing to go into a library and see your book there. — Jim Gaffigan

My life was typical. I played a little Little League baseball. I never wanted for food. I always had shoes. I had a room. There were no great tragedies. There were the typical ups and downs but I wouldn' t say it was at all sad. We were Jewish and living in the suburbs so there was a slightly neurotic bent to it, but I can't point to anything where a boy overcame a tragedy to become a comedian. As my grandmother used to say, 'I can't complain. — Jon Stewart

I wish I had the guts and talent to be a good comedian. I love the idea of it, yet I'm terrified of it. I'd also love to play music in front of people. — Charlie Rowe

Many old music hall fans were present at the funeral today of Fred 'Chuckles' Jenkins, Britain's oldest and unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of Fred's jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence. — Ronnie Barker

There are a couple of things I want to impart to ladies who want to be in comedy: One, you don't have to be weird or be quirky to get your job done. And two, comedy skill is not sexually transmittable. You do not have to sleep with a comedian to learn what you're doing. Male comedians will not like that advice, but it is the truth. — Tina Fey

Every night was improv. — Kliph Nesteroff

I think with a comedian, when you get to the point of a greatest hits, it's kind of an acknowledgment that you've been doing stand-up a long time, which not very many people do. — Jeff Foxworthy

As a comedian you are making yourself vulnerable in order to make others happy. — Margaret Cho

Using blasphemy as entertainment is as cheap as a comedian telling a fart joke. — Katy Perry

As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year. — Elayne Boosler

Sometimes people say I'm a political comedian, which, actually I'm not. I'm a comedian who sometimes discusses politics, culture - again, the word 'politics' to me is just life. — Janeane Garofalo

I think the job of a comedian is to make people laugh, but also challenge them to laugh at things they didn't know they could until now. — Ricky Gervais

When I was in New York, I got to see Joan Rivers do an hour of material, and it blew my mind. I don't remember how old she was at the time, but she just had this edgy hour that had so much funny stuff in it, and she was so fearless. If you only watch her on the red carpet, you don't get a sense of what a legendary standup comedian she is. — Chelsea Peretti

I've never set out to write a funny movie or be a funny comedian as a woman. I am a woman. I don't really have a choice in the matter. My goal is just to be funny. — Maya Rudolph

Dad made me laugh a lot. He was a real comedian. He had a real sarcastic sense of humour, he could really make a fool out of people. I have to watch it a little bit, because I caught that habit from him. I was really fond of him. He was my idol. — Julian Lennon

I don't perceive my role as a newsman at all. I'm a comedian from stem to stern. You can cut me open and count the rings of jokes. — Stephen Colbert

There is no credit to being a comedian, when you have the whole Government working for you. All you have to do is report the facts. I dont even have to exaggerate. — Will Rogers

I'm not a political comedian. That's just not what I do. — Louis C.K.

I became a guy who wanted to be a comedian someday, or a comic actor. The way I put it was, I'll be like Danny Kaye. He was kind of the model I had in mind. — George Carlin

Even though I do a more traditional type of being funny on television, I still know a lot of comedians and stand-ups and improv actors. — Busy Philipps

I'm not just a pundit - I'm a comedian. — Stephen Colbert

I've been doing comedies but I'm not a comedian. — Seann William Scott

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it. — W.C. Fields

Woody Allen is a great dramatist and a great comedian. — Cate Blanchett

If Jay spent as much time studying as he does trying to be a comedian, he'd be a big star. — Jay Leno

Acting is the great love of my life. It gives you permission to use all parts of yourself. Permission to be the hero, the love interest, the comedian, the villain. Transformation excites me. So does truth. Nothing is more thrilling, hilarious, and tragic than the truth. Those things motivated me to become an actor. Also, they always have the best food on set. — Blake Griffin

As a comedian, I can walk out in front of 5000 people and not worry about a thing. Not a thing, believe me. But to stand up a face a camera and crew of maybe 15 guys and get up tight about it - to me that's weird. — Bill Cosby

I thought she was the funniest woman, and I believed being a comedian was the most exciting thing you could be. — Maya Rudolph

I get very jealous of my friends who have traditional families and 9-to-5 jobs, because I feel like just by the nature of being a comedian ... — Chris Gethard

I am pleased to say that I am not a tortured comedian - I laugh a lot. My twenties weren't particularly happy, but it's the same for a lot of people. In your thirties, you realise that your life and your worries are really insignificant, and you have to force yourself to be more positive and take each day as a gift. — Miranda Hart

Whenever I go on a show with a comedian I just counter punch. — Bill O'Reilly

That's one thing about my shows. I tell people, I'm not a comedian, I'm just a really funny reporter. I put my life out there and make it entertaining. By putting it out there, it helps me to deal with it, you know, so I don't snap and so I don't go off the handle when I get home. — Gabriel Iglesias

I always say about my daughters, they save me from my miserable self. They take me out, you know, a comedian, you could live in your head a lot. And you're writing and you're doubting. But when I'm with my kids and my family, it's all about them. — Chris Rock

I'm a comedian who happens to be Latino. What's the difference? The difference is, my special will air on Comedy Central, not Telemundo. — Gabriel Iglesias

I considered myself a professional comedian because the club would pay me $20. — Tom Green

Whether you do stand-up comedy or write a story, you have a duty to deliver. As a comedian, you walk out on stage, and you have a minute to hook them, or they'll start booing. As a writer, it's very similar. A reader doesn't have time to say, 'I'll give him 50 pages, as it's not very good yet, but I hope it'll get better.' — Mark Billingham

If you're billed as a comedian, people will accept anything you say as light-hearted and not with intent behind it. — Megan Fox

Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT. — Dane Cook

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes. — Felipe Esparza

Bill Cosby was the first comedian I was exposed to, because he doesn't curse. — Chris Rock

I'm a comedian so I'm not waiting around for someone to write a part for me. I don't have to wait for somebody else to create my next job; I have the ability to basically write my own ticket. — Wanda Sykes

Comedians by and large are some of the most sensitive people on earth. Even if they're socially callous. — Dave Chappelle

I'm not a comedian, I'm an actor. — Chris Diamantopoulos

Right-wing propagandists like Limbaugh and Coulter are essentially entertainers, entertainers who stimulate prejudice, selfishness and meanness the way a comedian works for laughs or a tragedian plays for tears. Theirs is a new art form, exclusive to America and bewilderingly successful. In place of traditional conservative ideology, they offer their audience partisan belligerence and a complete package of mail-order hatreds, designed for the conceptually and ethically impaired. — Hal Crowther

I'm a stand-up comedian-turned-actor-turned-vampire at night. — Vir Das

When they put me in jail, that's when they turned me into an activist. Up until the time I went to jail, I was just a comedian. — Tommy Chong

I'm not a comedian. I don't do stand-up. I don't tell jokes. I'm a comedic actor, and approach my work that way. The comedy comes through the character. — Eugene Levy

As you get older as a comedian and keep doing it, what you actually start to cherish on stage is not the build-up to the jokes, but how comfortable you can be in the silence and the non-laughing parts, and how long you can take the audience without a laugh to then get a huge reaction. — Patton Oswalt

It started off for me as just wanting to be an actor and sort of resenting in a weird way being expected to write as well as be a comedian and an improviser. And then you think about it for a minute, and I smartened up and realized that the only way to sustain a career is to generate your own material. Or to be in control of your career as best you can. And in allowing yourself to do that it opens up a whole new world of possibilities. And then you're like "Oh, producing is a thing." — Rob Corddry

You learn to laugh at yourself and you also lean on comedy as a crutch to kind of take the edge off because comedians often are self-deprecating and they cross lines that they shouldn't. Stuff like that brings a smile to my face every once in a while when needed. — John Cena

I don't mind being accused of being a bad comedian and I don't even mind being accused of being a bad talk-show host, but I never want to be accused of being an arrogant, pompous showbiz asshole. — David Letterman

Comedians are thinkers. The best ones are akin to philosophers, in my opinion. — Ted Alexandro

My phone buzzes, and I shut off YouTube so I can access my messages.

Logan: Just found the perfect xmas present for you in Boston.

A photo promptly appears, summoning a loud groan from my throat. The asshole sent me a pic of a novelty My Little Pony dildo. Damn thing is bright pink, with rainbow sparkles on the handle.

Logan: And it's rechargeable! U don't have to buy batteries. THAT'S handy!

Me: Hardy-har-har. You = comedian.

Then I message Grace: Tell your BF to stop being mean to me.

She texts back a smiley face. Traitor. — Elle Kennedy

A lot of amazing comedians that I've worked with just really follow their instincts and you can't really teach someone comedic timing. And you just kind of have it. — Chelsea Handler

Even as a little child, I've always had that comedian kind of attitude. — Etta James

At the turn of the century, parishioners attacked vaudeville as a sinful venture. Organized boycotts adversely affected ticket sales. Benjamin Franklin Keith's wife was deeply religious and prodded her husband to follow church directives. Comedian Fred Allen said, 'Mrs. Keith instigated the chaste policy, for she would tolerate no profanity, no suggestive allusions, double-entendres or off-color monkey business. — Kliph Nesteroff

If I wanted to take a more activist or journalistic slant in work, I should probably just go be an activist or a journalist. But I'm happy being a comedian. — John Oliver

I don't consider myself a stand-up comedian. I consider myself a performer; a comic as opposed to stand-up comedian. Stand-up comedians stand there and do their bits; I break every rule in creation. If there's a rule that can be broken in stand-up, I'll do it. — J. B. Smoove

If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer. — George Burns

God is a comedian playing to an audience that is too afraid to laugh. — Voltaire

Well, human rights defenders, freedom of speech advocates, lawyers that we spoke to said this is really an expansion. After the military ouster of Egypt's unpopular, but elected Islamist president in 2013, we saw political opponents being arrested by the thousands, really. Then we saw a popular comedian go off the air out of fear of retribution. — Leila Fadel

I'm not very big on politics. I'm a comedian and not that smart. I don't have the mind capacity for it. — Bobby Moynihan

I find comedians to be the biggest cocksuckers, because they don't want people to know how easy it is. — Gavin McInnes

The jokes are great but what really matters for a comedian is his performance, his whole attitude, and the laughs that he gets between the jokes rather than on top of the jokes. — Jack Dee

Authenticity seems like sort of a joke. Actually I believe it was the late comedian George Burns who said, "if you can fake sincerity, you've got it made." People cannot be invariant across situations and roles and, moreover, leaders need to be true not to themselves, but to what others want, need, and expect from them. — Jeffrey Pfeffer

The comedian sticks as religiously to her theme as a dancer sticks to a diet. — Jo Brand

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist. — Jeff Foxworthy

I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now — Bob Monkhouse

The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever. — Gilbert Gottfried

Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids) is a gimmick comedian who has devoted her short career to being obese and obnoxious with equal success. — Rex Reed

Because that's what it would catch in the wild, a boar, right? I can't wait to see a pack of bunnycats take down a wild hog with those short tiny legs. Wouldn't the boar be surprised?"
Everybody was a comedian.
"May be if I oink loud enough, it'll leap across the beam and try to devour me. — Ilona Andrews