Colfer Artemis Quotes & Sayings

Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder — Eoin Colfer

Jon Spiro had not hired Pex and Chips for their debating sills. In the job interview, they had only been set one task. A hundred applicants were handed a walnut and asked to smash it however they could. Only two succeeded. Pex had shouted at the walnut for a few minutes, then flattened it between his giant palms. Chips had opted for a more controversial method. He placed the walnut on the table, grabbed is interviewer by the ponytail, and used the man's forehead to smash the nut. Both men were hired on the spot. They quickly established themselves as Arno Blunt's most reliable leiutenants for in-house work. They were not allowed outside Chicago, as this could involve map reading, something Pex and Chips were not very good at. — Eoin Colfer

Ah, my princess. Noble steed. How does the morning find you both? — Eoin Colfer

I don't know why it is, Captain Short, but whenever you start agreeing with me, I get decidedly nervous. — Eoin Colfer

A metaphorical weight lifted from his allegorical chest and Artemis Fowl felt himself again. — Eoin Colfer

Butler snapped his fingers. "Focus, Artemis! Time enough for your Atlantis Complex later. We have the Atlantis Trench outside that door and six miles of water above it. If you want to stay alive, you need to stay alert." He turned to Holly. "This is ridiculous. I'm pulling the plug."
Holly's mouth was a tight line as she shook her head. "Navy rules, Butler. You're on my boat, you follow my orders."
"As I remember, I brought the boat."
"Yes, thanks for bringing my boat. — Eoin Colfer

Very well, I promise. So, what did you get for me?" Angeline paused for a beat. "Jeans." "What?" croaked Artemis. "And a T-shirt" ... Artemis took several breaths. "Does the T-shirt have any writing on it?" A rustling of paper crackled through the phone's speakers. "Yes, it's so cool. There's a picture of a boy who for some reason has no neck and only three fingers on each hand, and behind him in this sort of graffiti style is the words RANDOMOSIY. I don't know what that means but it sounds really current." Randomosity though Artemis, and he felt like weeping. — Eoin Colfer

You guys looking for my dad? People are always, like, looking for him, and he's never around. Daddy is so not here. And I mean that literally and spiritually. — Eoin Colfer

She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy, when the so-called counselors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.
-Artemis Fowl — Eoin Colfer

Holly died without a friend to hold her hand. Artemis felt her go, another gift of the magic. He kept on counting, brushing away the tears on his cheeks. — Eoin Colfer

You know, Miss Holly, you look very dramatic like that, backlit by the fire. Very attractive, if I may say so. I know you shared a moment passionne with Artemis which he subsequently fouled up with his typical boorish behavior. Let me just throw something out there for you to consider while we're chasing the probe: I share Artemis's passion but not his boorishness. No pressure; just think about it.
This was enough to elicit a deafening moment of silence even in the middle of a crisis, which Orion seemed to be blissfully unaffected by. — Eoin Colfer

Holly, do you trust me?"
Holly groaned. "Artemis, don't ask me that. I just know one of your outrageous plans is coming."
"Do you trust me?"
"Yes," Holly sighed. "I do. More than anyone. — Eoin Colfer

Artemis simple-toon — Eoin Colfer

Trust me. I haven't been wrong yet. — Eoin Colfer

This might hurt a little is universal code for this will definitely hurt a lot — Eoin Colfer

Really, I'm trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she's singing, but it doesn't appear to be over — Eoin Colfer

So, let's make a deal: If you do not voice all the withering comments about the weight or uselessness of this jacket that are no doubt swirling in that big brain of yours, then I will not mention the super-laser episode again. Agreed?"
This jacket is really cutting into my shoulders, thought Artemis. And it's so heavy that I could not outrun a slug.
But he said, "Agreed. — Eoin Colfer

Some people just needed to be stolen from. — Eoin Colfer

Artemis: "Right, brothers. Onward. Imagine yourself seated at a cafe in Montmartre."
Myles: "In Paris."
Artemis: "Yes, Paris. And try as you will, you cannot attract the waiter's attention. What do you do?"
Beckett: "Umm ... tell Butler to jump-jump-jump on his head?"
Myles: "I agree with simple-toon."
Artemis: "No! You simply raise one finger and say clearly 'ici, garcon.'"
Beckett: "Itchy what? — Eoin Colfer

Oh,It's going to be so easy to kill you,scoffed Opal. — Eoin Colfer

This is what love does, he realized, and in that moment he understood why Artemis had kidnapped a fairy to get the money to find his father.
Love makes everything else seem
inconsequential — Eoin Colfer

Look!" said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, "Someone who cares! — Eoin Colfer

Can we please focus? We are supposed to be professionals." Holly said.
"Not me!" said Orion cheerily, "I'm just a Teenager with hormones running wild and may I say, young fairy lady, they're running wild in your direction. — Eoin Colfer

Being in command means making tough decisions. Not being in command means shutting up and doing what you're told.
Artemis Fowl — Eoin Colfer

I do remember, Holly. I remember it all. Especially you. It's a real comfort to have you here. — Eoin Colfer

That's what I thought. When I looked that human in the face. I figured he was either a genius or crazy."
Artemis's cool eyes glared at them from the screen.
"So which is it?" asked Foaly. "A genius or crazy?"
Root grabbed his tri-barreled blaster from the gun rack.
"What's the difference? — Eoin Colfer

Now I can do the bolts," she slurred. "I've been trying to focus enough magic all week."
The magic shifted and swirled, finally etching a picture in the air. It was a rough picture of Foaly, and he was laughing.
I hate you, centaur!" screamed Opal, lunging toward, and then through, the insubstantial image. Her eyes rolled back into her head, and then she collapsed, snoring, on the floor.
Artemis straightened his tie.
Freud, he was certain, would have a field day with that. — Eoin Colfer

Don't hate me forever, Arty," whispered Holly. "I couldn't bear that. — Eoin Colfer

Orion brightened. "I have an idea."
"Yes?" said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Artemis remained.
"Why don't we look for some magic stones that can grant wishes? Or, if that doesn't work, you could search my naked body for some mysterious birthmark that means I am actually the prince of somewhere or other. — Eoin Colfer

Holly clambered after him, struggling up the human-size steps.
"Wait! Just wait," she called, overtaking Artemis and looking him in the eye from one step up. "I know you, Artemis. You like to play your genius card close to your chest until the big reveal. And that's worked out for us so far. But this time you need to let me in. I can help. So, tell me the truth, do you have a plan?"
Artemis met his friend's gaze and lied to her face.
"No," he said. "No plan. — Eoin Colfer

He threw his head back and sang, "'I am a centaur, yes, a centaur is what I am.' It's not like you to wax, Artemis"
"Foaly is singing," said Holly. "Surely that's illegal? — Eoin Colfer

Certain battles were won by retreating. — Eoin Colfer

Wait," said Butler. "Just wait, Holly. Artemis has a plan." He squinted through the green dome. "What is your plan, Artemis?"
All Artemis could do was smile and shrug. — Eoin Colfer

Well, young man, have you found anyone worthy of your respect?"
Artemis smiled back. "Yes," he said. "I believe I have. — Eoin Colfer

Artemis turned and stared at his friend with the blue eyes. Holly was staring back, and she was smiling.
"I remember," she said aloud. "You saved me."
Artemis smiled back. "It never happened," he said. — Eoin Colfer

Artemis and Holly stood together in their underwear, gingerly locking fingers. They had crossed space and time together, weathered rebellions and tangled with demented despots. Coughed blood, lost digits, inhaled dwarf fumes and swapped eyeballs, yet they found holding hands awkward. — Eoin Colfer

Artemis remembered a few lines from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland: "But I don't want to go among mad people," said Alice. "Oh, you can't help that," said the cat. "We're all mad here. — Eoin Colfer

There will be consequences for this, he thought. You can't alter time and not be affected. But whatever the consequences are, I will bear them, because the alternative is too terrible. -Artemis Fowl, The Lost Colony — Eoin Colfer

Waitress: "And to drink?"
Artemis: "Spring water. Irish, if you have it. And no ice, please. As your ice is no doubt made from tap water, which rather defeats the purpose of spring water. — Eoin Colfer

Artemis: (shocked) Why, Doctor? This is a sensitive area. For all you know I could be suffering from depression.
Doctor Po: I suppose you could. Is that the case?
Artemis: (head in hands) It's my mother, Doctor.
Doctor Po: Yes?
Artemis: My mother, she ...
Doctor Po: Your mother, yes?
Artemis: She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy when the school's so-called counsellors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees. — Eoin Colfer

Artemis said, "I don't like lollipops." It was a woefully inadequate response, and Artemis was instantly appalled with himself. Pathetic really. I don't like lollipops. No self respecting criminal mastermind would be caught dead using the word lollipops. He really would have to put together a database of witty responses for occasions such a this. — Eoin Colfer

Just what we need," moaned Holly. "Artemis Fowl with magical powers. — Eoin Colfer

You didn't foresee a troll-riding dwarf pushing your plane down the runway. You must be losing your touch, Artemis. He — Eoin Colfer

Why can't we for once have a meeting in Starbucks? — Eoin Colfer

The little boys did as they were told, eager to please their deranged brother.
"Ici, garcon," they chorused, pudgy fingers raised. And then from the corner of his mouth, Myles whispered to his twin, "Artemis simple-toon. — Eoin Colfer

He's a gem, sir. I wish I had one just like him." He rattled the ring of keys on Artemis's belt. "And what are these?" Artemis scratched his head. "Uh, keys? — Eoin Colfer

Orion nodded, then asked, "Dwarf cheese?"
"Cheese made by dwarfs."
"Oh," said Orion, relieved. "They make it. It's not actually ... "
"No. What a horrible thought."
"Exactly. — Eoin Colfer

Earth," he began, ignoring the impulse to open his notes folder and count the words. He knew this lecture by heart.
"Our home. She feeds us, she shelters us. Her gravity prevents us from flying off into space and freezing, before thawing out again and being crisped by the sun, none of which really matters, as we would have long since asphyxiated." Artemis paused for laughter and was surprised when it did not arrive. "That was a little joke. I read in a presentation manual that a joke often serves to break the ice. And I actually worked icebreaking into the joke, so there were layers to my humor. — Eoin Colfer

She can't afford to commit more troops,' Holly whispered. 'The gate is her priority, and she needs to have as many Berserkers watching her back as possible. We are secondary at this point.'
'That will be her undoing,' Artemis gasped, already suffering under the weight of the flak jacket. 'Artemis Fowl will never be secondary.'
'I thought you were Artemis Fowl the Second?' said Holly. — Eoin Colfer

You need to stop thinking with your head, Mud Boy, and start thinking with your heart.
Artemis sighed. The heart was an organ for pumping oxygen-rich blood to the cells. It could no more think than an apple could tap-dance. — Eoin Colfer

Artemis ducked. Cudgeon didn't. Guess what? Artemis was smarter. — Eoin Colfer

How was your ... eh ... trip?"
Artemis felt the sting of tears in his own eyes. "Um, eventful ... — Eoin Colfer

Artemis: How long will it take you to prepare the time spell?
N1 chewed his knuckle: About as long as it takes you to take your clothes off.
"Aaarrk," Artemis half choked. — Eoin Colfer

I just pulled a pretty big job and needed to hide out for awhile."
" ... Where's all the loot?"
"That, as my cousin Nord would say, is where my improvised lie falls apart."
Artemis put two and two together and arrived at a very unpleasant four.
"You were here to rob me!"
"No, I wasn't. How dare you?! — Eoin Colfer

Holly is alive,' thought Foaly
'My princess lives,'exulted Orion. 'And we're chasing a dragon — Eoin Colfer

Have you ever heard of the theory of relativity?"
Artemis blinked. "Is this a joke? I have traveled through time, Doctor. I think I know a little something about relativity. — Eoin Colfer

Butler was seeing the world as it was, complete with L.E.P retrival team — Eoin Colfer

Radomosity, thought Artemis. And he felt like weeping. — Eoin Colfer

Are you saying that you people knew about these amorophobots all the time?"
"Of course we did. They attacked us in Iceland. Remember?"
"No. I was unconscious. — Eoin Colfer

How could you ... ? How?"
"Logically you have no right to be angry. I simply followed your lead."
... He is really going through with it.
"No," She managed.
"There is no other way. — Eoin Colfer

How did that go?' he asked. 'Your first lengthy conversation with a girl your own age?'
'Fabulous,' said Artemis, voice dripping with sarcasm. 'We're planning a June wedding. — Eoin Colfer

The craft's occupants clutched their armrests, and more than one of them closed their eyes. But not Artemis. He couldn't. There was something morbidly fascinating about flying into an uncharted tunnel at a reckless speed with only a kleptomaniac dwarf's word for what lay at the other end. — Eoin Colfer

Play along, the wink said. I'll get you out of this.
At least Artemis hoped this was what his wink communicated and not something like 'Any chance of another kiss later? — Eoin Colfer

I can grow cameras!" she had shrieked at the Brill brothers during one briefing. "Who's to say that despicable centaur Foaly hasn't succeded in splicing surveillance equiptment to plants? So get rid of all the flowers. Rocks, too. I don't trust them. Sullen little blebers. — Eoin Colfer

Jon Spiro might have "stuff " that the military didn't have, but Artemis Fowl had "stuff " that humans had never seen. — Eoin Colfer

It looks like you've found an intellectual equal, Mulch," said Holly. "It's a pity he isn't a girl; then you could marry him."
Mulch imitated shock. "Romance outside your species. Now THAT's disgusting. What kind of weirdo would kiss someone when they weren't even part of the same species? — Eoin Colfer

Holly winked. 'Do I look like a fly boy to you, Fowl?'
Artemis had to admit that she didn't. Captain Short was extremely pretty in a dangerous sort of way. Black-widow pretty. Artemis was expecting puberty to hit in approximately eight months, and he suspected that at that point he would look at Holly in a different light. It was probably just as well that she was eighty years old. — Eoin Colfer

And I will not be beaten by that jackass."
"Jackass?" said Foaly, wounded. "My favorite uncle is a jackass. — Eoin Colfer

Artemis: I am not buoyed by that.
Foaly: You are not supposed to be buoyed by that. You are supposed to be equalized.
Mulch: I'm pretty sure that both of you just made really horrible jokes. But I'm not sure because I think you broke my funny bone. — Eoin Colfer

Artemis: Holly, how did you find me?
Holly: Oh, I saw a huge explosion and wondered: now, who could that be? — Eoin Colfer

HOLLY: Are you suggesting I occasionally stray from the rule book?
FOALY: No. I'm suggesting you do not own a copy of the rule book, and if you do, you have certainly never opened it. — Eoin Colfer

Butler," he called, his voice thin and childlike in the wind.
"Yes, Artemis, what?"
"If something goes wrong, wait for me. No matter how it looks, I will return. I will bring them all back. — Eoin Colfer

So, what did you get for me?"
Angeline paused for a beat. "Jeans."
"What?" croaked Artemis.
"And a T-shirt. — Eoin Colfer

Hey, look - your girlfriend is saying something.
Artemis had a vast mental reserve of scathing comebacks at his disposal, but none of them covered girlfriend insults. He wasn't even sure if it was an insult. And if it was, who was being insulted? Him or the girl? — Eoin Colfer

And one more thing. About my name - Artemis - you were right. In London, it is generally a female name, after the Greek goddess of archery. But every now and then a male comes along with such a talent for hunting that he earns the right to use the name. I am that male. Artemis the hunter. I hunted you. — Eoin Colfer

Artemis looked at Holly and felt a tremendous affection for her ... he could properly appreciate how fierce and beautiful his best friend was ...
She is truly magical, thought Artemis. Perhaps her qualities are more obvious to me now that I have decided to sacrifice myself. — Eoin Colfer

How does she know it's the right room?' wondered Descant.
Oh, I don't know; mabye it's the magical red glow coming from the doorway, or perhaps it's the deafening howl of the temporal winds.' said Mervall.
Descant nodded.'You could be right, brother. And don't think I don't know sarcasm when I hear it. — Eoin Colfer

Gold is power-artemis fowl I liked the artemis fowl series because its about a boy genius — Eoin Colfer

Remember the pain?' thought Artemis. I hate myself. I really do. — Eoin Colfer

Card five hundred and thirty-four," repeated Artemis. "Of a series of six hundred standard inkblot cards. I memorized them during our sessions. You don't even shuffle."
Argon checked the number on the back of the card: 534. Of course. "Knowing the number doesn't answer the question. What do you see?"
Artemis allowed his lip to wobble. "I see an ax dripping with blood. Also a scared child, and an elf clothed in the skin of a troll."
"Really?" Argon was interested now.
"No. Not really. I see a secure building, perhaps a family home, with four windows. A trustworthy pet, and a pathway leading from the door into the distance. I think, if you check your manual, you will find that these answers fall inside healthy parameters."
Argon did not need to check. The Mud Boy was right, as usual. — Eoin Colfer

The next minute or so was spent howling on the ceiling . Imp No.1 joined in, but he wasn't really feeling it. It shouldn't be "Who do we hate?", he thought, it really should be "whom", but this probably wasn't a good time to bring that up. — Eoin Colfer

Ah, yes, the trusty time paradox. If I go back in time and kill my grandfather, then shall I cease to exist? I believe, as Gorben and Berndt did, that any repercussions are already being felt. We can only change the future, not the past or present. If I go back, then I have already been back.
- Artemis Fowl — Eoin Colfer

Friendship isn't a science mudboy. Just do what you think is right. — Eoin Colfer

Im riding a troll! i was born to do this,and steal stuff, and EAT LOADS! — Eoin Colfer

Either that boy is the sanest creature on Earth, he thought, or he is so disturbed that our tests cannot even begin to scratch the surface. — Eoin Colfer

Butler could kill you a hundred different ways without use of his armoury. Though I'm sure one would be quite sufficient. — Eoin Colfer

There are always a few bored audience members at an opera, especially by the time act four comes along. Those particular eyes would be wandering around the hall, searching for something, anything, interesting to watch. Those eyes would land on the little demon downstage right, unless they were distracted.
Right on cue, a large stage lamp broke free of its clamp in the rigging and swung on its cable into the back canvas. [ ... ]
On his way though the lobby minutes later, Artemis was highly amuse to overhear several audience members gushing over the unorthodox direction of the opera's final scene. The exploding lamp, muse one buff, was doubtless a metaphor for Norma's own falling star. But no, argued a second. The lamp was obviously a modernistic interpretation of the burning stake that Norma was about to face.
Or perhaps, thought Artemis as he pushed through the crowd to find a light Sicilian mist falling on his forehead, the exploding lamp was simply an exploding lamp. — Eoin Colfer

The humans were protecting their heritage, or so they thought. Strange that Mud Men seem more concerned about the past than the present. — Eoin Colfer

I hear that you were on a date with Trouble Kelp. Are you two planning on building a bivouac any time soon? — Eoin Colfer

Let's save some time here. I grow weary of your clumsy bluffs. In the case of an abduction, the LEP will send a crack Retrieval team to get back what has been lost.. You have done so. Excuse me while I titter. Crack team? Honestly. A Cub-Scout patrol armed with water pistols could have defeated them. — Eoin Colfer

Artemis grabbed her shoulders, for once abandoning his shell of icy composure. "Holly, Holly, speak to me. Your finger is it okay?"
Holly wiggled her fingers, then curled them into a fist.
"I think so," she said, and whacked Artemis right between the eyes. The surprised boy landed in a snowdrift for the third time that day.
Holly winked at an amazed butler.
"Now we're even," she said.
Commander Root didn't have many treasured memories. But in future days, when things were at their grimmest, he would conjure up this moment and have a quiet chuckle. — Eoin Colfer

It can play solitaire and minesweeper, replied Artemis innocently. — Eoin Colfer

Why can't I solve this problem by killing someone? she though petulantly, then comforted herself with the mantra that had kept her going in prison: "Soon all the humans will be dead," she said, droning in the time-honored fashion of gurus everywhere. "And then Opal will be loved."
And even if I'm not loved, she thought, at least all the humans will be dead. — Eoin Colfer

Holly: Seven and a half hours to save the world. Isn't there some law that says we get twenty-four?
Artemis: I don't think Opal pays much attention to laws. — Eoin Colfer

Tea? At the beach? No time for luxuries, Holly. There is important work to be done." He winked at Butler.
"Are you sure you're at the library? I thought I heard water."
Artemis smiled, enjoying the exchange. "Water? Surely not. The only thing flowing here is information."
"Are you grinning, Artemis? For some reason I get the feeling that you're wearing that smug smile of yours. — Eoin Colfer

They were in a position of total ignorance and people in that position often died without being enlightened. — Eoin Colfer

The boy who kidnapped Holly Short all those years ago would never have entertained the notion of sacrificing himself. But he was no longer that boy. His parents were restored to him, and he had brothers. And dear friends. Something else Artemis had never anticipated. — Eoin Colfer

Artemis Fowl grinned right back at him and pointed his index finger to the sky ... from the tip of this finger sprang a small blue spark that exploded like a tiny firework.
"I know magic can be stolen," said Artemis. "Because I stole some myself. — Eoin Colfer

[Artemis] returned to the aft bay for Mulch's version of a briefing.
The dwarf had drawn a crude diagram on a backlit wall panel. In fairness, there were more artistic chimpanzees. And less pungent ones. Mulch was using a carrot as a pointer, or more accurately, several carrots. Dwarfs liked carrots.
'This is Koboi Labs,' He mumbled around a mouthful of vegetable.
'That?' exclaimed Root.
'I realize, Julius, that it is not an accurate schematic.'
The Commander exploded from his chair. 'An accurate schematic? It's a rectangle for heaven's sake!'
Mulch was unperturbed. 'That's not important. This is the important bit.'
'That wobbly line?'
'It's a fissure,' pouted the dwarf. 'Anybody can see that.'
'Anybody in kindergarten maybe. So it's a fissure, so what?'
'This is the clever bit. Y'see that fissure is not usually there.'
Root began strangling the air again. Something he was doing more and more lately. — Eoin Colfer

Perhaps we can win, he thought. But there will be no happy ending — Eoin Colfer