Colbert's Quotes & Sayings

The only thing that I don't like is my kids watching comedy that isn't actually funny. There's a lot of supposed tween comedy on TV that isn't particularly funny, but it's got a lot of laugh track. And I go, 'Please don't watch that. Please just watch something that's actually funny.' — Stephen Colbert

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow. — Stephen Colbert

Simply being a guest on David Letterman's show has been a highlight of my career. I never dreamed that I would follow in his footsteps, though everyone in late night follows Dave's lead. I'm thrilled and grateful that CBS chose me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go grind a gap in my front teeth. — Stephen Colbert

It's clear that when we're this outnumbered by the creatures, we have to take a page from the British Empire and rule the lesser species through intimidation. That's why the single most important thing you can do as a human is to dominate an animal. Need more proof?
"Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living
creature that moves on the ground." I'd say that about covers it. — Stephen Colbert

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, as it's known to Native Americans - Sarcastic You're Welcomesgiving. — Stephen Colbert

Good satire goes beyond the specific point it's trying to make and teaches you how to think critically. Even after your favorite cartoonist retires or [Stephen] Colbert wraps it up, you're not left believing everything they're telling you. — Aaron McGruder

Last night, we did the Threatdown
God, it's hard to even talk about this
and for the first time, I didn't mention bears. It's winter, they're asleep, I didn't think it would be a problem. But today I see this in the Toronto Globe and Mail
apparently a 700-pound polar bear showed up at a children's hockey game. I've said this before, they're after our kids
they're tender, juicy, you don't even have to throw away the bones. — Stephen Colbert

It's time for me to give out an award to newly elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner was elected just a few days ago to reform House Republicans, who are feeling the heat from lobbyist scandals. Well, CNN found out that he rents his two-bedroom apartment from a lobbyist who had clients who had interests in legislation that Boehner sponsored. And for that, Mr. Boehner, you've just won a pair of Stephen Colbert's big brass balls. — Stephen Colbert

It matters more what's in a woman's face than what's on it. — Claudette Colbert

There's a wonderfully cooperative relationship between management and labor right now. Much like the historic partnership between oranges and a juicer. — Stephen Colbert

Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action. — Stephen Colbert

Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law. — Stephen Colbert

I was asked to be on 'The Colbert Report' last year as Big Bird and Oscar. But when we got there, we discovered they wanted both characters on at the same time. Stephen Colbert didn't know one man plays them both. We called Joey Mazzarino, our head writer, who's a very good puppeteer as well. He agreed to zip over and do Oscar. — Caroll Spinney

There once was a man name Barack,
Whose re-election came as a shock.
He raised the taxes I pay,
And then turned marriage gay.
And now he's coming after your glock. — Stephen Colbert

Any religion whose messiah's name
isn't recognized by Microsoft Word can't be that much of
a threat. — Stephen Colbert

Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative. — Stephen Colbert

When I read books it's to escape. It's so I don't have to talk to people. — Stephen Colbert

God says that His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. This means there's room for improvement when it comes to our thought life. — Evangeline Colbert

There's always been some concern that adult subject matter should be quarantined from a page that attracts children. Unlike late at night, when 'South Park' and 'Colbert' are on, impressionable minds are wide awake when the newspaper arrives. — Garry Trudeau

I'm the frosting on America's cake, and tonight I'm willing to let you lick the bowl. — Stephen Colbert

It's lamented that the youth get their news from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. It's lamentable that they get more from them than from the news. — Dick Cavett

Late-night shows are 'Chopped.' Who are your guests tonight? Your guests tonight are veal tongue, coffee grounds and gummy bears. There, make a show ... Make an appetizer that appeals to millions of people. That's what I like. How could you possibly do it? Oh, you bring in your own flavors. Your own house band is another flavor. — Stephen Colbert

I love Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart because they're bringing irony back into American humor, which is a delicious treat. The entire Colbert persona of being extreme right-wing when he's not at all is highly amusing. He does it so well, but sometimes a little too well. My wife is convinced he's completely that way. — John Lydon

John Boehner chose a huge gavel. I think somebody's compensating for his small government. — Stephen Colbert

Why even dictate?
Well, like a lot of other dictators, there's one man's opinion I value above all others. Mine. — Stephen Colbert

Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty. — Stephen Colbert

The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I've always liked that phrase "He was visited by grief," because that's really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It's not like it's in me and I'm going to deal with it. It's a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door. — Stephen Colbert

You seem cynical because you're always talking about that selfish behavior that's dressed up as altruism. It doesn't mean there isn't altruism. It just means that it's harder to make jokes about altruism. — Stephen Colbert

And of course I don't go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I'm carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it's a family name; I'm not changing it. — Stephen Colbert

Al Gore has a hit movie called 'An Inconvenient Truth.' I have an inconvenient truth for him: you're still not the president ... This past weekend, Al Gore's movie, 'An Inconvenient Truth,' earned more per screen than any film in the country ... I dare say Gore's movie is the highest grossing PowerPoint presentation in history ... Global warming: Can we live with it? ... It is time we did something, namely resign ourselves to doing nothing [on screen: Follow Congress' Lead] ... For instance, when sea levels rise, we'll just build levees [on screen: Worked for New Orleans] — Stephen Colbert

History moves fast. It's hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did! — Stephen Colbert

If you imitate someone, you owe them a royalty check. If you emulate them, you don't. There's a big difference. Check your lawyer. — Stephen Colbert

Arby's: If I was about to be killed, I would eat it. — Stephen Colbert

Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done. Except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all. — Stephen Colbert

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards. — Stephen Colbert

We all know why [the generals] are so critical of the defense secretary. They're being defensive because they weren't able to implement his brilliant plan [on screen: Operation 'Greet Us As Liberators']. It was so simple: Go in with 100,000 troops, topple the regime, everybody loves us, and we leave by Easter 2003. These ex-military men have their right to their opinions, that's fine. They just shouldn't voice them during a war [on screen: 'Loose Lips Sink Approval Ratings'] — Stephen Colbert

If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist. — Stephen Colbert

If it's called the USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday? — Stephen Colbert

Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway. — Stephen Colbert

That was perfect, because Tracey knows Jon better than anybody, and what he might really want, and what he's capable of saying he wants. Plus, also, I think in the back of both my head and Stephen's was, if Jon is really pissed afterward, we can say, "Hey, Tracey said it was okay!"

STEPHEN COLBERT: Find somebody to throw under the bus - that's the first rule of show business. — Chris Smith

Here you go, dear."" The corners of Mrs. Colbert's mouth curled up. "You like meat, don't you?"
Emily blinked. Was it her, or did that statement seem ... loaded? She checked Issac for his reaction, but he was innocently selecting a roll from a wicker basket. "Uh, thanks." Emily said, pulling the platter toward her. She did like meat. The kind you, um, eat. — Sara Shepard

Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote. — Stephen Colbert

My secret love, Billy Colbert, had to make up the same test.
Afterward, we left the chemistry lab together. 'Well, it was long,' Billy said, 'but it wasn't hard.'
'I thought it was long *and* hard,' I replied.
'Oh, cut it out, Rachel,' Billy remonstrated. 'If there's one thing I can't stand, it's brains who pretend they suffer just as much as the rest of us.'
'I'm not a brain in chemistry,' I protested. 'If I get good grades in science or math, it's because I work. You're the brain in chemistry. I hate that word, brain, anyway. Everyone has a brain, and they're all about the same size, even a moron's. — Barbara Cohen

I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche and then applies an antibiotic cream. You gotta keep it away from your eyes. — Stephen Colbert

Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem. — Stephen Colbert

Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.' He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate. — Stephen Colbert

Vodka eyeballing sounds great, but it's a
slippery slope. Next, you'll be scotch nostriling, tequila nippling and,
before you know it, Jager tainting. — Stephen Colbert

Divorce is marital welfare.It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married. — Stephen Colbert

Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It's a devious con that can only be described as insurance. — Stephen Colbert

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin. If that ever happens, it's only because something happened during the interview that got me going, and then I had to translate my feelings to the mouth of the character. — Stephen Colbert

I gut check my show. I say, I say, "Gut, gut, does that feel true to you?" And Gut says, "Yes it does, Stephen. Let's get a grilled cheese sandwich." — Stephen Colbert

There's a degree of narcissism involved in anything in show business. I mean, you can't do it without a healthy ego. Why would you want anybody to listen to you? — Stephen Colbert

And that brings us to tonight's word: Truthiness. Now I'm sure some of the word-police, the 'wordanistas' over at Websters, are gonna say, 'Hey, that's not a word!' Well, anybody who knows me knows that I am no fan of dictionaries or reference books. They're elitist. Constantly telling us what is or isn't true, what did or didn't happen. — Stephen Colbert

The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far. — Stephen Colbert

Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor. — Stephen Colbert

There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion. — Stephen Colbert

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ — Stephen Colbert

Citizens United said that transparency would be the disinfectant, but (c)(4)'s are warm, wet, moist incubators. There is no disinfectant. — Stephen Colbert

I'm not a standup. I didn't start off as a writer, I learned to write through improvisation, and so that's the part of the show that can most surprise me. The written part of the show, I know I can get wrong. You can't really get the interview "wrong." — Stephen Colbert

It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick. — Stephen Colbert

Odyssey Dawn? That's not a military operation. That's a Carnival Cruise ship. — Stephen Colbert

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp. — Stephen Colbert

Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book. — Stephen Colbert

I do love my country. I don't think I'm particularly a good American. I don't know what makes a good American. Other than somebody who - I like people who let other people alone. I think that's a pretty good American. And I keep my hands to myself. So I'm an OK American. — Stephen Colbert

The casting couch? There's only one of us who ever made it to stardom without it, and that was Bette Davis. — Claudette Colbert

I just want to do things that scratch an itch for me. That itch is often something that feels wrong. It's wrong because it breaks convention or is unexpected or at times uncomfortable. I like that feeling. — Stephen Colbert

I have a mug that actually verifies that I'm the world's best dad. That's a mug. That's not me talking. You can't just buy those. — Stephen Colbert

That's why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can't channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot. — Stephen Colbert

If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding. — Stephen Colbert

Thank God for Occupy and thank God for 'The Daily Show,' Colbert and the rising up that's going on around the world. — Bonnie Raitt

Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight
from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from the gut is waste left from the digestion of food. That's right, "waste." I guess that means that scientists literally think our opinions should be flushed down the toilet! — Stephen Colbert

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity. — Stephen Colbert

In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say congratulations. — Stephen Colbert

I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable "on notice"? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight? — Stephen Colbert

It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is. — Stephen Colbert

If you repeat it, it's true. If you repeat it, it's true. And through repetition, something becomes true. If you repeat it enough. Until it becomes true. Or do I need to repeat that for you? — Stephen Colbert

F**k them is what I say. I hate those ebooks. They can not be the future. They may well be. I will be dead. I won't give a s**t. — Maurice Sendak

As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds! — Stephen Colbert

The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's. — Stephen Colbert

People are watching TV, they're watching some clips on their iPhone. I mean, some folks are sitting there on the iPhone, watching the Colbert Report, and meanwhile there's a huge plasma TV right in front of them that they could be watching it on. — Biz Stone

Washington is dangerously positioned between two Canadas, Canada Canada and California's Canada, Oregon. — Stephen Colbert

I believe all God's creatures have a soul ... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines! — Stephen Colbert

Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that's going to make me seem kind of gay. — Stephen Colbert

That's what's great about America: that our freedom of religion allows me to interpret the Bible exactly how it fits my worldview already. — Stephen Colbert

America has faced hardships in the past but we have always mounted a comeback! We defeated the Nazis, we defeated the Native Americans, we defeated the environment, we even defeated the Metric System! Kilos? Sorry, that's drug talk. This is America! Where we eat fruit by the foot, not muesli by the meter. — Stephen Colbert

Other people's deconstruction of your motivations doesn't help you do what you do. You can't swallow and think about swallowing at the same time. — Stephen Colbert

Atheism: the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority. — Stephen Colbert

First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot ... and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes. — Stephen Colbert

Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke. — Stephen Colbert

Don't get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother's
responsibility. It's a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope. — Stephen Colbert

Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will. — Stephen Colbert

I know what's best for me, after all I have been in the Claudette Colbert business longer than anybody. — Claudette Colbert

Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American. — Stephen Colbert

I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes. — Stephen Colbert

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach ... just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage. — Stephen Colbert

It's no surprise I am addicted to all the Republican presidential candidates. They are like crack
in that they will devastate black communities. — Stephen Colbert

America is exceptional. Does that statement shock you? It shocks me to have to say it! To be forced by your doubt to say out loud that America is exceptional implies something ugly. It's like telling the host of a dinner party 'I'm certain your wife is a female.' Saying it out loud just feels wrong. No matter how big her hands are. — Stephen Colbert

There's a buzz to failing and not dying. — Stephen Colbert

Most of us don't know about happiness until it's over. — Claudette Colbert

I have no interest in behaving or thinking cynically. But it's an easy trap to be cynical about anything, certainly when you're talking about politics or the media. — Stephen Colbert