Classic Insult Humor Quotes & Sayings

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. — Mark Twain

He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more. — P.G. Wodehouse

What gets left out is the narrative between the bullets, which would tell us who's going to do what and how we're going to achieve the generic goals on the list. — Edward Tufte

Every instinct that is found in any man is in all men. The strength of the emotion may not be so overpowering, the barriers against possession not so insurmountable, the urge to accomplish the desire less keen. With some, inhibitions and urges may be neutralized by other tendencies. But with every being the primal emotions are there. All men have an emotion to kill; when they strongly dislike some one they involuntarily wish he was dead. I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction. — Clarence Darrow

Hertzfeld recalled that Gates just sat there coolly, looking at Steve in the eye, before hurling back, in his squeaky voice, what became a classic zinger. Well, Steve, I think there's more than one way of looking at it, I think it's more like we both had this rich neighbor named Xerox and I broke into his house to steal the TV set and found out that you had already stolen it. — Walter Isaacson

She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B. — Dorothy Parker

Guilt. Fear. Panic. Even love . . . it was all gone. All I had was . . . this. And for now, that was enough. — A Meredith Walters

Now, wilderness can be seen as a useful fiction, a fiction constructed by John Muir and his heirs and deployed to keep places from being destroyed by resource extraction and wholesale development. — Rebecca Solnit

To speak much is one thing; to speak to the point another! — Sophocles

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. — Dorothy Parker

An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea." Churchill's response, "Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it. — Winston S. Churchill

DESDEMONA: I hope my noble lord esteems me honest.
OTHELLO: Oh, ay, as summer flies are in the shambles,
That quicken even with blowing. O thou weed,
Who art so lovely fair and smell'st so sweet
That the sense aches at thee, would thou hadst ne'er been born!
DESDEMONA: Alas, what ignorant sin have I committed?
OTHELLO: Was this fair paper, this most goodly book,
Made to write "whore" upon? — William Shakespeare

What have you got in there you little bastard? — St John Morris

This is our story to tell. You'd think for all the reading I do, I would have thought about this before, but I haven't. I've never once thought about the interpretative, the story telling aspect of life, of my life. I always felt like I was in a story, yes, but not like I was the author of it, or like I had any say in its telling whatsoever. — Jandy Nelson

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them. — Dorothy Parker

CASSIO: Dost thou hear, my honest friend?
CLOWN: No, I hear not your honest friend, I hear you.
CASSIO: Prithee, keep up thy quillets. — William Shakespeare

I cannot say your worships have delivered the matter well when I find the ass in compound with the major part of your syllables [ ... ] our very priests must become mockers if they shall encounter such ridiculous subjects as you are. When you speak best unto the purpose, it is not worth the wagging of your beards, and your beards deserve not so honorable a grave as to stuff a botcher's cushion or to be entombed in an ass's packsaddle [ ... ] more of your conversation would infect my brain, being the herdsmen of the beastly plebeians. I will be bold to take my leave with you. — William Shakespeare

If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised. — Dorothy Parker