Clarkson Jeremy Quotes & Sayings

In Conisborough there's no Hoxton Square to bring a bit of light relief. It's just mile after mile of broken windows and the bloody Earth Centre. — Jeremy Clarkson

I wore a groove in the kitchen floor with endless trips to the fridge, hoping against hope that I had somehow missed a plateful of cold sausages on the previous 4,000 excursions. Then, for no obvious reason, I decided to buy a footstool. — Jeremy Clarkson

Honest to God, the Qubo is so slow that if you climbed into one this morning in Hunstanton and attempted to drive south as fast as possible, coastal erosion would swallow you up by Wednesday evening. — Jeremy Clarkson

Ambition is a very dangerous thing because either you achieve it and your life ends prematurely, or you don't, in which case your life is a constant source of disappointment. You must never have ambition. — Jeremy Clarkson

If you were to buy a [BMW] 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends' houses so they don't see its backside. — Jeremy Clarkson

Sips fuel like a mouse sipping sherry from a hypodermic needle. — Jeremy Clarkson

I'm not only in touch with my feminine side, I'm in touch with my gay side as well. — Jeremy Clarkson

Some say that he has no understanding of clouds, and that his ear wax tastes like Turkish Delight. All we know is he's called the Stig. — Jeremy Clarkson

Mix an anorexic body with a heart made of pure fire and you are going to go with a savagery that's hard to explain. — Jeremy Clarkson

When you've finished using a car, put the f***ing seat back, so humans can use it afterwards. — Jeremy Clarkson

Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would. — Jeremy Clarkson

Asking the front wheels of a car to do their normal job of steering while handling more than 170hp is like asking a man to wire a plug while juggling ... penguins ... while making love ... to a beautiful woman while on fire, on stage ... in front of the Queen. It's all going to go wrong. — Jeremy Clarkson

I think it's because, in our complicated lives, we yearn only for the simple. An evening in front of the telly. A nice sit-down. A game of cards. At a drinks party, I can find myself talking to a fascinating and beautiful woman who's just written a book about something interesting and clever. But what I yearn for is to be in the pub with my mates. — Jeremy Clarkson

All this health and safety talk is just killing me. — Jeremy Clarkson

There are many ways to tell if someone is a bit thick. You can sit them in a room and ask them to push various bits of plastic into a wooden box. Or you can ask them to describe a cloud. Or you can carefully measure the distance between their eyes, the height of their forehead or the length of their arm. — Jeremy Clarkson

No, no, no. There's no such thing as cheap and cheerful. It's cheap and nasty & expensive and cheerful. — Jeremy Clarkson

I came up with the best pastime in the history of man. What you do is find an aerosol tin of spray adhesive, such as you would use to stick posters to a wall. You then lie in wait and when a wasp flies by, you leap out and give it a squirt. Bingo. One minute it's flying; the next it's tumbling silently out of the sky with a confused look on its stupid little face. — Jeremy Clarkson

Sometimes I stagger even myself with my genius. — Jeremy Clarkson

I am aware, of course, that many men do hate the sight of their wife and children. Doctors even have a name for these people: 'anglers'. — Jeremy Clarkson

It's a risky business being a cyclist in the UK, there are a lot of people who really dislike us. It's the Jeremy Clarkson influence - we're hated on the roads. We just hope people realise we are just flesh and bones on two wheels. — Victoria Pendleton

Like many men, I can never find anything that I'm looking for, even when I'm actually looking at it. In a fridge, I think milk is actually invisible to the male eye. And so, it turns out, are dirty great holes in the fence. — Jeremy Clarkson

We live in the worst country in the world. At least we do for lazy, inefficient, office-bound police, whose response to an extraordinary rise in violent crime is to order more speed cameras. — Jeremy Clarkson

Hollywood movies are designed for 15-year-old youths from North Dakota who, intellectually speaking, are on equal terms with a British zoo animal. — Jeremy Clarkson

I think people who watch 'Top Gear' think they're the only ones watching it, which I quite like, because it can hopefully last for a long time. — Jeremy Clarkson

Nothing can prepare you for the yawning chasm of time that passes in Canada before the healthcare system actually does any healthcare. — Jeremy Clarkson

I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do? — Jeremy Clarkson

I rang up Jay Kay, who's got one, and said: 'Can we borrow yours?' and he said, 'Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing.' — Jeremy Clarkson

Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what BEING STABBED? — Jeremy Clarkson

Planet Earth thought it had £10. But it turns out we only had £2. Which means everyone must lose 80% of their wealth — Jeremy Clarkson

I have a rule of thumb that allows me to judge, when times is pressing and one needs to make a snap judgment, whether or not some sexist bullshit is afoot. Obviously, it's not 100% infallible but by and large it definitely points you in the right direction and it's asking this question; are the men doing it? Are the men worrying about this as well? Is this taking up the men's time? Are the men told not to do this, as it's letting the side down? Are the men having to write bloody books about this exasperating retarded, time-wasting, bullshit? Is this making Jeremy Clarkson feel insecure?
Almost always the answer is no. The boys are not being told they have to be a certain way, they are just getting on with stuff. — Caitlin Moran

The newest Ferrari of them all, the 458, the Italia. The GT3 was good, but nowhen near as good as this ... almost nothing on Earth is as good as this ... Set that something I've just told, involving Cameron Diaz ... and some honey ... then it comes that even that isn't as good as this. — Jeremy Clarkson

Biathletes need to eat 6.000 calories a day: six thousand! That's the equivalent of 2 pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yogurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 TWIX bars. On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete! — Jeremy Clarkson

You take out an injunction against somebody or some organisation and immediately news of that injunction and the people involved and the story behind the injunction is in a legal-free world on Twitter and the Internet. It's pointless. — Jeremy Clarkson

If the Scottish want to break away, I shall stand on Hadrian's Wall with a teary handkerchief, and say: 'Good riddance to the lot of you, and take your stupid bagpipes with you.' — Jeremy Clarkson

Because drug dealers shoot each other in London, Norfolk farmers can't have guns to defend their homes. I mean, no one wants a gun - except at 4am when they hear a strange sound in the kitchen. — Jeremy Clarkson

and although the W came along in the tenth century, modern Germans still seem to manage perfectly well by using a V instead. Except when the German managing director of Aston Martin tries to say 'vanquish'. — Jeremy Clarkson

Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sportscar in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President. — Jeremy Clarkson

I've been told by the BBC that if I make one more offensive remark, anywhere, at any time, I will be sacked. And even the angel Gabriel would struggle to survive with that hanging over his head. It's inevitable that one day, someone, somewhere will say that I've offended them, and that will be that. — Jeremy Clarkson

Does anyone really imagine for a moment that my wife gives two stuffs about global warming? She certainly did not appear to be all that bothered on Thursday evening when, during the great carbon-saving switch-off, I ran round the house furiously turning on every light, hair dryer, dishwasher and toaster. — Jeremy Clarkson

The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite — Jeremy Clarkson

Unlike furious thin-lipped feminists, I tend not to draw distinctions between men and women, apart from in bed where you really do need to spot the difference. — Jeremy Clarkson

Americans are good at herding Bison. The end. — Jeremy Clarkson

Jeremy Clarkson is rather charming, but I can't stomach his public persona. I don't like his casual racism and casual misogyny. — Jo Brand

This is perfect for India because everyone who comes here gets the trots. — Jeremy Clarkson

There are many rules for the elderly in the Highway Code. I have one too, and here it is: get a bloody move on. — Jeremy Clarkson

Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill and then run over him again for good measure. They are designed to melt ice caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands and turn the entire third world into a huge uninhabitable desert, all that before they nicked all the oil in the world — Jeremy Clarkson

That [Pagani] Zonda, really! It's like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time. — Jeremy Clarkson

The prime minister is a Labour Tory. There's a mosque at the end of your street and a French restaurant next door. We are neither in nor out of Europe. We are famous for our beer but we drink in wine bars. We are not a colonial power but we still have a commonwealth. We are jealous of the rich but we buy into the Hello! celebrity culture. We live in a United Kingdom that's no longer united. We are muddled. — Jeremy Clarkson

I do not wish to help Jeremy Clarkson be amusing in the event of my death. — James May

I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: Oh no, my head has just exploded! — Jeremy Clarkson

I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time. — Jeremy Clarkson

International hand of freindship. A cigarette — Jeremy Clarkson

He (Jeremy Clarkson) is the last man standing on the beach commanding the glaciers' melt waters to go back — A.A. Gill

Being smarter than you look is better than looking smarter than you are. — Jeremy Clarkson

If you go through the pearly gates backwards in a fireball, that's a cool way to die! — Jeremy Clarkson

Speed focuses the mind. It cuts through the fog of drab everyday living and keeps us on our toes. Speed works. Speed saves lives. Speed is good. And we should have more of it, not less. — Jeremy Clarkson

I took ten days off and by 11 o'clock on the first morning I had drunk fourteen cups of coffee, read all the newspapers and the Guardian and then ... and then what?
By lunchtime I was so bored that I decided to hang a few pictures. So I found a hammer, and later a man came to replaster the bits of wall I had demolished. Then I tried to fix the electric gates, which work only when there's an omega in the month. So I went down the drive with a spanner, and later another man came to put them back together again.
I was just about to start on the Aga, which had broken down on Christmas Eve, as they do, when my wife took me on one side by my earlobe and explained that builders do not, on the whole, spend their spare time writing, so writers should not build on their days off. It's expensive and it can be dangerous, she said. — Jeremy Clarkson

I think it's a good idea to tie Peter Mandelson to a van. Such an act would be cruel and barbaric and inhuman. But it would at least cheer everyone up a bit. — Jeremy Clarkson

The fact is that Britain is the most warlike nation on earth. In the history of armed combat, we are the only democracy to have declared war on another democracy - England versus Finland in the second world war, in case you're interested - and we're always at the front of the queue when Johnny Foreigner gets a bit uppity. Who stood up to the Kaiser? Who stood up to Adolf? And let's not forget the Argies. What other country would have sent its fleet halfway round the world and lost 250 men to protect a flock of sheep and some oil that might or might not be there? We're still at it. — Jeremy Clarkson

Cows eat grass and silage. This is melting the ice caps and killing us all. So they need a new foodstuff: something that is rich in iron, calcium and natural goodness. Plainly they cannot eat meat so here is an idea to chew on. Why not feed them vegetarians? — Jeremy Clarkson

It won't be a volcano that ends man's existence on this planet. It'll be the no-win no-fee lawyers. They are the ones who brought Europe to a halt last week. They are the ones who made a simple trip from Berlin to London into a five-country, all-day hammer blow on your licence fee. They are the ones who must be stopped. — Jeremy Clarkson

Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York, and that he has a full size tattoo of his face, on his face. All we know is he's called the Stig. — Jeremy Clarkson

You have city centre pubs where men go to meet girls, not realising that all girls in city centre pubs have thighs like tug boats and morals that would surprise a zoo animal. — Jeremy Clarkson

Back in August 1960 an American pilot called Joe Kittinger climbed into the open gondola beneath a balloon called Excelsior III and floated up to 102,800 feet. At this point, 20 miles above the Earth in what is technically space, he jumped. Moments later he became the first man to go through the sound barrier without the benefit of a plane. It was, and still is, the highest parachute jump ever, and it proved you can 'abandon ship' even when you're in space. — Jeremy Clarkson

I'm sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. — Jeremy Clarkson

Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you've got the Ebola virus and you're about to sneeze. — Jeremy Clarkson

No really. If you only have seven years left, that means the Reaper will be dropping round for tea and buns in about 61,000 hours from now. You therefore shouldn't be wasting time by pootling to the garden centre at walking pace. So come on, grandad. The clock's ticking. Pedal to the metal. Or you'll be in your flowerbed before the plants you bought. — Jeremy Clarkson

It was as relaxing as being tickled. — Jeremy Clarkson

There's never been a safer time to go for a ride. Sadly, though, there's a problem. You see, cycling is seen now not as something that might be exhilarating or even useful but as a frontline propaganda weapon in the war on capitalism, banking, freedom, McDonald's, injustice, Swiss drug companies, rape and progress. Every morning London is chock-full of little individually wrapped Twiglets, their wizened faces contorted with hatred for all that they see. Fat people. Cars. Chain stores. It's all fascism. Fascism, d'you hear? From what they see as the moral high ground, they sneer at pedestrians, howl at buses, bang on cars, scream at taxi drivers and charge through every convention that defines society with their walnutty bottoms in the air and their stupid legs going nineteen to the dozen. — Jeremy Clarkson

Everything I have ever bought is in my car. People say it's a skip and disgusting, and refuse to get in there. That's one advantage. Another is that last week, I needed a headache pill and it was simply a case of rummaging under the seat until I found one. Because it's so full of junk, I always have everything I could conceivably need. A Biro, a refreshing drink, lots of loose change, all sorts of maps, an iron lung, and so on. I kid you not. There's even a wetsuit in there. — Jeremy Clarkson

[A Bugatti Veyron is] quite the most stunning piece of automotive engineering ever created ... At a stroke then, the Veyron has rendered everything I've ever said about any other car obsolete. It's rewritten the rule book, moved the goalposts and in the process, given Mother Nature a bloody nose. — Jeremy Clarkson

The new MX-5 is like the new Ford Mondeo and the Subaru
Legacy Outback. It is one of those cars that's absolutely brilliant ... and nobody buys it. You never see one on the road. — Jeremy Clarkson

Recently, I spent eight days in a car with my co-host from Top Gear James May, who has a notoriously flatulent bottom. But because he was living on army rations the interior was always pine fresh and lemon zesty. — Jeremy Clarkson

If a football official were to call for a slow-motion replay every time Didier Drogba fell over, each match would last about six weeks. — Jeremy Clarkson

If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning, and you think you are an onion, this is your car, (about the BMW X3). — Jeremy Clarkson

To address this, we must wage a war on the militants. First, we must make it an offence, punishable by many years in jail, to ride a bicycle in anything other than what I like to call home clothes. Cycling shops selling gel for your bottom crack and outfits with padded gussets will be raided by the police and the owners prosecuted. This way, cyclists will be stripped of their uniforms and made to look like human beings. — Jeremy Clarkson

If you're thinking of coming to America, this is what it's like: you've got your Comfort Inn, you've got your Best Western, and you've got your Red Lobster where you eat. Everybody's very fat, everybody's very stupid and everybody's very rude - it's not a holiday programme, it's the truth. — Jeremy Clarkson

They are by far the worst drivers. They are spiteful, dithering, old and in the way. They should have their licences taken away. — Jeremy Clarkson

I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating tw*t — Jeremy Clarkson

The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won't let me turn the traction control off! — Jeremy Clarkson

In England on a hot day, women are happy to walk around with their bra straps showing. In Paris, they don't shave their armpits. And you just can't mention Germany and style in the same book, let alone the same sentence. It's the same story in America too, where the Farrah Fawcett haido of 1975 still reigns supreme. In Italy, even the policemenists look like they've just come off a catwalk. One I found, standing on a rostrum in the middle of a Roman square, was immaculate, as was his routine. Each wave of the hand, each toot of the whistle and each twist of the body was Pans People perfect. Never mind that the traffic was completely ignoring him, he looked good, and that's what mattered. Looking good in Italy is even more important than looking where you're going. — Jeremy Clarkson

Argentina and Burma. I have been to most of the countries in the world, but not those two. I want to shoot doves in Argentina. Burma, of course, because no one has really been there. — Jeremy Clarkson

I'm having a nice cold pint and waiting for this to blow over. — Jeremy Clarkson

In Italy, you sometimes get the impression they'd be happier to lose the Ppe than lose their right to drive like maniacs. — Jeremy Clarkson

Multi-tasking is the ability to screw everything up simultaneously. — Jeremy Clarkson

Now at this point you are probably thinking: so what? There is no Ebola in the world at the moment. Oh yes there is, but despite a twenty-year, multi-million-dollar hunt nobody has been able to find where it lives. Some say the host is a bat, others say it's a spider or a space alien. All we know is that occasionally, and for no obvious reason, someone comes out of the jungle with bleeding eyes and his stomach in a bag. — Jeremy Clarkson

This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory. — Jeremy Clarkson

Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. — Jeremy Clarkson

Italy's youngsters complain, apparently, about having to live at home until they are 72 but that's because they spend all their money on suits and coffee and Alfa Romeos rather than mortgages. — Jeremy Clarkson

I'd like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God. — Jeremy Clarkson

We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging. I want to drive around in a Terminator, not the heroine in an E. M. Forster novel. — Jeremy Clarkson

You're a car, but most of all, what you are, what you've become, is a mate. And that's what makes a car special. That's what makes a car great. You start to think of it as a person. You start to love it. — Jeremy Clarkson

Do not cruise through red lights. Because if I'm coming the other way, I will run you down, for fun. — Jeremy Clarkson

This is a hard job. Change gear, change gear, change gear, check mirror, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, murder. That's a lot of effort in a day. — Jeremy Clarkson

My epiglottis is full of bees! — Jeremy Clarkson

In the olden days it was easy to make a television work.You plugged an aerial cable into the back, then bashed the top with your fist until, eventually, Hughie Green stopped jumping up and down. — Jeremy Clarkson

This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases." — Jeremy Clarkson

I don't think I am particularly funny. In fact, I know I'm not. — Jeremy Clarkson

I've noticed that 'news' is not what's happened. It's what's happened on camera. If a herd of tigers runs amok in a remote Indian village, it's not news. If a gang of wide-eyed rebels slaughters the inhabitants of a faraway African village, it's not news. But if it's a bit windy in America, it is news. Because in America everything that happens is recorded. I find myself wondering if last week's Israeli raid on a Turkish ship in a flotilla carrying aid to Gaza would have had the coverage it did if the battle hadn't been captured on film. And likewise the racing driver who broke a leg after crashing in the Indy 500. It only became a big deal because we could watch the accident from several angles in slow motion. — Jeremy Clarkson

I like to be loved by my children, and I quite like the Guardian hating me. — Jeremy Clarkson