Christmas Comedy Quotes & Sayings

With their bright color and fantastic balance of acidity and sweetness, tomatoes are a natural refresher and the perfect element for meals on warm and sultry days. — Jose Andres

I can fly around the world in one night. I can wink and go up a chimney in a split second. I can be in 500 shopping malls on the same weekend. I can even fit enough gifts for the entire world into one tiny sleigh pulled by eight tiny reindeer, but I CANNOT FIX THIS CONFOUNDED COMPUTER! — Bobbi A. Chukran

I sneak quietly up the stairs and toward my door. It's not very late, but I don't want to arouse Cyclops Eye next door. I've stopped looking as I walk past, but it's difficult not to notice her window open just a few inches and her sitting right next to it, ready at a moment's notice to give me her big one-eyed look. Maybe I should get her a monocle for Christmas, so she can make more of a statement. — J.C. Patrick

A genuine desire to be ONE enhances our lives with peace and power. — Hugh W. Pinnock

A truly virtuous man would come to the aid of the most distant stranger as quickly as to his own friend.
If men were perfectly virtuous, they wouldn't have friends. — Montesquieu

The first rule of improvisation is AGREE. Always agree and SAY YES. When you're improvising, this means you are required to agree with whatever your partner has created. So if we're improvising and I say, 'Freeze, I have a gun,' and you say, 'That's not a gun. It's your finger. You're pointing your finger at me,' our improvised scene has ground to a halt. But if I say, 'Freeze, I have a gun!' and you say, 'The gun I gave you for Christmas! You bastard!' then we have started a scene because we have AGREED that my finger is in fact a Christmas gun. — Tina Fey

I had never before been a special fan of that great comedian Phyllis Diller, but she utterly won my heart this week by sending me an envelope that, when opened, contained a torn-off square of brown-bag paper of the kind suitable for latrine duty in an ill-run correctional facility. Duly unfurled, it carried a handwritten salutation reading as follows:
Money's scarce
Times are hard
Here's your f******
Xmas card
I could not possibly improve on the sentiment, but I don't think it ought to depend on the current austerities. Isn't Christmas a moral and aesthetic nightmare whether or not the days are prosperous? — Christopher Hitchens

He sobbed no longer playing the part of her savior, but playing the part of a lover begging for another chance, a man who would claw out his heart and hand it to her if it made her understand. He held on to her as if she were his last lifeline - because in a way, she was. — Inger Iversen

When the storm brews and the waves swell, only an experienced captain can control the ship and save it. — Mata Amritanandamayi

Our personalities, our intelligence, and our capabilities are gifts from [God's] own bountiful hand. If we divert their use for our own profit, we become guilty of selfishness. — Billy Graham

I served at the Pentagon and at Fort Leavenworth - my job was video cameraman, and that allowed me to travel to places like Korea, Japan, Alaska, Germany and the Netherlands. — Chad Coleman

The Lord is my portion, saith my soul." Lamentations 3:24 It is not "The Lord is partly my portion," nor "The Lord is in my portion"; but he himself makes up the sum total of my soul's inheritance. Within the circumference of that circle lies all that we possess or desire. The Lord is my portion. Not his grace merely, nor his love, nor his covenant, but Jehovah himself. — Charles Haddon Spurgeon

I'm 30, it's Christmas, and I'm a writer without a job. I sit here
engulfed in a furious fit of frustration. My future unknown. My
nuts so small you could fit them in a gnat's navel and have room
left over for my brain. — Josh Mitchell

How close the sexes sometimes come to one another. It is as much a matter of behaviour and the spere in which they move that separates the masculine part of humanity from the feminine. — Elizabeth Aston

There's no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor's yard. — Dan Florence

I went to school for clothing and textiles and thought this is what I was going to do. Then I started working in costumes and literally said, 'I don't know if I can take the actors.' — Melissa McCarthy

You and I must not complain if our plans break down if we have done our part. That probably means that the plans of One who knows more than we do have succeeded. — Edward Everett Hale

Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I never leave the house without [my Santa hat]. In fact, I pretty much never leave my room without it. I honestly don't know how this habit started and believe me, I'd break myself of it if I could, but I'm a little bit OCD about the Santa hat. Whenever I try to put it away, I get this horrible, overwhelming feeling that somehow Christmas will be destroyed if I do. — Kieran Scott

Suppose I was to tell you that it's just beauty that's calling me, the beauty of the far off and unknown, the mystery and spell which lures me, the need of freedom of great wide spaces, the joy of wandering on and on
in quest of the secret which is hidden over there
beyond the horizon? — Eugene O'Neill

I will write my name in fire red. — Jean Rhys

Oh yeah, well I suddenly realises that she'd only been with my boyfriend at the Co-op Christmas do when I were eighteen. So I grabs her head and I stuck it through a display of them Muller's rices and I told her. That's for shagging Kevin Cooper you stupid fucking cunt. — St John Morris