Christian Humor Quotes & Sayings

Annabelle was silent for a moment and then sighed, concluding with a shake of her head, 'Jesus wouldn't try to kidnap me.'" p.63 — Ruth Apollonia

If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be - a Christian. — Mark Twain

Dammit, Trotter. Don't try to make a stinking Christian out of me. — Katherine Paterson

You have to be doubly foolish to be a Satanist," Stoney muttered.
"Doubly?"
"Not only do you need to believe all the nonsense of Christian theology, you then have to turn around and back the preordained, guaranteed-to-fail, absolutely futile losing side. — Greg Egan

I'd rather buy clothes then buy a bed — Christian Siriano

Success starts with a Vision — Deborah Elum

God seemed to have become a brand, a packaging, and people purchase this trusted brand with such faith and devotion that they no longer care who the vendor is. — Justin Villanueva

White people are drawn to farmer's markets like moths to a flame. In fact, white people have such strong instincts that if
you release a white person into a random Saturday morning they will return to you with a reusable bag full of fruits and vegetables. — Christian Lander

White people love rock climbing almost more than they love camping. This is
because the activity affords them the opportunity to be outside, to use a carabiner for something other than their keys, and to purchase a whole new set of expensive activity-specific clothing and accessories. — Christian Lander

I hope I know my own unworthiness, and that I hate and despise myself and all my fellow-creatures as every practicable Christian should. — Charles Dickens

Other cars on the highway driven by believers will suddenly be out of control and stark pandemonium will occur on ... every highway in the world where Christians are caught away from the drivers wheel. — Jerry Falwell

To be a Christian, you must pluck out the eye of reason. — Martin Luther

Saint Bo, a man christened with the miraculous ability to gentle horses, nervous women, and one year olds. — Becky Wade

It's a fine, warm day," Henry replied. "I thought a spot of fishing?"
"Just the thing!" said Felix. "Will you join us, Lucy?" Lucy felt Kitty and Sophia staring at her. Well-bred ladies, evidently, did not fish.
"Oh, no! I assure you, Mr. Crowley-Cumberbatch, I have given up those hoyden pursuits of my youth." She turned to Toby. "I haven't been fishing in ages. I can't remember the last time."
"Really, Luce?" Toby sounded incredulous. "Henry - is it true?"
Henry sawed away at a slice of ham. "If you count six days as ages, then I suppose it's true. But if you can't remember six days back, Lucy, and you've forgotten Felix's Christian name, I'm concerned for you. Perhaps you've been spending too much time with Aunt Matilda. — Tessa Dare

In my mind, a first date really boils down to selling what you have, what you almost have and what you wish you had. First, what you have: wit, humor, intelligence, beauty, confidence. Second, you want to convey that you have ambition and a desire to grow as a person but not talk yourself up too much - - basically what I almost have. And third, you have to reveal that you're human but not a high-maintenance hot mess. This requires being slightly exposed by showing that you don't have it all together, and there are things that you still want and need, or things you wish you had. Of course, all of this must be accomplished while not being too serious or too silly, and while looking particularly cute. Not to mention being mysterious enough to leave them wanting more. Dang, this dating thing is hard! — Megan Carson

You'll be riding along in an automobile. You'll be the driver perhaps. You're a Christian. There'll be several people in the automobile with you, maybe someone who is not a Christian. When the trumpet sounds you and the other born-again believers in that automobile will be instantly caught away - you will disappear, leaving behind only your clothes and physical things that cannot inherit eternal life. That unsaved person or persons in the automobile will suddenly be startled to find the car suddenly somewhere crashes ... — Jerry Falwell

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa. — Ricky Gervais

Writes very good books; about very bad things. — Christian Cipollini

He would have given anything for a tension-breaker-maybe, if he prayed hard enough, the school would catch on fire or something. — Christian M. Frank

So, you still a Satanist?" Luci asked to change the topic.

"Oh, your mother told you?" Dad sighed and shrugged. "I don't really worship the devil if that's what you're thinking. It's more of a philosophy. Why, you're Christian, or something?"

"I don't think God would approve of my lifestyle, so I was looking the other way. Maybe it's something I could get into, the Satanist thing. — K.A. Merikan

Prepare a gentle but firm response to use the next time someone feels they have a right to comment on your life decisions. You might say something like, "I'm sure you have my best interest at heart, and I thank you for your concern. However, you didn't experience what I did, so you can't understand what I went through. I made the best decisions I could based on what happened in my life. I know you will honor my right to decide what is best for me, just as I allow you to decide what is best for you. — Caroline Abbott

We've been wed more than a month. Since it appears you mean to stay, I might as well give you leave to call me by my christian name. It is preferable, at any rate, to 'clodpole. — Loretta Chase

I do not want chemistry to degenerate into a religion; I do not want the chemist to believe in the existence of atoms as the Christian believes in the existence of Christ in the communion wafer. — Marcellin Berthelot

I know. That sounds like a lie. But Presbyterians know that every so often a lie isn't all that bad, and I figured that this was about the best place it could happen. — Gary D. Schmidt

The naive was only a part of my fairy tales; humor was the real salt in them. — Hans Christian Andersen

The more I know, the more I realize that I don't know much at all ... — Hans Christian Hollenbeck

I'll try to turn the other cheek....But I've only got two and they're both stinging. — Heather Blanton

From: Christian Grey
Subject: &*%$&*&*
Date: August 23 2011 11:23
To: Anastasia Grey
Believe me when I say there are a great many things he'd like to do to your ass right now. Firing you is not one of them.
Christian Grey
CEO & Ass man, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc. — E.L. James

There is no separation of church and state. Modern US Supreme Courts have raped the Constitution and raped the Christian faith and raped the churches by misinterpreting what the Founders had in mind in the First Amendment to the Constitution. — Jerry Falwell

We didn't-?" I whisper, my mouth drying in mortified horror as I can't complete the question. I stare at my hands.
"Anastasia, you were comatose. Necrophilia is not my thing. I like my women sentient and receptive," he says dryly. — E.L. James

Simon laughed heartily. "I'm afraid the rest of us have to find talents to get our women into bed. Of course once they're there, I have other talents that keep them right where they are."
"Handcuffs hardly count," Christian said offhandedly.
"If you mean the ladies cuffing me to the bed so they can explore Hunt Island," he said, rubbing his chest, " ... then point taken. These hands are capable of making any female climax by the mere brush of a pinky across her bare breast."
"I must have gone to the wrong island," I said with a private laugh. — Dannika Dark

Sometimes I had difficulty remembering that "all you can eat" is not a personal challenge. — Marika Christian

It's because I'm pregnant, Christian."
He snorts, and his mouth twists into an ironic smile. "If I knew getting you knocked up was going to make you eat, I might have done it earlier. — E.L. James

Let me be straight with you: I'm not really qualified to write this book. I don't have a Bible or seminary degree. I'm not a pastor or a counselor. I don't know biblical languages and don't know how to do exegesis - whatever that even is. Again, I'm just a messed-up twenty-three-year-old guy. But I know that God has quite the sense of humor. It only takes a quick peek into Christian history to realize I'm almost the exact type of person he is looking for. A wise man two thousand years ago put it this way: "But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong."1 Paul tells us that God loves using people who are useless by worldly standards - because then he gets all the credit. A crooked stick can still draw a straight line, and a messed-up dude like me can still write about an awesome God. I've tasted grace and can't help but tell others about it. — Jefferson Bethke

Children are lovable and adorable. — Lailah Gifty Akita

From Thanksgiving until New Year's Sarah was a Christian by proxy. — Dahlia Schweitzer

When we were almost to the other campus, I felt the weird nausea hit me. I called a warning to Christian, just as a Strigoi grabbed him. But Christian was fast. Flames wreathed the Strigoi's head. He screamed and released Christian, trying frantically to put the flames out. The Strigoi never saw me coming with the stake. The whole thing took under a minute. Christian and I exchanged looks.
Yeah. We were badasses. — Richelle Mead

I'm convinced that her obsession with Jesus was far more romantic than spiritual. I think she was actually attracted to him. I sincerely thought that one day while out on a grocery run, she would find some skinny, bearded, out-of-work Foote guy on the side of the road and, convinced that he was our anorexic Son of God, rescue him and head for some unincorporated Christian town in the middle of Illinois with a bingo hall and lots of roadside crucifixes, never to return. — Adam Rapp

Perhaps when I was a child. Then my brain fully developed and I started thinking about the logic. The Christian life is no life for this man. I have a potent predilection for the whiskey, weed and women. I like to defile all three of them, sometimes simultaneously. But yeah, it isn't the fairytale within the bible that makes me such an infidel, I just couldn't suffer waking up early on Sundays to praise a magical being that lacks significant proof. — J.C. Wickhart

And before any Christian readers get all offended - relax. I'm not saying that I'm the new Jesus. I'm just saying there's a very good chance that I might be. — Danny Wallace

We did not determine our fate into the world. What we know is we are here in the world. — Lailah Gifty Akita

You're not celibate, then?" I breathe.
Amusement lights up his eyes.
"No, Anastasia, I'm not celibate. — E.L. James

I'm a writer. I'm a Christian. I like sex. But I haven't had it. I believe in waiting until marriage. But that doesn't mean I want my characters to. — Michelle N. Onuorah

Then there are some minor points that strike me as suggestive - for instance, the position of Mrs. Hubbard's sponge bag, the name of Mrs. Armstrong's mother, the detective methods of Mr. Hardman, the suggestion of Mr. MacQueen that Ratchett himself destroyed the charred note we found, Princess Dragomiroff's Christian name, and a grease spot on a Hungarian passport. — Agatha Christie

Coveralls," I reply, and I know I'm no longer screening what's coming out of my mouth.
He raises a eyebrow, amused yet again.
"You wouldn't want to ruin your clothing." I gesture vaguely in the direction of his jeans.
"I could always take them off." He smirks. — E.L. James

And with a little sense of humor we can say that there are Christian bats who prefer the shadows to the light of the presence of the Lord. — Pope Francis

As an anonymous wit is supposed to have put it: Hydrogen is a light, odorless gas which, given enough time, changes into people. — David Christian

New Rule: There's only one thing to say about the Christian Film and Television Commission giving me the Bigoted Bile Award and naming Religulous the number-one Most Unbearable Movie of 2008: Thank you! You hate me, you really hate me! — Bill Maher

Oenone had found the chapel by accident, and was not certain what kept drawing her back to it. She was not a Christian. Few people were anymore, except in Africa, and on certain islands of the outermost west. All she knew of Christians was that they worhsipped a god nailed to a cross, and what on earth was the use of a god who went around letting himself get nailed to things? — Philip Reeve

I want you to tell me something," I whisper. "What?" "Don't get mad." "What is it, Ana?" "You do care." His eyes widen, and all trace of his good humor vanishes. "I want you to admit that you care. Because the Christian I know and love would care." He stills, his eyes not leaving mine, and I'm witness to his internal struggle as if he's about to make the judgment of Solomon. He opens his mouth to say something, then closes it again as some fleeting emotion crosses his face ... pain, maybe. — E.L. James

When it comes to the subject it's best to understand that
white people do not recognize public transit as a viable option until a subway line is built that runs directly from their house to their work. — Christian Lander

P.S. I also note that you included the Stalker's Anthem "Every Breath You Take" I do enjoy our sense of humor, but does Dr. Flynn know? — E.L. James

Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion ... perhaps around their necks? And maybe
dare I dream it?
maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively. — Jon Stewart

Southern hospitality and Amish cooking - Ya'll Come Back, Danki. — Karen Harper

The good Christian should beware of mathematicians. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell. — Augustine Of Hippo

I maintain that some Jew wrote it who probably heard about Christian people but never encountered any. — Martin Luther

And you call yourself a Christian,' were Hilly's words to me and I thought, God. When did I ever do that? — Kathryn Stockett

When white people envision their perfect home, it always has hardwood floors. In fact, most white people would prefer a dirt floor over wall-to-wall carpeting, because to them it would have the same level of cleanliness and probably fewer germs.
White people are petrified of germs, and when they look at a carpet all they can see is everything that has ever been spilled, tracked in, or shaken loose into the carpet fibers. But more disgusting to white people is that wall-to-wall carpeting reminds them of suburban homes, motel rooms, and the horrible apartments that they have visited or lived in over the years. It has no soul. Only germs.
Hardwood floors, on the other hand, are easily cleaned and give a sense of character to a place, since they are often the original flooring in older buildings. It is a well-known white fantasy to purchase a home or apartment that has disgusting carpet and then to pull it up to reveal a beautiful hardwood floor underneath. — Christian Lander

Take a guy who can walk on water, who can raise people from the dead, who can look at you and tell you what you had for breakfast ... if a guy like that can't find twelve trustworthy mates, who can? Stop at eleven and call it done, that's the moral of that story. — Liam Perrin

I t was a well-known fact among Christian homeschoolers that public
schools were bastions of gangs, drugs, teen pregnancy, rap music, pop culture, secular humanism, witchcraft, and body piercings. — Josh Sundquist

I know you're rolling your eyes at me, he murmurs, and I hear the trace of humor in his voice. — E.L. James

Right now, all white people are either wearing or coveting a pair of Ray-Ban Wayfarer sunglasses. These sunglasses are so popular now that you cannot swing a canvas bag at a farmer's market without hitting a pair. In fact, at outdoor gatherings you should count the number of Wayfarers so you can determine exactly how white the event is. If you see no Wayfarers you are either at a country music concert or you are indoors. — Christian Lander

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up. — Woody Allen

I'm a Buddhist. You might have a Christian obligation to catch pneumonia while you sit for two and a half hours listening to some twerp in a dress drone on about the virtue of wedded life but, dear as you are to me, I don't. — Natasha Pulley

From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: Moaning
Date: May 31 2011 19:39 EST
To: Christian Grey
Gotta go.
Laters, baby.
...
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Plagiarism
Date: May 31 2011 16:41
To: Anastasia Steele
You stole my line.
And left me hanging.
Enjoy your dinner.
Christian Grey
CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. — E.L. James

You cannot function in an unction you don't take action on. — Ifeanyi Enoch Onuoha

I glance down his body. He's still wearing his shorts and his shirt, and I still have my T-shirt on. Jeez
talk about wham, bam, thank you ma'am. — E.L. James

I'm too big of a fan of sin and debauchery to be a Christian. — J.C. Wickhart

From behind Lissa, I heard Christian say, "Worst. Timing. Ever." Adrian studied Lissa and then looked at Christain sprawling on the bed on the far side of the suite.
"Huh," Adrian said, letting himself in. "So that's how you're going to fix the family problem. Little Dragomirs. Good idea." Christian sat up and strolled toward them.
"Yeah, that's exactly it. You're interrupting official Council business. — Richelle Mead

I didn't set out to do a gay comic, but given the current political and religious climate in this country, I feel it is important as a gay person, and a Christian, to create stories with humor and honesty. — Paige Braddock

There is a moment of sheer panic when I realize that Paul's apartment overlooks the park ... and is obviously more expensive than mine. — Patrick Bateman

By his provocations to good-natured merriment, a humorist of the first water contributes as much to the sum of happiness as the gravest philosopher. — Christian Nestell Bovee

But it is infamous that they have not told you!' declared Eustacie. 'Je n'en reviendrai jamais!'
'If it's all the same to you, miss, I'd just as soon you'd talk in a Christian language,' said Mr. Stubbs. — Georgette Heyer

If you want some advice - which I'm sure you don't - you guys should lay off on the magic. Christian still thinks you're moving in on Lissa."
"What?" he asked in mock astonishment. "Doesn't he know my heart belongs to you?"
"It does not. And no, he's still worried about it, despite what I've told him."
"You know, I bet if we started making out right now, it would make him feel better."
"If you touch me," I said pleasantly, "I'll provide you with the opportunity to see if you can heal yourself. Then we'd see how badass you really are. — Richelle Mead

The first stage of camping always involves a trip to an outdoor equipment store like REI. These stores are well known for their abundance of white customers and their extensive inventory of things for white people to buy and only use once. — Christian Lander

He was my age and in my imagination he was a fireman, not the kind that actually fights fires but the kind who travels the country shirtless posing for calendars. — Marika Christian

And Mega has a crush on Chester."
"I do not!"
"Do too, Mega."
"He's like, old!"
"How old, Christian says."
"Like at least thirty or something."
Lor laughs. " Fucking ancient, ain't it, kid?"
"Dude," I agree. I like Lor. — Karen Marie Moning

The fewer moving parts, the better." "Exactly. No truer words were ever spoken in the context of engineering. — Christian Cantrell

After that I went home and Sally put what was left of me to bed; next day, being a Christian family, we saluted the happy morn with the Hell and Hades of a row because I wouldn't get up and go to early service, my sister being quite determined that even if I didn't get up. I shouldn't sleep. — Dion Fortune

Subject: Sundown
Date: June 14 2011 09:35
To: Christian Grey
Dear Completely & Utterly Smitten
I love waking up with you, too. But I love being in bed with you and in elevators and on pianos and billiard tables and boats and desks and showers and bathtubs and strange wooden crosses with shackles and four poster beds with red satin sheets and boathouses and childhood bedrooms.
Yours
Sex Mad and Insatiable xx — E.L. James

And are you married, sir?" Mrs Winstanley asked Tom. "Oh no, madam!" said Tom.
"Yes," David reminded him. "You are, you know."
Tom made a motion with his hand to suggest that it was a situation susceptible to different interpretations.
The truth was that he had a Christian wife. At fifteen she had had a wicked little face, almond-shaped eyes and a most capricious nature. Tom had constantly compared her to a kitten. In her twenties she had been a swan; in her thirties a vixen; and then in rapid succession a bitch, a viper, a cockatrice and, finally, a pig. What animals he might have compared her to now no one knew. She was well past ninety now and for forty years or more she had been confined to a set of apartments in a distant part of the Castel des Tours saunz Nowmbre under strict instructions not to shew herself, while her husband waited impatiently for someone to come and tell him she was dead. — Susanna Clarke

Your stepfather? I'd like to meet him."
Oh no ... why?
"I'm not sure that's a good idea."
Christian unlocks the door, his mouth in a grim line.
"Are you ashamed of me?"
"No!" It's my turn to sound exasperated. "Introduce you to my dad as what? 'This is the man who deflowered me and wants to start a BDSM relationship'. You're not wearing running shoes. — E.L. James

Where are you going?"
"To get my Bible."
"Right now? You can't get your Bible out right now! I'm, I'm, we're just about to ... "
She'd never be able to go through with this if he got out his Bible. She wiped all humor from her face.
"I believe you. Proverbs 5:18. Rejoice, relish, and romp with your husband."
He chuckled. "I'm serious, Connie, and I won't have you feeling ashamed or unclean over anything we do in that bed, tonight or any other night."
"I won't. I feel unashamed and very clean. I promise. But please don't get out that Bible."
"What? Think you that God can't see us right now?"
Groaning, she slid off his lap and covered her face with her hands. He sunk to his knees in front of her, drawing her hands down.
"I love you. You love me. We are man and wife. God is watching, Connie, and He is very, very pleased. — Deeanne Gist

You've brushed your teeth," He says, staring at me.
"I used your toothbrush."
His lips quirk up in a half smile. "Oh Anastasia Steele, what am I going to do with you? — E.L. James

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. — Billy Sunday

That's ridiculous. Especially the part about Christian being manly. — Richelle Mead

You both talk too much," the kid says. "Shut up. Don't make me tell you again."
We shut up, which I find hysterically funny. — Karen Marie Moning

I wanted a boyfriend who was a Christian but who wasn't uptight about it, who was good-looking and intelligent and had an interesting job and a sense of humor, who said "fuck" when the situation warranted it, who had attempted to but been unable to finish St. Augustine's City of God, who could argue politics with my mother and talk business with my father, who liked Indian food and had nice friends and knew how to dress and would like someday to live abroad. — Sarah Dunn

If you like pray like a praying mantis or fast like a faxing machine, if you have no faith, you are just wasting your time and energy. — Ifeanyi Enoch Onuoha

Yes, his ear. I was attracted to his ear. While I was in church. I'm pretty sure that solidifies my position as the weirdest person on the planet. — Amanda Hamm

Christian's family lived under the shadow cast by his parents. They had purposely become Striogi, trading thier magic and mortality to become immortal and subsist on killing others. His parents were dead now, but that didn't stop people from not trusting him. They seemed to think he'd go Strigoi at any moment and take everyone else with him. His abrasiveness and dark sence of humor didn't really help things, either. — Richelle Mead

Delk shifted in his chair, the arrow point never wavering. "What do you want?"
"Oh, the usual.World peace, a pair of Christian Louboton heels, a perfect wedding. — MaryJanice Davidson

Christian is staring at us. He's an only child and could never understand the delicate joys of sibling abuse. — Cynthia Hand

Was this a bad thing for a Christian to be doing? Probably. On the other hand, it had never occurred to me to ask the Methodist minister if he had a ritual in place to sever a blood bond between a woman and a vampire. — Charlaine Harris

I have to return some videotapes — Bret Easton Ellis

If you are able to introduce a white person to a new cheese, it's like introducing them to a future spouse. — Christian Lander

She just asked me to pick her up some tampons and a Yoo-Hoo." ~Alex Sinclair — Jenny B. Jones

I am a Christian, you know, Julia.'
So am I. But I'm not above staying out of jail any way I can. — Ann B. Ross

Jack has been cracking the whip. Er ... I mean ... " I flush and fall silent.
Christian says nothing for a moment.
"Cracking the whip, eh? Well, there was a time when I would have called him a lucky man." His voice is full of dry humor. "Don't let him get on top of you, baby."
"Christian! — E.L. James

If you look into the footnotes of the business model for Apple Computer you'll see that they actually give the computers away for free; they just charge for the inflated sense of self-worth. — Christian Lander