Carriger Quotes & Sayings

Later on Lady Maccon was to describe that particular day as the worst of her life. She had neither the soul nor the romanticism to consider childbirth magical or emotionally transporting. So far as she could gather it mostly involved pain indignity and mess. There was nothing engaging or appealing about the process. And as she told her husband firmly she intended never to go through it again. — Gail Carriger

Whoa there, miss, that's enough of that!"
"Oh dear me, are you hurt? Have I hurt you more?"
"I think most of me's fine, miss. Just, please, leave off the touching."
"I do apologize. I was only checking."
"Whoa, now. Not that I didn't like it, miss. You can check me much as you like, only later. — Gail Carriger

It was a constant source of amazement to Alexia that the only thing she had ever done in her entire life that pleased her mama was marry a werewolf. — Gail Carriger

We realy must work on our communitcation. Perhaps if you were not so constantly intrested in other forms of intimacy, I might actually have access to the information I need to survive with my temper intact!" Alexia poked at him with a sharp finger. "More talk, less bed sport. — Gail Carriger

Falling out of the sky was one thing, but doing so for unknown reasons was quite unacceptable. Having — Gail Carriger

You do realise modern social mores exist for a reason?"
"I was hungry, allowances should be made. — Gail Carriger

There was, currently, far more hairy masculinity in her life than any Englishwoman should really have to put up with on a monthly basis. That said, half the pack was away fighting in northern India; someday there would be even more full-moon maleness. She thought of her husband; him she had to deal with on a daily basis. — Gail Carriger

Werewolves had to obey the laws of physics just like everyone else. The — Gail Carriger

Biffy didn't like enigmas - they were out of fashion. — Gail Carriger

Show her I am a man of deeds, not lobsters, — Gail Carriger

Is there no peace for the naked?" Sister Mattie wore a bed cap of sensible white lace.
"I think you mean peace for the wicked," corrected Lady Linette ...
"Why would that apply?" asked Sister Mattie, before closing her door on both the problem and the noise. — Gail Carriger

She was no closer to determining who might want her dead. There were just too many possibilities. — Gail Carriger

Oh, Herbert," she said pleadingly to her silent husband, "you must make him marry her! Call for the parson immediately! Look at them ... they are ... ," she sputtered, "canoodling! — Gail Carriger

They never could entirely control preternaturals. It's your pragmatism. Your kind cannot be persuaded by faith; pure logic must be applied. — Gail Carriger

For you, it's gossip. For me, it's action. — Gail Carriger

The redhead whispered, "No, what's a man like down there?" "Oh." Sidheag wrinkled her nose. "Unimpressive. They have" - she gestured toward her own nether regions with one hand - "a sort of dangly sausage - lacks tailoring." Sophronia blinked in surprise. That sounded worse than Sidheag's description of a werewolf shift. — Gail Carriger

She reached inside the wide ruffle and pulled out a little vial.
"Poison?" asked Lady Maccon, tilting her head to one side.
"Certainly not. Something far more important: perfume. We cannot very well have you fighting crime unscented, now, can we?"
"Oh." Alexia nodded gravely. After all, Madame Lefoux was French. "Certainly not. — Gail Carriger

Perched in one corner, like some sort of ship's figurehead, was an oddly sinister wicker chicken. It frowned down upon her with an air of chubby disdain. — Gail Carriger

That woman," Lord Maccon spat,"is is definitely alpha and most certainly female. — Gail Carriger

Knowing Miss Hisselpenny's constitution, if the mummy were gruesome enough, dinner might just be revisited. — Gail Carriger

All the London ton acknowledged Scotland as a barbaric place. The packs there cared very little for the social niceties of daytime folk. Highland werewolves had a reputation for doing atrocious and highly unwarranted things, like wearing smoking jackets to the dinner table. Lyall shivered at the delicious horror of the very idea. — Gail Carriger

It was universally held among the drones that Lord Maccon had a particularly fine physique, and there had been quite the scuffle over who would be allowed to dress him in the evenings. After Floote assumed that role, it became a trickster's challenge to ascertain who among the boys could arrange such little incidences as would cause the London Alpha to bluster out into the hallway in the altogether of an afternoon. — Gail Carriger

Very well, Miss Temminnick. Tell me a little about yourself. Are you well-educated?" Sophronia considered this question seriously. "I don't believe so." "Excellent. Ignorance is most undervalued in a student. And have you killed anyone recently?" Sophronia blinked. "Pardon?" "Oh, you know, a knife to the neck, or perhaps a cleverly noosed cravat?" Sophronia said only, "Not my preferred diversion." "Oh, dear, how disappointing. Well, don't you fret. We shall soon find you some useful hobby. — Gail Carriger

Ivy Hisselpenny was the unfortunate victim of circumstances that dictated she be only-just-pretty, only-just-wealthy, and possessed of a terrible propensity for wearing extremely silly hats. — Gail Carriger

Floote shot his other gun.
This time the bullet hit the man's chest. The vampire fell backward, crashed into a loaded display cabinet, and landed on the floor, making exactly the same sound a carpet makes when whacked to get the dust out. — Gail Carriger

With werewolves gone and fire stoked, Sidheav stopped shaking. The tea, once it arrived, had its customary effect
engendering comfort and loosening the tongue. *That's tea for you*, thought Sophronia, *the great social lubricant.* Soon they had the whole story out of her. No wonder tea was considered a vital weapon of espionage. — Gail Carriger

Miss Tarabotti was not one of life's milk-water misses
in fact, quite the opposite. Many a gentleman had likened his first meeting with her to downing a very strong cognac when one was expecting to imbibe fruit juice
that is to say, startling and apt to leave one with a distinct burning sensation. — Gail Carriger

She filed the image away as an excellent and insulting question to ask the earl at an utterly inappropriate future moment. — Gail Carriger

The important question is, what will your wear for a wedding dress, Alexia? You look horrible in white. — Gail Carriger

Miss Tarabotti was not certain if he was objecting to the kick or the scream, so she issued both again - with interest. He seemed to be having a difficult time negotiating Alexia's multiple layers of skirts and ruffles, which formed a particularly efficacious barrier in the tight confines of the hackney. — Gail Carriger

Yes, but look what a mess you have made of things prior to my arrival." Lady Maccon was not to be dissuaded from her chosen course of action. "Someone has to tell Conall that Kingair is to blame." "If none of them are changing, he'll find out as soon as he arrives. His lordship would not like you following him." "His lordship can eat my fat - " Lady Maccon paused, thought the better of her crass words, and said, " - does not have to like it. Nor do you. The fact remains that this morning Floote will secure for me passage on the afternoon's dirigible to Glasgow. His lordship can take it up with me when I arrive. — Gail Carriger

Professor Braithwope was undergoing a very dangerous test indeed. For queen and country, the potentate had said. For science, Sophronia thought. — Gail Carriger

What if I arrange to be around Lord Akeldama during the full moon?"
The earl looked daggers.
"I am certain he would be extremely helpful in a fight. He could ruthlessly flatter all your attackers into abject submission. — Gail Carriger

Do not trouble me with such weak excuses — Gail Carriger

I've brought you Byron--always makes things better. — Gail Carriger

To be stupid was one thing; to be stupid and evil yielded up untidy consequences. — Gail Carriger

Coming to the ball, Mr. Plumleigh-Teignmott?"
"Ball? If you insist." Pillover slid off his trunk, and Roger jumped down to help him load it into the cart.
"Ball?" said one of the Pistons with interest. "We like balls."
Dimity gave them her best, most haughty look. "Yes, but are you certain they like you? — Gail Carriger

Occasionally, if I am very confident in the establishment, I'll risk an egg salad on Dutch crunch, but I must be very confident indeed. — Gail Carriger

Quietly Sophronia added, "And the soot on my dress, sir?"
"I didn't see anything." Professor Braithwope smiled down at her, showing a small hint of fang.
Sophronia grinned back. "I'm glad we understand each other, sir."
The vampire looked out into the night. "This is the right finishing school for you, isn't it, whot?"
"Yes sir, I think it might very well be."
"A piece of advice, Miss Temminnick?"
"Sir?"
"It is a great skill to have friends in low places. They, too, have things to teach you."
"Now, sir, I thought you didn't see any soot. — Gail Carriger

Professor Lyall said, "His lordship did say something about dealing with an embarrassing family emergency." "Am I not family?" wondered Lady Maccon. To which Lyall muttered under his breath, "And often embarrassing. — Gail Carriger

Stupid little boys should learn to use guns and not wave them around. — Gail Carriger

Could that technique, she wondered, be legitimately referred to as a "parassault"? — Gail Carriger

Sophronia was minding her own business and running late to luncheon, as was her custom. She'd let to learn the advantage of punctuality. As she told Sister Mattie the third time she was late to household potions and poisons, nothing interesting happened until after an event commenced. — Gail Carriger

The redhead looked back and forth between them with dread in her eyes. Oh, dear, scheming. I was afraid this would happen if we got chummy again. — Gail Carriger

Madame Lefoux acted as midwife. In her scientific way, she was unexpectedly adept at the job. When the infant finally appeared, she held it up for Alexia to see, rather proudly, as though she'd done all the hard work herself. 'Goodness,' said an exhausted Lady Maccon, 'are babies customarily that repulsive looking? — Gail Carriger

Oh, do shove off, Lady Bling. I was thinking some rather important thoughts before you interrupted me. — Gail Carriger

It was like trying to have a conversation with a distracted and very soggy scone. Every time he pushed in one direction the earl either oozed or crumbled. — Gail Carriger

After every unladylike action, there must be an equal and opposite reaction. Consider the necessary, analyze the consequences, clean up the mess. — Gail Carriger

The monkeys, she explained, were considered reincarnated politicians, which made Rue laugh and the stick entirely understandable. — Gail Carriger

Hello, princess," said Lord Maccon to the vampire.
"Got yourself into quite a pickle this time, didn't you?"
Lord Akeldama looked him up and down. "My sweet young naked boy, you are hardly one to talk. Not that I mind, of course. — Gail Carriger

Sheep?"
"Sheep."
"Sheep!"
...
"Yes, as in baaaa. — Gail Carriger

Werewolves have been susceptible to the gentler sex for as long as I can remember, and that is a very long time, indeed. — Gail Carriger

Well, I am terribly concerned for your health. One simply should not weigh so much at your age. Lady Maccon poked at a sagging carrot and wondered if anyone would miss her dear sister were she to be oh-so-gently tipped over the rail of the upper deck. — Gail Carriger

We could come up with a reasonable explanation for your wearing it. Would that help?" wheedled Sophronia.
"Justification for my trotting around wearing a lady's undergarments? I hardly see how."
Soap's eyes were sparkling with amusement, and Vieve was dimpling openly at the very idea of Pillover in a skirt. Pillover stood holding the petticoat between thumb and forefinger as if it were contaminated with some dreaded chemical.
"Go on, pull it on over you clothes and go out there," Sophronia urged.
"You could say you were running some experiment dangerous to your nether regions," suggested Vieve.
"You could say you were testing the response time of the maid mechanicals," suggested Sophronia.
"You could say you like ladies' undergarments," suggested Soap.
"I'm doomed." Pillover rolled his eyes and flapped the petticoat. — Gail Carriger

Laughter is healing and helpful and fun, and I see my role as an entertainer, and I want readers to leave my books smiling. — Gail Carriger

Why, if you were not interested in me as anything more than a"-she stumbled, trying to find the right terminology-"momentary plaything, you might at least have just told me outright afterward." She crossed her arms and sneered at him. "Why didn't you? You think I was not strong enough to take it without causing a scene? I assure you, no one is better used to rejection than I, my lord. I think it very churlish of you not to inform me to my face that your breach in manners was an unfortunate impulse of the moment. I deserve some respect. We have known each other long enough for that at the very least. — Gail Carriger

This is madness. Oh, well. — Gail Carriger

This was the kind of woman who took her tea black, smoked cigars after midnight, played a mean game of cribbage, and kept a bevy of repulsive little dogs. — Gail Carriger

Like a proper gentleman, the good captain never made mention of the undergarment murder. — Gail Carriger

Countess Nadasdy served the tea. Miss Tarabotti took hers with milk, Miss Dair took hers with lemon, and the vampires took theirs with a dollop of blood — Gail Carriger

I think we seldom regret the risks we take as much as the times we did not try at all. — Gail Carriger

If we provide the right incentive, all things are possible, even perfection. — Gail Carriger

The boy gestured with his chin at Dimity. "She was shot." He sounded remarkably unconcerned for a brother with any degree of affection for his sibling."Good lord!" Sophronia climbed in to see to her new friend's health. The bullet had grazed Dimity's shoulder. It had ripped her dress and left a partly burned gash behind, but didn't look all that bad. Sophronia checked to make certain Dimity had no other injuries. Then she sat back on her heels."Is that all? I've had worse scrapes from drinking tea. Why has she come over all crumpled?"Pillover rolled his eyes. "Faints at the sight of blood, our Dimity. Always has. Weak nerves,father says. It doesn't even have to be her blood. — Gail Carriger

I must send a beard to rescue a mustache! — Gail Carriger

Highland werewolves had a reputation for doing atrocious and highly unwarranted *things*, like wearing smoking jackets to the dinner table. — Gail Carriger

Uh, my lord, I am not actually food. You do realize this, yes? — Gail Carriger

She poked him in the center of his chest with two fingers to punctuate her words.
"You are an unfeeling" - poke - "traitorous" - poke - "mistrusting" - poke - "rude" - poke - "booby!"
Every poke turned him mortal, but Lord Maccon didn't seem to mind it in the least. Instead he grabbed the hand that poked him and brought it to his lips. "You put it very well, my love. — Gail Carriger

So this pesto I enjoy so much is really an infamous Italian antisupernatural weapon? — Gail Carriger

There are words to describe her, my dear, but one does not repeat them in polite company. — Gail Carriger

Things were always funnier when one was lying down. — Gail Carriger

Biffy said, off the cuff, "Or we could find a replacement queen."
"Volunteering for the position?"
"Why, Professor, is that wittiness I detect?"
"Only for you."
"Charmer." Biffy tapped him on the arm playfully. — Gail Carriger

Unless Sophronia missed her guess, the poor lad was already developing romantic feelings toward her friend. Many of the sooties probably were. Dimity was so pretty and chattery, she quite overpowered the average male. Many gentlemen were unable to cope with abundant chatter, which is why they so often married it. — Gail Carriger

The dirigible came to rest as lightly as a butterfly on an egg, if the butterfly were to stumble a bit and list heavily to one side and the egg to take on the peculiar characteristics of Scotland in winter: more soggy and more gray than one would think possible. — Gail Carriger

Miss Alexia Tarabotti was not enjoying her evening. Private balls were never more than middling amusements for spinsters, and Miss Tarabotti was not the kind of spinster who could garner even that much pleasure from the event. To put the pudding in the puff: she had retreated to the library, her favorite sanctuary in any house, only to happen upon an unexpected vampire. She — Gail Carriger

What on earth could we girls possibly learn from a werewolf?" Sophronia wondered.
"How to keep a hat on no matter what the circumstances?" hazarded Dimity. — Gail Carriger

You think loyalty can be bought?" "Don't you? — Gail Carriger

I love him so very much. As Romeo did Jugurtha, as Pyramid did Thirsty, as-"
"Oh, please, no need to elaborate further," interjected Alexia, wincing.
"But what would my family SAY to such a union?"
"They would say that yours hats had leaked into your head," muttered Alexia, unheard under her breath. — Gail Carriger

Vampires hated to lose blood - it was troublesome to replace and always left a stain. — Gail Carriger

Your daughter would like to know if you are still going insane, dear." Paw considered this. "I've been married to your mother for over two decades. You might allow me certain dispensation for eccentricity. — Gail Carriger

I like certain subgenres within science fiction and fantasy, and one of those is urban fantasy, and another is steampunk. — Gail Carriger

Nice prong," said Sophronia after a moment.
Felix grinned and waggled his eyebrows lasciviously. "Thank you for saying so."
Sophronia was instantly suspicious. "You mean that isn't a ballistic exploding steam missile fire prong?"
"No such thing, my dear Ria, but it certainly sounds wicked, doesn't it?"
"Then what is it?"
He handed the evil-looking object over. "Ah, a portable boot-blackening apparatus with pressure-controlled particulate emissions, and attached accoutrement to achieve the highest possible shine. For the stylish gentleman on the go. — Gail Carriger

The duke contents himself mainly with attempting to rule the world and other suchlike nonsense. When one is guiding the patterns of the social universe, a single spinster preternatural is unlikely to cause one undue distress. — Gail Carriger

I have died and gone to the land of bad novels. — Gail Carriger

My dearest girl,' said the vampire finally, examining Lord Maccon with an exhausted but appreciative eye, 'such a banquet. Never been one to favor werewolves myself, but he is very well equipped, now, is he not?'
Miss Tarabotti gave him an arch look. 'My goodies,' she warned.
Humans,' chuckled the vampire, 'so possessive. — Gail Carriger

He was clutching at his indelicate bits and writhing about. — Gail Carriger

I Preserve the nonviable embryo in formaldehyde for future study. Lord Maccon has been drinking my samples. When confronted, he admitted to be enjoying both the refreshing beverage and the 'crunchy pickled snack' as well. I was not pleased (Professor Lyall to Madame Lefoux) — Gail Carriger

Who the devil are you?" Alexia asked, the man's cavalier interference irritating her into using actual profanity. "Major Channing Channing of the Chesterfield Channings." Alexia gawked. No wonder he was so very full of himself. One would have to be, laboring all one's life under a name like that. "Well, — Gail Carriger

Rue gave a little mental sigh. No one would ever describe her as deadly attractive. She brightened a bit. Perhaps she could aspire to just deadly? — Gail Carriger

He figured someday he might win an argument with this extraordinary woman, but clearly today was not that day. Did — Gail Carriger

Dirigibles were all well and good if one wanted to waft about the countryside, taking in views. Gavin wanted his tea. And not to have to kill Lady Villentia. But tea first. The — Gail Carriger

Please, Lord Maccon, use one of the cups. My delicate sensibilities."
The earl actually snorted.
"My dear Miss Tarabotti, if you possessed any such things, you certainly have never shown them to me. — Gail Carriger

Such poopitations of the heart as you would not believe. — Gail Carriger

Oh, dear me, no. Then I should be known as that vampire with all the cats. — Gail Carriger

With his wife's imperious face peering down at him, Lord Maccon took a moment to wonder why he had thought to crave such a woman in his life. Alexia bent over and nibbled at his chest. Ah, yes, initiative and ingenuity. — Gail Carriger

What's that?" she asked the girl, wrinkling her nose.
"Oh, that? That's just Pillover."
"And what's a pillover, when it's at home?"
"My little brother."
"Ah, I commiserate. I have several of my own. Dashed inconvenient, brothers. — Gail Carriger

If left together for too long, the two of them might actually take over the civilized world, through sheer application of snide remarks. — Gail Carriger

Great, Alexia thought, I have gone from soul sucker to electrical ground. The epithets just get sweeter and sweeter. — Gail Carriger

Monsters came in all shapes and sizes, and very few of them were actually supernatural. She — Gail Carriger

The vampire's eyes were open, and he was staring at her intently. It was as though he were trying to speak to her with simply the power of a glare.
Alexia did not speak glare-ish. — Gail Carriger

Perhaps to the north? I hear Scotland is lovely this time of year." "Are you barmy? Scotland is wholly abysmal this time of year. — Gail Carriger