C W Fields Quotes & Sayings

If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon. — W.C. Fields

I'm searching for loopholes. — W.C. Fields

I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand ... and besides, I know what I dealt him! — W.C. Fields

I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years. — W.C. Fields

There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it. — W.C. Fields

Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it except you, Carlotta! — W.C. Fields

Try till you succeed ... if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried! — W.C. Fields

I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m. — W.C. Fields

When asked to borrow money: I'll see what my lawyer says ... And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer. — W.C. Fields

Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it. — W.C. Fields

I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home. — W.C. Fields

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming. — W.C. Fields

Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died. — W.C. Fields

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. — W.C. Fields

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. — W.C. Fields

What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an ax. — W.C. Fields

I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees. — W.C. Fields

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. — W.C. Fields

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. — W.C. Fields

Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards. — W.C. Fields

In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town. — W.C. Fields

I never eat before breakfast. — W.C. Fields

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her. — W.C. Fields

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got. — W.C. Fields

My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw. — W.C. Fields

To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe. — W.C. Fields

The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents. — W.C. Fields

The best thing to break is a contract. — W.C. Fields

I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother. — W.C. Fields

I must have a drink of breakfast. — W.C. Fields

I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically. — W.C. Fields

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose
to make people laugh. — W.C. Fields

I like children - fried. — W.C. Fields

Here lies W.C.Fields. I'd rather be living in Philadelphia. — W.C. Fields

I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner. — W.C. Fields

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously. — W.C. Fields

I like children. If they're properly cooked. — W.C. Fields

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. — W.C. Fields

The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother. — W.C. Fields

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other. — W.C. Fields

He had a W.C. Fields twang and a nose like a prize strawberry. — Kurt Vonnegut

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. — W.C. Fields

It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world. — W.C. Fields

I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives ... But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax. — W.C. Fields

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine — W.C. Fields

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either. — W.C. Fields

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death. — W.C. Fields

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money — W.C. Fields

I know of only six genuine comic geniuses in movie history; Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Groucho Marx & Harpo Marx, Peter Sellers, and W.C. Fields. — Woody Allen

Never give a sucker an even break. — W.C. Fields

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it. — W.C. Fields

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually. — W.C. Fields

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. — W.C. Fields

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else. — W.C. Fields

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. — W.C. Fields

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve. — W.C. Fields

Drowned in a vat of whiskey ... Oh Death, where is thy sting? — W.C. Fields

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent. — W.C. Fields

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. — W.C. Fields

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind. — W.C. Fields

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night — W.C. Fields

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night. — W.C. Fields

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. — W.C. Fields

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. — W.C. Fields

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours. — W.C. Fields

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. — W.C. Fields

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. — W.C. Fields

I was married once
in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad. — W.C. Fields

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. — W.C. Fields

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42. — W.C. Fields

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again. — W.C. Fields

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. — W.C. Fields

Never trust a man who doesn't drink. — W.C. Fields

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies. — W.C. Fields

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. — W.C. Fields

Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape. — Milton Berle

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. — W.C. Fields

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places. — W.C. Fields

Anybody who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad. — Leo Rosten

Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise. — W.C. Fields

If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it. — W.C. Fields

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do. — W.C. Fields

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C. — W.C. Fields

I never drink water ... fish f**k in it. — W.C. Fields

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water. — W.C. Fields

The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature ... no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike. — W.C. Fields

The news of my death is greatly exaggerated. — W.C. Fields

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate all people equally. — W.C. Fields

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons. — W.C. Fields

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee. — W.C. Fields

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. — W.C. Fields

The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science! — W.C. Fields

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. — W.C. Fields

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks. — W.C. Fields

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything. — W.C. Fields

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. 'I'm looking for a loop-hole,' he explained. — W.C. Fields

Happiness means quiet nerves. — W.C. Fields

I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse. — W.C. Fields

I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness. — W.C. Fields

It is funnier to bend things than to break them. — W.C. Fields