Borowitz Quotes & Sayings

All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson. — Andy Borowitz

Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public. — Andy Borowitz

I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart. — Andy Borowitz

If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn. — Andy Borowitz

US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage. — Andy Borowitz

Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun. — Andy Borowitz

Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel. — Andy Borowitz

White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a story published today in "Duh" magazine. — Andy Borowitz

Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday. — Andy Borowitz

A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten. — Andy Borowitz

Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence. — Andy Borowitz

It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest. — Andy Borowitz

Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing. — Andy Borowitz

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution. — Andy Borowitz

There is a fine line between social networking and wasting your fucking life. — Andy Borowitz

Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.' — Andy Borowitz

Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron. — Andy Borowitz

Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.' — Andy Borowitz

If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born. — Andy Borowitz

Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role. — Andy Borowitz

Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap. — Andy Borowitz

Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery. — Andy Borowitz

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. — Andy Borowitz

On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations. — Andy Borowitz

Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part. — Andy Borowitz

To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney. — Andy Borowitz

The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil. — Andy Borowitz

John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service. — Andy Borowitz

Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know. — Andy Borowitz

NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out. — Andy Borowitz

Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted. — Andy Borowitz

A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog. — Andy Borowitz

If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them — Andy Borowitz

We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS. — Andy Borowitz

Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads. — Andy Borowitz

Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people" — Andy Borowitz

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. — Andy Borowitz

Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning. — Andy Borowitz

It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that. — Andy Borowitz

As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires. — Andy Borowitz

Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy. — Andy Borowitz

Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions. — Andy Borowitz

Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years. — Andy Borowitz

The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there. — Andy Borowitz

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one. — Andy Borowitz

Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help. — Andy Borowitz

The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps; and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns. — Andy Borowitz

The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about. — Andy Borowitz

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one. — Andy Borowitz

Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting. — Andy Borowitz

You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives. — Andy Borowitz

Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun. — Andy Borowitz

Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years. — Andy Borowitz

The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked. — Andy Borowitz

Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that. — Andy Borowitz