Bob Monkhouse Funny Quotes & Sayings

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo. — Bob Monkhouse

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents? — Bob Monkhouse

The censors were so far gone as to find the following sentence obscene: 'The factory gate waited for the student workers, thrown open in longing.' What can I say? This obscenity verdict was handed down by a censor in response to my script for my 1944 film about a girls' volunteer corps, Ichiban utsukushiku (The Most Beautiful). I could not fathom what it was he found to be obscene about this sentence. Probably none of you can either. But for the mentally disturbed censor this sentence was unquestionably obscene. He explained that the word 'gate' very vividly suggested to him the vagina! For these people suffering from sexual manias, anything and everything made them feel carnal desire. Because they were obscene themselves, everything seen through their obscene eyes naturally became obscene. Nothing more or less than a case of sexual pathology. — Akira Kurosawa

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest. — Bob Monkhouse

One good thing about rain in Scotland. Most of it ends up as scotch. — Peter Alliss

Money is only something you need if you don't die tomorrow. — Ziad K. Abdelnour

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'. — Bob Monkhouse

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away. — Bob Monkhouse

As long as a person doesn't know what he doesn't know, he doesn't grow — John C. Maxwell

So is man's heart. The desire to perform a work which will endure, which will survive him, is the origin of his superiority over all other living creatures here below. It is this which has established his dominion, and this it is which justifies it, over all the world. — Jules Verne

When Andrew went with the girls, we were talking all morning and he was saying, 'It's okay. Just remember we had such a good day. Our wedding was so perfect.' Because we're such a unit together. He made me feel very part of the day on April the 29th. — Sarah Ferguson

I got my start in silent radio. — Bob Monkhouse

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much. — Bob Monkhouse

The Negro needs the white man to free him from his fears. The white man needs the Negro to free him from his guilt. — Martin Luther King Jr.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals. — Bob Monkhouse

Sometimes the hardest part is just believing — Amanda Strong

To add to the effect, he hadn't shaved in a day or two, and a shadow of dark blond fuzz covered the bottom half of his face like a smile. — Kiera Cass

I loved Jen Garner in Alias. I think there are similarities, but we're definitely a very different show [Nikita]. I think it's cool to have women who are strong, kicking some ass. — Lyndsy Fonseca

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap. — Bob Monkhouse

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate. — Bob Monkhouse

We will have to stand up for and promote the power and promise of free markets and free peoples, and affirm that American preeminence safeguards rather than impedes global progress. — Condoleezza Rice

What created your outer is your inner — Joe Vitale

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard. — Bob Monkhouse

Before, I was terrified on stage. I only play guitar during the acoustic songs. After a while, you can elicit certain responses from the crowd, like Elvis. — Andy Gibb

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note! — Bob Monkhouse

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.' — Bob Monkhouse

What do gardeners do when they retire? — Bob Monkhouse

He's too reasonable," Janice said.

"I agree. But the president's campaign advisors understand controlled violence. They realize that war unites us, brings us together. Yellow ribbons, Support Our Troops, all that. Little wars help win elections, provided they're short. — Phil Harvey