Bill Bailey Funny Quotes & Sayings

I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they. — Bill Bailey

I am a confectionery-based existentialist. — Bill Bailey

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish. — Bill Bailey

I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people's doors and running away. God that was a good game. — Bill Bailey

Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?" — Bill Bailey

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department. — Bill Bailey

The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!" — Bill Bailey

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life ... — Bill Bailey

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative. — Bill Bailey

There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box. — Bill Bailey

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present ... Please leave your message after the tone." — Bill Bailey

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ... no eight! — Bill Bailey

The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die. — Bill Bailey

Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to. — Bill Bailey

I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?' — Bill Bailey

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet. — Bill Bailey

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine — Bill Bailey

(Imitating a Belarus citizen commenting on their national flag) Stupid National Anthem ... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit — Bill Bailey

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!" — Bill Bailey

Nostalgia: How long's that been around? — Bill Bailey

Thank God for Darwin, eh? — Bill Bailey

Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams. — Bill Bailey

It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide. — Bill Bailey

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard — Bill Bailey

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished. — Bill Bailey

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.' — Bill Bailey

This shed does not contain me. — Bill Bailey

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law." — Bill Bailey

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours. — Bill Bailey

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.' — Bill Bailey

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door. — Bill Bailey

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg ... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder. — Bill Bailey

Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently ... — Bill Bailey

You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing. Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing. — Bill Bailey

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers? — Bill Bailey

On the Taliban: That ethos was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs. The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the subjugation and humiliation of women from the world of golf. — Bill Bailey

Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.' — Bill Bailey

Relaxed Empiricism
I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened. — Bill Bailey

On GM crops: I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of velcro, to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles. But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding velcro so it's a bit of a long shot. — Bill Bailey

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish. — Bill Bailey

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that. — Bill Bailey

American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it. — Bill Bailey

Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism. — Bill Bailey

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship. — Bill Bailey

Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context. — Bill Bailey