Best Yahtzee Quotes & Sayings

This was how I would die. Strangled by an attractive, seminaked woman inside a fridge with a giant tarantula in the middle of a sea of carnivorous jam. As I blacked out, all I could think of was a fortune teller I'd spoken to a few years ago, and how full of shit she'd turned out to be. — Yahtzee Croshaw

He seemed to notice for the first time that we weren't exactly rushing to his side, but were mainly watching him as a zoo patron would watch a crazy monkey, curious but ready to move at the first sign of poo-flinging. There was a minute of awkward silence before someone near the back with their head held under their arm said who's this twat? — Yahtzee Croshaw

Could somebody please invade America? I know it's not exactly prime real estate and can just about produce corn and shitty TV, but someone really needs to help them blow off some steam. — Yahtzee Croshaw

Fair warning," I said. "We may die horribly the moment I turn this handle." "I beg your pardon?" I turned the handle. There — Yahtzee Croshaw

Originally it had had two settings: Stun and Kill. These had proved inadequate against the ridiculously well-armored skin of monsters from particularly rough planets, so I'd found a way to tinker with the built-in limitations. The dial now had a third setting, labeled with the handwritten words 'Solve All Immediate Problems. — Yahtzee Croshaw

It's difficult to root for America when the villains of the story live in a ditch and are armed with jagged rocks. At some point in recent years they looked up from their international heroism to realize they'd alienated the entire world. — Yahtzee Croshaw

I'd sometimes pictured myself bravely sacrificing my life to save another, but my preference had always been that it be someone I actually liked. — Yahtzee Croshaw

This is about as simple as games get. There isn't even the paltriest context for what you're doing; you're not exacting revenge on limbless pigs or feeding your pet bitch-lizard. You're a ninja, fruit is flying up in front of you, and fuck fruit. Sitting around all smug on trees and in pies. — Yahtzee Croshaw

New Super Mario Br - I'm just gonna call it "Steve" from now on, all right? — Yahtzee Croshaw

And I hate to be a stickler for the rules but the Hibatsu Survival Settlement Charter clearly states that any individual who cannot reimburse the company in liquid assets must make it up with voluntary existence suspension. — Yahtzee Croshaw

He hastily pulled off his dressing gown - revealing austere black boxer shorts and a threadbare T-shirt for something called Mogworld - and began twirling it frantically around his head. — Yahtzee Croshaw

I could think of no better place to secretly murder someone than inside a fridge. Well, actually there were probably several better ones, but none came to mind at the time. — Yahtzee Croshaw

How exactly does a steam-powered gun turret differentiate between friend and foe? I wasn't aware that boiled water could form allegiances. — Yahtzee Croshaw

Reality is a cruel and unintuitive place with frustrating gameplay mechanics.
(Press X to thanklessly toil your life away) — Yahtzee Croshaw

What can you do with a character who responds to everything by either punching it or deploying Bat Anti-thing Spray ... then punching it? — Yahtzee Croshaw

Horrors from beyond the veil of time and space are coming to eat us so shut up, sounds like a pretty good draw card for a leader to have. — Yahtzee Croshaw

I don't actually remember if I was able to get a firebolt off. I have a vague memory of seeing orange light splatter harmlessly against a spiked breastplate, but that might just have been sparks from all the metal rubbing against metal. Then there was a sound rather like a bag of wet laundry being hurled across a gravel driveway, and that was the first time I died. — Yahtzee Croshaw

Readers of my online journal - I refuse to use the word blog because it sounds like something that lives on a riverbed and communicates through farts — Yahtzee Croshaw

Last night we were noting, a freelance musician and an unemployed. But you know what we are now? ... Both unemployed? — Yahtzee Croshaw

It's way too long and I gave up on it. Abandoning forever an innocent child to a hostile and unforgiving land. Sometimes I still hear him crying late at night. He sounds exactly like a malfunctioning air conditioner. — Yahtzee Croshaw

I woke up one morning to find that the entire city had been covered in a three-foot layer of man-eating jam. — Yahtzee Croshaw

There's something terribly weird about the standard fantasy setting
not least of which the fact the phrase "standard fantasy setting" can be uttered without irony. — Yahtzee Croshaw

The root problem with Christianity is that their god is supposed to be all-powerful and benevolent. It sounds like an easy sell, but when life turns completely to shit, you have to come up with all kinds of whacked-out reasons for why kindly old Jehovah saw fit to run over little Timmy with a combine harvester and leave him in a state of vegetative, limbless agony for eighteen years. — Yahtzee Croshaw

Pimpin' ain't easy and neither is long division — Yahtzee Croshaw

State your HURRAAARRGLAB," went the monarch.
"Mr. Wonderful," said the advisor, daintily wiping the king's mouth with a hanky. "What do we keep telling you about your interrogation methods? The information's never reliable and it really hurts our image."
"It's all right," I sighed. "This is my actual face. — Yahtzee Croshaw

The most I can hope for is to die in a pose that confuses future archaeologists. — Yahtzee Croshaw

His perpetual grin was wider than any I'd ever seen, and that included several guys I'd known at Dreadgrave's with no skin on their faces. — Yahtzee Croshaw

The Necromancer's Tower squatted over the river like an incontinent titan. — Yahtzee Croshaw

There's a new spell you get around level 50 called "Mirror Image" which might as well be called "Reap On, Ye Fucking Reaper Man". — Yahtzee Croshaw

I had passed on from life, from the world of struggles and hardship and big fat women with annoying laughs, and entered a glorious new existence of utter peace, and joy, and love.
And then some git brought me back to life — Yahtzee Croshaw