Best Tommy Cooper Quotes & Sayings

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then — Tommy Cooper

The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't take it too seriously. — Mike Harding

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before. — Tommy Cooper

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. — Tommy Cooper

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows. — Tommy Cooper

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas. — Tommy Cooper

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?' — Tommy Cooper

A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. — Tommy Cooper

Tommy looked blank. "What's a flashlight?"
"You don't have flashlights?" Jessup said. "Jeeze! A cylinder, like, with batteries inside it, and a light bulb behind glass at one end
"
Tommy's blue eyes glinted dangerously. "We have a thing in Scotland that's a cylinder too. Very thin, made of wood, with graphite in the center. We call it a pencil."
Jessup hooted. "You think we don't have pencils?"
"You think we don't have flashlights?" Tommy snapped. "That's just American dialect. In the English language they're called torches."
Emily said mildly, "Actually we're Canadians. — Susan Cooper

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.' — Tommy Cooper

The big stars I felt a kinship with were never the romantic leads. It wasn't Steve McQueen or Robert Redford - it was people like Walter Matthau and Anthony Quinn. My big hero was Tommy Cooper. — Alfred Molina

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. — Tommy Cooper

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. — Tommy Cooper

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.' — Tommy Cooper

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already. — Tommy Cooper

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster". — Tommy Cooper

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it' — Tommy Cooper

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. — Tommy Cooper

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road. — Tommy Cooper

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died." — Tommy Cooper

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners. — Tommy Cooper

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window. — Tommy Cooper

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms." — Tommy Cooper

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure. — Tommy Cooper

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.' — Tommy Cooper

A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar. — Tommy Cooper

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair. — Tommy Cooper

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone. — Tommy Cooper

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.' — Tommy Cooper

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away. — Tommy Cooper