Best Tim Vine Quotes & Sayings

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out. — Tim Vine

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped. — Tim Vine

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels. — Tim Vine

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil? ... Crematoriums. — Tim Vine

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End ... ' — Tim Vine

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke. — Tim Vine

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch." — Tim Vine

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative. — Tim Vine

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul. — Tim Vine

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house. — Tim Vine

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely" ... It's a basic skill isn't it ... — Tim Vine

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again. — Tim Vine

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway. — Tim Vine

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing. — Tim Vine

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle. — Tim Vine

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera." — Tim Vine

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions". — Tim Vine

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. — Tim Vine

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum. — Tim Vine

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness". — Tim Vine

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus. — Tim Vine

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac. — Tim Vine

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet. — Tim Vine

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. — Tim Vine

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy. — Tim Vine

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R. — Tim Vine

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. — Tim Vine

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me." — Tim Vine

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' — Tim Vine

Velcro: what a rip-off. — Tim Vine

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' — Tim Vine

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. — Tim Vine