Best Maria Bamford Quotes & Sayings

My dad actually had business cards made up with my sister's website and my website and all of our information. And he hands them out to people he meets. — Maria Bamford

I have a hard time with interviews, because I'd rather hear about the interviewer. — Maria Bamford

If you stay alive for no other reason do it for spite — Maria Bamford

We're all doing the best we can and sometimes it is not that good. — Maria Bamford

I get sort of short with people and start grumbling and clearing my throat - in honor of my father - when I'm impatient. It's very charming. — Maria Bamford

I have trouble watching singers because they are so sincere. — Maria Bamford

I sleep hard; I dream harder! — Maria Bamford

Time flies when you are anxious! — Maria Bamford

I love that vision-board thing where you cut out pictures that resonate with you so they'll manifest. I've done that since I was three; I cut out pictures of ladies from the JCPenney catalog. — Maria Bamford

I think the Internet has made it easier for people to connect with things that they really like, as well as provide a more personal experience, of 'I found this!' and then you can pass it to friends. — Maria Bamford

The Internet makes everything much less mysterious. — Maria Bamford

If you're ever if you're ever thinking, "Oh, but I'm a waste of space and I'm a burden," remember: that also describes the Grand Canyon. Why don't you have friends and family take pictures of you from a safe distance? Revel in your majestic profile? — Maria Bamford

I just love that part of comedy, where you see somebody's jokes develop. They try something new to see what works, and I just love that part. — Maria Bamford

In the '90s, comedy was at a very low point, but these days, you've got people like Hannibal Burress, Ron Funches, Maria Bamford - people who can play any club, anywhere. — Andy Kindler

I thought that when you have more success that you'd feel more buoyed or feel more confident. But in fact my brain has the gift of switching it around and saying, 'Now people are expecting something. Now you're really going to let people down.' — Maria Bamford

Get out of your house and go see some live performance, for God's sake. There are people creating things just outside your window. — Maria Bamford

I never really thought of myself as depressed so much as paralyzed by hope. — Maria Bamford

I've been stopped a few times by people who want to say, 'Hi.' But I'm an introverted person, and the idea that I'd have to talk to people all the time seems a little overwhelming. — Maria Bamford

The thing that keeps the thoughts coming back is the power that you put in the thought that you can't think of it. — Maria Bamford

Here's the Middle East. Here's the mosque, here's the church, open the temple, everybody's MAD! — Maria Bamford

The bigger the crowds get, the more nervous I get. I actually am very comfortable with a half-filled room of people who are slightly disinterested and are irritated at a Barnes & Noble. — Maria Bamford

I was raised in Duluth, Minnesota, where you never say that you're cold, or that you're suffering, and you listen politely to people, even if you disagree with them completely. Then you say passive-aggressive things later. — Maria Bamford

I love festivals because they seem like more of an artsy, supportive attitude - which benefits a more theatrical performer sometimes with having theater and other non-club venues, as well as the audience being filled with other artists. It's nice to be with other comics, as usually at other road gigs, I'm solo for the most part. — Maria Bamford

I'm wildly different than Maria Bamford or Sarah Silverman, and might be more similar to some male comics. — Jen Kirkman

I'm not looking for much, I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job ... and the missing half of this golden amulet. — Maria Bamford

My mom is very religious and she said, 'Whatever you think about all the time, that's what you worship.' If that's the case I'd like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People Magazines. In this holy scripture, we read the parable of Ms. Valerie Bertinelli. — Maria Bamford

I think you can lose yourself in any creative activity - if you enjoy your job or enjoy a task, you can lose yourself in that. — Maria Bamford

I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of s**t that I don't need, that I refuse to share with others. — Maria Bamford

I am a wild orchid of comedy, so I can only do well under specific conditions ... There are people who I think can do any room, and do stadiums and thousand-seat theaters, and then there are people like me who just perform for my parents. — Maria Bamford

I love support groups, people talking about their feelings. — Maria Bamford

My mom always does this thing where, the closer I get to home, the more she calls. 'Hey, listen, how's your plane? Did you land? Are you landing? Sweetie. Listen. We want to ... ' The anxiety amps up exponentially as I get closer, and then I can't get out fast enough. — Maria Bamford

I just saw a clip of Maria Bamford. She has a comedy show that was filmed and performed from her bed - the whole thing supposedly takes place in her bedroom at her parents house in Duluth, MN. I thought it was great and really strange - to have a comedy special without having to leave your bed. — Dana Schutz