Best Lenny Bruce Quotes & Sayings

TV is just advertising for your live gig, so I'm playing whichever show is gonna get me the biggest crowd. — Lenny Bruce

I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce. — Lenny Bruce

Communism is like one big phone company. — Lenny Bruce

Once the country was settled and built, the bosses changed the order from a stack of educated workers to a barrel of minimum wage lottery dreamers. — Lenny Bruce

When you're eight years old nothing is your business. — Lenny Bruce

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. — Lenny Bruce

It never hurt Lenny Bruce's career to get arrested for swearing. It did back in the time, but he broke those doors down by doing the stuff that he believed in. — Joe Rogan

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses. — Lenny Bruce

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves. — Lenny Bruce

When earth gets good and crowded, like 15th century England, then some new Pilgrims are gonna rocket their Mayflowers to a new solar system. — Lenny Bruce

There is only what is and that's it. What should be is a dirty lie. — Lenny Bruce

Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay On Top Of Me Or I'll Die.' " I didn't know what I was goin' to do ... — Lenny Bruce

I wanted out of the navy so bad in '45, I faked homo to get a discharge. It didn't matter that the Germans surrendered, I knew we were heading to Japan and I was done with that scene. — Lenny Bruce

I would become a priest or a rabbi or a monk or whatever the hell was necessary to perform miracles such as taking money from someone else's pocket and putting it into mine, still remaining within the confines of the law. — Lenny Bruce

My idea as far as comedy goes has always been to push the limits of what's acceptable for a woman to do or say or be. My hero in that would be Lenny Bruce, who teaches us that words have no meaning. It's the intent behind them that is what's important. — Lea DeLaria

There are no dirty words, only dirty minds. — Lenny Bruce

When I was 16 or 17, I saw Lenny Bruce being taken to jail. They took him off stage because he talked about race. — Paul Mooney

Lenny Bruce is a very moral man trying to improve the world and trying to make audiences think. — Dorothy Kilgallen

You can't just run out and start the car until some cat invents a car. — Lenny Bruce

Any comic like myself owes everything he has to Lenny Bruce. He was the originator. The godfather of uncensored American stand-up is clearly Lenny Bruce. — Joe Rogan

People are leaving the church and going back to God. — Lenny Bruce

If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone. — Lenny Bruce

Let me tell you the truth: The truth is what is. And what should be is a fantasy a terrible, terrible lie that someone gave the people long ago. — Lenny Bruce

Anyone who does anything for pleasure to indulge his selfish soul will surely burn in Hell. — Lenny Bruce

Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it. — Lenny Bruce

Part of the kick of making people laugh was doing something different. We were a rare breed - spotting one of us was like pinning a space alien, or abdominal snowman. There were maybe a hundred stand-ups in the whole country when I was doing it. — Lenny Bruce

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. — Lenny Bruce

Every group, every system has a set of values and morals and when you get outside those, then the alarms ring. I was politically incorrect to 95% of the country; luckily my 5% had the bread to come see me. — Lenny Bruce

(On his addiction to opiods): I'll die young, but it's like kissing God. — Lenny Bruce

Anyone who has two shirts when someone has none is not a christian. — Lenny Bruce