Best Jon Stewart Quotes & Sayings

Democrats - always standing up for what they later realize they should have believed in. — Jon Stewart

It's a wonder our country doesn't implode. — Jon Stewart

You feel kind of weird cheering for chaos. There is that sense that the crazier it gets, the better off we are. Before, when I was part of the American public, I was hoping for a reasonable and quick solution to the impeachment process. Now, I'm hoping for partisan bedlam and chaos. It's really what serves me best. — Jon Stewart

Free time is death to the anxious, and thank goodness I don't have any of it right now. — Jon Stewart

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. — Jon Stewart

It has been eleven days, Stephen, eleven fucking days! Eleven! The presidency is supposed to age the president, not the public. — Jon Stewart

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it's not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They're not living their lives via platforms. They're living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct. — Jon Stewart

The White House released documents it claims validates the president's (National Guard) service ... When deciphered the documents showed that in a one-year period, 1972 and 1973, Bush received credit for nine days of active National Guard service. The traditional term of service then and now for the National Guard is one weekend a month and two full weeks a year, meaning that Bush's nine-day stint qualifies him only for the National Guard's National Guard. That's the National Guard's National Guard, an Army of None. — Jon Stewart

Do you know how many movies I wrote when I was high? — Jon Stewart

In what is perhaps the strangest turn in the President's efforts to rally support, he agreed that Iraq is just like Vietnam, but in a good way. — Jon Stewart

The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor. — Jon Stewart

Comedians, such as yourself, Jon Stewart and others, are a valuable supplement, and here's why: Good journalism at its best frequently speaks truth to power. What's happened with journalists - again, I don't except myself from this criticism - in some ways we've lost our guts. We need a spine transplant. What's happened is comedians, in their own way, speak truth to power and fill that vacuum that we in journalism have too often left, particularly post 9/11. — Dan Rather

Fire up your heart for the wind is getting cold, now it always gets cold for the riders of the night. When you carry that dream when you know what lonesome is looking for a home like a bird in flight. — Jon Stewart

No matter what your race, creed or sexual preference, there is a word that people use to describe you that is very nasty. It's what we all have in common. That, and masturbation. — Jon Stewart

The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something. — Jon Stewart

The best way to describe my ability was to say that after the game the other kids would say to me, 'Way to try!' — Jon Stewart

Julie Christie was absolutely amazing in Away From Her. Brilliant movie. It was the moving story of a woman who forgets her own husband. Hillary Clinton calls it the feel good movie of the year. — Jon Stewart

The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote ... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1. — Jon Stewart

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena. — Jon Stewart

We look at, the absurdity of the system provides us the most material. And that is best served by sort of the theater of it all, you know, which, by the way, thank you both, because it's been helpful. — Jon Stewart

My life was typical. I played a little Little League baseball. I never wanted for food. I always had shoes. I had a room. There were no great tragedies. There were the typical ups and downs but I wouldn' t say it was at all sad. We were Jewish and living in the suburbs so there was a slightly neurotic bent to it, but I can't point to anything where a boy overcame a tragedy to become a comedian. As my grandmother used to say, 'I can't complain. — Jon Stewart

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news. — Jon Stewart

After a long investigation the SEC has fined Halliburton $7.5 million for issuing fraudulent statements exaggerating their profits in 1998 and 1999 during which their CEO was - oh who was it? Oh that's right ... Cheney himself has not been implicated in the scandal and according to Cheney's lawyer there is no allegation whatsoever that he acted in any way other than in the best interests of the company and its shareholders. And you know what? It's still true today. — Jon Stewart

I wonder who really is the change candidate? It can't be both of them [Hillary Clinton & Barak Obama]. What would be a black man and a woman - how could that be different than the 43 other Presidents we've had? — Jon Stewart

They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas. — Jon Stewart

Comedy is the only form of entertainment where the audience doesn't know what to expect. In an evening, you might get ten comics doing ten different things. That's not what happens when you go to hear music. There isn't a classical performance followed by a hoedown followed by rap. — Jon Stewart

I have to tell you I enjoy Jon Stewart. That's the truth. I actually think he's very funny. I've paid to see him do his stand-up routine. — Megyn Kelly

Yes, it seems that as the President (George W. Bush) comes to the end of his two terms, he's finally realized the best way to get things done for you, is for you to do it. — Jon Stewart

The government that governs best, governs best! — Jon Stewart

We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox. — Jon Stewart

New York City isn't Chuck E. Cheese. We don't have ball pits for the kids to play in. We have titty bars and crack. — Jon Stewart

Nineteen people flew into the towers. It seems hard for me to imagine that we could go to war enough to make the world safe enough that nineteen people wouldn't want to do harm to us. So it seems like we have to rethink a strategy that is less military-based. — Jon Stewart

Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible? — Jon Stewart

We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1. — Jon Stewart

The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie's Angles because it's "offensive to the religion of Islam." Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot. — Jon Stewart

If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars. — Jon Stewart

Poor Al Gore. Global warming completely debunked via the very internet you invented. — Jon Stewart

Doing stand-up comedy is in the middle of a traffic jam getting everybody moving again. — Jon Stewart

I kid because I'm on basic cable. — Jon Stewart

Nobody out-rednecks the great state of America. — Jon Stewart

Following revelations that he fathered a love child, the good Reverend Jesse Jackson - or should we say the 'very' good Reverend - is enduring the scandal with the help of family and friends. A scandal which gives clearer meaning to the Rainbow Coalition's Operation 'Push'. — Jon Stewart

Here it is ... your moment of zen. — Jon Stewart

Body hair. You know when you're swimming as a kid and you want to crawl on your dad? None of us went anywhere near him. 'My god, a beaver! Everyone out of the pool! — Jon Stewart

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone. — Jon Stewart

Some people have criticized the United States and the United States military for guarding oil fields and not guarding the Iraqi National Museum which had priceless antiquities in it. They say that this shows a fundamental lack of respect for Iraqi history. I want to remind those people of this: The oldest relics in the museum, 5,000 or 6,000 years old. That oil is 65 million years old. You had to guard that ... Those antiquities will only last another 5,000 or 6,000 years. When we burn that oil, those fumes will linger long after. — Jon Stewart

Ralph Nader choose the man with whom to share the responsibility of running a distant third, California activist Peter Camejo. You may remember that Camejo ran for president in 1976 on the Socialist Workers Party ticket. Actually, you might only remember that if you run a lesbian, vegetarian, bookstore. — Jon Stewart

I've always run by the hierarchy of 'If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something. — Jon Stewart

There is going to come a day when everyone here is going to need keen observation and wit to ridicule George W. Bush. But when that day comes, all we're going to have are tired puns and goofy looks. Because as you would say, we're suffering from the soft bigotry of low expectorations. — Jon Stewart

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us? — Jon Stewart

Jazz musicians are the coolest people on the planet. Can I have some cool? — Jon Stewart