Best Joan Rivers Quotes & Sayings

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent. — Joan Rivers

I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl. — Joan Rivers

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage. — Joan Rivers

Mel Gibson's father doesn't think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don't think there's a movie. We're even. — Joan Rivers

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it. — Joan Rivers

That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around. — Joan Rivers

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips. — Joan Rivers

Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.' — Joan Rivers

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting. — Joan Rivers

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. — Joan Rivers

What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery. — Joan Rivers

I have nothing snarky to say about Joan Rivers' appearance. We should all be that happy with how we look on camera, frankly. — Julie Klausner

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward. — Joan Rivers

I hate weddings. Weddings are nothing more than catering with virgins. Sorry, in the old days it was virgins; now it's baby mommas. — Joan Rivers

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know. — Joan Rivers

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. — Joan Rivers

We wanted to do it, and we did it and we don't give a damn, — Joan Rivers

I was born in 1962 and the room next to me was 1963. — Joan Rivers

When I was in New York, I got to see Joan Rivers do an hour of material, and it blew my mind. I don't remember how old she was at the time, but she just had this edgy hour that had so much funny stuff in it, and she was so fearless. If you only watch her on the red carpet, you don't get a sense of what a legendary standup comedian she is. — Chelsea Peretti

I could stop and live carefully but that's ridiculous. I don't want to live carefully. — Joan Rivers

She's so fat, she's my two best friends. — Joan Rivers

Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been. — Joan Rivers

Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all. — Joan Rivers

It's obvious that women are smarter than men. Think about it - diamonds are a girl's best friend; man's best friend is a dog. — Joan Rivers

Tyra's always standing up for herself and her "race" over perceived slights. For example, she'll say, "You just pushed me because I'm black!" No, I pushed you because the train was coming right at you, you bulimic twit. — Joan Rivers

So many people: Lucille Ball is the earliest incarnation of a woman I thought was funny, Joan Rivers, Roseanne, Carol Burnett, Gilda Radnor, down to current times, where you have Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, and Kristen Wiig. — Chelsea Peretti

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her. — Joan Rivers

If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot. — Joan Rivers

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it. — Joan Rivers

You need to look like a lady at the Oscars. Otherwise, Joan Rivers will tear you apart. Then again, you aren't really anyone till Joan Rivers tears you apart. — Paris Hilton

I hate Arizona. It always eight hundred degrees outside and everybody's always saying, "But it's a dry heat!" So's the inside of my microwave. — Joan Rivers

And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window. — Joan Rivers

I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge. — Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers is a very wise lady. We're good friends, and I find her very much an inspiration as to how to conduct your life, and how to remain very youthful, with ambitions and dreams. Anyway, she always says that she says "yes" to everything, because you never know which thing will click, or be thrilling.. — Charles Busch

I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives. — Joan Rivers

Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me. — Joan Rivers

I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for "Best Special Effects." — Joan Rivers

I'm not trying to be the next Joan Rivers. — Isaac Mizrahi

Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.' — Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he would put diamonds on the floor — Joan Rivers

When I am on E! for the 'Fashion Police,' I only care about being a critic. It loses me many friends. — Joan Rivers

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds. — Joan Rivers

I'm a New York girl. I come out of New York theater. — Joan Rivers

My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time. — Joan Rivers