Best Jeselnik Quotes & Sayings

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you? — Anthony Jeselnik

My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd. — Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head. — Anthony Jeselnik

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower. — Anthony Jeselnik

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new. — Anthony Jeselnik

It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me. — Anthony Jeselnik

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment. — Anthony Jeselnik

Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it — Anthony Jeselnik

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop. — Anthony Jeselnik

I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies? — Anthony Jeselnik

I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler. — Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person ... so I can get a better girlfriend. — Anthony Jeselnik

I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist. — Anthony Jeselnik

I enjoyed writing for someone else's voice, but I wasn't very good at it. — Anthony Jeselnik

I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter. — Anthony Jeselnik

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there. — Anthony Jeselnik

Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and 'I hope horrible things don't happen to my family,' but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release. — Anthony Jeselnik

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem. — Anthony Jeselnik

I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome. — Anthony Jeselnik

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job. — Anthony Jeselnik

The one thing I've found you really can't joke about - and people think it's death or something - is money. No one thinks it's funny, whether you have it or you don't. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about. — Anthony Jeselnik

I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry. — Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. — Anthony Jeselnik

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.' — Anthony Jeselnik

I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled. — Anthony Jeselnik

One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves, or making a joke about some horrible tragedy - I love being able to fight for and get on TV. I just think it's so different. — Anthony Jeselnik

I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word. — Anthony Jeselnik

I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic. — Anthony Jeselnik

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy. — Anthony Jeselnik

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says. — Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep. — Anthony Jeselnik

I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to get something, I don't mind that. If half the crowd gets the joke and the other half is sitting there scratching their heads, that's just as good for me if I like the joke, because I feel like it just brings people in more. — Anthony Jeselnik