Best Dylan Moran Quotes & Sayings

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect. — Dylan Moran

Your mind is a hive of worms. And worms don't live in a hive, so it already feels unnatural. — Dylan Moran

Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon! — Dylan Moran

I suppose the best comedy shows do have the rock n' roll feeling - if it's a great night, and the roof is raised ... yeah, it's a similar feeling, sure. — Dylan Moran

Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today ... and there are other pressures. — Dylan Moran

I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all. — Dylan Moran

I've been writing since I was very young, even before I was a teenager. As far as I'm concerned, I am a writer - whether my writing's spoken or written in a blog, paper, book or printed on the side of a submarine. — Dylan Moran

I used to live with two other guys. We used to cook two things. The first one was called 'cheese ... thing' and that was where you get something and you melt cheese over it and the first one to guess what it is doesn't have to wash up. That's obviously quite Mediterranean; the other one was less complex. It was just called 'cheese fantasy.' That's where you come in, very drunk, at about five in the morning and find an apple and just pretend there's some cheese on it. — Dylan Moran

I'm really not big on nationalism, to be honest with you. I really don't think it gets people anywhere except near a pile of dead bodies. I'm Irish, yeah, but I don't need to get up on a soapbox about it. — Dylan Moran

Or that other bullshit, 'I need more space.' People never quantify exactly how much space they need, but strangely enough it always seems to be the exact same height, depth, and breadth as you. — Dylan Moran

I would never really analyse what I do. I leave that to other people - I'm not a critic. I just want to get on with whatever I have in hand, you know? Just try to make the best job of the available material. — Dylan Moran

And I'm not saying it's a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I'm saying is that if you get, I don't know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid, put the other end up my arse, stick me on a trampoline in a moving lift, and I would write a better song on the walls. That's all I'm saying. — Dylan Moran

In the same way, there is some creature gnawing away inside of me, urging me to do things in different ways. — Dylan Moran

I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly and turn up at the same place every day and eat sandwiches in the same canteen, if I can possibly help it, as I don't think I'd be very good at it. — Dylan Moran

What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight. — Dylan Moran

You have to assume that you're talking to the most intelligent, tuned-in audience you could ever get. That's the way you're going to get the best out of people. Whether they know you or not shouldn't matter for comedy. They should get to know you pretty quickly. and they should be having a good time pretty quickly. — Dylan Moran

I need a healthy injection of cynicism right now. — Dylan Moran

So here are some foolproof recipes for those of you who understand the true function of food.
Bean Treat: Gingerly pour four fluid oz of beans or something into a jug. Cry. Eat the beans from the jug and pour the rest from the can down your throat. N.B. These taste better if they belong to somebody else in your house.
Pain au Dunk: Fists of bread, rent from the loaf and dunked into anything runnier than bread. Should eat at least six of these because ... you should. Don't toast the bread. Toast is cookery. — Dylan Moran

What is universal can be surprising. Over time you find the kind of stuff which has people thinking 'That is just something that occurred to me ... there's something wrong with me', is in fact stuff that is universal. — Dylan Moran

I don't know that you're able to measure your aggregate wisdom as you go through life. I can't say that I ever feel that I'm sitting on top of a growing mound of wisdom. — Dylan Moran

Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! FRY HER!! FRY HER!" — Dylan Moran

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?' — Dylan Moran

Paper acts as an eraser on the mind, as soon as you look at what you've written. — Dylan Moran

Two young, fit, healthy attractive people in love? There's nothing worse to look at in the world. — Dylan Moran

The trend now is to get away from stage bound sitcoms. — Dylan Moran

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself. — Dylan Moran

You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead! — Dylan Moran

I don't really think of myself as an actor. — Dylan Moran

I'm fascinated by how you'll change your position so many times over a lifetime, but really what you're doing is occupying a series of positions on a landscape. — Dylan Moran

I actually very rarely see comedy myself, and although I admire the work of some comics, it does come from all over, so I'll get a charge out of some fiction writers and poets. — Dylan Moran

People will kill you over time. And how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases like 'be realistic'. — Dylan Moran

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it. — Dylan Moran

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it. — Dylan Moran

If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a lift, I could write a better song on the walls. — Dylan Moran

You've a very important, early decision to make in your life: are you going to be alone, or are you going to be with somebody else? Are you going to be sane, or not lonely? A couple is a strange thing; it's an organism that's half as intelligent as the most intelligent member. And you both know who it is. — Dylan Moran

You're never going to go. Why would you go? It's a disgusting place. It's always wet even when it's dry. There's nothing there. Farmers aren't really people, you know this. They're just necessary, we need somebody to kill cows. — Dylan Moran