Best Dennis Miller Quotes & Sayings

I've grown fonder for Hillary Clinton since she ran for the presidency. I think that it's emblematic of the Rolling Stones song, you can't always get what you want, i.e., the grail. Sometimes you get what you need. And whatever she's gotten over the last couple of years, being humbled or be it being humbled and see the proletariat come to bat for her, getting outside of the bubble, getting out of this man's shadow, not quite getting the job she wants but a great wonk job. — Dennis Miller

Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary - the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians. — Dennis Miller

The funny thing is, Dennis Miller got me back into comedy. — Tommy Chong

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. — Dennis Miller

That kid's got an arm like Uncle Fester at an exhibition of Pre-Colombian ... um, Christ, I lost it. I was going for something thick. So what's with the beard, Grizzly Fouts? — Dennis Miller

Twitter! Never have lives been less lived and more chronicled! — Dennis Miller

A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George. — Dennis Miller

Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie. — Dennis Miller

When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar's tomb. — Dennis Miller

I used to be sceptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I'm getting screwed. — Dennis Miller

Hey, Cunningham - Andy Warhol called. You're at 14:55 and we're tickin' big-time here, Chachi. — Dennis Miller

I'm left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut case from overseas wants to blow up their wedding, that's when I'm right. — Dennis Miller

If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children! — Dennis Miller

America was founded by puritans and like it or not the anti-pleasure dogma of those buckled-shoed killjoys still pervades our collective unconscious like an I-max shot of Dennis Franz's naked hairy cop ass. Hence, anything enjoyable is automatically forbidden and bad and in our panic to avoid it at all cost we become obsessed with it ... like dressing up in a pink teddy and a pair of ugboots and repeatedly screaming the word 'VERBOTEN!' into a conk shell balanced on the back on a miniature pony ... Oh, I see.. That would just be me. — Dennis Miller

The soldiers kill suicide bombers. Think about that. When a guys whole thing in life is to kill himself and you get there first ... you are halling ass my friends. — Dennis Miller

I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party. — Dennis Miller

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to 35 and your job still requires you wear a nametag, you've probably made a serious vocational error. — Dennis Miller

What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. — Dennis Miller

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. — Dennis Miller

I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years. — Dennis Miller

Everybody is full of crap. The coin of the realm is being full of crap. The best people - being full of crap are our leaders and our superstars. — Dennis Miller

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble. — Dennis Miller

Even the best psychiatrist is like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant foam "We're #1" finger. — Dennis Miller

Nervous? He's tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island. — Dennis Miller

Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They're *football* players, for chrissakes! — Dennis Miller

After September 11th, freedom of speech in America has become a topic that's touchier than a Vatican summer camp. — Dennis Miller

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse. — Dennis Miller

Writing is easy. Writing is hard. It's a breeze and a struggle, just like life. — Dennis R. Miller

At some point you cannot be the kid in the glass bubble in this world. You might've heard throughout your grade school and high school years that it was a safe, nice, warm, fair, feeling place ... but it can get brutal when it gets competitive. Especially when you succeed. Watch the detractors come out of the walls at that point. — Dennis Miller

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board. — Dennis Miller

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. — Dennis Miller

The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens. — Dennis Miller

The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel. — Dennis Miller

So who's the big red menace nowadays? Cuba. That's it? I'm sorry, but it's hard to whip up any us against them nationalist fervor about a country whose principal export is citizens who can swim. — Dennis Miller

Laughter is one of the great beacons in life because we don't refract it by gunning it through our intellectual prism. What makes us laugh is a mystery - an involuntary response. — Dennis Miller

Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks. — Dennis Miller

Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. — Dennis Miller

5) "lost" prescriptions (for example, a customer dropped off a prescription on Tuesday and returned on Wednesday only to find that the pharmacy staff can find no trace of that prescription - it happens more often than you think!). — Dennis Miller