Believe It Or Not Funny Quotes & Sayings

Real sex is as much about reciprocity as it is exploration and if you need a reason to resent a man later on, just consider the guy who doesn't believe in cunnilingus ... — Roberto Hogue

Charlotte!" Denbigh roared. "What are you doing in my bedroom, and why didn't you knock?"
"I brought the doctor," she said with asperity.
"A young lady does not enter the bedroom of a gentleman to whom she is not married," Denbigh retorted.
"Then what is Olivia doing in here?" she asked.
"Olivia is my sister."
"So?"
"You are my ward."
"So?"
Olivia laughed. "Oh, Lion, you won't win an argument with Charlotte. Believe me, I've tried. — Joan Johnston

Always keep a smile. I attribute my long life to that. I believe I will die laughing. That's part of my program. — Jeanne Calment

A scarlet flame suffused her face. 'You are very insolent,' she said, lamely. 'I've often been told so. But I don't believe it. — Rafael Sabatini

Rwandans have a funny relationship with God, which they convey through a story that anyone can tell you: "God worked very hard for six days creating the heavens and the earth. But on the seventh day, he needed a break, so he picked Rwanda as the place to take a much needed sleep. God sleeps in Rwanda, then keeps busy at work everywhere else."
This story has two meanings: The negative take is that God is not in Rwanda to protect you or answer your prayers, that He comes here only to shut His eyes. The other interpretation of "God sleeps in Rwanda" is that the country is a mile up, cooler and more beautiful than any other place, and so, naturally, this would be where God comes when He is not punching the clock. His favorite place. It was the second interpretation that we needed to believe. — Josh Ruxin

Then this," Grimm said, "is what I believe professional inquisitors refer to as a clue."
"In my considered judgment as an occasional inquisitor for the Spirearch," Benedict said, "I believe you may be correct. — Jim Butcher

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people. — Tim Vine

God, Packard! Do you know how hard I worked at
it?" I twist up the napkin and whip it at him.
He deflects it. "There we go; I knew you could do it."
My mouth falls open. "Very funny."
He just laughs.
"I can't believe you! — Carolyn Crane

But its not funny. Not to people who've been told they're losers their whole lives and believe they will never be anything else. — Julie Anne Peters

Then, almost as an afterthought, she turned and locked the bathroom door. If he thought he was going to seduce her, make her stupid enough to believe his lies by getting her into bed, he'd better think again. She stepped into the water. Besides, women didn't lose brain cells at the thought of sex. Only men did. — Maggie Shayne

I tore off another chuck of muffin and stared down at my chest. I shrugged and dabbed the muffin in the cum and popped it in my mouth. "I can't believe you just did that!" "Yeah," I snarled up my lip, "didn't quite think that one through all the way. — Ethan Day

There's magic all around us: Our smartphones are magical, 3-D printers are magical. So I feel that as a magician, if I can pull off something that seems real and convincing enough that I can explain why it's happening and have people believe it, it really is fascinating. And funny. — Michael Carbonaro

But I believe that there are marriages where you can have your pool table and she can have her scrapbooking room or garden or whatever it is. But when everyone has what they want, it's not funny. There's no conflict. — Brad Garrett

I do not want chemistry to degenerate into a religion; I do not want the chemist to believe in the existence of atoms as the Christian believes in the existence of Christ in the communion wafer. — Marcellin Berthelot

Funny how you can think that the world is ending but still believe things will work out. We always think there's going to be a happy ending somewhere. — Lorna Jane Cook

Believe it or not, I write on stage. I can't write anywhere else; I have to be in a moment. I also have to challenge myself to make something funny out of a premise. I never have my own jokes written. I have to change things as I go along, and I have to entertain myself. — J. B. Smoove

Jesse, we can't do this."
"Sure we can, honey. It's the perfect night for it. You're a woman, I'm a
man. Those little twinkling things overhead are stars. I believe it's referred to as romance. — Christine Feehan

Faith is a funny thing. It's easy to believe while life is rolling merrily along. But in times of trial, it's tempting to turn away from God. Yet that's when we need him the most. — Irene Hannon

It's funny when so many people I meet tell me that I'm a complicated and mysterious person they can't understand. The problem isn't in me but in them. When I say something, I do it. The problem is that they don't believe I will, and they don't believe anyone can do what I say I will. That's their confusion. But actually, I'm a simple person, as I always match my own words. That's how you must see it. Just cut through "common sense" and move forward, and achieve! Let others worry about the how. — Robin Sacredfire

I'm a firm believer in equality at all times - "
"At all times?" She glanced at the cuffs clipped to his leathers. "Why do I find that hard to believe?" And why the heck was she arguing with him. Mine, mine, mine.
"At all times," he repeated. "However, in the bedroom or in the club, I am a lot more equal than you. — Cherise Sinclair

I suppose." Mousefur sniffed. "No doubt it'll be up to me to teach them manners. Kits nowadays don't know how to show any respect."
Jayfeather's whiskers twitched with amusement.
"Don't you believe it," Purdy whispered. "She was teaching Lilykit and Seedkit how to reach under the wall of the warriors' den and catch stray tails yesterday. — Erin Hunter

I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe. — Lewis Black

I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him. — Ben Bailey

Bringing a pot plant to the office, I believe, is a sign of quite serious commitment. — Danielle Wood

I don't have the heart to tell my sons that the older one gets, the less funny literature becomes - and they would refuse to believe me if I tried to explain that some people don't think jokes even belong in proper books. I won't bother breaking the news that, if they remain readers, they will insist on depressing themselves for about a decade of their lives, in a concerted search of gravitas through literature. — Nick Hornby

I love being funny! I started in the theater when I was 9 and, believe it or not, always played the funny part! — Robert Knepper

My favorite television show has changed throughout the years. I used to think 'Married ... With Children' was really funny. But now that I've gotten older, it's 'The Golden Girls,' believe it or not. That shows kills me. — Blake Shelton

Dear Mommy
I'm doing really good,
I get all A's in school
And I don't cry at bedtime anymore,
Though my new mom said I could.
I remember how much you hate tears,
You slapped them out of me
To make me strong,
I think it worked.
I learned to use a microscope
And my hair grew two inches.
It's pretty, just like yours.
I'm not allowed to clean the house,
Only my own room,
Isn't that a funny rule?
You say kids are so much trouble
Getting born, they better pay it back.
I'm not supposed to take care
Of the other kids, only me, I sort of like it.
I still get the hole in my stomach
When I do something wrong,
I have a saying on my mirror
"Kids make mistakes, It's OK,"
I read it every day,
Sometimes I even believe it.
I wonder if you ever think of me
Or if you're glad the troublemaker's gone,
I never want to see you again.
I love you, Mommy. — Karyl McBride

Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don't mind laughing at it before you guys do. — Kevin Hart

There are many who believe that 'Marriage is not a word - it is a sentence!' Whether you are indeed 'married' or if you are 'single', I am sure that funny quotes on weddings and marriages always tend to put a wicked smile to the face. It is often said that 'People who are married are often desperate to get out of it and people who are single can't wait to get in!' — Georg C. Lichtenberg

"I can't believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it?" The baby starts to come down ... and once that happens you can't-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that's how I did it. — Tina Fey

I don't believe in things like that - fairies or brownies or magic or anything. It's old-fashioned.'
'Well, we must be jolly old-fashioned then,' said Bessie. 'Because we not only believe in the Faraway Tree and love our funny friends there, but we go to see them too - and we visit the lands at the top of the Tree as well! — Enid Blyton

Tessa reached out and took her hand. "Can I tell you something?"
"As long as it's not advice on chasing after a married man."
She squeezed Sara's hand. "I'm really in love with my husband."
Sara gave a careful "Okay."
"I know you think Lem is boring and too earnest and too self-righteous, and believe me, he can be all those
things, but a thousand times a day, I hear a song, or I think of something funny, or Daddy says one of his
stupid puns, and the first thing that comes into my head is 'I want to tell Lem about this.' And I know that
halfway around the world, he's thinking the same thing." She paused. "That's what love is, Sara, when there are so many things about you that you only want one person in the world to know. — Karin Slaughter

It's a funny thing about the modern world. You hear girls in the toilets of clubs saying, "Yeah, he fucked off and left me. He didn't love me. He just couldn't deal with love. He was too fucked up to know how to love me." Now, how did that happen? What was it about this unlovable century that convinced us we were, despite everything, eminently lovable as a people, as a species? What made us think that anyone who fails to love us is damaged, lacking, malfunctioning in some way? And particularly if they replace us with a god, or a weeping madonna, or the face of Christ in a ciabatta roll
then we call them crazy. Deluded. Regressive. We are so convinced of the goodness of ourselves, and the goodness of our love, we cannot bear to believe that there might be something more worthy of love than us, more worthy of worship. Greeting cards routinely tell us everybody deserves love. No. Everybody deserves clean water. Not everybody deserves love all the time. — Zadie Smith

The real funny thing is, whether the demons exist or not at all in your life, it's nothing to do whether you believe or not to one, none nor both of them. — Toba Beta

I'm not sure if i believe in love at first sight or any of that shit. But i know that sitting there in a room with half-retarded motherfuckers drooling from their lithium and Trazodone, whatever I felt, it was close. Like I had this need to hold her, protect her bones from her parents or drugs or whatever wouldn't let her sleep and night, and i wanted her to think i was funny and sexy and smart and beautiful, just fucking beautiful. Sitting there while the tech introduced us to her, I wanted to be better than I was, not just to fuck this girl, but to be better for her. Guess that's a good enough definition of love. — Peter Stenson

I think this is the ugliest place I've ever seen. Not just here. The whole state." I hear my parents telling me not to be negative, which is funny because I've always been the happy one. It's Eleanor who was moody. "I used to think that. But then I realized, believe it or not, it's actually beautiful to some people. It must be, because enough people live here, and they can't all think it's ugly." He smiles out at the ugly trees and the ugly farmland and the ugly kids as if he can see Oz. As if he can really, truly see the beauty that's there. In that moment I wish I could see it through his eyes. — Jennifer Niven

I grew tired of religion some time not long after birth. I believe in people, I believe in humans, I believe in a car, but I don't believe something I can't have absolutely no evidence of for millenniums. And it's funny, people think analysis or psychiatry is mad, and they go to church ... — John Malkovich

I remained serious. For one thing, I thought it stupid of her to appear to believe or to wish other people to believe that nobody, really, was as smart as herself. For another thing, people who laugh so heartily at what they themselves have said, when it is not funny, dispense us accordingly, by taking upon themselves the responsibility for the mirth, from joining in it. — Marcel Proust

The only funny part about Colonial Dunsboro is maybe it's too authentic, but for all the wrong reasons. This whole crowd of losers and nutcases who hide out here because they can't make it in the real world, in real jobs - isn't this why we left England in the first place? To establish our own alternate reality. Weren't the Pilgrims pretty much the crackpots of their time? For sure, instead of just wanting to believe something different about God's love, the losers I work with want to find salvation through compulsive behaviors. — Chuck Palahniuk

I kind of don't believe in actors directing themselves. Obviously some people have done it well, but I don't see how I could. It's funny that you ask, because I've just been thinking that maybe I'd rather direct The Bell Jar than act in it. It's a huge leap to go from a short to a feature, so I'm tentative - I'm like, Well, that's just so triple-type-A personality of you. — Julia Stiles

Scully-'
'I screwed up.' Her hands again. 'Damnit, I screwed up.'
'Nope' [Mulder] said ... 'If I was dead, then you would have screwed up.' She saw the grin. 'Then I'd have to haunt you.'
'Mulder that's not funny.'
'But you don't believe in ghosts and goblins ... — Charles Grant

I don't believe in God, don't believe in the devil. Unless you want to count my mother. She might be Satan's sister, I suppose. — Ellen Hopkins

I don't believe in God, I only believe in Al Pacino, and that's the truth. — Javier Bardem

It was funny, in her old age, to look back and see for how short a period her nest had NOT been empty. Relatively speaking, it was nothing - empty far longer than full. so much of herself had been invested in those children; who could believe how briefly they'd been with her. — Anne Tyler

I don't believe in magic. — J.K. Rowling

It's all sort of dreams and it's all illusion. It's theater; it's not real. We're making up stories, you know, and people tend to run into you and believe you are your characters. And I suppose the funny thing is the longer you go, you do become sort of some version of [your characters]. You both diverge from them - you know - you live, but you also permanently inhabit that geography and that mental space - and so you do morph a little bit. We do become what we imagine. — Bruce Springsteen

When you say 'I want to fit in,' you are essentially volunteering yourself as a victim, and when the thing you want to fit in with is 'society' - well, as 'society' is just another word for government, you're basically begging the government to control you and use you as it wishes for its nefarious purposes, which can be pretty damn nefarious, if 'nefarious' means what I believe it does. — Frank Portman

Brightness ... I believe you stray into sarcasm."
"Funny.I thought I'd run straight into it,screaming at the top of my lungs. — Brandon Sanderson

Can a woodchuck chuck wood? Because the question is, "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if," so you haven't established or proved without any shadow of a doubt that a woodchuck could chuck wood. Frankly, I believe that they chew wood. I don't think they can chuck wood at all! I take offense to the whole chucking question. — Tim Allen

Look here, cousin," Big Country's drawled in the background. "This here's a car. We just got off a plane, and no matter how fast you push this bitch, she ain't gon' fly, so believe me when I say, I refuse to die over some foolishness you call love, not today. — Shay Rucker

I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm taking an extra pair of underwear just in case. — Woody Allen

I don't even pretend to believe I know everything; I just believe in arguments God told me I had a pretty good chance of winning, while I was traveling through hell. — Shannon L. Alder

My family tree spreads wide as well. I am a great ape, and you are a great ape, and so are chimpanzees and orangutans and bonobos, all of us distant and distrustful cousins.
I know this is troubling.
I too find it hard to believe there is a connection across time and space, linking me to a race of ill-mannered clowns.
Chimps. There's no excuse for them. — Katherine Applegate

I was employed as a salesman, selling a marvelous tea that could cure all ills. Funny, don't you think? I have never lied so much in my life, I traveled all over the country, selling my miraculous tea to whoever would believe me. I never felt guilty about it. The tea didn't do any harm, I can assure you, and my words gave such hope to those who bought it that I reckon they might still owe me money, because hope is beyond price. — Jose Saramago

I did. I did see Bigfoot when I was a kid and I still believe it to this day. I saw a big furry man outside my window. It's not funny! It was real. — Barry Watson

I'm considering whether or not to believe you. I need to run an algorithm on this."
"That's not funny."
"You might be trying to trick me into sleeping with you. — Jessica Park

Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion. — Honore Gabriel Riqueti, Comte De Mirabeau

You've always been there for me. Always. Even when I ... " V
"Even when you what?" B
"You know." V
"What?" B
"Fuck. Even when I was in love with you. Or some shit." V
Butch clasped his hands to his chest. "Was? Was? I can't believe you've lost interest." He threw one arm over his eyes, all Sarah Bernhardt. "My dreams of our future are shattered - " B
"Shut it, cop." V
Butch looked out from under his arm. "Are you kidding me? The reality show I had planned was fantastic. Was going to pitch it to VH1. Two Bites Are Better Than One. We were going to make millions ." B
"Oh, for the love. — J.R. Ward

Well, they did rather detest each other. Not unlike yourself and Mr. Malfoy. And then, your father did something Snape could never forgive." "What?" "He saved his life." "What?" "Yes . . ." said Dumbledore dreamily. "Funny, the way people's minds work, isn't it? Professor Snape couldn't bear being in your father's debt. . . . I do believe he worked so hard to protect you this year because he felt that would make him and your father even. Then he could go back to hating your father's memory in peace. . — J.K. Rowling

Most reject the more repugnant or indefensible dogmas while still holding onto some core belief. Many believers will proudly describe themselves as "reasonable" or "rational" based on how little of their religion they still embrace versus how much they now reject. I think it's funny when people realize that the less you believe the more reasonable you are, but they stop before they reach the logical conclusion. — Aron Ra

When taking Spock to see the spores, Leila comments, "It's not much further." having been beaten about the head severely on the difference between "further" and "farther," I believe I can say with some trembling confidence that she should say, "it's not much farther." "Further" means "to a greater extent or degree" whereas "farther" means "to a greater distance." (I know this is really picky, but hey, that's my business.) — Phil Farrand

And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!" — Chris Rock

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq. — Stephen Colbert

Do you get the feeling that they're talking about someone else other than an article?"
Kami stared at her fork, lying forlornly askew on her plate. "I don't know what you could mean! You are talking crazy!"
" They are talking about boys," Dad told Tomo and Ten. " I believe your mother may have concerns about Kami and a Lynburn boy. Possibly in a tree. Potentially k-i-s-s-i-n-g. I couldn't say. — Sarah Rees Brennan

Keep calm, they said on television. Everything is under control. I was stunned. Everyone was, I know that. It was hard to believe. The entire government, gone like that. How did they get in, how did it happen? That was when they suspended the Constitution. They said it would be temporary. There wasn't even any rioting in the streets. People stayed home at night, watching television, looking for some direction. There wasn't even an enemy you could put your finger on. Look out, said Moira to me, over the phone. Here it comes. Here what comes? I said. You wait, she said. They've been building up to this. It's you and me up against the wall, baby. She was quoting an expression of my mother's, but she wasn't intending to be funny. — Margaret Atwood

I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday ... unless there's a game on. — Steve Martin

Jeffrey to Felicia - Given your peculiar fashions over the past four years, I'm afraid you've caused people to believe you're a little insane. — Jen Turano

Hitler: Thank you, whoever you are. I think you just saved my life.
The Doctor: Believe me ... It was an accident. — Steven Moffat

Caught' is a funny word," said Serge. "Most criminals catch themselves, like getting stuck at three A.M. in an air duct over a car-stereo store, and the people opening up in the morning hear crying and screaming from the ceiling, and the fire department has to get him out with spatulas and butter. If your arrest involves a lot of butter, or, even more embarrassing, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, then you actually need to go to jail, if for nothing else just some hang time to inner-reflect. — Tim Dorsey