Artie Quotes & Sayings

I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate. — Artie Lange

Emily wondered whether Artie would be so carefree if he knew The Book Club was performing grand theft imagination. — S.A. Tawks

Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it's funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something's funny and you're the subject of it, sometimes it's more offensive. If someone's insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot. — Artie Lange

Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine. — Artie Lange

Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that. — Artie Lange

An entertainer pleases others while an artist only has to please himself. — Artie Shaw

Karma: I know I've seen this man someplace before.
Artie (as McGuffey): Considering some of the places I frequent lady that's a comprising remark!
Wild Wild West TV Season 1
Night of the Flaming Ghost — Wild Wild West TV

The distance between me and Benny [Goodman], was that I was trying to play a musical thing, and Benny was trying to swing. Benny had great fingers; I'd never deny that. But listen to our two versions of 'Star Dust.' I was playing; he was swinging. — Artie Shaw

I'm not going to lie to you fellas, I've been drinking — Artie Lange

I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it's gross. And, by the way, it's gross when 99% of straight people do it, too. — Artie Lange

I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say. — Artie Lange

Jason Alexander is a committed actor, he went from working on a show about nothing to actually doing nothing. — Artie Lange

I used to be a longshoreman. I didn't go to college. I have a voice that when I say something, it can sound way meaner than you think it is. — Artie Lange

You run into a party and [a] woman comes up to you. She's the most beautiful creature you ever saw - Ava Gardner - and says, "I like you and why don't we get together?" What are you going to say, "No"? You'd have to be an idiot. She was an incredible creature. — Artie Shaw

Any more would have been less. — Artie Shaw

I got into comedy so I could stay out all night. — Artie Lange

I think that band [Glenn Miller] was the beginning of the end. It was a mechanized version of what they called jazz music. I still can't stand to listen to it. — Artie Shaw

I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro. — Artie Lange

My father was a really good athlete, so his pop-ups really were sky high. Eventually I learned how to judge them properly and catch them well. It was great training for when I started to play on teams, which I did all through school. — Artie Lange

You know you have a gambling problem when it's 4 A.M. at the Mirage Sports Book and you're walking around going, 'Hey you get the lacrosse scores?' — Artie Lange

And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard. — Artie Lange

Richard Lewis is the master at taking a joke that he's told a million times in a row in the past year, on the road, and making it look like he's pulling it out of thin air. — Artie Lange

The road is a lonely place, and that sounds like a cliche, you know, like what is my life? — Artie Lange

You have no idea of the women I didn't marry. — Artie Shaw

Somebody asked me once, 'Do you think that swing will ever come back?' And I said, 'Do you think the 1938 Ford will ever come back?' — Artie Shaw

It's entirely up to you, Artie. He lives or dies by your word. (Acheron) No, akri! Don't ask her that. She never let me have no fun. She a mean goddess! (Simi) — Sherrilyn Kenyon

When we came into the studio I became more and more me, making the tracks and choosing the musicians, partly because a great deal of the time during Bridge, Artie wasn't there. — Paul Simon

Listening to Benny [Goodman] talk about the clarinet was like listening to a surgeon get hung up on a scalpel. — Artie Shaw

If I could have done anything more, it would have been less — Artie Shaw

I was really running a music school back then, because my band wasn't making any money. I keep talking about money, because most people don't understand the part of money in running a band. — Artie Shaw

Despite his [Artie Shaw's] affectations of reclusiveness, he never tired of talking about himself, as countless long interviews reveal. I do not recall an anecdote he ever told me that was not in some way intended to convey a sense of his own superiority to everyone. One wonders how a person of his character could produce such beauty. — Gene Lees

Daniel: What do you think of the idea?
Sternlight: I'll tell you man, I think it's a fantastic idea. Fuck me if I'm consistent. I told your sister if she had all that bread to pass on for a bail fund or a free school or any good shit like that, I would retract everything I said about your parents. Not only that, I would actually change my opinion. I would think differently. OK?
Daniel: OK.
Sternlight: discards the poster.
Sternlight: That's the one question you shouldn't have asked.
Daniel: Maybe so.
Sternlight: And I've been pretty easy on you, too. Susan never mentioned you. Except once. She said she had a brother who was politically undeveloped. She made it sound like undescended tesicles.
Baby: Come on, Artie.
Sternlight: gets up, turns on the television squats in front of it. — E.L. Doctorow

When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life. — Artie Lange

When I first met Benny Goodman he wouldn't talk about anything but clarinets, mouthpieces, reeds, etc. When I tried to change the subject, he said 'But that's what we have in common. We both play clarinet.' I said, 'No, Benny, that's where we're different. You play clarinet, I play music.' — Artie Shaw

You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went wait, don't curse. — Artie Lange

I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself. — Artie Lange

I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem. — Artie Lange

I got cast on 'MADtv' as one of eight permanent cast members chosen from 8,000 comics who'd been screened. For any comic trying to make something of themselves, that was like hitting triple 7s-jackpot. — Artie Lange

Benny Goodman plays the clarinet. I play music. — Artie Shaw

I'm not comfortable with categories, and I distrust most definitions. The word 'definition' is based on the word 'finite,' which would seem to indicate that once we've defined something, we don't need to think about it anymore. — Artie Shaw

Artie is a singer, and I'm a writer and player and a singer. We didn't work together on a creative level and prepare the songs. I did that. — Paul Simon

If you don't see the wonder in the most ordinary phenomenon, you're not going to resonate very much. — Artie Shaw

The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off. — Artie Lange

The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation. — Artie Lange

I'm the type of guy where one thing leads to another and eventually it gets awful. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table tonight at 10 o'clock, by tomorrow at noon I would be running guns to Cuba. — Artie Lange

I dealt with men who had tempers, and who could get violent-Lord knows how I had to defend myself against Howard Hughes and Frank Sinatra, and from Artie Shaw's verbal abuse. But George [C. Scott] was a different category of animal when he got drunk. He'd break into my hotel room, which he did in Italy, London and at the Beverly Hills Hotel, attack me to where I was frightened for my life, and scream, 'Why won't you marry me?' Well, I would never marry a man who couldn't control his liquor. Me, I'm a happy drunk. I laugh, I dance. I certainly don't break bottles and threaten to kill. — Ava Gardner

An artist should write for himself & not for an audience. If the audience likes it, great. If not, they can keep away. — Artie Shaw

Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do. — Artie Lange

If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row. — Artie Lange

Artie: It's in here.
Jim: Let's check this [box] first, Artie.
Artie: Oh. [Finding a fake Sword of Kuniyoshi] Phony! How do you like that? Phony!
Jim: Artie ... so are our bonds.
Artie: Oh. You can't trust anybody these days.
Wild Wild West (TV) Season 3
Night of the Samurai — Wild Wild West TV

If you wanna dance, a windshield wiper'll do it-all you need is a beat. — Artie Shaw

I can't understand guys who just have to have your autograph. What do you do when you get home, take it out & look at it? — Artie Shaw

Shoot for the moon - if you miss you'll end up in the stars. — Artie Shaw

Thank God I have a financial planner who is really conservative. — Artie Lange

My mother would say, before I left the house, 'Remember Art, hugs are better than drugs.' And I believed my mother, I believed everything she said - until the first time I got high at a party. I leaned back, and I went, 'God, this is way better than when my Uncle Perry hugs me. What else has my mother been lying to me about? — Artie Lange

To tell you the truth, there are all these websites predicting my early death, and it's starting to work on me! — Artie Lange

Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just ... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do in standup is create spontaneity, somehow; even though you've done this act a million times, you gotta look like you're almost just thinking of it now, to make it entertainer. — Artie Lange

The Howard Stern Show is a big hit because it entertains dumb and smart people at the same time for different reasons. — Artie Lange

I did all you can do with a clarinet. Any more would have been less. — Artie Shaw

Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting. — Artie Lange

'Swing' is an adjective or a verb, not a noun. All jazz musicians should swing. There is no such thing as a 'swing band' in music. — Artie Shaw

Life moves fast, in an undesired harmony with time. The moment one blinks, one doesn't know where the next view may take them. — Artie Margrave

In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party. — Artie Lange

To tell you the truth, I always wanted to be a sketch comedian and a comedy actor. — Artie Lange

Essentially, the popular musician in America must learn that his basic job is to entertain people, to make them forget their sorrows for a moment or two; in the same sense that any popular art form must aim at the same distraction value. Any such job as that is basically a young man's business. It takes a young man's energy to go traveling around the country, night after night in a different place, prancing and cavorting around in front of mobs of people all out to try to forget their problems for an evening. And for a young man it can be a good enough way of life, if he happens to like it. — Artie Shaw

Jazz was born out of the whiskey bottle, was raised on marijiana, and will expire on cocaine. — Artie Shaw

All I can say is that you only realize how big your mountain is once you're laying motionless, helpless, and hopeless in the valley below. No one goes there on purpose, if you get what I'm saying, because the only way to find your personal low is to slip and roll down that mountain of yours, straight through to the bottom, no holds barred. — Artie Lange

The bandleader is a musician trying to sell a mass commodity; and in order to do so successfully he must accommodate himself to mass standards. Unless he can do this comfortably, sooner or later he is sunk. — Artie Shaw

As a child, as far as I was concerned, my dad had an amazing job, and we had all the money we needed. My life was so fun and carefree that I didn't realize at all that we weren't rich - until I met someone rich. Still, I've never met a rich kid who grew up as happy as I did. — Artie Lange

I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine. — Artie Lange

When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep. — Artie Lange

I usually get involved in the interviews about the animators and the filmmaking in general, because I had a chance.I got to know, not only Marc Davis, but Frank Thomas, Artie Johnson, Ward Kimball, all these great animators, and just ask them all these questions about how they did certain things, what their trials and errors were, the ups and downs. — Andreas Deja

Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me. — Artie Lange

Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time. — Artie Lange

You know you're on stage being the life of the party and trying to get laughs, and then, in a lot of ways, you don't have anything to give once you give it to the people. — Artie Lange

Abby_Donovan: I bet you were one of those uber-cool teachers like Mr.Chip, weren't you?
MarkBaynard: I was more like Mr.Kotter or that guy from GLEE who looks like the love child of Orlando Bloom & Justin Timberlake.
Abby_Donovan: Your female students were probably writing "I love you" on their eyelids and listening to "Don't Stand So Close to Me" on their Walkmans.
[ ... ]
Abby_Donovan: Goodnight Mr.Schuester
MarkBaynard: Goodnight Miss Pillsbury
Abby_Donovan: Goodnight Puck
MarkBaynard: Goodnight Rachel
Abby_Donovan: Goodnight Kurt
MarkBaynard: Goodnight Quinn
Abby_Donovan: Goodnight Finn
MarkBaynard: Goodnight Sue Sylvester, you heartless but oddly sexy beast
Abby_Donovan: Goodnight Artie
MarkBaynard: Goodnight Tweetheart ... — Teresa Medeiros

Jim: By the way Artie. How are you going to escape?
Artie: Oh, the usual way. Guile.. cunning ... trickery.
Wild Wild West Season 3
Night of the Arrow — Wild Wild West TV

Dear Artie: "The young fellow has disappeared into a dead end. I think the long-necked bastard planned to wind up in Paris and sent him there but he may also have used the underground railroad. Ask your round-heeled contact. Maybe you can find more than I could. "Roy — John Pearce

That's the clarinet I used to use ... but it's just a piece of wood, you know, with holes in it and they put these clumsy keys on it and you're supposed to try to take that and manipulate it with throat muscles and chops ... and try to make something happen that never happened before. And when you do, you never forget it. It beats sex, it beats anything ... — Artie Shaw

You have no idea of the people I didn't marry. — Artie Shaw

But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything. — Artie Lange

I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale. — Artie Lange

Artie travels all the time. The rehearsals were just miserable. Artie and I fought all the time. He didn't want to do the show with my band; he just wanted me on acoustic guitar. — Paul Simon

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian. — Artie Lange

Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose. — Artie Lange

If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it? — Artie Lange

- Aunt Artie?
- Why do you keep saying it like that? We loved each other more than anything. I can't imagine we could be different in your world. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

When I was 15, I made a solo record. It made Artie very unhappy. He looked upon it as something of a betrayal. — Paul Simon

When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy's stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, 'cause no one was going to tolerate what he was saying anymore either. — Artie Lange

But that's the thing Artie. What if Romani isn't a man " Amelia said leaning forward.
"Great. We'll alert Scotland Yard and tell them they're looking for a vampire. Or a werewolf. I'm assuming you've cross-referenced this with the lunar cycles."
"What if it's a name " Amelia said undaunted. She spread the files across the desk. "A name that has been used by a lot of people for a very long time."
"Excellent." Her boss pushed the files aside and returned to his order and his lists and his life. "You cracked it. Great work. I'll call the Henley right away and tell them Leonardo's Angel Returning to Heaven was stolen by a name. — Ally Carter

Woody Allen stayed so good because he never left New York. Howard Stern stayed so good because he never left New York - Mel Brooks when he just got out of New York was doing 'Blazing Saddles;' when he left New York he started doing stuff like 'Robin Hood Men In Tights' - he was in L.A. too long. He lost the edge. — Artie Lange

It's good to be alive. — Artie Lange

It's weird because standup can be like therapy. Comedians can't be satisfied with just having fun with our friends. We've got to figure out a way to do it on stage. — Artie Lange

Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself. — Artie Lange

Unlike a lot of comics, I didn't care about getting on 'Saturday Night Live.' That show had such history and was so established that I didn't see the point. — Artie Lange

Jephus Hardy?"
Stunned. My jaw dropped when I saw Cephus Hardy walk up to me in the magazine aisle of Artie's Meat and Deli. I was admiring the cover of Cock and Feathers, where my last client at Eternal Slumber Funeral Home, Chicken Teater, graced the cover with his prize Orloff Hen, Lady Cluckington. — Tonya Kappes

It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this. — Artie Lange

When you did impressions on 'MADtv,' the producers gave you a Walkman that played huge sections of whatever movie was being parodied, with your character's catchphrases recorded on a loop. You'd wear this thing around during rehearsals and for a week listen to the voice you had to impersonate over and over again. It drove all of us crazy. — Artie Lange

Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death. — Artie Lange

The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent. — Artie Lange